My mother slapped me and I'm pissed

[turnera]

It wasn't our generation that started 2 world wars.

No, but our generations respected the Red Cross and BOTH sides of a war let them drive anywhere they needed to tend to the wounded. Out of respect.

 

Today, Red Cross workers are killed.

 

Our generation respected all religious institutions and anyone respecting asylum in a church was off limits to any soldiers and could not be touched. Out of respect.

 

Today, churches are being bombed because they ARE churches.

 

Our generation would never dream of attacking a set of office buildings of innocent civilians, killings thousands of people, simply because they're from a different country, and do so by commandeering our planes full of more civilians and driving those planes into the buildings.

 

We committed war, but we accorded certain levels of respect to our enemies (well, most countries did). Out of respect.

 

Do you 'kids' know what you're called by the rest of the world? The 'me' generation. Think about it.

 

meh

[Dooda]

No, but our generations respected the Red Cross and BOTH sides of a war let them drive anywhere they needed to tend to the wounded. Out of respect.

 

Today, Red Cross workers are killed.

 

Our generation respected all religious institutions and anyone respecting asylum in a church was off limits to any soldiers and could not be touched. Out of respect.

 

Today, churches are being bombed because they ARE churches.

 

Our generation would never dream of attacking a set of office buildings of innocent civilians, killings thousands of people, simply because they're from a different country, and do so by commandeering our planes full of more civilians and driving those planes into the buildings.

 

We committed war, but we accorded certain levels of respect to our enemies (well, most countries did). Out of respect.

 

Do you 'kids' know what you're called by the rest of the world? The 'me' generation. Think about it.

 

meh

 

I'm not sure where you're getting your facts from, or your 'info', and I'm not sure how much you know about what really happened in 9/11, but indulge yourself please, if you could, before spewing randomly stated, non-based ideas that really don't prove anything.

Wars were always gruesome.

In world war 2, there were instances where they would round up every single troop who had surrendered, and kill them. This happened on both sides.

 

Its funny that you spend the time responding to my post defending the notion that our generation is in no way more doomed than any others, yet you take no time in denouncing Mrs. Brutal Beating's delusional and self-absorbed way of treating children.

[Dooda]

At least some consequences - and don't try to convince me one slap in a lifetime is abuse, it won't fly - MAY teach a kid to think twice before becoming so drunk again that you don't even remember what you said.

 

Oh my god, don't you dare call a kid a brat! How will his precious psyche ever survive that mortal wound! The horror!

 

 

I honestly don't care what will or will not fly. Did I say slapping is LIFETIME abuse? I said it is abuse, plain and simple. It is not repeated, and the mother is responsible, she knows she has done wrong.

No, let's call kids brats, and ungratifying, and irresponsible, over and over again and then wonder why some of you fail at parenting. Instead, when insulting our youth, let's cover it up with ironic humour. That should fix it. The key to good parenting is to never apologize for your actions as a parent, and to act how however the hell you want, because you're the parent and he/she'll damn well obey me!

God bless self-indulgence.

[Dooda]

Did you inform me you are not American. I don't recall. The grammar is an issue I'm trying to type and get everything out. It's great that you feel that way but be aware that in life people rarely show their true colors. The post was to show how the world is changing and where it's headed. We are already doomed, supposedly. Lets wait and see. You take care.

 

No, please be aware that, mostimes, what you see of people is what you get, and they don't turn into complete monsters when behind closed doors. You were taught to live/think that way. You were taught to distrust everyone except your family because that is a mechanism of control. You were taught to believe that that is how the majority of people are because that is how your family is/was. I, too, was like you once. I thought the world was out to get to me, that people are all bad people etc. I am blessed to have gained distance from my family, and escape many of their delusional trains of thought, including racism and homophobia.

You keep being you. I will pray for your kids.

[WeatherMe]

Ok, Let's get real for a second, I've been reading these posts and there are a lot of black and white, wrong or rights...

 

The OP learned a few valuable lessons here.

 

1) Her drinking limit (Maybe) So now you SHOULD know to stop drinking perhaps a drink or two or three BEFORE the last one you had. You obviously become mouthy, disrespectful and irrational at the stage you were at. Now you know. You SHOULDN'T drink PERIOD since you're underaged, but I don't think that stops anyone.

 

2) There are consequences to your actions. You got a slap in the face. Was it right? No, I don't think so, BUT it's also realistic. If you had called one of your friends a c*** (One of the few curse words that seems to REALLY affect people) You probably would have gotten a lot worse. If let's say you were at a work party and called your boss that you would lose your job, and be left with no ways to pay your bills. If you called a cop that you would be put in the drunk tank and have a record. Mom was not really RIGHT to slap you but this is a much less painful lesson to learn than the above mentioned.

