Why did I lose my composure over this guy?

[DazyDaisy]

I'm going to give a little bit of background on my life to get to point I am trying to make.

 

1. My parent separated when I was 6.

2. I was abused by my dad during his visitation times for about 2 years, never told anyone because I just didn't know better at that age but ended up telling my mother.

3. When my mother found out, she got custody, we moved away, & he went to jail but was shortly released.

4. I found out he passed about a year after he was released—everyone said it was karma. I guess I cried because I never got to ask him a bunch of stuff I wondered as a child. Time passed and wounds healed but I always battled in some depression regarding the situation with my father.

5. When we moved away, we moved away from significant family members. I never shed a tear over leaving them behind and I never felt guilty. I knew I would be safer in the place my mother was taking me to.

6. I have gone through 3 breakups since I was 12; I started young. (See details/description below).

 

1. 1st: Moved away after 3 years together. We couldn't do LDR, but it was fine for us two to breakup. Shed a few tears but was soon over it. He was the first person I felt I loved but we lost contact.

2. 2nd: Dated for about 2 years. I moved and I never talked to him again or saw him until recently.

3. 3rd: Dated for 1 1/2 years. I broke up with him because of family (religion); he tried to get me back for a few months after but ended up accepting it.

 

Despite everything I've been through, I have always kept my composure. I was actually surprised I didn't end up doing something drastic. The people that do know about my past have always told me I was so strong and I knew it.

 

But time passed with my last relationship and I was single for about 2 years. During this time, I accomplished so many things because it was time that I needed to find myself. I got a really good job, I got accepted and got a scholarship for one of the best universities in the country, and I found a guy.

 

This guy I was with for only 10 months (ended with a mutual breakup), and it's been 5 months and I'm still severely depressed about it. I have nearly ****ed up work; have made several mistakes ever since we broke up but boss is very considerate but don't know for how much longer. I have nearly ****ed up school (the only thing that keeps me motivated is maintaining my scholarship). I have cried probably every night since it ended even though it was the best for both of us. I just can't seem to get my act together.

 

This is so inconsistent with how strong I've been. Why have I lost my will to live after all I've been through? I don't see hope for love or relationships, and frankly, I don't see hope in my life at all. I am not saying I'm going to kill myself or anything. I have very strong religious faith, a small family that loves me, and very good job opportunities (or used to). I don't even see why I'm thinking this way.

 

Is this even normal?

 

I need help.

Edited July 13, 2011 by DazyDaisy

[smudge21]

Yes you do need help and support. What you went through as a child is shocking and terrible, no one should have to experience that. You've done well to rebuild and focus your life so you should be proud of that. Many would've given up and never moved on.

 

I do believe that what happens in our youth affects us more than we think in our later lives. My parents went through bad times when I was hitting my teens and it affected me (not as bad as what happened with yours though). My dad cheated and left and since then I think that's been a catalyst for me finding it difficult to commit as I don't think I'm good enough or that I'm going to end up hurting the girl I'm with just like my dad did.

 

Despite you overcoming all your problems I would imagine that they still have impact on your life. My sister obviously suffered through my parents break up but never realised how much until she went to a councillor and he opened up memories she's supressed. It helped her a great deal so maybe that's what you need - someone who can really dig deep into your past and get these feelings out so they can be dealt with. Obviously, I'm giving an opinion here, I'm no professional, but there does seem a case to suggest that we all supress memories rather then dealing with them and eventually those memories affect us without us even knowing it. Maybe you did think you'd worked your past out but deep down it was still there, affecting you without you even knowing it. No one would blame you for that.

 

I'm sure you'll get plenty others giving advice so take it all on board and decide which is best for you. I really hope you can sort this out, no matter how it takes.

[DazyDaisy]

Thank you for feedback.

 

I've been overanalyzing my situation more than my mind can withstand. I've come to the conclusion that the difference this time is that I've been doubting my faith as I have started to think more logically (with more education). I find it difficult now to pray and have that faith I used to have before. I have also isolated myself for the 5 months post-breakup and I rarely talk to anyone enough to consider a friend. I was already isolated enough because of the relationship. I used to be able to trust the rest of what was left of my family but it's so hard to open up about a possible depression. The rest of my family has also been through considerable trauma and they've done fine—why am I the one that's so stuck?

 

The last break up was my choice too so it's difficult to relate to anyone. People think that "dumpers" don't go through such unbearable pain but I've never felt this way before. He was the only reason for me to feel happy now that I think of it. Nothing makes me as happy as he did but I know everything we had is now destroyed (lies, cheating on both sides, telling each other to do NC—so many hard feelings) and it would never be the same again; reconciliation is out of the picture.

 

I do think I need to see a professional but there are other issues that don't allow me to go to one. Do you think that would be the only resource left?

