My life story, can I forgive and forget?

[Ralph]

Alright, so I guess here's my life story. Hopefully my girlfriend doesn't come to loveshack looking for advice, and if you do, hi there baby=]. I didn't intend for this post to be too long but I'm feeling desperate, and I feel like there are some level headed people who have been through similar things to who could give me a crumb of their wisdom.

 

There was this girl I met at school when I was 15. We used to skip school a bunch together, go smoke pot and sneak into her house to play videogames, watch TV, cuddle, etc. We were both virgins. One day we ended up making out (as would be expected to happen), and considering ourselves in a relationship that night. Later that night however, she called me and said it was all too fast for her, she was afraid to loose someone so close to her, she just broke up with some other guy yaddah yaddah. Her father left the family that year, and they never heard from him really again. We hung out as friends for a week with extreme tension later. A week later she gets drunk and ends up getting infatuated with this kid who was my best friend at the time. We were completely off speaking terms after that.

 

Fast forward a silly fling on my part for a couple weeks (which actually didn't involve sex, I was still only 15), and her being raped 3 times by my friend about a month and a half into their relationship. She insists she never wanted to have sex with him, and she said 'stop', and it actually happened the first few times only for a couple seconds; but then the last time he just wouldnt stop. She insists it was rape. She would gladly do every other sexual act with him. One night we ended up sleeping together at a party on the same bed while she was still dating my best friend, just inches away... I could feel she wanted me way more now and had realised her wrong. I guess I was too much of a gentlemen to make a move on her at the time, still being a virgin myself. I felt bad for moving in on my best friends girl and stopped talking to her again. Anyway, she broke up with him as he wouldn't respect her boundaries, and out of that and we started talking again. I didn't really want to date her, but she was hot, and in my circle of friends, and we used to hang out almost every day at or after school and actually had a friendship budding. I never talked to my so called 'best friend' again.

 

And then one day at the ripe young age of 16 I dropped acid, called her up and we started dating. Things were gravy, I was not too happy about her refusing me and going out with my best friend but that was in the passed and I just accepted she was young, stupid, and was in a rough spot which led to her making bad decisions. We were together for a year, and these were seriously the golden days. My year of being 16 was the best year of my life, and I feel like we'll never be back to where we were then. We ended up breaking up when we were both 16. It happened over a mis-communication, essentially she made a blog post that said a lot of stuff along the lines of "I have no love left to give" and stuff, and I took it as her hinting towards a break up and loosing interest. She loved to make mysterious ambiguous blog posts at that time in her life, and I'm glad she gave up that hobby. Anyway, I replied along the lines of 'ok, we're done then. I can't take these dramatic blog posts anymore when you have something important to say, tell me it don't lead me on and on'. She replied that the blog post had absolutely nothing to do with me and she was so incredibly hurt that I'd say that that we should split it off anyway. I immediately did feel like ****, and was instantly trying to make the mistake up to her. This was our first real fight, and I tried really hard to not lose her.

 

Anyway, we split up for a bit. Grand total of 2 months. We had sex and saw eachother still, which she insisted was 'only about the sex', one time the condom broke and I ended up going to the clinic with her the next day, paying for the morning after pill, taking her home, seriously caring for her. She knew I was madly in love with her, and I was almost sure she would take me back any day. One day we were supposed to hang out, but she was 'going to a beach party with her friend'.

 

Either way, after a ton of pre-drinking with her friend they didn't even make it to the beach which was a 3 block walk away. On their way there they ran into 2 guys they knew from elementary school returning from the party who had 'no place to stay', so they all ended up back at her house. After they made fun of one of them because he "never kissed a girl before" (what a crock, sad she believes it) he ended up laying the moves on my girl that night. I know she was down with it, or she would not have brought him home, and openly shared a single bed with him. I wouldnt even want to share a single bed if I was actually sleeping as you'd fall right off. The full deed happened. She started with 'it only lasted a second'. Then with some prodding "Maybe 45". In the end it was 'I was drunk it was a couple minutes but I felt nothing'. If she would of stopped him she wouldn't started him really, and to this day it makes me sad that I feel she can't openly admit that. If I do bring this up today over 2 years later, she bursts into tears and blames it on the alcohol.

 

She told me at 9:00 in the morning the next day, and I instantly drove over, threw a bag of her clothes that were still lingering around and grabbed any of my **** that was still around. As I was walking out the door she was balling her eyes out. I turned around and asked what was wrong and basically she went on about how she was incredibly sorry and didn't mean to hurt me, it meant nothing, wondered if I would ever talk to her again. I took this as her implying she really wanted me back, and in a difficult decision continued to pursue her and surely enough we started a 'new' relationship a few weeks later.

