Men that want to date broken women...

[D-Lish]

They probably just don't want to see a girl crying. That's all.

 

No, that's not it, believe me!

 

I have a male friend that met her on Sunday, the day she got dumped! She was in tears the entire time talking about how much she loves her ex. She left the table and he turned to me and said "I'm really into your friend"... I was so pissed off at him. He is also 37, recently divorced with 2 kids- and this girl is 24- literally half an hour out of being dumped and he's coming on to her while she's crying.

 

Since Sunday he's been texting her 20 times a day saying lovey-dovey things, asking her to come over and cuddle- suggesting a road trip, all this weird sh#t. She is so freaked out by him and I had to tell him to back the hell off on her behalf because he was scaring her.

 

Last night, I had her over and she came with an older male friend she works with (he's 42) and a guy she went to college with.... And here we go again- she's crying, and both are telling her they are interested in dating her!! I'm sitting there watching this and thinking to myself- wow... it just doesn't seem right to me.

 

As I said before- she's very average looking- and very, very naive. I am worried she is going to get taken advantage of. She's never been alone- she's had a bf since she was 16... No more than a week break in between meeting a new guy. I've been trying to encourage her to stay single and get to know herself.

[Mr. Savage]

Is she liking this attention? Why is she hanging out with these men only to become a bubbling sob in front of them? You think she would just want some alone time to deal with these emotions.

[D-Lish]

Is she liking this attention? Why is she hanging out with these men only to become a bubbling sob in front of them? You think she would just want some alone time to deal with these emotions.

 

She can't be alone- that's part of the problem.

 

Our parents are close friends- and she just moved downtown for a job- so I am the only one she knows besides her co-workers and this college friend that has just moved downtown as well. The 42 year old guy is someone she went to school with and they both got jobs at the same company- so they work together.

 

My biggest fear is that she's going to jump into the next relationship quickly.

 

She was with a guy for 5 years, they were engaged, he ended it, and she met her last ex ONE WEEK afterward. The problem is that she cried about her ex fiance' to her new bf for the year they were dating. Her wedding day to the former ex was supposed to be last Saturday- so she asked her bf at the time to spend the day with her because she needed comfort- because it was going to be a tough day for her...

 

I've been telling her all along that talking about her ex in front of the new bf is a horrible thing to do- but she doesn't get it. When I say she's a young 24- she really is a VERY young 24. I put her emotional maturity at about 18.

 

I'm getting frustrated though- I give her advice, she doesn't take it- then she comes back crying and saying "you were right". That's been our relationship all along (I'm like a big sister)- I give her advice, she goes against it, ends up getting hurt- but repeats the same mistakes over and over.

 

I don't know how you help someone like this.

[Mr. Savage]

My ex was simillar. She DWELLED on the worst aspects of her life to a point of unhealthiness. Definately a form of depression. She was stubborn and would not take any advice.

 

You have to be there for someone in this situation but you also have to be a little strict with them. If you are just a shoulder to cry on even when you TRY to help what good is that doing for the both of you?

 

You need to help her move on with her life and if she refuses you need to tell her she needs professional help for her emotions.

[wheream_i]

White Knight Syndrome. Predatory. Easy lay. Probably all the above. Personally, not my thing. I can't think of anything more boring than hearing some sob story about how her ex left her just to get her in bed. I definitely enjoy the hunt but I'm more interested in chasing down something that's sobbing at every last thought of her ex.

[D-Lish]

My ex was simillar. She DWELLED on the worst aspects of her life to a point of unhealthiness. Definately a form of depression. She was stubborn and would not take any advice.

 

You have to be there for someone in this situation but you also have to be a little strict with them. If you are just a shoulder to cry on even when you TRY to help what good is that doing for the both of you?

 

You need to help her move on with her life and if she refuses you need to tell her she needs professional help for her emotions.

 

I am pretty strict with my advice- always straight up. I don't coddle her like her parents always have.

 

I allow her to grieve because she needs that- but I will give her the harsh truth 100% of the time. No one else has ever done this in her life.

 

She's an only child, spoiled, coddled by her parents.

 

I am still pissed about this coming on to a broken woman thing.

 

Even last night- sad girl said to her 42 year old friend "what about you and D-lish?" You know what he said? "D's hot, but she'd be too much of a challenge".