 

I've done NC, I've try to remain occupied, I force myself to eat, to exercise but the sadness does not lift. I feel so hopeless.

[radiodarcy]

it sounds like the experiences from your past are causing you to self-sabotage. having grown up in a situation that had a great deal of instability and you were abused by one of the people you thought you could trust the most. it's not surprising that that fear of being hurt and distrust has spread to your relationships as an adult. so even when you are in a healthy, secure relationship that makes you happy, you don't feel as though you can enjoy it as you're so used to waiting for that other shoe to drop.

 

i would strongly suggest counseling. there are places that offer free counseling - - schools/universities have it for free or on a sliding scale. also, there are women's centers and crisis counselors that also offer these services. churches probably do as well.

 

and don't blame yourself for having issues while the others in your family dont. we all deal with our past in different ways. for all you know, they very well may be dealing with those issues now but in ways that you don't see. or they may have already worked through these issues on their own.

[wilsonx]

Thank you for feedback.

 

I've been overanalyzing my situation more than my mind can withstand. I've come to the conclusion that the difference this time is that I've been doubting my faith as I have started to think more logically (with more education). I find it difficult now to pray and have that faith I used to have before. I have also isolated myself for the 5 months post-breakup and I rarely talk to anyone enough to consider a friend. I was already isolated enough because of the relationship. I used to be able to trust the rest of what was left of my family but it's so hard to open up about a possible depression. The rest of my family has also been through considerable trauma and they've done fine—why am I the one that's so stuck?

 

The last break up was my choice too so it's difficult to relate to anyone. People think that "dumpers" don't go through such unbearable pain but I've never felt this way before. He was the only reason for me to feel happy now that I think of it. Nothing makes me as happy as he did but I know everything we had is now destroyed (lies, cheating on both sides, telling each other to do NC—so many hard feelings) and it would never be the same again; reconciliation is out of the picture.

 

I do think I need to see a professional but there are other issues that don't allow me to go to one. Do you think that would be the only resource left?

 

I've done NC, I've try to remain occupied, I force myself to eat, to exercise but the sadness does not lift. I feel so hopeless.

 

Being on the dumpee side of this I am going to tell you something about this situation. You made a decision to get your life together and move forward. You made a decision to end the relationship. Maybe the relationship needed ending. He probably sees it to. But the problem now is you. You have to get help. You were hurt at a young age and never dealt with it. Something like this you can not fix yourself because you are going to run your entire life and its not going to destroy you but all your future relationships. You see you have a problem. You go to a school which probably has counselors that don't charge if you are a student. Get the help you need to deal with the past. Once you do that and fix yourself. Then you make a decision on if you want to give reconciliation a shot. This might be years down the road but you can always try. Whats the worst that can happen? He says no. Then thats one less thing on your bucket list.

[DazyDaisy]

I have been through counseling before to deal with my past. It was for about 2 years one time and for around 6 months other time. I was also on medication (mostly for sleeping and concentration) for some time. I always went due to pressure because people would say, "You're okay now but if you don't deal with it now, it might come out in the future". I always felt fine but went with recommendations. The psychologists I was going to released me because they always thought I had "completed" their program/processed trauma. Both of them even cried after because they said they didn't know how one person could endure so much **** at that age and still managed to live such a well-put-together life. I never really believed that I was strong because on the inside I always felt so weak but being strong and organized gave me a feeling of certainty and actually made me feel slightly stronger.

 

I do know the best bet would probably be counseling because I do need it. However, right now it's probably not the best option for me. I have both insurance and money (from the job that I don't know how I've managed to keep) and also the university to provide counseling so that's not the problem. It's something else I'd rather not go into.

 

Also, I don't know if this breakup is any sense different from the others. I don't want to make my past an excuse for everything that happens in my present so I'm trying to find stuff that could possibly explain this feeling of missing that happiness in my life. I probably lied to him terribly—don't know why I just couldn't be honest—and yet I can't forgive the fact that he lied to me and cheated. I cheated on him too, probably even more, and surprisingly I feel so wronged/disrespected. I guess in a sense, I know I come from a home that was full of deceit and lies so I think it's normal in my circle but when someone else does it to me, I feel as if they have brought back that feeling. Despite all the lies he was also very loving, like no one else had ever been, and I genuinely reciprocated it whereas the past, I've been kind of hesitant and distant. I guess it hurts that when I was finally able to fully let go, it all turned to **** because of my own lying and consequently his. It's not the first time my life has come crashing down because of lies/secrets and that's what sucks the most. Well, thinking of it that way I guess it does have to do with my past.

 

None of my previous relationships have had anything to do with lies. Maybe that's what's different. I am not sure. I just feel so out of place.

 

In a way, I'm just venting. I do know I need counseling, I don't know why I asked.

 

Thanks for your replies.