Men that want to date broken women...

[D-Lish]

Maybe that's it -- we like to nurture. We attract men who know we will nurture them, not judge, and forgive and accept them for their faults. But it just comes at our expense. We end up giving too much, and not receiving what we want.

 

What I really want, is a relationship with a man (who is flawed or not) that will accept that I'm a bit flawed, and be okay with that.

 

I don't know if men like that exist.

[pandagirl]

What I really want, is a relationship with a man (who is flawed or not) that will accept that I'm a bit flawed, and be okay with that.

 

I don't know if men like that exist.

 

I think that's what we all want: someone who loves us despite our flaws.

 

Of course men like that exist. I think we've just been falling for the wrong ones. Despite our flaws, D, I know we are both very strong women. I can't say the same for our ex's -- they were weak, and depended on us to be "perfect" so they could feel like they were strong.

[D-Lish]

I think that's what we all want: someone who loves us despite our flaws.

 

Of course men like that exist. I think we've just been falling for the wrong ones. Despite our flaws, D, I know we are both very strong women. I can't say the same for our ex's -- they were weak, and depended on us to be "perfect" so they could feel like they were strong.

 

You're right.

I'm at that point where I am incredibly lonely, but I won't compromise.

I want someone in my life that is right for me.

 

It took 6 years to find someone with this last guy- I don't want to wait another 6 years, but I won't date someone that isn't right for me either.

 

The whole past 40, divorced situation sucks.

[Nexus One]

What I really want, is a relationship with a man (who is flawed or not) that will accept that I'm a bit flawed, and be okay with that.

 

I don't know if men like that exist.

 

They exist. Could you explain what you mean with 'flawed' though?

 

Also I was wondering about something Di-Lish. But perhaps this is a hard question for you to answer in more ways than one, but perhaps it might lead to some insight in your favor, so here it goes anyway.

 

Throughout your threads you seem to come across like very much a sane and careful person when it comes to relationships, dating etc. I mean that in a positive way. How then was it possible that you picked a boyfriend(your ex) that left you when you had it tough, when you were hurting. I never understood from your posts how that could happen. There seemed a disconnect between your carefulness and insight and the fact that you had picked a boyfriend that just left you in one of the hardest periods of your life.

 

I don't mean this as a critique, but as a genuine question. Because if you in retrospect realize you missed something that you should have picked up on, some red flag or something, then perhaps you could prevent getting into a relationship with a guy like that in the future.

 

Also lately, and I don't know why, perhaps I do it to better understand women, I have been looking at the behavior of men from the standpoint of women. And let me tell you, you women have it hard. If you're a woman looking for a genuine and loving relationship then you have to filter through a lot of sh*tty guys and I imagine it is very tempting to just be lazy and go with the flow and ignore the red flags. And it's possible that that, is a fundamental difference between you and your friend D-Lish. You filter, she doesn't. You do it because you're disciplined and principled and perhaps your friend is too lazy to filter and be disciplined, because lets be honest, initially it's always easier to go with the flow, but in the end the hurt tends to be greater.

[carhill]

The whole past 40, divorced situation sucks.

 

Tell me about it, sistah....

[D-Lish]

They exist. Could you explain what you mean with 'flawed' though?

 

Also I was wondering about something Di-Lish. But perhaps this is a hard question for you to answer in more ways than one, but perhaps it might lead to some insight in your favor, so here it goes anyway.

 

Throughout your threads you seem to come across like very much a sane and careful person when it comes to relationships, dating etc. I mean that in a positive way. How then was it possible that you picked a boyfriend(your ex) that left you when you had it tough, when you were hurting. I never understood from your posts how that could happen. There seemed a disconnect between your carefulness and insight and the fact that you had picked a boyfriend that just left you in one of the hardest periods of your life.

 

I don't mean this as a critique, but as a genuine question. Because if you in retrospect realize you missed something that you should have picked up on, some red flag or something, then perhaps you could prevent getting into a relationship with a guy like that in the future.

 

Also lately, and I don't know why, perhaps I do it to better understand women, I have been looking at the behavior of men from the standpoint of women. And let me tell you, you women have it hard. If you're a woman looking for a genuine and loving relationship then you have to filter through a lot of sh*tty guys and I imagine it is very tempting to just be lazy and go with the flow and ignore the red flags. And it's possible that that, is a fundamental difference between you and your friend D-Lish. You filter, she doesn't. You do it because you're disciplined and principled and perhaps your friend is too lazy to filter and be disciplined, because lets be honest, initially it's always easier to go with the flow, but in the end the hurt tends to be greater.

