Sometimes, it just doesn't work out

[onlyafool]

I've been reading on this site for quite some time. Everyone here has great insight on a vast array of relationship issues. I'm sure my story is like 1000s of others on this site, but I wanted to share anyway. Maybe my take on a breakup will help at least one person...

 

I dated this beautiful girl for 6 months and in that time we shared a lot of good times and memories. Things that, no matter how hard we both tried, will never go away. Mushy gushy, butterflies, light-headedness, the whole 9 yards. Never fought or argued, agreed on lots of things, but had enough differences to make things interesting. It was a whirlwind of emotions and good feelings felt on both sides for much longer than either of us had ever experienced in a relationship post our divorces. It felt so right and I never wanted it to end.

 

Then, just as fast as we started, her feelings for me changed and that spark was gone. I'm a pretty intuitive guy and I could sense the change, almost to the day. However, I continued on, trying to not over-think what I was seeing. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to manage my emotions, because that’s my job…not hers. I did ask her on a couple of occasions if everything was alright, to which she replied "I have a lot of stuff going on in my head, but as far as you and I are concerned, things are great". I took her at her word and moved forward. This was about 4 months into the relationship.

 

Despite what she was saying to me...her actions didn't match the words. Shortly after that 4 month mark, I spiraled into this internal turmoil. Stopped eating, started smoking more, had trouble sleeping, was generally unhappy in most aspects of my life. I was the one making plans with her, initiating contact, reaching out to her and I felt terrible about it. It was so one-sided and completely against all the rules of dating. Rules I knew very well. It's been said many, many times; relationships have to be a two-way street. I, on the other hand, was on a one-lane road headed directly into on-coming traffic.

 

Finally, 3 weeks ago I’d had enough and needed to take control of my feelings and called her out what I was seeing and how it didn't shore up with what she was saying. She broke down and gave me the whole "flip switched" story. Saying she just lost her feelings and she doesn’t know why. I was being great to her; I was a good dad, great person, etc… She cried and cried and said there was something wrong with her and she doesn't know why it happens (I guess she's had it happen a few times in the past). I just sat there silently. Not much I could say. Nothing really for me to say, ya know. This was her deal, not mine and in a way, the 3 weeks prior I’d been sort of preparing myself for this. I’m 36 years old, I’ve seen enough in my time and I’m a pretty good judge of people/personalities. When something doesn’t feel right, you’re probably right.

 

Now here's where I might be unique from many of you. I've had this happen to me in past relationships post-divorce, where my flip just switched...for no reason. The girl was great, in every way. Good looking, good job, kids were great, stable, reliable, great all the way around. They just weren’t great for me. And it hurts, both people, obviously and especially the person who you lost feelings for because you can't give them any explanation other than "I'm just not feeling it anymore". Too me, it doesn’t matter whether you dated 3 months or 3 years.

 

This brings me back to the tables being turned on me with my ex. Since I've experienced the same thing, I had a little insight into what she may be going through. People lose feelings for a number of reasons; not wanting to be committed to a relationship, personal problems, someone else, still looking/searching for someone, restless, crazy, etc... Whatever the reason, it just happens. Sure, I was/am hurt because the relationship ended before I wanted it too. I did nothing wrong. I was courteous, responsive, affectionate, not controlling, no jealousy, no drama or game playing...i.e. all the things I thought a girl wants in a relationship. But for this girl, in this relationship, it wasn't good enough. And that's ok and as hard as it was to say this, I told her that very thing. It is ok. No use begging, crying, pleading or any of that. What’s the point?

 

Now, here’s the downside of all of this. She makes a habit out of keeping exes around as friends. For me, when I was dating her, I saw no problem with that. I'm not a jealous person. I told her from the get-go, you're with me now and that's all that matters. You keep being attentive to my needs and I will do the same for you and none of that matters. In the back of my head though, I thought briefly that if we were to breakup that's what she's going to want to be with me...a friend. Well, I'm not capable of doing that. I’ve never done that with anyone I've dated. The only ex I have room in my life for is my ex-wife and that's because we have kids. Well, when the time came for the split with this girl, she tried to friend me. Too which I said, "I'm sorry but I need to let you go and I can't do that if I hear from you...even periodically. I need to move on and grieve this relationship and I can't do that if you pop up every once in a while. I wish you and your kids the very best. I will miss you more than you know." She cried and responded by saying she was very sad that we can't be friends at least and that I'll always have a place in her heart. If I ever change my mind, I know how to find her. We kissed...and I walked away

 

And that was it.