 

3) Your mother loves you unconditionally. You WERE disrespectful, it IS her house and her rules and you DID break them along with some of her trust. Yet she apologized for the slap and you apologized for being the way you were. She loves you more than anyone in the world and only wants you safe, you scared her she reacted harshly but I don't see it as all that bad. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

[Emme]

Dear Cousin Emma,

 

I thought you were right about everything you wrote...

but now, I think you're wrong..

Young people should run everything.

Family meeting tonight discuss the handover of power-share equalising process with the kids...

I'll quit my job, then they can take over the mortgage payments, clothing, grocery utilities bills, also all the insurance, investments etc.

They can make all the money and decisions...

I fully entrust their innate abilities to take care of everything.

Who needs experience?

 

I'm off to do finger-painting and later algebra, this time I will concentrate... Woo-hoo!

 

You know what you should quit your job. Before you do take some of your savings and go back to college. I say you should go and get another fun degree. Why not, it’s being paid for. You get to go to class if you choose to and you get 3-4 months vacation. You’ve probably been so accustomed to two weeks vacation you might go into shock your first month off. I think it’s worth it. While your there take a Fine Art class for me. I’ve always enjoyed a beautiful nude male model. Just sit in comfort and air conditioning and draw for hours.

[Emme]

Incorrect. My father has always had anger management problems, and was sometimes violent to us when we were kids. It was unnecessary and wrong. I have many reasons to be grateful to my father, but those violent parenting techniques aren't amongst them. He was wrong, he knows he was wrong...closed chapter.

 

I don't think that venting one's own anger and issues is generally an ideal way to discipline a child or teen. Not that there's anything wrong with reminding them now and again that adults too are human...but that's something separate from discipline, which is about having a bit of presence and authority that enable you to command respect without having to resort to threats, physical violence or emotional blackmail. There are plenty of parents out there who manage to run a happy and generally quite harmonious home without the use of violence or endless drama-filled ranting sessions. The ones who, for whatever reason, can't create that kind of environment are most probably the ones whose children will end up in the biggest mess.

 

When I worked in a kid's home, I often worked shifts with a woman like that. Inevitably, with me being in my twenties and childless she would tell me how to do the job. Her way of doing it involved a lot of drama, screaming - and, when that didn't work, trying to extract sympathy from the children by telling them about her personal problems. She was a disaster. She'd made the mistake of believing that the act of childbirth gave her an automatic pass into fully fledged adulthood...and that she didn't need to work on herself as an adult beyond that. I think that dealing with teens can be an incredibly taxing and challenging task. One in which you learn a lot about people, and about yourself. About your own strengths and weaknesses.

 

That shift partner of mine wasn't open to learning anything. At the root of it all she lacked confidence (certainly she was forever looking for validation from the kids...even asking them, at times, which members of staff they liked best). If somebody lacks confidence to that extent, they're going to regard every learning opportunity they encounter as a threat to their self esteem rather than as a chance to keep growing.

 

I want to clear something up. It seems there is a gray area where I feel people are confusing DISCIPLINE with ABUSE. Discipline to me is paying the consequences for your actions. Actions that are deemed wrong by your parents, even the child. Children know when they do wrong. It’s written on their faces. They know the difference between right and wrong. Your post speaks of a man with anger management issues. Meaning if you didn’t do anything wrong you were still attacked. I am referring to disciplining your child not abusing them.

 

A form of abuse is if you are beating a child because you had a bad day, beating your children until you break a bone. That is not what I am referring to. What I am referring to is giving children the same discipline you faced when you did something that resulted in bringing someone harm or shame. When a child suffers a burn from touching a hot stove the circuitry in the brain begins forming which tells them when you touch that when it’s hot this is the end result. That is the formula for life. For every action you take there is a reaction. Know the difference between the ones that result in harm. That is what some parents are not teaching their kids. If beating a child is not needed, perfect. You are a parent who’s doing her job and you have a child that’s doing their job.

 

Now for those who are not having the end result of a child that is well behaved that means the child is not doing their job. That is because they were not trained properly. Training can be more than just one way of doing something. Training starts from birth and many people have left the pacifier in way too long. Simple tasks as a child gives you structure. It gives you early learning and cognitive abilities. The saying goes… When you tell a child to jump… They are to say how high. Today’s youth don’t say how high. Today’s youth says how much you will give me if I jump. Today’s youth says I don’t feel like jumping now. That is the reality that is our society today.

 

What parents are forgetting to do is inform their children this is not the tactic used in the world. I the parent am not able to tell my boss how much he’ll pay me in advance if I do what is required of me. I the parent am not able to tell my boss I don’t feel like working now. When you start to allow your child to have the ideology that you don’t have to work for anything you want in life that everything can still be handed to you, you are doing them a disservice.

