debtman Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 andyg99, Excellent post. Glad to hear you had such a great weekend and are doing so well with everything. It's nice to know that, eventually, things will work out well for you and your kids (especially her daughter) will benefit from your stability and sanity. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Andy, sorry I'm posting so late into your thread. I believe in marriage -that it is a permanent arrangement. This changes with adultery and abandonment. Here is the thing... so is divorce. A marriage separated by another marriage is not kosher. Continue to never think about your ex. Biblically, this is who she is. May I add my voice to all those who have complimented you for looking after your ex's daughter. In truth, you are her father. I hope that you can resolve the legal difficulties. God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 God bless you, Andy. I truly mean that with all my heart & soul. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andyg99 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Andy, sorry I'm posting so late into your thread. I believe in marriage -that it is a permanent arrangement. This changes with adultery and abandonment. Here is the thing... so is divorce. A marriage separated by another marriage is not kosher. Continue to never think about your ex. Biblically, this is who she is. May I add my voice to all those who have complimented you for looking after your ex's daughter. In truth, you are her father. I hope that you can resolve the legal difficulties. God bless. imagine - thank you for those kind words... and thanks again everyone for the support and encouragement. I hope my story serves as an example and gives some hope to all here who are broken hearted over the end of their marriage. Your children will always be yours, be there for them. You will heal and that process begins when you forgive yourself and let the other person go. Always do the right thing - in my case I guess the best thing would have been to offer my home to her daughter but let her know that I'm glad we are friends and it wouldn't work with us living together. But it is what it is and honestly the best possible outcome has happened. Don't be afraid to open your heart again, I did but I did it for the wrong person... I want to thank everyone also for their threads and stories, I hope my comments and advice are helpful. Debtman I'm following your story too, you should be proud how you are handling your situation! I'll continue to hang out here for a while, it's great therapy writing down my thoughts and the replies are helpful. You're a great bunch and together we will all get through our troubles, afterall that's why we are here on this planet, to lend a hand and an ear every once in a while... Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 andyg99, thanks for all the input, advice and inspiration. Your story is the perfect example of a horrible situation being turned into an incredible opportunity. The way you're dealing with the emotions and being there as a father is remarkable. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author andyg99 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Share Posted July 29, 2011 Update - Pretty long.... So the latest - the girl's dad is stepping up a bit and he has set up a room for her in his brother’s home (only about a mile from me). The ex caught wind of me looking into getting guardianship and flipped out, called her latest ex and went nuts saying "he's trying to take our daughter away"... She found out through my daughter (which was presented to her in a normal way - kind of like "hey mom, dad is thinking of getting custody of --- she can be on his insurance")... So I called the girl's dad and we had a talk, I told him the guardianship idea was in the best interest of his daughter and in no way was I doing this to take her away from anyone. We both agreed that its best that we are both involved in raising this girl because the ex will be gone on Sept. 1. The ex is in major denial, my son flat out said she was abandoning the girl and she basically is telling everyone that it is not abandonment... in short this is all great news, her dad is finally seeing what is going on here, he is 100% supportive with his girl continuing to spend time with me... it looks like she'll be with me about 50% of the time... I couldn't be happier! A child needs a parent in their life and with one leaving at least one has opened his eyes! So how did I find out that the ex flipped out? Well I had a talk with her mom. I called to verify that the ex got my message when I texted her about money she owes me, she didn't answer the text for a day so I called her mom to let her know I still wanted the money... so her mom just let go with the latest drama of my ex's life (her mom couldn’t be happier that she is leaving next month)... I have to admit that maybe I should have stopped her and said I really don't care but as the story went on the part of me that wants to see her fail couldn't stop listening - for those of you who are still in pain and still wondering how someone can leave you for another please know this: if they begin a life based on lies it will fail, they are not "doing great" and living a happy life because you are gone... of course everyone will be different, here is an example of what that "life of bliss" that you think the one who has dumped is leading is really like: So as I have said she basically met a guy on-line (I'll cal him Guy#1), knows him for a few weeks and is ready to move in 1500 miles away - all the while abandoning her 12 year old girl. Well looks like this guy was the second choice, she had met someone even further away, all the way on the east coast, he had more money (Guy#2), but when that wasn't panning out as fast as she wanted she put her attention on the current guy. And guess what? she is still contacting the first guy! In fact she is with Guy#1 this weekend and she tells her mom she has to shut her phone off in his presence in case Guy#2 calls... Wow, sounds like bliss don't it? Also friends of Guy#1 are questioning the timing of this, why so quick? how can she leave her daughter behind? she is already complaining about his friends! (she did it with me and her current ex)... Basically it's a mess and her mom already has said it's doomed for failure - well duh! my guess is she keeps working on Guy#2 ($$$$) and leaves Guy#1 as soon as she can manipulate the situation in her favor. Of course the Guy#2 situation will fall apart eventually too... She's a mess, I'm sure this is an extreme example of how women like her lie, deceive and manipulate to get something that they really don't even know what they are looking for.... She is already "changing" to fit the new guys needs, and when she gets comfortable she'll become her old self... it's really funny and sad... sad that this is the mother of my 3 children and 1 child who I love as my own... my concern of course has always been the little girl but in the past few weeks I really see it effecting my oldest, she loves her mom and seeing this side of her if really confusing, even to a 21 year old woman... Guys and gals - when we have been hurt by someone we love who is cheating on us we are really losing a liar and BS artist... we may be lonely and sad and wonder what awesome times they are having with their new love, what great sex must be going on... but think about it for a moment, the ex can’t fully enjoy themselves... when you base things on lies you live in fear that you will be exposed, when you change your stripes for someone you pray that you have them hooked before the real you shows up.... we have been given a gift, we have been stripped of someone who is poison to us... we must heal and then we will live the life we are meant to live, it could be alone or it could be with someone else but in the end we have our dignity, our lives will be build on trust and the truth... bid your ex good riddance and know that their life isn't better because they left you, their life is just the same as it was when they left: because they chose not to fix anything inside.... 