 

What does that mean? I'm straight up, I say what is on my mind- and I don't put up with BS ... That's a negative thing?

 

I don't get guys.

[carhill]

If she continues along this path, she'll end up a soul-sucker that most healthy men will avoid. Sure, some less savory ones will play her and bang her if they can, but the quality men won't deal with this 'stuff'. At that age, women like her were attractive to me simply because of a dearth of available single females. That was/is unique to my geographical area and socio-economic circle. However, note that she's 'never been alone' and was 'taken' almost immediately after each relationship ending. This has been my experience as well, hence that theory about women being single for ten seconds or less. For example, on Monday I overheard my bmf being told on the phone about a couple in our social circle 'breaking up' after 23 years of marriage. That woman, unless she purposely avoids men and relationships, will be taken by next weekend. That's just how it works around here. A man has to start hanging around mortuaries and cemeteries

 

Since she's young, she likely wouldn't pursue professional help for her 'being alone' fears, so just be a good friend and steer her towards friend-time with you and others and keep the men at bay for a few weeks. It'll work out.

 

Even last night- sad girl said to her 42 year old friend "what about you and D-lish?" You know what he said? "D's hot, but she'd be too much of a challenge".

 

What does that mean? I'm straight up, I say what is on my mind- and I don't put up with BS ... That's a negative thing?

That's easy. You're healthy, have clear boundaries and are not 'easy' to mold. A broken woman is more easily molded by a dominant male. I noted the same thing, in reverse, when I was 'broken'. Women took advantage more simply because they could. Edited July 15, 2011 by carhill

[musemaj11]

I have a gf that has just been dumped- she's not beautiful, she's average- and very naive.

 

I've been bringing her out a lot lately because she's in a bad place.

 

She cries and laments about her ex constantly- but my male friends want to swoop in and take advantage

 

It seems like the more she cries= the more men swoop in and try and get in there.

 

I don't get what men see in a broken women.

 

She was sitting with me tonight bawling her eyes out at a pub- and guys were coming on strong to her.

 

Predatory?

Its the male instinct to come to the rescue of the damsel in distress.

 

Personally though I feel turned off by weepy women. I like women with strong character.

[D-Lish]

If she continues along this path, she'll end up a soul-sucker that most healthy men will avoid. Sure, some less savory ones will play her and bang her if they can, but the quality men won't deal with this 'stuff'. At that age, women like her were attractive to me simply because of a dearth of available single females. That was/is unique to my geographical area and socio-economic circle. However, note that she's 'never been alone' and was 'taken' almost immediately after each relationship ending. This has been my experience as well, hence that theory about women being single for ten seconds or less. For example, on Monday I overheard my bmf being told on the phone about a couple in our social circle 'breaking up' after 23 years of marriage. That woman, unless she purposely avoids men and relationships, will be taken by next weekend. That's just how it works around here. A man has to start hanging around mortuaries and cemeteries

 

Since she's young, she likely wouldn't pursue professional help for her 'being alone' fears, so just be a good friend and steer her towards friend-time with you and others and keep the men at bay for a few weeks. It'll work out.

 

That's easy. You're healthy, have clear boundaries and are not 'easy' to mold. A broken woman is more easily molded by a dominant male. I noted the same thing, in reverse, when I was 'broken'. Women took advantage more simply because they could.

 

Thanks carhill, you always have great insight.

 

I have to admit witnessing these guys come on to her- when I am sitting right there - I've got my sh*t together, I'm intelligent, pretty hilarious (I have to say:laugh:)- I'm compassionate, a really good listener... But they are both focusing on the broken girl.

 

This guy literally said in front of me that he thinks I'm beautiful- but I'd be too much of a challenge to date. He'd rather go after the broken girl I guess.

 

I am trying my best to protect her- she just never listens to me. She hears me- but she goes and does what she wants to regardless. Maybe I am as guilty as the guys hitting on her- we all want to "fix her".

[Els]

D, I'm sorry, but your posts, especially the most recent one, seem to be giving off a strong, 'I think I'm better than her, why are they interested in her and not me?!' vibe. Basically, jealousy. She's your friend, yet you have said not one positive thing about her here, but all negative. Broken, spoilt, sad, naive. Why are you even her friend to begin with if she's so bad?