 

CHORES were the rite of passage for every child. It once was it is no more. Chores gave you the structure to understand you are earning your keep. Parents have chosen to not teach their child survival skills. They are more concerned with getting them in the right college at birth. They would rather they look good on a piece of paper than be a civilized human beings with humility. Doing both can be done.

 

-Tom take out the garbage

-I don’t want to

-Ok I’ll take it out. (You just finished working a 12 hour shift. Your kid has been home since 2pm playing video games and relaxing.)

 

 

-Jill clean the house today

-I’m not cleaning anything. I didn’t make the mess.

-Ok fine. (You agree with her findings so it’s unfair to make her do it)

 

 

What I say goes. There is no discussion. This is not a democracy this is a dictatorship. If a child feels the urge to give input treat them as they do Puerto Rico. Yes you voted but your vote really doesn’t count. Just to not hurt their feelings you matter. There is nothing challenging and taxing about raising a child. It only is if you allow the behavior. It starts from when they are young. Children test the waters to see what they can get away with. The minute you give in, they slide closer to the edge. The job of a parent is to keep them in their place.

 

Some children actually believe that they are raised on zero cents per day. Food, water, shelter, zero cents per day. Ballet, Gymnastics, Soccer, Football, zero cents. iTouch, iPad, Xbox, PlayStation, zero cents per day. Parents need to find a nature video and show your kids what happens if mama bird doesn’t make it back to the nest when she goes out and hunts for all of you to survive. Watch the deterioration of those cute birdies. It's not the same in reality but being awarded to the state is not a fun experience

 

I didn’t read every post the OP posted but I saw a part where she claimed she doesn’t even remember what she said. She was so intoxicated she could not remember what she said. However, she recalls the slap. That slap put her brain back into functioning mode. Moments like that are defining moments. Either it will save you or be the end of you. You the child have to decide.

[Crabbies]

I want to clear something up. It seems there is a gray area where I feel people are confusing DISCIPLINE with ABUSE.

 

CHORES were the rite of passage for every child. It once was it is no more. Chores gave you the structure to understand you are earning your keep. Parents have chosen to not teach their child survival skills. They are more concerned with getting them in the right college at birth. They would rather they look good on a piece of paper than be a civilized human beings with humility. Doing both can be done.

 

What I say goes. There is no discussion. This is not a democracy this is a dictatorship. If a child feels the urge to give input treat them as they do Puerto Rico. Yes you voted but your vote really doesn’t count. Just to not hurt their feelings you matter. There is nothing challenging and taxing about raising a child. It only is if you allow the behavior. It starts from when they are young. Children test the waters to see what they can get away with. The minute you give in, they slide closer to the edge. The job of a parent is to keep them in their place.

 

Some children actually believe that they are raised on zero cents per day. Food, water, shelter, zero cents per day. Ballet, Gymnastics, Soccer, Football, zero cents. iTouch, iPad, Xbox, PlayStation, zero cents per day. Parents need to find a nature video and show your kids what happens if mama bird doesn’t make it back to the nest when she goes out and hunts for all of you to survive. Watch the deterioration of those cute birdies. It's not the same in reality but being awarded to the state is not a fun experience

 

I didn’t read every post the OP posted but I saw a part where she claimed she doesn’t even remember what she said.

She was so intoxicated she could not remember what she said.

However, she recalls the slap.

That slap put her brain back into functioning mode. Moments like that are defining moments.

Either it will save you or be the end of you.

You the child have to decide.

 

Well said, Emma, your kids can come to my house...

As for the rest of you, go visit and mess up someone else's stuff...

[Dooda]

Emme, every situation you have brought allusion to is very extreme. I don't know many people who act that way towards their parents, in fact I know none.

Abuse goes farther than what you think of as that traditional, hollywood abuse. The abuse you're talking about is extreme abuse, and leaves the child either dead or permanently handicapped (either physically or mentally). Most of the time, abuse is mental, emotional or verbal.

Physical abuse is usually given in a situation where the child was initially wrong, but the parent goes out of controlling and ends up causing too much harm. Often, the child was late for the bus, or skipped a class, and he would get a thorough beating that involved the father exerting all his energy, anger and internal pain on the child, often leaving bruises or marks but no injuries.

This is abuse. I'm sure this is what you see as discipline.

Emotional and verbal abuse is when a child makes a mistake and the parent unleashes on the child through emotional blackmail, guilt tripping and insults. This is abuse.

I'm sure you don't see this as abuse, but the fact of the matter is is that it is this type of behavior from parents that usually goes unnoticed in the outside world that causes the child to become depressed, angry, anxious, rebellious, or "disrespectful" as you say.

The 'disrespect' many overbearing/overcaring parents receive is always wrongly judged. It is the consequences that ensue from abusive parenting.