 

I'm not mad at her. I don't hate her. She's not a bad person. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out between two people. Sure I'm hurt, but that hurt will go away eventually. Now, do I think I will ever hear from her again? Maybe, maybe not. As for me changing my mind and being her friend at some point. I won't. You see, you only get one chance at me. If I kept floating in and out of her life or her mine, we'd never get closure. Sure, her feelings would remain the same (as not being romantically connected to me) but she'd never lose me from her life...if I was always there. And that’s what she wanted in the first place. I mean, we weren’t friends before we started dating. So why would I continue a relationship with someone that lost feelings for me? Kind of like a constant reminder of a failure, ya dig? That and the fact that when I meet someone new, I don't want that person to ever have to question whether I have feelings for my ex. Its unneeded drama in a new relationship and it's not fair to the new person. When my ex talked about her exes, it didn't bother me, but most people aren't like me. I can't assume that they are and I don't want to put them in the uncomfortable position of having to confront me about it.

 

Anyway, the moral of my story is this…. Just because someone loses feelings for you, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Quite the contrary, this is THEIR problem, not yours and the sooner you come to this realization, the sooner you can move on. Also, do yourself a favor and remove yourself from their lives BUT tell them you are doing so. Don’t just disappear without saying something, that’s just mean. Take a deep breath. Tell them straightforward and honestly. If you didn’t want me as a bf/gf, then you don’t deserve me as a friend. A friend wouldn’t do what you did to me and then expect me to continue being friends.

 

Remember, YOU are a precious commodity. Sticking around in a pseudo relationship with someone that doesn’t want to be romantically involved with you anymore, reduces your value...reduces your self esteem...reduces your self-worth. You’re better than that. I’m better than that. And I guarandangtee you, there’s someone out there in this great big world that will see just exactly what I’m talking about

 

**Parting note**

 

I may be short sided in my thinking, about removing myself from their lives, but it works for me and in the long run, I think it’s best for both parties. I fully understand that there are people out there that were friends before lovers and there are always exceptions to every rule. But for me, my sanity and the sanity of anyone I get involved with, it’s best to chug on down the road with the good memories tied in a little red and white polka-dotted bag on a stick. You spent a portion of your life on this planet with this person, but that time has ended. So move forward, be good to yourself, be good to those around you and love again. Even if you’re put right back in this situation. If you love you, it won’t matter whether someone loves you back or not.

 

Hope this makes sense

Edited July 13, 2011 by onlyafool

[Duckduckgoose]

Now here's where I might be unique from many of you. I've had this happen to me in past relationships post-divorce, where my flip just switched...for no reason. The girl was great, in every way. Good looking, good job, kids were great, stable, reliable, great all the way around. They just weren’t great for me. And it hurts, both people, obviously and especially the person who you lost feelings for because you can't give them any explanation other than "I'm just not feeling it anymore". Too me, it doesn’t matter whether you dated 3 months or 3 years.

 

This brings me back to the tables being turned on me with my ex. Since I've experienced the same thing, I had a little insight into what she may be going through. People lose feelings for a number of reasons; not wanting to be committed to a relationship, personal problems, someone else, still looking/searching for someone, restless, crazy, etc... Whatever the reason, it just happens. Sure, I was/am hurt because the relationship ended before I wanted it too. I did nothing wrong. I was courteous, responsive, affectionate, not controlling, no jealousy, no drama or game playing...i.e. all the things I thought a girl wants in a relationship. But for this girl, in this relationship, it wasn't good enough.

 

Hmm... I really hope this switch-flipping is not common to all divorcees, because as a divorcee I really don't want to cop out on a person I chose to get into a relationship.

 

Stable, reliable, good-looking, great all the way around...

 

...sounds like someone has GIGS in a big way.

 

Maybe divorce flips this switch:

 

"Well, this stable, reliable person is probably going to get boring. So I will leave them, and instead go for someone ****ing crazy like my ex-wife was!".

 

...I would pick stability, reliability, good-looking, etc any day.

[onlyafool]

Hmm... I really hope this switch-flipping is not common to all divorcees, because as a divorcee I really don't want to cop out on a person I chose to get into a relationship.

 

Stable, reliable, good-looking, great all the way around...

 

...sounds like someone has GIGS in a big way.

 

Maybe divorce flips this switch:

 

"Well, this stable, reliable person is probably going to get boring. So I will leave them, and instead go for someone ****ing crazy like my ex-wife was!".

 

...I would pick stability, reliability, good-looking, etc any day.