 

We've been in that new relationship for over two years now. I'm turning 19 in less than a month. We've pretty much lived together the whole relationship, slept together every night, spent every waking minute with eachother. We go on plenty of dates, the sex is hot. We went to the same school together every day and both worked about the same hours and have the same cash flow. We're very open with eachother in almost every way, except bringing up our darker days. She insists she loves me more every single day and does a lot, and over-all is a great girlfriend, and a better personal friend. I've never been as close to her as I have any other friend, male or female, in my life. I've grown up with her so much she's become such an important symbol in my life, and part of who I am. A part of me wants to make her mine, and marry her later down the road. The way I talk, how I interact with people, a lot of stuff we learned together. In some ways she feels like a sibling (Though it's not incest). She's incredibly hot. I doubt my ability to find a more attractive girl who I can actually enjoy being around and talking to, or that would tolerate me for who I am.

 

The problem comes in that most of the time, even though things are so great I feel incredibly hollow when I'm around her. I feel like I'm fighting down violent urges to knock a bitch out. I would never literally hit, or physically harm any other being, especially my girlfriend. I used the terminology just to try and explain the emotion. She's the only girl I've slept with. I almost feel like a cuckold sometimes considering she's slept with my best friend and some other dude pretty much 'in our time', we've been together longer than many stay married. On the outside I'm telling her how much I love her and trying not to worry her about my emotions. Some times I burst into tears wishing things would be like they used to, and have complete meltdowns. Other days she brings me intense happiness. I can not see this sort of a bipolar relationship as healthy but I don't want another girl. My mindframe can be forgive but the reasons would never be forgotten.

 

Almost all the time I want to cheat on her just to try and make things more even. Sad as it is, I don't even think I would enjoy the sex. I don't know if she enjoyed herself when she did her business anyway. She insists I am a million times better at making love in every single fashion and the emotions have always been on a completely different plane. I myself do not doubt that I am much bigger than he was, I'm well endowed, and I can last for hours if I set my mind to it. We had one intense conversation a few months ago where I went into it thinking I was going to leave her but when I fully opened up she told me that I could sleep with someone else and just not to tell her. I pitched for a threesome and she was not into that. But, any time I even talk to another girl in a mildly flirtatious manner I feel like a dirt bag and then go home in a sour mood.

 

Anyway I'm 19 in a couple weeks now, and she left with that same friend on a road trip that's scheduled to last over a month. I'm not at all worried about her cheating on me on the road or anything, she's trying to get a hold of me constantly, leaving me tons of sweet messages and I know she misses me probably more than I miss her. I have a ton of mixed emotions because of our passed of not only feeling sick because I am sleeping in my bed alone, but because of everything else attached to those emotions. I feel like if the plan of 'sleep with someone else so you feel like a dirtbag too and we can be dirtbags together' could work but I really don't know if it would just make things work. Hah, how funny would it be if she changed her mind about it being ok? I can say it may not even hurt her, as she made it clear she wouldnt want to know.

 

Anyway, be faithful, ditch her, cheat on her and see if I feel better about anything... advice?

Edited July 12, 2011 by Ralph
Need to mention I unfriended my best friend.

[Bryanp]

Do you think your girlfriend would have been so accepting as you have been if the roles had been reversed?

[Ralph]

She claims she would of been. I myself am truly doubtful. However, that was all two years ago, and weve been together peacefully for twice as long since that happens, and today I think she would, where I wouldn't.

[IncessantMe]

I'm in a similar situation to you, and at the risk of being hated, I did cheat on my girlfriend. And to be honest it didn't make me feel any better, and the relationship is suffering, as we are no longer as close, and I feel and know that I'm pushing her away. In fact, I felt like it was a huge deal, but before I cheated (twice so don't think doing it again will help), we were happy, and everything sounds very similar, the happiness, the dates, and the sex. But now, it's changed, and I think you yourself have to really evaluate if she truly worth keeping and if you can genuinely get over what has happened, if not simply end it as there is no point in hurting her, and give you and her a chance to move on. On the other hand if you do love her, then try and look past it, and hopefully, you're worries and concerns will evaporate next to that love, but, take it from me, cheating is not a solution, you'll feel better, and hold a little victory to yourself for about a day, but you soon realise that it was neither worth it, or that satisfying. This sound hypocritical, but if you want to cheat, you might as well just break it off, and then you can sleep with whoever you want..

[oldguy]

have you considered you would be simply 'using' another person if you decided to cheat?

 

How would you feel if some guy slept with your girl one night, used her, just to get back at his girl?

 

In a healthy relationship you forgive not even the score. It will not make you feel better.