My parents treated me like **** for most of my life, and they were surprised when I started acting up and showing no appreciation to the way they treated me. I'm sure you would see their behavior as in no way abuse, though.

Open your heart a little. I realize you were probably raised in a very harsh environment, and that must be partly to do with why you are so bitter, angry and hateful towards youth (most likely because you hate your own childhood), but I think you'll find with a little empathy that kids aren't all bad. They aren't out to get you and they certainly aren't purposefully devious and evil.

[Dooda]

Well said, Emma, your kids can come to my house...

As for the rest of you, go visit and mess up someone else's stuff...

 

So because certain children don't livre in an environment that involves emotional blackmail, verbal lashes, and thorough beatings, they're messed up?

Cool.

[Crabbies]

So because certain children don't livre in an environment that involves emotional blackmail, verbal lashes, and thorough beatings, they're messed up?

Cool.

No, kids who don't listen to their parents usually break my stuff and don't listen, I don't have 'em over anymore...

[Taramere]

I want to clear something up. It seems there is a gray area where I feel people are confusing DISCIPLINE with ABUSE. Discipline to me is paying the consequences for your actions. Actions that are deemed wrong by your parents, even the child. Children know when they do wrong. It’s written on their faces. They know the difference between right and wrong. Your post speaks of a man with anger management issues. Meaning if you didn’t do anything wrong you were still attacked. I am referring to disciplining your child not abusing them.

 

An abuser will say exactly the same thing. Nobody is ever going to step forward and say "I abuse my child because frankly after a stressful day I like to vent on something that can't fight back." Even to themselves, they're going to rationalise it as discipline.

 

 

I didn’t read every post the OP posted but I saw a part where she claimed she doesn’t even remember what she said. She was so intoxicated she could not remember what she said. However, she recalls the slap. That slap put her brain back into functioning mode. Moments like that are defining moments. Either it will save you or be the end of you. You the child have to decide.

 

I understand where you're coming from. If a slap at the first instance of intoxication was all it took to prevent a child from going down the path to drug or alcohol abuse and addiction I think even the most anti-physical chastisement people would be saying "oh hell, it's worth it."

 

Unfortunately it just isn't that easy. Drugs and alcohol are everywhere these days. That is the world we live in, and you're not going to stop kids from taking them by screaming at them or slapping them. It takes educating them, and it takes instilling into them that strength and self confidence that will enable them to withstand peer pressure. Consider what you're saying here.

 

What I say goes. There is no discussion. This is not a democracy this is a dictatorship. If a child feels the urge to give input treat them as they do Puerto Rico. Yes you voted but your vote really doesn’t count. Just to not hurt their feelings you matter. There is nothing challenging and taxing about raising a child. It only is if you allow the behavior. It starts from when they are young. Children test the waters to see what they can get away with. The minute you give in, they slide closer to the edge. The job of a parent is to keep them in their place.

 

So in your home you see nothing challenging and taxing about keeping the child in their place. Your word is law and there is no room for negotiation. Okay. So let's say your child is in a situation that you don't control - a situation where other people are in control, and they are under pressure to drink, take drugs etc. Do you avoid that situation by home-schooling your kids? Monitoring their every step? Sooner or later they have to leave your care, and they will encounter situations in which they are under pressure to do things that aren't good for them. That's where their personal character and ability to stand up for what they think is right comes into play.

 

You can teach them "these are my values, and that's what goes in this house. No debate. No discussion." To actually stand by those values in a situation that you don't control, they're going to have to believe in those values. To have a very clear idea as to why they hold those values. Plus they're going to have to have developed the ability to stand up for themselves.

 

If they get swiped down at home, the moment they attempt to discuss or negotiate...then where is it that they learn to do these things? Is there a magical other place where they'll obtain all the tools and skills they need to discuss things, negotiate, stand up for themselves and what they believe in...?

[ilikesunita]

No, but our generations respected the Red Cross and BOTH sides of a war let them drive anywhere they needed to tend to the wounded. Out of respect.

 

Today, Red Cross workers are killed.

 

Our generation respected all religious institutions and anyone respecting asylum in a church was off limits to any soldiers and could not be touched. Out of respect.

 

Today, churches are being bombed because they ARE churches.

 

Our generation would never dream of attacking a set of office buildings of innocent civilians, killings thousands of people, simply because they're from a different country, and do so by commandeering our planes full of more civilians and driving those planes into the buildings.

 

We committed war, but we accorded certain levels of respect to our enemies (well, most countries did). Out of respect.

 

Do you 'kids' know what you're called by the rest of the world? The 'me' generation. Think about it.

 

meh

 

lol.. Are you for real?

