I hate that my boyfriend is friends with this particular ex. Every other ex is fine..

[beachgirl.]

I don't tell him what to do. He's friends with a few girls he's dated. It's fine. But there's ONE I hate. His first gf. They dated for almost a year in HS. He agreed to marriage and kids although he's against it. He turned down college for her. He'd post on her myspace, professing his love (but doesn't for me), when she dumped him he goes, "my heart is breaking. I love you so much and that will never change unless you want it to. I'll give you space you need but I'll still act like you're my gf. I will keep strong in my faith that you'll come back and I'll be waiting with open arms so we can start the future we want." He cried, put a gun to his head, heavily used drugs and was promiscuous to get over her for two years. It's just ridiculous. It was HIGH SCHOOL. They didn't know what love was.

 

Every girl after didn't mean ****...until me, he says. I hate how he compares us - "I haven't felt like this since Hailey," "I haven't been in love since her." I hate how she's the point of what holds significance. I'm like, "I feel honored that I'm on the same level as her!" When we argue he compares us, "I hate when you hide things from me, Hailey did that," "I hate when you dress skimpy, she did that." He brings her up randomly. We were looking at deodorant and he goes, "Hailey used to wear [so and so brand AND make]", or when I wore a new tunic, "Hailey used to wear things like that." It hurts hearing her name daily. I feel like second best since he couldn't have her. She's pretty but so am I, if not more stunning. They had nothing in common. She tried to change him by pushing her beliefs on him and convinced him of things he was against. He and I have everything in common from our likes/dislikes, to our ideas and opinions. We were best friends before we dated, and he told me he'd never had better chemistry with anyone, and never had conversation like with me. He does say, "that wasn't real love," "you make me the happiest I've been," "my relationship with you is surpassing anything I've ever had," "if you and I had gotten to know each other in high school, Hailey and I would never have happened," and once "I know that I love you more than I loved her." He said I'm an amazing girl who makes every other look like nothing. He fell for me a lot faster than he did her. He's apologized for every girl before me.

 

I feel he treated her better. He had everything to give. He was untainted, unscarred, with no baggage. She took it for granted. I live with it all. He'd do sweet, romantic things like buy her flowers because he was thinking about her, plan a surprise picnic, set up a trail of rose petals to a bed surrounded by candles. He hasn't done ANY of that for me in seven months. He said she didn't appreciate when he did that so he hasn't since then. I hate paying for her sins.

 

He wants to spend his life with me, but I hate that he had those feelings for her, that she got his love before me. I hate being reminded because they text and CALL each other. I don't think she needs to be in his life. She had her chance. He met someone better. I don't talk to my ex. I wouldn't want to hurt my bf or make my ex's new girl feel weird. He says they're just friends. He doesn't miss her, but she's a great friend that he "got back", but it bothers me, especially since she told him, "you were the best bf I ever had, and I never fully got over you." Am I entitled to feel this? I hate being vulnerable and sounding insecure. What should I do?

[whichwayisup]

Dump him. Seriously, break up with him because in his head NOONE can compare to his ex. Fact that he is saying stuff like what you've described is hurtful and he may not see it that way, but it is. Sadly, deep down I think you know he isn't completely over her and you'll always feel second in his heart. He's made you feel that way and it's own doing! What a jerk.

[carhill]

What should I do?

 

Invest in a relationship with a healthy and available man. This one isn't quite there yet. Sorry.

[Ginger Beer]

I know exactly how the OP feels.

[keepsmilin74]

Just parroting what everyone said 7 months being compared to his first love is battering your self esteem. If you've told him straight that it's a problem (and at least given him guidelines how to improve, cos guys are clueless, seriously) and he didn't get it, I'm afraid you do have to move on before he damages you permanently.

[KathyM]

He'll always have feelings for his first love. I don't think there's anything you can do to take that away. You should have a talk with him and let him know that you feel he hasn't put her in his past like he needs to in order to move on to another relationship. Tell him you don't want to have to compete with an old girlfriend, and don't think it's fair to you that he keeps her in his life and in his heart. I would insist he have no contact with her, and that he stop talking about her to you. Tell him he has to choose, because you will not stay in a relationship that has this other person's presence in it. If he chooses you, and I suspect he will, then set the boundaries. No contact with this other girl. No discussing her with you. You don't want to hear about her. Nobody would want that--having to hear about an old girlfriend all the time. I think the relationship may be salvageable if you get his affirmation that you are the one he wants, and then set the boundaries about no contact, and no discussion about his X.