 

Flawed? I'm insecure. But I will portray as confident initially. If you met me for the first time you would think I am the most confident person you've ever met. It's acting.

[Nexus One]

Flawed? I'm insecure. But I will portray as confident initially. If you met me for the first time you would think I am the most confident person you've ever met. It's acting.

 

That's hardly a flaw if one at all I would say. Lots of people do this and have success with it. A guy can't hold that against you, as you like anyone else in life is trying to get ahead. Are you sure you're not being too hard on yourself?

Edited August 1, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

That's hardly a flaw if one at all I would say. Lots of people do this and have success with it. A guy can't hold that against you, as you like anyone else in life is trying to get ahead. Are you sure you're not being too hard on yourself?

 

I'll always be hard on myself, that's probably a part of the problem.

 

Everything you said previously has an answer I am anxious to give- I just have to drive a friend to the airport early.

 

Here is my problem- I present as confident- but on the inside I am needy.

Men are always attracted to my acting- and then disappointed when they get to know me.

[Nexus One]

Here is my problem- I present as confident- but on the inside I am needy.

Men are always attracted to my acting- and then disappointed when they get to know me.

 

Being insecure and needy would only be a problem when those things are so extreme that they would create problems within the relationship. I don't know you personally of course, but on these forums you don't seem to give off a vibe that you would be that insecure and needy that it would be a problem to your relationship.

 

Almost everyone is insecure and needy to a certain point. Those are certainly things most guys can look past, unless you pick the kind of guys that are hard to the core and don't accept any "weaknesses" whatsoever in others. Are you perhaps attracted to such men? Unless that's the case, then I'm not sure I understand what exactly the problem is.

[Star Gazer]

I'll always be hard on myself, that's probably a part of the problem.

 

Here is my problem- I present as confident- but on the inside I am needy.

Men are always attracted to my acting- and then disappointed when they get to know me.

 

I think you ARE being too hard on yourself. You really do deserve and ought to give yourself a huge break!!! If you're being true and authentic here on LS - which I do believe you are - then I really don't think you're needy to the point where it would push anyone away - not anyone who's worth a minute of your time, anyway. Truly, I've never once read something about your feelings which seemed anything less than normal and rational and completely understandable...

 

...and that comes from someone who doesn't really like truly needy people when in a relationship, and thus am probably hypersensitive to it.

[zengirl]

What I really want, is a relationship with a man (who is flawed or not) that will accept that I'm a bit flawed, and be okay with that.

 

I don't know if men like that exist.

 

Yes, they do! Every human being on Earth is flawed. No relationships would work if people couldn't accept that. As long as your flaws aren't 'fatal' or obviously dangerous to other people (and it doesn't sound like the are at ALL), I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

I'll always be hard on myself, that's probably a part of the problem.

 

Everything you said previously has an answer I am anxious to give- I just have to drive a friend to the airport early.

 

Here is my problem- I present as confident- but on the inside I am needy.

Men are always attracted to my acting- and then disappointed when they get to know me.

 

I'm surprised to hear you describe yourself as needy. Are you sure you're not being too hard on yourself again, as you say you're prone to do?

 

I can relate to being hard on yourself. I have a tendency --- I've been trying to overcome it for years and made some progress, but the seed of the impulse will always be there --- to beat myself up. For a long time, I kicked the **** out of myself. Now I just give myself the occasional lashing, but I usually realize what I'm doing and stop. But someone who is beating themselves up definitely comes across as needy. . . so I get that, and the two are probably intertwined. Still, I'm curious to hear what you mean by "needy" behavior?

 

Everyone has their own insecurities. You seem like a pretty savvy lady who can face your insecurities in a productive way.

 

Almost everyone is insecure and needy to a certain point.

 

Right, generally needy/insecure behavior in overall healthy people manifests during times of stress or when specific buttons are inadvertently pushed, but I would actually be skeptical of a partner who was NEVER needy or insecure. Even those "show no weakness" guys Nexus mentions are actually showing no weakness and tolerating no weakness due to their own issues and insecurities. The problem is when it's overblown.