 

There are tons of reasons a person could be interested in another. White Knight and predator syndrome are possible, yes. But I'm sure she has other positive aspects that you're ignoring, while you only mention 'she's average-looking'. Perhaps they see those aspects that you don't, or that you don't mention here.

[carhill]

I get the sense that D sees her friend like a daughter or younger sister and, as those dynamics usually go, the 'older' and 'more experienced' person does project an air of their confidence and experience, which can be perceived as the younger person being 'lesser'.

 

One area she could reflect upon is the foundations for the friendship and how they impact the health of it during this time. Friendships, IMO, are reflections of healthy synergy and equality where, even if superficial aspects of the friendship seem markedly dissimilar (looks and socio-economics might be examples), there is equality and mutual love and respect over the aspects of friendship which bring the friends together and keep them there. That could be synergistic personalities, shared interests, similar philosophies of life, etc, etc.

 

Perhaps, if she is truly a friend, rather than looking at it as 'fixing' her, provide loving support and a healthy example for her to interact with and trust that she will find value in that example because of the bonds of friendship. I mention this because I do note this dynamic with my long-time male friends, in that we do influence each other with the examples we show by being our natural selves.

 

Another avenue is to build relationships with married couples who have healthy M's, if not already done, and expose her to a different kind of man than one who hits on broken women; men who are generous and loving without looking for sexual/romantic remuneration since they are already committed. Many potentials.

[D-Lish]

D, I'm sorry, but your posts, especially the most recent one, seem to be giving off a strong, 'I think I'm better than her, why are they interested in her and not me?!' vibe. Basically, jealousy. She's your friend, yet you have said not one positive thing about her here, but all negative. Broken, spoilt, sad, naive. Why are you even her friend to begin with if she's so bad?

 

There are tons of reasons a person could be interested in another. White Knight and predator syndrome are possible, yes. But I'm sure she has other positive aspects that you're ignoring, while you only mention 'she's average-looking'. Perhaps they see those aspects that you don't, or that you don't mention here.

 

You're not getting it. I've been protecting her for most of my relationship with her. I go out of my way for her all the time because i care about her so much.

 

I WANT to help to fix her. I want to help her to develop into a strong woman that doesn't need a man to complete herself.

 

I'm not jealous of her in the least bit- I see her as a little sister that I want to protect and nurture- and I do that- pretty much daily.

 

She has good qualities- she's just naive, and it's frustrating to have a friend that makes mistakes over and over.

 

I think you're mistaking my frustration with her choices for jealousy. I am upset with her right now because she is making so many bad choices- things that include calling and begging her ex to come back to her after he cheated on her constantly and dumped her.

 

I spend countless hours talking her out of calling/texting her ex to come back to her. I've been a VERY supportive and active friend throughout this.

 

But you know what? I can't deny that I can't help but wonder why I am healthy, fun, attractive, intelligent- and I don't get approached by men- or they prefer to go for the broken girl. I won't deny that perplexes me- even eats at my self esteem.

 

There is no jealousy- only frustration because SHE IS a good person, and she makes bad choices- and I don't know how to help- but I want to.

 

Believe what you want. I wouldn't spend so much time consoling someone I was jealous of.

[Els]

 

I have to admit witnessing these guys come on to her- when I am sitting right there - I've got my sh*t together, I'm intelligent, pretty hilarious (I have to say:laugh:)- I'm compassionate, a really good listener... But they are both focusing on the broken girl.

 

This guy literally said in front of me that he thinks I'm beautiful- but I'd be too much of a challenge to date. He'd rather go after the broken girl I guess.

 

 

I am still pissed about this coming on to a broken woman thing.

 

Even last night- sad girl said to her 42 year old friend "what about you and D-lish?" You know what he said? "D's hot, but she'd be too much of a challenge".

 

What does that mean? I'm straight up, I say what is on my mind- and I don't put up with BS ... That's a negative thing?

 

I don't get guys.

 

These are the reasons I'm led to believe jealousy is a huge motivator here. I don't disbelieve that you genuinely want to fix her. I suspect it's both. The jealousy is unhealthy though. You can't seem to see her as anything other than 'broken'. Several times you have already compared yourself to her and asked, 'Why are they going after broken girl instead?'. There could be several reasons, some good and some bad, but you can't ever seem to accept that they just might like her for positive qualities that she has and you don't. In your mind, you are definitely, irrevocably, 'the better one'. That is not a good attitude to have.