 

In modern times, we strictly condemn and prevent atrocities. Past generations enslaved millions, exterminated others, etc. we don't today. I disagree that humans were somehow nobler in past generations. I think it is evident from a glance at our history that we can succumb to grave inhumanity when the need arises. This is not something that is generation-specific.

[Crabbies]

lol.. Are you for real?

 

In modern times, we strictly condemn and prevent atrocities. Past generations enslaved millions, exterminated others, etc. we don't today.

 

"Oh, who's being naive, Kay?"

[Emme]

I wish that you and Emme would stop lumping all young people, in the same spoiled and selfish category.

 

Did you read my posts? I grew up just like those Asian kids and we are carribean blacks. My parents were determined to raise four black children who defied awful stereotypes. I was spanked as a child if I dared to LOOK at my mother, or any adult, in a disrespectful manner. We had to use "ma'am" "sir", along with "Mr" and "Miss". I had much earlier curfews than my peers and could not date until I was 18. My mother made sure I had "woman skills", which was sexist yet useful.

 

I have forgiven my parents for being too strict and abusive. With parenting, the road to hell is paved with good intentioned. My parents only wanted their large brood to live good lives. Their hearts were in the right place. I forgive them because anger will burn my soul and keep me bitter. Despite the hitting, my parents were very affectionate to us.

 

All of their children have attended college or university. None of us have ever been to jail or had children as teenagers. We were terrified of our parents, so we were GREAT kids. I have volunteered as phone support to suicidal people. I have also worked with severely disabled people. I have worked since I was 16. Self Centered? I think not.

 

I am only 29, Miss Emme and Miss Turnera. Not all young people are silly and coddled.

 

Perfect another Island Woman. She knows. Strict is an understatement.. I call it Militant.

 

I don't think all young people are the same. If the shoe fits, wear it. Those are the ones I am referring to.

 

You know you been working earlier than 16 you been working since your mother told you keep an eye on the stove. No money but it was house work. It counts. Honey I am only a few years older than you. Wait till you reach your 30's your gonna love it.

[Emme]

An abuser will say exactly the same thing. Nobody is ever going to step forward and say "I abuse my child because frankly after a stressful day I like to vent on something that can't fight back." Even to themselves, they're going to rationalise it as discipline.

 

The word abuser is defined by society. At one point and time its meaning was more brutal and considered the norm. The law stipulates what abuse is. In America it is not illegal to spank your child. It is however I believe against the law to bring them bodily harm by excessive force. Not all parents are beating their children to bring harm.

 

 

I understand where you're coming from. If a slap at the first instance of intoxication was all it took to prevent a child from going down the path to drug or alcohol abuse and addiction I think even the most anti-physical chastisement people would be saying "oh hell, it's worth it."

 

Abusing your child is not the only way of rearing your child. Many parents have lost the war on prevention by not giving there kids the tool they’ll need in the real world. The OP intoxication is not my issue. My issue was her lack of respect. That intoxication should have been taken cared of prior to that night.

 

Unfortunately it just isn't that easy. Drugs and alcohol are everywhere these days. That is the world we live in, and you're not going to stop kids from taking them by screaming at them or slapping them. It takes educating them, and it takes instilling into them that strength and self confidence that will enable them to withstand peer pressure. Consider what you're saying here.

 

It takes a village to raise a child. That was my parents take in life. I was raised along side other family members who helped to push me in the direction. I looked up to and had great respect that I was blessed to have them in my life. The abuse of drugs and alcohol stems from parents not giving their kids the dose of reality. The reality is of where that lifestyle can lead plus its side effects. Instead they wait too long to have someone else give their kids a pretty picture. Often times all a child needs is to have a parent talk to them. Parents don’t talk to there children to find out what’s going on in their brain. Let them inform you of what they know and then drop the reality of what truly is on them.

 

So in your home you see nothing challenging and taxing about keeping the child in their place. Your word is law and there is no room for negotiation. Okay. So let's say your child is in a situation that you don't control - a situation where other people are in control, and they are under pressure to drink, take drugs etc. Do you avoid that situation by home-schooling your kids? Monitoring their every step? Sooner or later they have to leave your care, and they will encounter situations in which they are under pressure to do things that aren't good for them. That's where their personal character and ability to stand up for what they think is right comes into play.

 

You can teach them "these are my values, and that's what goes in this house. No debate. No discussion." To actually stand by those values in a situation that you don't control, they're going to have to believe in those values. To have a very clear idea as to why they hold those values. Plus they're going to have to have developed the ability to stand up for themselves.

 

If they get swiped down at home, the moment they attempt to discuss or negotiate...then where is it that they learn to do these things? Is there a magical other place where they'll obtain all the tools and skills they need to discuss things, negotiate, stand up for themselves and what they believe in...?