[Eeyore79]

How old is this guy?! By now he really should have learned that it's totally inappropriate to constantly refer to his ex, especially in the presence of his girlfriend. This is a risky relationship - he's obviously still hung up on her, and would probably leave you in a second if she wanted him back.

 

You have two options:

 

1) Run as far away from this emotionally available man as possible, and look for a man who isn't in love with his ex.

 

2) Tell him it's inappropriate to refer to his ex; he needs to leave the past in the past if your relationship is to have a chance. Make it clear that you will leave if he doesn't change his behavior - and if he doesn't change, leave.

 

I would probably do 1), but since you seem to care about him and he says he loves you, maybe you want to give him a chance and do 2). But if he doesn't change, don't hesitate to walk away.

 

ETA: I just noticed you said he's still friends with her! This is a huge risk to your relationship - you need to insist that he cuts contact with her, and if he doesn't, dump him and move on because she's obviously more important to him than you are.

Edited July 14, 2011 by Eeyore79

[Try]

Dump him if you really want him.

 

Once you dump him he will start comparing other girls to you. He wants what he cannot have. If you leave him he will do anything to get you back and will value you more if you take him back. Do not take him back unless he promises never to communicate with her again, and vows never to say her name again.

[KathyM]

Dump him if you really want him.

 

Once you dump him he will start comparing other girls to you. He wants what he cannot have. If you leave him he will do anything to get you back and will value you more if you take him back. Do not take him back unless he promises never to communicate with her again, and vows never to say her name again.

That may work, or it may backfire. It may cause him to seek solice in the arms of his first love, and cause even more contact with the first gf, and bring him back together with her. Or, it may do what you suggested.

[beachgirl.]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond! I finally talked to him about it. He offered to stop talking to her before I even asked. I told him I don't mind them being friends, but it's getting on my nerves how often they talk, and how he always mentions her. He said when they talk, it's small talk or her asking for advice about her relationship and vice versa. He offered to show me his phone and it's records, but I trust him. I may doubt his decisions, but never his sincerity.

 

He said he regrets their entire relationship and wished they'd just stayed friends. He admitted that he will always "love her" as a person, but he was not so much "in love" with HER back then, but with the idea of a girlfriend/relationship/love. He said when he compares us, it's because those were traits he never liked and he hates that I have them too because he knows I'm better than that. But still it bothers me to hear her name, so he said he won't do it anymore and there's nothing she has that he wants romantically anymore. There was a point right before us where they were both single and she wanted him back but he didn't. I still hate how he is so careful with me because of how she hurt him, but he pointed out the double standard - I am guarded around him because I've always feared guys in general. So I guess that's something we both have to work on.

 

I just hate that technically I knew him first. We went to the same school for a year but never talked (because we both were so shy) and as soon as I left, Hailey comes in and pursued him for a year. I hate killing myself over that shoulda/coulda/woulda what if deal, wishing that I could go back to high school with my personality now and talk to him before he knew she ever existed. I hate that missed opportunity when I could've had him and loved him first, without the baggage of her

[avenger]

I think that he has given off a piece of himself to the women that his loved but keep on getting burned.....

He is jaded.....sorry. I think you should let him go.... Even if it would destroy him..... It is a he is not into you and his exes are not into him deal....

Edited July 15, 2011 by avenger

[stace79]

Not only is he not treating you right, he also sounds a little emotionally and mentally unstable. He put a gun to his head? Became highly promiscuious? Did drugs? All to get over a girl?

 

This is the sort of scenario in which I'd worry that if/when you leave him, he may hurt YOU instead of just himself.

 

Do you really want to be with someone so capable of such mental illness? If he hasn't seen a shrink already, he should. Who says he won't behave that way when you end things, or worse, become violent toward you, your family or a future bf of yours?

 

He's nuts.