Edited July 15, 2011 by Elswyth

[D-Lish]

I get the sense that D sees her friend like a daughter or younger sister and, as those dynamics usually go, the 'older' and 'more experienced' person does project an air of their confidence and experience, which can be perceived as the younger person being 'lesser'.

 

One area she could reflect upon is the foundations for the friendship and how they impact the health of it during this time. Friendships, IMO, are reflections of healthy synergy and equality where, even if superficial aspects of the friendship seem markedly dissimilar (looks and socio-economics might be examples), there is equality and mutual love and respect over the aspects of friendship which bring the friends together and keep them there. That could be synergistic personalities, shared interests, similar philosophies of life, etc, etc.

 

Perhaps, if she is truly a friend, rather than looking at it as 'fixing' her, provide loving support and a healthy example for her to interact with and trust that she will find value in that example because of the bonds of friendship. I mention this because I do note this dynamic with my long-time male friends, in that we do influence each other with the examples we show by being our natural selves.

 

Another avenue is to build relationships with married couples who have healthy M's, if not already done, and expose her to a different kind of man than one who hits on broken women; men who are generous and loving without looking for sexual/romantic remuneration since they are already committed. Many potentials.

 

Carhill, I have assured her parents that I will look after her with her move to the big city- and that's what I am doing. I have known her since she was 14. I will continue to go out of my way for her to help her through this tough time.

 

I really am frustrated though. She'll call me and say- "I need to call "M", I'm freaking out and I want to beg him to come back to me"... I will spend a long time consoling her and convincing her why it's a bad idea- then she'll show up at my work or my doorstep later telling me she did contact him and she's even more devastated and she sould have listened to me.

 

I deal with this constantly- and I am frustrated. I don't know what else to do to help her.

 

Yes, it bothers me that I have my crap together and I don't get approached- I won't deny that. But I am not jealous of her in the least bit.

 

She has great qualities- she just doesn't see them, and she doesn't respect herself enough to demand better for herself- THAT is what I am trying to help her with.

 

I think I am at that point where I am just mad that I am doing all this consoling and putting so much time and energy into helping her, and she isn't listening.

 

It does send me into major protective mode when I see guys making moves on this girl when she's clearly broken at the moment.

[OldOnTheInside]

D, have you suggested counselling or therapy? What she needs is somebody to listen to her.

 

It sounds severe I know but I think that at this point, her problems will inevitably destroy your friendship. What you are doing now is basically unsustainable.

 

But you know what? I can't deny that I can't help but wonder why I am healthy, fun, attractive, intelligent- and I don't get approached by men- or they prefer to go for the broken girl. I won't deny that perplexes me- even eats at my self esteem.

It's easier to dominate a broken bird. Even the white knight types are subconsciously placing themselves in a position of power over her.

 

That's what we're into apparently.

[2sunny]

i don't see it as jealousy.

 

if it were me - i'd set a healthy boundary for myself = give her ten minutes of your time either once or twice a day. this kind of negative energy can feel like it sucks anything positive you may have to offer. i find it better to step in and quickly step out of it.

 

so, if it were me, i'd listen to her for a few minutes - repeat back what she says "what i heard you say was..." then offer a simple and straight forward solution.

 

or ask her what she would normally do - then point out that contrary action is the best way to get a new result. she should be doing everything opposite of what she did to get in this unhappy place. that way she has better odds of getting a happy result... or at least changing things up.

[D-Lish]

i don't see it as jealousy.

 

if it were me - i'd set a healthy boundary for myself = give her ten minutes of your time either once or twice a day. this kind of negative energy can feel like it sucks anything positive you may have to offer. i find it better to step in and quickly step out of it.

 

so, if it were me, i'd listen to her for a few minutes - repeat back what she says "what i heard you say was..." then offer a simple and straight forward solution.

 

or ask her what she would normally do - then point out that contrary action is the best way to get a new result. she should be doing everything opposite of what she did to get in this unhappy place. that way she has better odds of getting a happy result... or at least changing things up.

 

Yep, I've been doing that with her.

She lives close to me, and to be honest, i don't mind her company at all. I'm alone in the big city myself.