 

 

If a person gives birth to a life they should know up front. Your life ends and their life begin, period. What you do will be benefiting to them. Every parent that loves their child will lay down their life. When you become a parent you are accepting to have a challenging and taxing life. It’s all a part of the manual. Hard work. Just like marriage. Hard work… no vacation.

 

Control is something a parent has to teach a child before they walk out into the world. Throughout life you give them tests to see how good their judgment call is. You watch the maturing of the mind. Like I said you only need common sense to walk this earth. No degree can save you, only common sense. Teaching your child logic will help them make the right decisions. It will help them make decisions about the company they keep. If you choose not to teach them they will crumble in a circumstance that requires them to think for themselves. What will be the end result if I commit this act? My mother scared me straight with reality. Do you know what a crack head is? Do you know what a crack head looks like? Do you know that when some people who wipe and sniff there noses depending they are taking drugs? Let’s take a trip into a certain neighborhood so I can show you the effects of what drugs can lead to. I am my mother’s only child. I’m spoiled rotten but she ruled me with “iron fist.” She schooled me on everything and left no room for someone to step in and tell me other wise. All facts and I thank her.

 

Parents talk to your children. Tell them the truth about life... no lies. Show them the picture of the real world. Drive in the opposite direction of what they consider a safe haven and see how appreciative of the world you created for them they’ll be.

 

Your daughter likes having sex get the video tape. Watch the baby’s big head squeezing through the vagina… screams and all…. stretch. You want to have a baby, no epidural this pain will forever be marked in your memory. Pain. You want to have unprotected sex we are going to volunteer at a HIV clinic. See what this disease can do. Reality is what will keep your kid alive. Tough love can go in any direction.

[turnera]

I wish that you and Emme would stop lumping all young people, in the same spoiled and selfish category.

 

Did you read my posts? I grew up just like those Asian kids and we are carribean blacks. My parents were determined to raise four black children who defied awful stereotypes. I was spanked as a child if I dared to LOOK at my mother, or any adult, in a disrespectful manner. We had to use "ma'am" "sir", along with "Mr" and "Miss". I had much earlier curfews than my peers and could not date until I was 18. My mother made sure I had "woman skills", which was sexist yet useful.

 

I have forgiven my parents for being too strict and abusive. With parenting, the road to hell is paved with good intentioned. My parents only wanted their large brood to live good lives. Their hearts were in the right place. I forgive them because anger will burn my soul and keep me bitter. Despite the hitting, my parents were very affectionate to us.

 

All of their children have attended college or university. None of us have ever been to jail or had children as teenagers. We were terrified of our parents, so we were GREAT kids. I have volunteered as phone support to suicidal people. I have also worked with severely disabled people. I have worked since I was 16. Self Centered? I think not.

 

I am only 29, Miss Emme and Miss Turnera. Not all young people are silly and coddled.

And you all turned out that great BECAUSE your parents raised you strictly. That's what this is all about. You can read dozens and dozens of books about it, research, psychology, that all boils down to what people have known for centuries, thousands of years: spoiling your child harms your child. If your parents were abusive, I feel for you. But it was their strictness that taught you to how to live a decent, respectable adult life.

 

But you're right. I shouldn't lump all young people together; of course there will always be young people who buck this trend; my DD20 is proof of it. But it's not just me that sees the trend. In fact, it's such a BIG trend, that your generation has created a conundrum in businesses across the country. People are actually writing books, going on talk shows, having seminars, on what to do with the 20-somethings that are simply taking their entitled me-approach into the workplace and expecting to get promoted within a year or two, don't want to do the grunt work, and have no respect for their elder coworkers. And they quit jobs if they don't get where they want to be in a couple years.

 

At any rate, this is a waste of time and bandwidth; no one is going to change their opinions, and we're way beyond KaReN's issue. Sorry for the t/j.

[Dooda]

And you all turned out that great BECAUSE your parents raised you strictly. That's what this is all about. You can read dozens and dozens of books about it, research, psychology, that all boils down to what people have known for centuries, thousands of years: spoiling your child harms your child. If your parents were abusive, I feel for you. But it was their strictness that taught you to how to live a decent, respectable adult life.

 

But you're right. I shouldn't lump all young people together; of course there will always be young people who buck this trend; my DD20 is proof of it. But it's not just me that sees the trend. In fact, it's such a BIG trend, that your generation has created a conundrum in businesses across the country. People are actually writing books, going on talk shows, having seminars, on what to do with the 20-somethings that are simply taking their entitled me-approach into the workplace and expecting to get promoted within a year or two, don't want to do the grunt work, and have no respect for their elder coworkers. And they quit jobs if they don't get where they want to be in a couple years.

 

At any rate, this is a waste of time and bandwidth; no one is going to change their opinions, and we're way beyond KaReN's issue. Sorry for the t/j.