[Ralph]

@IncessantMe, thanks for signing up to reply to my post. It actually does mean something. You see, I can't even talk to another girl without feeling like a dirt bag as it is, and I'm sure that as much as I would feel good for a day, I'm worried it would cause the problems you mentioned of pushing her away further.

 

@oldguy, I'm not setting out to hurt or use anybody. The fact is I'm young. A lot of girls my age are just looking to hookup with other young males, and don't want a serious relationship. I wouldn't be going and hurting someone else to make myself feel better. And really, it wouldn't be to get back as my girlfriend as I do NOT want to hurt her. She wouldn't want to know and I sure as hell wouldnt want to tell her. It would be shameful. What you are saying is true, it would be a selfish thing as it would be purely for myself, but others are out there looking for the same.

Edited July 13, 2011 by Ralph
Simply posted too early. No content removed, just added

[Kalea]

Hey Ralph! Man, relationships are hard, I am also going through right now a really hard time and trying to forget some stuff...

 

Why I am writing is not beause I am an expert at relationships, I have very little 'experience' myself, too as I have had only one bf in my life and intending to stay with him in the future.

 

But yes, do not 'cheat' if it is just to be even with the girl, what is the point? If there is something else, then well, I still don't recommend you doing it, but, if this is what will make from your point of view a stronger relationship then.... What is important in the end of the day, is to feel peace with yourself, because this will bring harmony into your relationship, too.

 

You know, the thing you said about your gf being hot and you doubting finding a better one... This is what makes it really hard, our insecurity, that we won't be able to find a better partner, cos the partner right now is just 'perfect'. It is hard to let go of your past. We are scared of the future, too and it is only normal us wanting to have stability, knowing who I am going to be with etc. I have the same 'problem' if I may call it a problem. I don't know, because I am not sure if this is me (and you) being obsessive or it really is true, we really have found already at our young age The One, who just is Perfect (with some little mistakes, but we'll take it, just cos is closest thing to perfection and our happiness).

 

As I am quite miserable right now myself, then this is max. advice and thoughts I feel I can give you right now over the internet, as I may be bit biased, too. But when reading your post, some questions came to my mind and it is a little off topic, but would that be ok if I could ask this through an email, my email is [email protected]. If you've got some time, i would really appreciate you giving some of your time to me. Thanks!

 

I really just wish you to find peace with yourself and your gf - peace that I am also searching for. You feeling happy and relaxed, not to worrying about things that are not important, what is important is the present and the future, right. And not to let the past ruin it.

[IncessantMe]

That's okay, what you have to say spoke to me and honestly, I don't think cheating for you would change anything. It's more a deepseated insecurity I think that's causing this, because as a guy, you might a bit like your ego is hurt?

 

But from what you've said you really love her, and from what you've said about her, she loves you. A lot of guys would have come on making their girlfriend be portrayed in a negative light, but you basically only spoke good of her, and that, coupled with the fact you feel like a 'dirt bag' when you talk to other girl shows a healthy relationship, and while there may be a underlying problem, I hope, and feel, that you will work it out.

 

If you truly love her, make it work, and make sure you don't let go of her. Because if you do, all you'll do is remember her, and any girl after her that you meet, you'll compare to her, because for you, she maybe practically perfect.

[Sugarkane]

Can you ever really trust this girl again? Does she sleep with anyone?

[rafallus]

I take it she is no older than you.

 

She's still a kid, don't expect commitment or maturity from her. By rule, her "rape" story is BS, some little girls intentionally use that word, to make situation more dramatic and like it they were innocent. They fail to realize, that this is serious accusation that can mess up whole future of accused person.

 

Have sex with other girls, but not to take revenge, just see, what else is out there. You'd be hating yourself later on, if you didn't take a shot with some hottie, just because you were pining over some other girl who treats you like crap.

[Ralph]

Well, communication has brought some interesting twists. Since she's been gone we've been talking a lot on facebook as it's cheaper than calling or anything. As a result, it's much easier to fluidly communicate our thoughts to eachother, and say what we want without having the emotions of being face to face with eachother. Over the passed few days I asked her questions, really dug into answers about motives, the nitty gritties, and stuff. I'm satisfied with what I heard, and I don't have any more questions in my head about 'did she this' or 'did she that'. I know I have straight answers.

 

I told her I'd been conflicted about cheating on her for the reasons in my first post but that it would be non-emotional. She told me I had a hall pass and she'd always love me regardless. We got onto the topic of having a threesome instead, because I didn't want to sneak around behind her back. My girlfriend always said she was attracted to women too! It seems to have more upsides than a hallpass, and could be memorable! So I guess a self shift of topic, Tips for arranging a threesome? Ground rules in picking the third? Bad idea or best idea ?