 

But I'm not sure how different D-Lish's acting 'front' is from who she is later in the relationship. . . Still, it seems pretty typical to me to not wear your insecurities on your sleeves (that's kinda unstable behavior) but to reveal them later in an intimate relationship. Isn't that just a part of normal intimacy? (Unless they're revealed in extreme and crazy ways, but I have trouble imagining D acting like a crazy person.)

[D-Lish]

When I talk about flaws- I don't think I am any different than most people. I can be bitchy, have a temper sometimes, jealousy issues, a little selfish at times. It's not to a high degree though. I'd also do anything for the person I love and have a kind, generous, selfless side to me as well.

 

I'm not needy in the sense that I need constant validation. But I've never dated anyone that really fulfilled my basic needs- which is why I might feel like I am needy, when maybe I'm just dating the wrong people. The last 3 men I have dated have been emotionally unavailable men with major intimacy issues.

 

My picker is off when it comes to men. I see red flags, and I sweep them under the rug for some reason. I don't date players, I just seem to pick men that are broken, and don't realize it until it's too late and I'm already involved.

[zengirl]

When I talk about flaws- I don't think I am any different than most people. I can be bitchy, have a temper sometimes, jealousy issues, a little selfish at times. It's not to a high degree though. I'd also do anything for the person I love and have a kind, generous, selfless side to me as well.

 

I'm not needy in the sense that I need constant validation. But I've never dated anyone that really fulfilled my basic needs- which is why I might feel like I am needy, when maybe I'm just dating the wrong people. The last 3 men I have dated have been emotionally unavailable men with major intimacy issues.

 

My picker is off when it comes to men. I see red flags, and I sweep them under the rug for some reason. I don't date players, I just seem to pick men that are broken, and don't realize it until it's too late and I'm already involved.

 

I think everyone feels needy when they're dating someone emotionally unavailable.

 

Re: broken men

 

I don't know you well enough to guess what makes you pick broken men, but you're pretty smart on stuff like this.

 

What do you think? Why do you pick these guys? Therapize. (I know I made that word up.)

 

There are a wealth of reasons people do that, but mostly, I think once you've formed a habit, like any habit, it's hard to break.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

 

My picker is off when it comes to men. I see red flags, and I sweep them under the rug for some reason. I don't date players, I just seem to pick men that are broken, and don't realize it until it's too late and I'm already involved.

 

Broken Men? or Men that are not compatible with you?

 

Now I'm thinking completely logical here but I'd say you could indicate whether a guy is "broken" rather quickly in interaction with him, as far as incompatibility goes it will take longer to analyse this. meaning you would be involved to some extent before you realize you two are just not compatible. Just my .02

 

 

What do you think? Why do you pick these guys? Therapize. (I know I made that word up.)

 

 

I agree with zengirl, you might surprise yourself with what you come up with while you "Therapize".

[D-Lish]

I think everyone feels needy when they're dating someone emotionally unavailable.

 

Re: broken men

 

I don't know you well enough to guess what makes you pick broken men, but you're pretty smart on stuff like this.

 

What do you think? Why do you pick these guys? Therapize. (I know I made that word up.)

 

There are a wealth of reasons people do that, but mostly, I think once you've formed a habit, like any habit, it's hard to break.

 

Therapize, lol. I like it. I honestly couldn't say why. Maybe it's because I think that because they have issues, they'll be less apt to judge me?

 

It's something to think about. With my recent ex he had a lot of "sad stories" about being cheated on and left by his ex's- and that endeared me to him, I wanted to be a great gf to him because he'd had unfortunate experiences with women in the past.

 

It turns out that he had these unfortunate experiences because he obviously wasn't able to emotionally attach himself to any of these women. I didn't see that until it was too late.

 

Broken Men? or Men that are not compatible with you?

 

Now I'm thinking completely logical here but I'd say you could indicate whether a guy is "broken" rather quickly in interaction with him, as far as incompatibility goes it will take longer to analyse this. meaning you would be involved to some extent before you realize you two are just not compatible. Just my .02

 

I agree with zengirl, you might surprise yourself with what you come up with while you "Therapize".

 

Well I'd say both. It took me a while to realize my ex had issues because we were too busy having so much fun. He presented as really fun and normal at first. It wasn't until we went through the pregnancy that I realized he had no ability to communicate- and then saw the intimacy issues surfacing. The realization came to me gradually as I met his family (and realized a few things after that as well).