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debtman Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Wow...great news about the girl's dad being on board. Your story rings so true of what's going on with my stbx and the OM. They're just such a strange combination and her brother-in-law was telling me just the other day how it will never work out and how completely opposite they are and how she just doesn't see it. She said something yesterday on the phone to me about "getting together" sometime to talk and, suddenly, her conversations have switched from moving out of state to buying a house. Just so completely indecisive, changing and unpredictable. Life is so much easier being single. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author andyg99 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Life is so much easier being single. Good luck and keep posting... you got that right! while cheaters will continue to fool themselves that a relationship that started with a lie is going to work just fine we will move on, heal and if we choose find real love someday.... and if not we will have the best life with ourselves and our children.... when the honeymoon is over cheaters find themselves in the same situation, with the same problems.... 4 more weeks and hopefully she'll be gone for good - as for her new guy... poor bastard.... Edited August 3, 2011 by andyg99 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andyg99 Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Update: The ex finally took off yesterday to be with her new guy. And yup, she left her 12 year old daughter behind. Needless to say the girl is pretty devastated by the move. Since my last update the ex has pretty much been trying to spend a lot of time with my kids and her daughter. As my son said a couple of months back – “too little, too late”. My kids are old enough to process her actions (even though my daughter is very upset too) but the 12 year old is full of mixed emotions now (mostly anger and sadness). This “farewell tour” that she has been doing for the past few weeks has only messed up the girl’s head… So me and the girl’s dad will be taking care of her, mostly she’ll be with me. The ex tried to control things until the very end even at one time insisting that she be with her dad 100% of the time – which would mean her alone in an apartment most of the time because of his work schedule. To his credit he has agreed that she is better off with me, she has her siblings and her own room with me, also she has known my home as hers since she was barely 2. The ex insisting on her being with her dad is an example of the selfishness of this woman – what could be her reason? Maybe because it would make more sense when talking to her new guy, you know, “my daughter is with her dad” as opposed to “my daughter is with my other ex who just happened to be there for me and her when we had no where to go” – in other words she is more concerned with how she is presenting her life to some stranger than she is with what is best for her own daughter. So folks, a new chapter of my life has begun, I’m sad that my little princess has to go through this pain but I’m happy and more than hopeful that she will come out of it just fine with caring and love from the people who would never abandon her. As her mom is right now maybe it’s better that she doesn’t have her as her role model. A parent who would abandon a child is garbage. For those of you going through the pain of a divorce or potential divorce and you have kids please be there for them. You can’t control anyone but yourself… make them the focus of your life, make them the reason you get up every day… Forget your ex – if anything just pray that they are the best parent they can be. Thank you all again for the support – this place has done wonders in helping me heal, I’m in a very good place in my life and with a child depending on me I NEED to be in that good place! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Dude, you seriously need a father of the year award! Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 andyg99, Unbelievable that anyone could do that to their own child. You've done an incredible thing and stepped up to the plate and given that girl the opportunity to have a loving home and family. That's an incredibly selfless decision and just demonstrates the vast difference between your level of maturity and responsibility vs. that of your ex... Also speaks to the girl's dad's character that he understands that working with you is the best thing for his daughter... Can't agree more with your statement about kids and divorce. Focusing on my kids has been the emotional saving grace of my divorce and helped me realize that, in order to have a good, healthy, happy relationship with them, I had to be happy myself. Can't extend enough kudos to you man...inspirational... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 WOW, just read this thread - what an inspiration and stand up guy you are. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Good luck with your new chapter Link to post Share on other sites
itllgetbetter Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Andyg99: To say that your kids & step-daughter are lucky to have a dad like you is an understatement. Good for you for working with the dad & exW to make this happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Everest_21 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Dear andyg99, You and Debtman have been really an inspiration for me . Thanx to such inspirational people like you out here I have started to straighten myself up .I am now getting help to deal with the **** I was dealt with and I will come out positively . As far as my daughter well I have filed for visitation rights and I hope regular court directed schedule will allow access to her atleast 30% of the time .Soon she will be an integral part of my life .. I am now looking forward to making a better life with someone soon .(Well haven't found her yet.)but I know she is waiting somewhere around the corner. Link to post Share on other sites
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