 

You're taking her post completely wrong. What makes a 'great' child? Obeying, bowing down, fear, and unabiding loyalty? Because that is what it sounded like the way Lady described. They were GREAT children in the eyes of the abusive parents.

You wanna know something about me? I was a grade A student, always top of my class, always energetic and involved in activities. Then, my subconscious got ahead of me and my wild and innocent spirit got pulled back after years of being told nothing was good enough, of being treated like the runt of the family, like I was sick, like something was wrong with me. No matter what I did, I was told I can do better. I got beatings, hard beatings. Rules were rules, as absurd as they may have been, and privileges were taken at a whim and took ages to get back.

I grew up in an inconsistent family. One second my mother was saying how much she loved me, the next she was saying how dark of a day it was that I was born and that she never wanted a second son. One second, my dad was calm, and the next, BAM a punch straight to the knocker that left me bruised and having to lie to my friends that I had hit my head on the door like an idiot. One second I felt loved, the next I felt hated. And I became confused, and depressed and anxious, and I didn't realize why until my family sent me to military school for a year where I was treated like **** and came back an angry mess with a 90 percent average in my bag. I guess that was accomplished. All my parents dreams had come true. I had a 90 average and was accepted into all the universities I had applied to. Congrats me.

What they hadn't taught me was how to deal with a situation. They hadn't taught me patience, or respect, or unconditional love, or how to treat people. They told me that the world was out to get me and that this world is full of two-faced people, and for the longest time I remained a self-indulged, racist, homophobic brat just BECAUSE of the way they treated me. Their strict upbringing backfired and created a child unwilling to do anything because he was too fed up of constantly being undermined.

Not such a success story.

Edited July 26, 2011 by Dooda

[Taramere]

If a person gives birth to a life they should know up front. Your life ends and their life begin, period. What you do will be benefiting to them. Every parent that loves their child will lay down their life. When you become a parent you are accepting to have a challenging and taxing life. It’s all a part of the manual. Hard work. Just like marriage. Hard work… no vacation.

 

You said in your previous post, that raising a child isn't taxing and challenging.

 

As for your life ending when theirs begins, that seems quite a disturbing way to look at it. Your life doesn't end. You carry on being a breathing, thinking functioning human being. So I think what you're actually saying is that you stop living for yourself and start living for your child. Then through your child. Which is a recipe for becoming a stifling, controlling parent.

 

My father was not a perfect parent by any means, but he progressed and grew as a person as a result of the parenting role. He realised there were issues about his own childhood that he had to lay to rest and that he had to get some grip over his temper. For all his faults and temper, he is aware of them, has remained open to learning throughout his life - and I think he can say he has had a successful life in many ways as he has been able to adapt to changing circumstances around him.

 

Which is essence of survival. The fittest are the most adapable (though I have an inkling that Darwinian theory and you will not be friends).

 

I am my mother’s only child. I’m spoiled rotten but she ruled me with “iron fist.” She schooled me on everything and left no room for someone to step in and tell me other wise. All facts and I thank her.

 

I see. I'll leave you in peace to carry on spreading your manifesto.

[goldmoon]

And according to KaReN, that's about what happened. It was a one-time deal, for BOTH of them, and they talked it out and, no doubt, both learned a great deal about themselves and each other.

 

Turnera: it's good news, thanks for pointing it out. I stand corrected

 

KaReNine: if the above is true, and your case is a one-time thing, not one with a consistent abuse on either side, the best is just to forget the incident and to only remember what you've learned from it.

 

If you keep dwelling on this, it would only get more confusing.

 

You and your mother both apologised to each other. Forgiving also means forgetting the bad part and to move on.

[Eve]

I hear a latent undertone here.

 

To me it says black = religious upbringing and corporal punishment. White = being rational and not engaging in corporal punishment.. also by and large unreligious.

 

I have grown up in both types of household so this does interest me.

 

The OP came across as a white person to me but I may be wrong. I think her response is typical of white culture.

 

I suppose I have been prompted by the Darwinian comment from a poster and was considering how they came to their assessment.

 

If I am honest I think many ethnic families are mainly concerned with their children becoming too involved in taking on the attitude of white culture over and above anything else and can go to extreme measures to prevent these attitudes in their children. Some end up hiding their own inadequacies under the guise of it being a cultural thing, others are able to direct their children without excessive force.

 

Culture is a funny thing..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[bentnotbroken]

I hear a latent undertone here.

 

To me it says black = religious upbringing and corporal punishment. White = being rational and not engaging in corporal punishment.. also by and large unreligious.

 

I have grown up in both types of household so this does interest me.

 

The OP came across as a white person to me but I may be wrong. I think her response is typical of white culture.

 

I suppose I have been prompted by the Darwinian comment from a poster and was considering how they came to their assessment.