 

I didn't mean to sound harsh saying she's average looking- I think I am at the end of my rope trying to help her when she doesn't ever listen to me. And I give her so much of my time.

 

I don't think it's a white Knight syndrome with these dudes- I see it as being more predatory. Especially when these guys are in their 30's and early 40's and she's 24.

[2sunny]

if you enjoy her as a person - you may have to be blunt and tell her since she never takes your advice anyway - you prefer to never talk about him/that situation again.

 

tell her you'd like to move forward and enjoy her company and do fun things together. take a class, jog, get out a bit together - but the breakup is off limits.

 

 

or you can point her to post on a relationship forum...

[D-Lish]

if you enjoy her as a person - you may have to be blunt and tell her since she never takes your advice anyway - you prefer to never talk about him/that situation again.

 

tell her you'd like to move forward and enjoy her company and do fun things together. take a class, jog, get out a bit together - but the breakup is off limits.

 

 

or you can point her to post on a relationship forum...

 

I gave her the link to LS, lol.

 

I've told her how much it's helped me.

 

We shop and do thing together- But I am at that point where if she's going to beg her cheating bf to come back to her- that I can't support her anymore.

[Eddie Edirol]

D, all you can do at this point is nothing. hang out with her, just dont let her vent so much about the same crap. You tell her, let me know when youre ready to fix the situation. Then you let her make her mistakes. if you dont TRY to help her, she will eventually ask for help, again. Each time you say the same thing youve always told her. Just back off with helping her. hang out, let her hit rock bottom, she has to. When she has you giving so much of yourself to help, and guys falling at her feet, she has nothing to want for except the thing that doesnt want her. So you gotta take the help away. She will listen when she WANTS to, not when you want her to. It might take another few months of her ex smashing her face to learn that she has to cut him off, but she will cut him off when shes ready to learn. You dont have to listen to her talk about him if you dont want to. matter of fact, if you make that boundary, it will make her make some critical choices.

[D-Lish]

D, all you can do at this point is nothing. hang out with her, just dont let her vent so much about the same crap. You tell her, let me know when youre ready to fix the situation. Then you let her make her mistakes. if you dont TRY to help her, she will eventually ask for help, again. Each time you say the same thing youve always told her. Just back off with helping her. hang out, let her hit rock bottom, she has to. When she has you giving so much of yourself to help, and guys falling at her feet, she has nothing to want for except the thing that doesnt want her. So you gotta take the help away. She will listen when she WANTS to, not when you want her to. It might take another few months of her ex smashing her face to learn that she has to cut him off, but she will cut him off when shes ready to learn. You dont have to listen to her talk about him if you dont want to. matter of fact, if you make that boundary, it will make her make some critical choices.

 

That's good advice actually. it's also starting to drain me a little. I'm still sad about my exBf, work is super stressful, and I just found out my dog is sick- but she's never asked me about any of that stuff, lol.

 

But she's 24, an only child, and she's been coddled her entire life.

 

We're going to go to the beach Sunday and I'm going to bring a few girls I work with that are closer to her age- which may help her build a social group.

 

I cut ties with my 37 year old friend that came on to her. I was really disappointed in how he handled things. You don't start pursuing a girl 15 minutes after her break up when she's bawling her eyes out. I had to tell him on her behalf to get lost- because he was getting borderline stalkerish with her.

 

This beach date on Sunday is going to be all girls, lol.

[Dazdnconfuzed]

Hey D,

 

You posted on one of my very first postings here back in Feb/March. This girl you are describing is very much like the one you are giving me advice about.

 

She does need you but she also needs to want help and seek it from a professional. I was the first one to get this girl flowers, hold her hand in public, closer to her age, she is 23 I am 29 yet she always puts our relationship to the wayside for 40 year old men. When I try to tell her that they are using her vulnerability against her she yells at me telling me that I am playing an angle.

 

Since 16 she has always had a man exactly after every break up just like your friend. She is also a single mom at the age. I tried stepping back from pursuing a relationship to just be her friend because a healthy relationship isnt possible but it is draining to help them just like you said.

 

Spoke to a friend who is a psych doctor at the military, they are afraid to face themselves and reality because the pain is way to great and thus will always have to make some psuedo connection to the next new person that will understand them best (so they think). She is now dating a 41 year old steroid freak and wont even look at me lol.

