Distraught, panicking, upset! He brought another girl when he asked me to hang out

[headsinclouds]

Hi everyone - I've had this on-again, off-again FWB type relationship with this guy for the past year. I care about him very much but we both have serious hang-ups about committed relationships. We last slept together a couple of weeks ago. Our "relationship" may seem casual but it is very intense and serious most of the time. Also, he is a really sensitive, moody person but I can't seem to stay away from each other.

 

He called me and asked me to come meet up with him this past weekend. I had plans already so I said I could meet up with him in a few hours. He then called me back and said he was at the park about to watch the sunset and asked me to join him. He also said he had run into a female friend of his on the way to the park. I get there and she is totally flirting with him. He talks to me mainly but it was weird, I was trying to keep my composure thinking they were just platonic friends. We then go for a beer and he's sitting by me, talking to me the whole time and caressing me occasionally. A comment was made and I asked him if he was "hanging out" with her and he said, no, we're just friends, but we've hooked up in the past.

 

WHAT?!! Then they both were going to walk home together and he said she lived a couple of blocks away from him. I got up from the table without saying anything and left. I feel so incredibly angry and disrespected. I know we are not in a relationship, but don't ask me to come hang out with you when you are with another "friend" and then proceed to leave with them. Please tell me I'm not blowing this out of proportion. I also texted him the next day and said "don't ever talk to me again." My heart has been racing the last 2 days, I've cried a couple of times, etc.

 

I wish I could get this person out of mind but I can't and now he acts like this? By the way, we have gone through the whole no contact/deleting each other off of Facebook/re-adding each other on Facebook/hanging out again cycle at least once.

 

Please help.

[smudge21]

That's my whole issue with FWB. It's never as simple as it sounds, someone always cares more than the other, and you end up like you are right now - feeling betrayed and hurt because you have feelings and possibly he doesn't (or at least, not as strong).

 

You can't say you're happy to be a FWB one minute and then expect the same sort of commitment and loyalty people get from a relationship the next. I do think what this guy did was a bit off, but there's been no expectations from either side has there? FWB is never about being exclusive to one person, it's about sharing something you both want and keeping things simple, without the emotional baggage that comes with a relationship.

 

I think you need to really work out how you feel about this guy and if you do now love him (or at least care very strongly for him) then maybe it's time to walk away or tell him the truth and go for broke. You never know, he may turn round and want the same, but either way, you need to be honest otherwise this is going to rip you apart and only hurt more in the long run.

 

Be honest with yourself and with him.

[headsinclouds]

He called me last night. He said that I had been mean to him several times now and he just couldn't take it anymore. He said that we should wait a few months before being friends/hanging out again. He said the friend was purely a friend and I had the wrong idea. I started crying. Embarrassing. I spilled my guts about my feelings towards him. He said that he is so messed up about relationships (single for 5 years, went through an extremely tough breakup) that he can't handle even dating anyone. This is totally true by the way, I've known this guy for awhile. He said he wasn't mad at me, he just needed some space because he still liked me & would start to not like me if I acted that way again. So sad. I guess I can't even be friends with him anymore, because yes, I do love him. What do I do?

[headsinclouds]

And for clarification, I did NOT tell him I love him or get overly mushy, I just said I had feelings for him.

[smudge21]

It sounds like in many ways you two are very similar with what you've been through/are going through. You need to back off now and try no contact for a while. He knows how you feel, what you want etc, so give him time to relax and then think things through. Let him miss you, but remember he can't do that if you're always around.

 

Also, take this time as a holiday from your problems. Don't focus on it being anything permanent, just a chance to relax and do whatever else you want to do. Have some serious thoughts about what you really want and try to clear your head before any further contact with him, but please do try and stay away. Let him come to you.

 

You've been honest with him now you have to see what happens. You can't force someone into feeling the same way about you. All you can do is let them work it out for themselves. One thing I realised a while back is that people don't fall in love when they're together, it's when they're apart; when they're missing that person so much that they slowly realise how much that person means to them.

 

Good luck and keep posting everytime you feel the urge to break NC.

[hungry70]

This sounds familiar. I'm just getting to the end (?) of an on-off six-year thing. We pursued and rejected each other countless times. More exhausting than anything else I've ever encountered, by far. In my experience, the guarded and gamey nature of these relationships becomes damaging to my psyche. I want to be able to express to my loved ones how I feel, what ever those feelings are.

 

Ultimately, we became habituated to the cycle of drama. Seriously bad news for me. I hope you avoid unnecessary suffering.

[Eeyore79]

He called me last night. He said that I had been mean to him several times now and he just couldn't take it anymore. He said that we should wait a few months before being friends/hanging out again.

So he's basically punishing you for getting upset, and is making it clear that if you get upset he will back off from you, so you dare not get upset again in future. What a jerk.

 

He said the friend was purely a friend and I had the wrong idea.

The friend is not purely a friend. He admitted that he slept with her in the past. Bringing her along to your meeting was disrespectful to both of you.

 

He said he wasn't mad at me, he just needed some space because he still liked me & would start to not like me if I acted that way again.

So he threatened you. Nice Is this the sort of guy you want - a guy who threatens to stop liking you if you dare to get upset?!

 

Sorry, but this guy sounds like a total jerk. He's playing games with you and messing you around, and you're allowing him to do it. If I were you I'd dump his sorry ass and look for someone who respects you.

[radiodarcy]

So he's basically punishing you for getting upset, and is making it clear that if you get upset he will back off from you, so you dare not get upset again in future. What a jerk.

 

 

The friend is not purely a friend. He admitted that he slept with her in the past. Bringing her along to your meeting was disrespectful to both of you.

 

 

So he threatened you. Nice Is this the sort of guy you want - a guy who threatens to stop liking you if you dare to get upset?!

 

Sorry, but this guy sounds like a total jerk. He's playing games with you and messing you around, and you're allowing him to do it. If I were you I'd dump his sorry ass and look for someone who respects you.

 

i completely agree with this. i was in the exact same situation as you. and he was my first to boot! i was very much in love with him but he didn't feel the same and would talk abt other dating other girls. everytime i would say something to him about it he would chastise me like i was an errant two year old.

 

eventually he did decide he wanted a relationship only not with me. he had joined several dating websites and in an effort to find "the one". needless to say i went NC soon after that.

 

run from this guy and don't look back. he's not worth it and most likely got a rise out of knowing he upset you in bringing along this other girl.

[giuliano-3]

And for clarification, I did NOT tell him I love him or get overly mushy, I just said I had feelings for him.

 

For the record this guy sounds like a d-bag and I won't be justifying his actions here. BUT, what's the deal with the whole "I'm not saying I love you, but I do have feelings" bit? So, you don't want to be exclusive and you say you don't mind him getting with other girls because you want to get with other guys. I get that. So, why the anger when you see/hear about the "other" girl?

 

Is it really that you want to have this guy wrapped around your finger, fawning over you while you go out and get with other guys? That sounds like the male mindset throughout most of history.

 

Never understood the whole FWB thing. Too much of it these days, someone almost always gets hurt.

[headsinclouds]

I'm not going to tell anyone I love them if I'm not in a committed relationship. That's just asking for trouble. And yes, even if you're in a FWB type relationship, it's extremely tasteless to flirt with other women or bring another woman along in front of someone you're sleeping with. It's called class and respect for the other person's feelings.

[headsinclouds]

He hasn't called. I guess I know how he feels now. I want to get over him and be in a real & healthy relationship, but I feel like I'm too damaged from my past ones and I'm scared. Advice?