better off single?????????????

[janie]

help, i am so darn confused, one minute i want to run away from him and pull my hair out, out of sheer frustration, then the next i never want to leave him. what is wrong with me. it isn't really anything he is doing, sometimes he gets cranky and takes it out on me, but most of the time i think it is just me. i like it when it's just me and my daughter at home, but when he comes home most of the time i'm happy to be with him. but i don't understand my own feelings anymore. we have been together for over two years and i have come along long long way. i use to be so jealous and so insecure that i couldn't stand myself and he was going to leave me several times cause i interfered with his business when it had to do with other women. i would call him constantly and ask him who he was talking to or meeting for appt.s that day for his job. i would always try to tell him what he should say to these people (females) but not the males. i would tell him, don't be so friendly they'll take it the wrong way and blah, blah blah. well the list is too long but you get the idea. i did some counseling and it helped, but what helped the most was soul searching my motives to tell him these things and do these things towards him. i use to snoop in his brief case and just look for female names and question them in an nonsuspcious way, i got very clever over the 44 years of my life. when i'd go to his office i'd question every appt. on his calendar. well now, i never look in his brief case, tho tempted, i never go to his office, if i do i wait for him outside, when i see an attractive womam coming our way, i look the other way so i don't have to see if he is looking at her, even tho he usually don't anyway. i rarely ask him about the female's i hear him talking to and even laughing with, don't get me wrong, it stings like a bee. so i know i have come along way and grown alot, and i can thank him for it, but why do i feel so restless in this relationship? i don't get it. this guy is a guy of business most of the time, and treats me like his secretary at times or his kid, sometimes he'll yell at me for something i did on accident, like i cleared his pager without writing down the last number that was in there, and he got mad and i said dont' treat me like a kid, it was an accident. my daughter thinks he is nice and he is very good to her too, but she say's he is a "jerk" at times and at times she want's me to leave him, but i think it is so we will move back to iowa. i don't know why i have such mixed feelings for him, i am thankful towards him for somethings and angry at him other times which makes my feelings sway back and forth. am i just looking for someone who is steadily the same temperment? what to do, what to do? help..........................!

[janie (just one more thing)]

its it possible i am trying to sabotage this so we can go back home? how can i know?

help, i am so darn confused, one minute i want to run away from him and pull my hair out, out of sheer frustration, then the next i never want to leave him. what is wrong with me. it isn't really anything he is doing, sometimes he gets cranky and takes it out on me, but most of the time i think it is just me. i like it when it's just me and my daughter at home, but when he comes home most of the time i'm happy to be with him. but i don't understand my own feelings anymore. we have been together for over two years and i have come along long long way. i use to be so jealous and so insecure that i couldn't stand myself and he was going to leave me several times cause i interfered with his business when it had to do with other women. i would call him constantly and ask him who he was talking to or meeting for appt.s that day for his job. i would always try to tell him what he should say to these people (females) but not the males. i would tell him, don't be so friendly they'll take it the wrong way and blah, blah blah. well the list is too long but you get the idea. i did some counseling and it helped, but what helped the most was soul searching my motives to tell him these things and do these things towards him. i use to snoop in his brief case and just look for female names and question them in an nonsuspcious way, i got very clever over the 44 years of my life. when i'd go to his office i'd question every appt. on his calendar. well now, i never look in his brief case, tho tempted, i never go to his office, if i do i wait for him outside, when i see an attractive womam coming our way, i look the other way so i don't have to see if he is looking at her, even tho he usually don't anyway. i rarely ask him about the female's i hear him talking to and even laughing with, don't get me wrong, it stings like a bee. so i know i have come along way and grown alot, and i can thank him for it, but why do i feel so restless in this relationship? i don't get it. this guy is a guy of business most of the time, and treats me like his secretary at times or his kid, sometimes he'll yell at me for something i did on accident, like i cleared his pager without writing down the last number that was in there, and he got mad and i said dont' treat me like a kid, it was an accident. my daughter thinks he is nice and he is very good to her too, but she say's he is a "jerk" at times and at times she want's me to leave him, but i think it is so we will move back to iowa. i don't know why i have such mixed feelings for him, i am thankful towards him for somethings and angry at him other times which makes my feelings sway back and forth. am i just looking for someone who is steadily the same temperment? what to do, what to do? help..........................!

[billy the kid]

Janie, you sound so possessive, and at 44 you should not be or act so. if you are so worried about him cheating on you why do you go on with this relationship? you really sound so insecure, I'm sorry but that's what I hear, maybe a little more counseling will help... good luck

 

Ps running away won't help, the next relationship will be the same, face the issues you have with your self and things will work in this relationship and the next and the next..

its it possible i am trying to sabotage this so we can go back home? how can i know?

[janie (just one more thing)]

thank you billy for responding but those things i said,i use to be that way. please re-read, i am not that way anymore.

Janie, you sound so possessive, and at 44 you should not be or act so. if you are so worried about him cheating on you why do you go on with this relationship? you really sound so insecure, I'm sorry but that's what I hear, maybe a little more counseling will help... good luck Ps running away won't help, the next relationship will be the same, face the issues you have with your self and things will work in this relationship and the next and the next..

[Tony T]

I think your restlessness, indeciiveness and your attraction to a relationship with such ups and downs stems from a lot of unresolved childhood issues. You probably had a fairly chaotic upbringing and that has spilled over into your adult life. Your father, mother or both were probably just as unpredictable as this guy is. If you weren't used to this kind of treatment, you would have been out of there a long time ago.

 

Continue your counselling and working on yourself. It sounds like you have come a long way, although you still have deeply engrained self esteem problems that can work out over time.

 

Meanwhile, only good, effective communication will improve your relationship. My guess is that you have NEVER in all of your 44 years had what could be considered a peaceful, stable, normal relationship. I will further venture to guess that if this guy changed tomorrow and was consistently kind, thoughtful, even tempered, generous, considerate, etc., you couldn't handle it.

 

My vote is to hang in there. He is helping you work a lot of stuff out. However, once you think you have truly grown from the experience, then you may desire to seek a more stable environment with a mate who is more predictable.