 

If I am honest I think many ethnic families are mainly concerned with their children becoming too involved in taking on the attitude of white culture over and above anything else and can go to extreme measures to prevent these attitudes in their children. Some end up hiding their own inadequacies under the guise of it being a cultural thing, others are able to direct their children without excessive force.

 

Culture is a funny thing..

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

 

Interesting thought. I have been black all my life and I haven't experienced this in my family or community of origin nor the community I am a part of now. It isn't even a part of the conversation. Both of my children have god parents of different cultural backgrounds. Since we are members of differing cultural backgrounds, it is kind of hard for me to see this. Maybe your thought has some basis.

[Lucky_One]

Since you blocked me earlier (or threatened to), Dooda, it is doubtful that you read this. But just like I told you before - it is time for you to stop your ranting of the past 2 years on LS and either get therapy to overcome your severe anger at the abuse you felt you received as a child or get over it on your own. But you can't manage to post on a thread here without bringing up all the horrors of life that you have experienced. I know a lot of people (I am of advanced age) and many of them have gone through a lot of terrible things (familial abuse, spouse abuse, rape, deployment, murder of a family member, drug abuse, to name a few), and they aren't compelled by their pain or anger to bring it up in every conversation. Because if they did, they would end up with precious few friends - people don't want to be around others with unhealthy obsessions over their own pasts when they aren't trying to make their own futures better.

 

Back to the topic of abuse. I was recently accused on LS by one poster who said that it sounded as though I raised my son in a culture of fear and intimidation. And that is very far from the truth. We have very clear household rules, and these are sometimes deviated from. An example was that my son doesn't leave his shoes in the living room floor - he carries them to his room. Why? Because I said so, and I am the parent and it is my house. I don't bother with trying to "reason" with him as to why shoes on the floor are unacceptable to me, as there really is no health or safety reason to use as a good argument. "Son, move your shoes upstairs. Mom, I think they are fine in the corner there by the door. Son, I don't like them there. Mom, I do. Son, they are unattractive and I don't like them there. Mom, they are handy and they don't smell, and I DO like them there." I don't freaking think so - this is my house, and I am the parent. Shoes go upstairs because I say so. NOT because I am militant or abusive or cruel or illogical. I did spank my child on rare occasions, but I don't remember spanking him past the age of 3 or so.

 

And for the record, I have a HS aged son who has lettered in 3 sports, is in honors or AP classes with a 4.48 average, doesn't break curfew, says ma'am and excuse me, and who loves me deeply; we have a strong, respectful relationship where he feels free to tell me about problems he has and where I ask his opinion on life decisions that I must make for our family.

 

And if he came in drunk and if I was upset and was yelling at him, and if he called me a c*nt, you are damn straight I would slap the everliving crap out of him. Drunkenness happens in life, upset and yelling happens in life - but calling 1) a woman 2) an adult 3) your mother the 'c' word will only happen in MY house once. And I had best never hear of him calling another woman such a vile name again.

 

(For empirical evidence based on where this thread now seems to be heading - son and I are white, and I was raised in the South by conservative, upper-middle class Episcopalians although I now live in another part of the country. Divorced mom, remarried, XH is still firmly a part of child's life - just in case anyone here is looking at statistics or familial status for "abuse".)

[KaReNine]

Wow it'll probably take me an hour to read all the responses I missed so I'm gonna read the last ones and then go back to the previous ones.

 

To update this, yes I've said on one of my previous post that it has all been sorted out by now. We have apologized to each other and then I was told her story. I didn't know she used to be a heavy drinker and how difficult it was to quit drinking.

Needless to say I still got grounded for the entire month. I can't go out with my friends during that time unless it's something important such as relating to school or family reunion.

[Taramere]

I suppose I have been prompted by the Darwinian comment from a poster and was considering how they came to their assessment.

 

I mentioned Darwin. Survival of the fittest which means survival of the most adaptable. What might have worked in previous eras, parenting wise, will not necessarily be so effective in this far less certain modern era. For people to think "I'll do it the way my parents did it... and that'll work fine" could be a mistake if it means they lack the self confidence their peers have.

 

My brother and I were talking about this the other day, in the context of his kids who are still under 10. How much more confident they are than we ever were at that age. Far better able to socialise with adults than we would have been (we always just sat silently until we were spoken to). He said something along the lines of "you can't bring kids up the way we were brought up. They need a lot of confidence to get by these days."

 

When the other poster talked about her mother knowing everything, teaching her all she needs to know, I got this mental image of somebody very conservative and traditional, who believes in creationism and has no interest in challenging her own existing thinking (the challenging approach being one I associate more with the scientific, exploratory mind). Hence my feeling that she wouldn't regard Darwin with much fondness. Just a hunch.

 

Apologies to OP for going so badly off topic. My last contribution, I promise.