 

I had GIGS big time, up to a year post divorce. That was 7 years ago though and this girl was divorced for 5. The point of my post wasn't to address the "why's". I know for me it was GIGS. For her, I could care less. It's not my responsibility to figure it out and I certainly wasn't gonna hang around while she figured it out. Remember the good times, walk away, but do it with grace. It's a lose lose if you stick around.

 

Easier said than done for some though, I know.

[Lemontang]

Onlyafool, dude that was off the chart, very well written. You clearly have put a lot of thought into it.

 

It's true there are exceptions to the rule. I'm friends with most of my ex's bar two, one is by their choice, one is by mine. And the ones I'm friends with understand the boundaries I work in.

 

That and I've experienced the flip switch myself for no reason, I've even had it switch back on too. Less than 6 months in I wasn't feeling it and she was doing everything right. I wasn't in gigs, or even unhappy, I just wasn't interested in being with her. But I chose to work through it. And I'm happy to say I did. But even if it didn't work out I'd at least know I put 100% in to try and save it.

[Duckduckgoose]

"Dude" looks like a lady, thank you

[IfiKnewThen]

onlyafool.... you werent a fool. only a kind hearted man who wasnt insecure and TRUSTED your ex being friends with her ex's. i personally think she still harbored feelings and maybe even hope with an ex.

 

 

i dont know her from adam, but i am thinking her other males relationships interfered with yours. she did need to put away with the "old", to get on with the "new" . that meant you (as the new man in her life). you should have been her friend during the relationship. not now. but during the relationship.. not some other male ex. this is not your fault. you were an intitial friend to he,r by trusting her and allowing and accepting other "ex" male friendships in her life. but essentially, she chose one of the ex's friendship over yours. and got closer to them and they likely talked her out of being with u. i know it sounds complicated but think about it.

 

its just too risky to go along with her being firends with her ex's. someone else could have harbored some old feelings for her, was jealous of you.....said something to her like, "i dont think this guy is for you...."

 

maybe that "ex" acted all innocent about it. like he was just being a good old friend. yeah, right.

 

but if this is the burden she carries with her, (having ex's around) then you would have ultimately had a miserable life with her.

 

you have good insight and make a lot of sense. unfortunately, the trouble was likely that she couldnt be completely trusted. or she just uses very BAD judgement.

 

 

also, what yopu said should go down in LS history as a must have in ones LS files. : ) quote: Anyway, the moral of my story is this…. Just because someone loses feelings for you, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Quite the contrary, this is THEIR problem, not yours and the sooner you come to this realization, the sooner you can move on. Also, do yourself a favor and remove yourself from their lives BUT tell them you are doing so. Don’t just disappear without saying something, that’s just mean. Take a deep breath. Tell them straightforward and honestly. If you didn’t want me as a bf/gf, then you don’t deserve me as a friend. A friend wouldn’t do what you did to me and then expect me to continue being friends.

 

Remember, YOU are a precious commodity. Sticking around in a pseudo relationship with someone that doesn’t want to be romantically involved with you anymore, reduces your value...reduces your self esteem...reduces your self-worth. You’re better than that. I’m better than that. And I guarandangtee you, there’s someone out there in this great big world that will see just exactly what I’m talking about

 

you gave good advise. i think this girl is going to regret she let you go so fast someday.

Edited July 14, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[Tryin Hard 2 Make It]

onlyafool, great post! Oh, and welcome to LS! Question, how did you handle your divorce and did you have kids during the divorce?

[onlyafool]

@lemon - 'preciate the kind words. Yeah, like I said, there are plenty of people out there that can do the ex-friend thing. It's just not for me. I take a black and white approach to it. When we're done, we're done. No reason to swim in Lake Nostalgia.

 

I've had exes that broke up with me, reach out months/even years later and say they were very upset with me for vanishing from their lives. But honestly, what was I supposed to do? Watch them find and fall in love with someone else? My statement, "I wish you the very best" is sincere and from the heart. I just don't need to be around for their best...because their best has nothing to do with me anymore. Mr. Henley said it best - "...don't look back, you can never look back."

 

 

@duck - then I guess I'm a bald lady

[onlyafool]

@ifiknewthen - yeah, in the 3 weeks of heartache that thought crossed my mind. An ex coming back into the picture romantically. But to be honest, with all of my problems with my ex-wife and my trust issues with her I chose to give my ex-gf the benefit of the doubt. Can't bring my past relationship woes into new relationships, ya know?

