JackTar Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Here it goes... I love my wife (of five years), but I want a divorce. No one has cheated, no one's been a total a-hole, and as of the moment, nobody is angry. This is a really awkward position I'm in, and a complicated one. Admittedly, part of this is my fault. When you're young and relatively naive, a lot of things sound good to you, or at least not objectionable. Later, after you wise up a bit, things tend to look a little different. When we first got married we had a lot in common, we ran in the same social circles, had similar goals, and rarely disagreed. Now, arguing is a lot of what we do. Not about little things (usually), but about really big things, future goals, children (we don't have any yet), even retirement has been fought over (I'm not yet 30). We have different friends now. I don't really like hers and she doesn't even know mine. Anyway, we still love each other but we want very different things. She won't compromise at all, and I'd rather not. I dunno. I'm to the point I just don't really want to try anymore. Maybe I'm rambling here... Point is, I'm not happy and neither is she. After much thought I've come to the conclusion that divorce is probably the best route to take, but I don't want it turning into one of those divorces where both people try to destroy the others' life. I just want it to end without the usual nastiness. Is that even possible? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackTar Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Also, I forgot to mention this, but I'm a little concerned that she might "snap" when I tell her my decision. Not a little, but might require some sort of outside intervention, I considered maybe doing it when she has family in town, do you guys think that might help? Link to post Share on other sites
Kickingmyselfinthe Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I think we all hope that if we do end up in Divorce Court that at the very least we can manage it in an adult manner, in such a way as it is the least traumatic for our kids as it possibly can be. Of course for that to happen there has to be two people who are willing to participate... and emotions often get the better of us...(well, other people, not me) I would advise that you broach the idea carefully..then run away fast...and come back when the storm has calmed and she is rational enough to look at the situation realistically... Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I realise this is not the advice that you asked for but I'm going to put it out there anyway and HOPE that you take it on board. Usually those who come here wanting a divorce are not open to hearing the following, in fact it is the essence of why they are divorcing, but they usually also turn up here about 12 months after divorce full of regret as well, so that is why I am going to say it. Ask yourself, what happens when I meet someone new and we marry and 10 years down the line we have grown and changed and have a different circle of freinds and interests and goals? Second divorce? People change. It's a part of life. Underneath that though you still love this person. You have a choice, you can go to marriage counselling now and try and figure it out, compromise is a part of ALL marriages and you can learn this lesson now or you can divorce and follow the same pattern again and learn it next time. If you take the second option I would just make two additional points, first what makes you think there is someone else for you out there? I have been single 2 years and 5 months now and I've dated two men, neither of which were suitable for VERY good reasons. The dating pool is sparse in your 30s because the decent ones have been snapped up. There are twice as many single men as there are women in your age group and of those women around half already have children from previous relationships. Secondly, you wife has not done anything dreadful to you, she hasn't cheated, she hasn't hit you, she hasn't gambled and got you in debt, she doesn't have an addiction etc etc. Before you make any decisions I would urge you to take the time to read some threads on this forum and just see for yourself what some women WILL do and how they treat their husbands. You may end up with someone like this. Yes, you have problems, yes you both have to learn to bend a bit and to work things out without it turning into a full scale row, but it is achievable and my personal opinion, for what it's worth, you both love each other, it's too presious to throw away. Up to you, hope you took that in the spirit it was intended. Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I agree with willow. After my divorce, the dating pool was horrific. In your early 20s most people don't have serious baggage and there are a lot of options still. In the 30s the options dwindle and most have baggage - divorce, children, massive debt, addictions, and worse. Sometimes there is a reason why someone who is 30 is still single. Like willow said, your wife hasn't done anything awful to you - and in this world, that is saying a lot. I think the 2 of you need to regroup, and you need to be honest with her about your feelings without using the word divorce. Tell her why you married her, and then tell her how you feel you've grown apart and how unhappy you are about it. Have a solution in mind that will work for both of you. I suggest reading and implementing the ideas from His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. It isn't easy (my husband and I have done it), but the results are worth it. My husband gets what he needs from our marriage and I get what I need. You say you don't want to compromise - all marriages require compromise - but you can still have your needs met with effort. If your wife is not willing to compromise after you've explained your needs to her, then you can let her know that the marriage is not going to work for you. I think that is fair. The best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 What steps have the two of you taken to attempt to fix the 'distance' between you? You note that she won't compromise...but the odds are high she doesn't understand how big of a deal you feel this is. Hearing you want to D would likely be that "wake up call" for her to consider compromise. But have you considered/tried/suggested MC? Have you clearly spelled out how unhappy you are with the situation? Spelled out what needs to change, and why? Or spelled out your feeling that you'd both be better off divorced? I don't see any 'problem' with divorcing. But it makes a lot of sense to try to fix things first...if they are fixable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackTar Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Thank you all for your responses... I had considered MC, but I do not believe it would be successful. She has made it clear that on most of these issues, compromise is not an option. The most concerning issue for me is children. She wants them, I do not. When we got married I was fine with the idea, but after five years, I do not believe she can handle the realities of having kids. She is in love with the idea of having children and being a stay at home mom, but she doesn't (can't) cook (and doesn't want to learn, which is fine, I like to cook), doesn't clean (I take care of these things), and frankly doesn't have the patience to deal with children for more than a few hours at a time (she has a very short temper and some serious anger issues). Added to this she is a very social person and refuses to give up her "friend time" which is usually at least two nights a week. Which is fine now, she works hard and deserves some play time, but what about when she can't? I've asked her this and she really has no answer. Simply put, I will not be the primary caretaker and primary source of income. Regarding willow and Mauschen's response, I certainly appreciate the input, but I don't think I'd be open to the idea of marriage again, or even dating, at least for a long while. Also, I'd have to say that our love has changed significantly over the last few years to more of a platonic love, like I'd associate with my closest friends, which is well and good, but that seems to be all there is. And for me, it isn't enough. JackTar Edited July 14, 2011 by JackTar Link to post Share on other sites
Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 JackTar, seems like you and i have somewhat of a similar situation. I am in my late 30s and my STBX is just turned 31. My STBX is a very beautiful woman but we grew apart and over the years i felt more like roommates than husband and wife. Sex was gone on her part whereas i wanted it everyday... to have sex, not make love. We have a young child and i had been contemplating leaving her prior to our separation. Instead of me telling her i wanted out she told me. This was late April 2011. I thought it would be easy for me since i felt i didnt really like her anymore and was ready to move on... Boy, was i wrong. This has been the single most painful thing i have ever felt in my life. I would not wish this pain on anyone...EVER! I had always told my friends and family i wanted out over the years but never left because i felt our love would grow again and also because we had a child i wanted to be a family with a house and a pool in the backyard. Now, I know where i messed up and i did not fix these issues and thats why we are separating. Could of, would of, should of....it doesnt matter. Yes the single pool may be scarce but i am not bothered by it. I will finally begin to live my life again and i will live it to the fullest. If there is a female out there worthy of my time so be it *but* that will not interfere with my intentions to do what i want and when i want. Life is too short and i need to make the best of it while i am alive. I have done more reading on this website in the past 2 months than any other website out there and i have acquired more useful knowledge here than anywhere else. I think it was Gunny376 who said "Start Living or Start dying" and i plan on following a lot of Gunny376's Advice... I may be all over the place with my post but you understand Good Luck with your final decision... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackTar Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 I hear ya man, especially about feeling like roommates. I'd actually thought that very thing a while back... Sex just the opposite with us, she wants it, and I'm just not that interested anymore. The sex hasn't been that great for a while, maybe that's why, i dunno. When we first started sleeping together the sex was awesome. Not good, not great, but mind blowingly hot sex. And for the last couple of years it's been mostly, well, bleh. JackTar Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackTar Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Well, here it is, fives days later, and I still haven't done anything but sit on my thoughts. I try to act normally, but I'm preoccupied with "What if?" Sometimes I wonder if my wife has any clue what's going on. She must, or at least I think she must. I'll keep writing as thing's progress. P.S. Those you you who've gone through this, how did you solve situations involving pets? Right now it's the only thing I can think of that would put us in front of a judge rather than filing uncontested. Thanks - JackTar Link to post Share on other sites
kino411 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Lot's of good advice here. To expand on what everyone has said, especially Owl, you need to communicate your feelings with her. Don't let it continue to fester. That's poisonous. Let it out, the two of you will deal with it. It will either lead to divorce, or reconciliation. I've gone through a similar thing, but came to a different outcome than Tryin did. I felt like the relationship had become rather dull. She didn't really want to do anything. She had been pursuing various degrees throughout our marriage, but kept changing what she wanted to do with her life. She was a very good mother though, and was willing to cook and clean while I was providing the "breadwinner" role. But the sex was almost non-existent, and when I could get her to do it, it wasn't very exciting. I would get about the same out of masturbation. Well, the fighting was getting worse, and more frequent, and I was seriously considering ending it with divorce. The main thing that kept me around was the fact that I still cared about her and I wanted to be with my son. I felt like if we got divorced, she wouldn't be able to take care of him on her own. When I broached the subject with her though, she did a total 180. I thought she was thinking along the same lines as me, but she didn't want to separate (or a divorce) at all. When I did finally talk to her about it, she didn't realize how bad it had gotten from my perspective. We started to really talk more and more about the issues that we had with each other. We didn't even need to use a MC, but we were probably pretty lucky to be able to communicate so openly with each other. Since then, my wife has even commented on how the spark has been rekindled in our relationship. That it has felt like how it was when we were first married (we are going on 12 years now). I'm 32, so simple math shows that we got married at a young age. We did grow apart, but through some careful work on both our parts we were able to grow back together. That doesn't always happen. But it is possible. Open the lines of communication. If she knew what was on the line, she may be more willing to compromise than you think. If she isn't, then you can't force her and you have to decide if you aren't willing to compromise more rather than end it. If you end it, then good luck to you. I can't really offer any advice on that front. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 have either one of you had or are having either an emotional affair or physical affair? do you have your mind on another gal and connected to anyone else besides your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackTar Posted July 24, 2011 Author Share Posted July 24, 2011 No, to my knowledge no one's cheating. I can't say that I've met (or had my mind on) anyone either. Why do you ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackTar Posted July 24, 2011 Author Share Posted July 24, 2011 (edited) I forgot to mention it, but my wife does have what I consider to be a strange relationship with her best friend. I've had a lot of female friends (some of whom were very close, though were not gf's) and I still find it peculiar how close the two are. My friends have even taken notice, and I've never said anything to them about it. JackTar Edited July 24, 2011 by JackTar Link to post Share on other sites
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