 

This cycle from what I understand will keep on repeating as it has but the only person that can repair it is the person suffering from it.

[D-Lish]

Hey D,

 

You posted on one of my very first postings here back in Feb/March. This girl you are describing is very much like the one you are giving me advice about.

 

She does need you but she also needs to want help and seek it from a professional. I was the first one to get this girl flowers, hold her hand in public, closer to her age, she is 23 I am 29 yet she always puts our relationship to the wayside for 40 year old men. When I try to tell her that they are using her vulnerability against her she yells at me telling me that I am playing an angle.

 

Since 16 she has always had a man exactly after every break up just like your friend. She is also a single mom at the age. I tried stepping back from pursuing a relationship to just be her friend because a healthy relationship isnt possible but it is draining to help them just like you said.

 

Spoke to a friend who is a psych doctor at the military, they are afraid to face themselves and reality because the pain is way to great and thus will always have to make some psuedo connection to the next new person that will understand them best (so they think). She is now dating a 41 year old steroid freak and wont even look at me lol.

 

This cycle from what I understand will keep on repeating as it has but the only person that can repair it is the person suffering from it.

 

Yes, it is draining, and frustrating to try and help someone that just keeps making the same mistakes over and over.

 

She's already been on a couple of dates with a guy from POF! The cycle is about to repeat itself again

 

 

If she has any hobbies, she'd probably find less of "predators" over there.

 

I am so angry at my male friend for making the moves on her seconds after she'd been broken up with. I was appalled by his behaviour actually. The girl is bawling her eyes out and he's trying to put the moves on her! That was the first time he met her as well- so the only reference he has is her bawling.

 

I ended my friendship with him over this! He didn't get that his behaviour was inappropriate- and he scared her with the amount of texts he sent, not to mention the content. She let me read them and I was furious!

[carhill]

I'm in no way defending the male friend, but I will state, as a man, that men do such things because they have been successful doing them. Men are very pragmatic. Even men we like to call 'pigs'. What usually happens is the 'respectful and mature' guys take note of the situation and leave the lady to her healing and essentially are invisible, where the men like your friend, while perhaps 'piggish', take a risk of being both rejected and shunned with the reward being potentially whatever goal they seek, whether it be someone they find attractive hooking up with them, or a ONS/FWB, or whatever. They live within themselves and draw attention to themselves, which is the opposite of invisible. They succeed enough with this style that pragmatism impels them to repeat it.

 

I've actually seen this in practice personally with a MW who approached me during a particularly 'broken' period recently, someone I've known throughout my prior M, since my exW and I divorced.

 

I sympathize with the lady in question, and must do it invisibly, as that is how the world works. She'll heal and it will get better.

[D-Lish]

I'm in no way defending the male friend, but I will state, as a man, that men do such things because they have been successful doing them. Men are very pragmatic. Even men we like to call 'pigs'. What usually happens is the 'respectful and mature' guys take note of the situation and leave the lady to her healing and essentially are invisible, where the men like your friend, while perhaps 'piggish', take a risk of being both rejected and shunned with the reward being potentially whatever goal they seek, whether it be someone they find attractive hooking up with them, or a ONS/FWB, or whatever. They live within themselves and draw attention to themselves, which is the opposite of invisible. They succeed enough with this style that pragmatism impels them to repeat it.

 

I've actually seen this in practice personally with a MW who approached me during a particularly 'broken' period recently, someone I've known throughout my prior M, since my exW and I divorced.

 

I sympathize with the lady in question, and must do it invisibly, as that is how the world works. She'll heal and it will get better.

 

I do know that this kind of practice is common- some men will jump on vulnerability. My male friend really did get creepy with her.

 

She was actually good today- she met me at my work and we walked home together (we live and work close). She actually asked me how I was doing and let me vent about missing my ex, my dogs being sick, and the stress of my job. So maybe I am having a positive influence on her.

 

She told me that she's always viewed me as strong and confident, and that I just always act like I am okay. It's true, I grieve alone, in private- I prefer to lament on LS where it's safe. I'm a good actress- I present like I am confident and happy - Did I mention I am a good actress?

 

The thing is, since most people tell me I present this way- why is it that I rarely get approached? I'm the one that makes everyone laugh, and I do present as confident initially (at least for 3 months, lol). I'm not hard on the eyes- so why is it that I rarely get approached?