 

Whether she's with him now or not, is not my concern. If that was the right person for her, then so be it. Who am I to stand in the way. I do know that even though she may have been with this guy before, this is a rebound relationship. Doesn't matter how you slice it and she'll be right back in the same sinking boat again. Which, like you say, is her having bad judgement.

 

As for LS history, nah... everyone needs to know that. Whether they chose to believe it...well.. that's up to them.

 

@tryin - Thanks! I was married for 11 years to a girl I got pregnant after 5 months of dating. I was young and dumb. We had 2 kids together. Separated for a year, during which time she cheated on me with some guy...who as luck would have it, had at one time slept with the girl I just broke up with small world huh? Anyway, during the first year after the divorce I dated a couple of girls but never introduced them to my kids. When my kids were with me, it was just the 3 of us. No complications with relationships or other people competing for my time with them. Their mother was partying til all hours of the night with them at her place, having randoms around them, the works. I promised them I would never do that and I never have. My time with them is precious and fleeting because they are getting up in age and soon they won't want to spend as much time with their old man lol.. so I take advantage. As for me personally, I probably could have handled the divorce better then I did...as far as how I treated myself. I was depressed and eventually got really lonely. I was lonely even when I was dating someone. I just wasn't comfortable where I was at. That lasted about a year. Shortly after that, I had a change of heart. I realized, yeah, I made mistakes in my marriage and in relationships during that year post divorce and that I wasn't going to do that anymore. It wasn't good for me or anyone around me. I learned from my mistakes and now I'm a better, happier person. That's exactly why I was able to get to a peaceful place so fast after this latest breakup. Knowing that the mistakes from my past, didn't creep into that relationship. Which, if you think about it, is why I can walk away knowing SHE is the one that has issues she needs to deal with...not me. Hope that helps!

[thelovingkind]

Awesome post, hits every note spot on. I was on the receiving end of the "flip switch" when my last ex broke up with me, and have been a couple times before that as well. Because I haven't had an experience with being the flip switcher, it's been a struggle for me to accept the break-ups at a gut level even though cognitively I fully appreciate that the brain processes behind attraction and attachment are unstable and totally prone to unwind quickly, especially during a relationship's first year. I am proud of myself for locking down this last break up quickly and not living in denial that things will pull through or come right or pretend that they can be worked on and talked out when the interest has died. I also am proud that I gracefully accepted my ex's reason for the break up and quickly bowed out of his life, rather than calling him a player or a user or dragging him through some torturous discussion about when, where, how and why things turned south. This post, being from a flip switcher and a flip switchee, really helped to settle my mind about that break up and set in stone the lessons I've learned. So thank you

[Thieves]

Automatically put this post in my favorites, as it's something solid that I can see myself coming back to time after time. Very good post! And also helped me realize that I may have done the right thing 7 months ago when I wished my 'ex' good luck and sincerely hoped he found happiness, wherever or whomever it would be with, and then bowed out of his life. I just couldn't be on standby as his 'friend', watching him at his best with someone else, as you said. It hurt too much at the moment. There have still been quite a few bumps in the road where I question my decision, but overall your post has helped me realize that I'm not totally crazy/immature for bowing out. Maybe we'll talk again, maybe we won't, but I no longer have much control over that. I was 100% honest with him, he knows where I am and vice versa. Basically, it's just getting myself back into the routine of living life... and fully enjoying it without the pain always interrupting. Haha. Sigh...

[onlyafool]

I also am proud that I gracefully accepted my ex's reason for the break up and quickly bowed out of his life, rather than calling him a player or a user or dragging him through some torturous discussion about when, where, how and why things turned south.

 

No shame in bowing out of an ex's life. You can't move forward, until you move on. You should be proud of yourself for quickly doing so. Others hold out hope for too long.

 

This post, being from a flip switcher and a flip switchee, really helped to settle my mind about that break up and set in stone the lessons I've learned. So thank you

 

Being a former switcher has made me sensitive to the switch being flipped on me. It's both a blessing and a curse.

[onlyafool]

There have still been quite a few bumps in the road where I question my decision

 

Me too thieves, me too. But that's my heart talking. I believe once you breakup with someone, you need to switch to your head. Your head will always be true to you during the coping period.

 

Basically, it's just getting myself back into the routine of living life... and fully enjoying it without the pain always interrupting. Haha. Sigh...

 

That's why you can't just disappear without telling them. Then you leave the door open for them to contact you...which causes you pain all over again.

[IfiKnewThen]

quote: That's why you can't just disappear without telling them. Then you leave the door open for them to contact you...which causes you pain all over again.

 

 

this is so true.... all around.

