Boyfriend proposed....then turned jealous!!!!

[KandKsMommy]

What do you guys think???Please be totally honest with me!!!

 

Me and BF just recently got engaged last Friday. Now I knew when we 1st got together he had some jealously issues, but was willing to work with him. He sayes that he has been cheated on before and fears that I will do it too. Before we got engaged it was little petty things...like looking at other guys, him getting all kinds of ideas when I didn't answer my cell phone....now mind you we live together and have for awhile now.

 

Since we got engaged...just a week ago things have changed for the worst. He sneaks around and checks my cell phone messages and who I've called....and then he comes and attacks me accusing me of cheating. He has gone through my receipts and checkbook....and I payed for a co-workers lunch and then she paid me back and he accused me of cheating on him during my lunch.

 

He does admit that he has a problem....and as soon as he calms down he apoligizes on how he acted. I am just so confused....I love him with all my heart and know that we are meant for each other, but then I don't know if I could live like this. I feel that if he loved me he would trust me 100%, but he says that he can't help it.

 

The wedding is already in the making. Why did he propose if this is how he was going to act??? How can he be happy acting like this???

 

Please help!!! It would kill me to end it, but if I can't live with be checked up on for everything I do what is my alternative??? I have 2 small children and gave up quite alot to move in with him. If we were to end it I would be stuck with Rent, utilities, and 2 car payments by myself.

 

Do you think there is hope???

[SoleMate]

I don't know if I could live like this

Only if you want to be miserable. This kind of stuff gets worse, and things go downhill for both of you. Just engagement flipped a switch in him - actual marriage will be 10 times worse. You won't be permitted any friends or outside activities, and you'll spend every night defending and apologizing what you did for during the day. Your kids will learn an ugly pattern of marital partnering. I really see two choices:

 

1) Try to fix it with him, via counselling etc.

2) End it.

 

Whatever you do, I strongly encourage you NOT to get married until you have at least SIX solid months of non-controlling, non-jealous behavior from him. I understand the logistical and financial issues, but hey, those things are just stress, they don't mess with your head like the controlling and the jealousy do. Good luck.

[Aire]

Hi Kandksmommy

 

I agree with Solemate in that you should not get married until he fixes his problem. I see hope for him because he does realize that he has issues with being jealous. He knows that his thoughts are irrational so this is a good sign. Talk to him and let him know how much it hurts you that he acts like this. Tell him you would like to post pone the wedding until the two of you can fix this. It will make him sad but will force him to see how bad this really is and will motivate him to work on it.

 

I believe that people like this can fix themselves. Especially if they realize that they have a problem. He will need lots of reinforcement from you. Constantly assure him how much you love him. Pick up some books from the books store and do some reading so that you can understand what kind of irrational thinking jealous people have. It will help.

 

Good luck to you. I hope everything turns out well in the end.

[Blondeambition]

I would take this situation VERY SERIOUSLY. I was once in a relationship similar to this with what I thought was a great guy, however his jealously turned into physical violence. It started innocent enough, but eventually he had me alienated from all my friends and family. Then the physical and mental abuse started and by that time I felt trapped and felt I had no one to turn to. I can't even begin to explain how awful it was. I agree with Solemate, either get counselling or leave him. Do not marry this man until he has changed. You may feel you are backed in a corner now, but it will only get much worse if let things be the way they are. Be strong and remember that you need to look out for yourself and your children and all of you deserve the very best.