[Tryin Hard 2 Make It]

Being a former switcher has made me sensitive to the switch being flipped on me. It's both a blessing and a curse.

 

Wow, i had a moment here....

I was always the one who was the flip switcher in most of all my previous relationships. That is until my STBX flipped the the switch on me. I wonder if this is another reason i was hit with so much heartache after my separation with her...

[Rory12345]

onlyafool,

 

This is brilliant, thank you for it. I agree with you on not being friends with ex's, in my mind it just doesn't work like you said!

 

Thank you, again.

 

Cheers,

 

Rory

[onlyafool]

I wonder if this is another reason i was hit with so much heartache after my separation with her...

 

If you were the switcher before, then I would say yes, there is a high probablity that you are struggling more with this separation because she ended it before you. I'm not saying you would have ever end it, mind you. I'm just saying it kinda blows when the tables are turned.

 

Believe me friend, I'm living proof.

[onlyafool]

...in my mind it just doesn't work...

 

And "in my mind", is the only thing that really matters

[Sugarkane]

True sometimes it doesn't work out, but you dont have to be a completely callous dumper like my ex. You don't have to treat the person like **** while you're dumping them.

[onlyafool]

True sometimes it doesn't work out, but you dont have to be a completely callous dumper like my ex. You don't have to treat the person like **** while you're dumping them.

 

All the more reason to say your peace, tell them this is it and get the F out. You'll never get the answer you're looking for, so take what they give you and call it a day.

 

Harsh, I know.

[gothowitz]

I dated this beautiful girl for 6 months and in that time we shared a lot of good times and memories. Things that, no matter how hard we both tried, will never go away. Mushy gushy, butterflies, light-headedness, the whole 9 yards. Never fought or argued, agreed on lots of things, but had enough differences to make things interesting. It was a whirlwind of emotions and good feelings felt on both sides for much longer than either of us had ever experienced in a relationship post our divorces. It felt so right and I never wanted it to end.

 

Then, just as fast as we started, her feelings for me changed and that spark was gone. I'm a pretty intuitive guy and I could sense the change, almost to the day. However, I continued on, trying to not over-think what I was seeing. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to manage my emotions, because that’s my job…not hers. I did ask her on a couple of occasions if everything was alright, to which she replied "I have a lot of stuff going on in my head, but as far as you and I are concerned, things are great". I took her at her word and moved forward. This was about 4 months into the relationship.

 

Sounds almost exactly like my last relationship! Save for the divorce part. Noticing that the other person has become distant but at the same time thinking that maybe it's just the two of you reaching that "comfortable" stage or that maybe you're overanalyzing things. Good times interspersed with uneasy moments that you thought were nothing but "rough patches" that all couples had to go through 'cause they never brought anything up with you. And then the next thing you know, it's over.

[onlyafool]

... that all couples had to go through 'cause they never brought anything up with you. And then the next thing you know, it's over.

 

That's it exactly! There's a fine line between constanly questioning your relationship (to the point of a break up) and pinging your SO every once in a while if something doesn't feel right. The killer is when they say "we're great"...when you really aren't. Making the break and not continuing any kind of relationship with that type of person is in your best interest. Confrontation sux, but sometimes its nice to know where you stand...especially if you feel like its quicksand.

[Frank13]

...I would pick stability, reliability, good-looking, etc any day.

 

Until you get it. Then it becomes boring. That's why nice guys finish last. There are millions of nice guys in the world. They are boring.

[thelovingkind]

Nice and interesting aren't mutually exclusive. I think too many guys make the mistake of thinking girls don't like them because they're "nice", when really girls don't like them because they're whiny, insecure, self-entitled and quietly misogynist. I know nice guys who are in stable relationships, but they don't just coast along hoping their niceness will get them everywhere they need when it comes to love. They are nice but they are also fun, interesting, interested guys who love doing new things and being a little bit daring.

[onlyafool]

They are nice but they are also fun, interesting, interested guys who love doing new things and being a little bit daring.

 

Well heckfire, you pegged me perfectly!

 

Seriously though, that's a good point and it brings my original post full-circle. I am all of those things, at least I'd like to think so. It's a matter of whether the person I got involved with is capable of having a relationship with someone like me. In my instance, I've learned recently that there was fear on her part. Her exhb was all those things I am, but the second a ring was put on her finger everything changed. He became a controlling, manipulative, jealous a-hole and it was years of misery for her. Nothing I can do about that. I could tell her until I'm blue in the face that I wouldn't do that, but in the end...either she believes me or she doesn't.