 

Initiallly, I thought we were completely compatible, we liked the same things, same movies, same sense of humour. I felt so connected to him right off the bat. The crisis brought out the real him, and that was 4 months into it.

[Nexus One]

With my recent ex he had a lot of "sad stories" about being cheated on and left by his ex's- and that endeared me to him, I wanted to be a great gf to him because he'd had unfortunate experiences with women in the past.

 

Did he tell those "sad stories" before or after you guys got into a relationship?

[D-Lish]

Did he tell those "sad stories" before or after you guys got into a relationship?

 

Before- in the first few weeks.

Is that a red flag I was too stupid to ignore??

 

I just thought he was such a nice guy, and my thoughts on that were that his ex's took advantage of that. It made me want to step up and be a great gf to him:(

[alphamale]

I don't get what men see in a broken women.

they're usually better in the sack

[torn_curtain]

Before- in the first few weeks.

Is that a red flag I was too stupid to ignore??

 

I just thought he was such a nice guy, and my thoughts on that were that his ex's took advantage of that. It made me want to step up and be a great gf to him:(

 

Whenever a guy claims he is a nice guy who keeps getting taken advantaged of by women watch out. That's usually a sign that he's weak. Guys like this are so used to women rejecting them and idealizing women who keep them at a distance that they can't handle it when someone actually reciprocates their affection.

[torn_curtain]

It turns out that he had these unfortunate experiences because he obviously wasn't able to emotionally attach himself to any of these women. I didn't see that until it was too late.

 

so he rejected them or they rejected him?

[D-Lish]

so he rejected them or they rejected him?

 

He claims they rejected him.

[D-Lish]

But ultimately he is the one that rejects people- because he becomes so distant that most women would leave. I remember him telling me that he lived with a girl for months and they just didn't interact, have sex, slept in different rooms, etc... So of course she left. He said he stayed mainly because he liked her daughter.

[Nexus One]

Before- in the first few weeks.

Is that a red flag I was too stupid to ignore??

 

I just thought he was such a nice guy, and my thoughts on that were that his ex's took advantage of that. It made me want to step up and be a great gf to him:(

 

I can't know for sure, but he might have actually pulled the "broken wing" tactic on you. If he did, then you possibly fell for that, perhaps due to you having a desire to nurture. It's perhaps quite similar to what your friend might be doing (unconsciously?). It seems to be attracting guys, except in your case the genders were reversed.

 

However even if that is true, it's a small detail and I'm not sure it's relevant to why he left you or why things didn't work out in general.

Edited August 2, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

I can't know for sure, but he might have actually pulled the "broken wing" tactic on you. If he did, then you possibly fell for that, perhaps due to you having a desire to nurture. It's perhaps quite similar to what your friend might be doing (unconsciously?). It seems to be attracting guys, except in your case the genders were reversed.

 

However even if that is true, it's a small detail and I'm not sure it's relevant to why he left you or why things didn't work out in general.

 

Well I sensed he was incredibly insecure.

 

I think he broke up with me because I forced him to. I think he is normally passive-aggressive in getting women to leave him. He was doing it to me- the distancing, etc... I just made him tell me.

 

I am pretty sure he is only capable of going so far with a woman before he shuts down.

 

But you're right about me and my friend and the gender reversal.

[Enchanted Girl]

To expand on this: For any observational person, it is easy enough to detect emotional "weakness". You can see it in the eyes, in their body language, the tone of their voice...their overall demeanor. Most people really don't hide their intentions as well as they would think. Hell, even most of the sociopaths that I've spoken to, the masters of deception, usually aren't as clever as they would like to think.

 

Basically, you can tell when something is "off".

 

And it is easy to manipulate others, you tell them what they want to hear, and build up their trust. If your friend is as naive and vulnerable as you say, it would be easy enough to exploit that. You can't really "protect" her D. But you can help her pick up their signals. Most guys aren't really that subtle.

 

And I'd recommend that you avoid taking her any pubs if you want to help her recovery. Hopefully she will learn from this experience.

 

This is true.

 

I'm a very honest person and a nice person and I tend to be gullible as well in comparison to the average woman and I get predatory men hitting on me occasionally. They can also sense that I'll never cuss them out or directly say anything super cruel to make them leave me alone and that I can be a push over sometimes.

 

But I've gotten better at recognizing the predatory men from the non-predatory and she needs to learn this lesson on her own. The OP can warn her that a certain man is behaving that way, but can't protect her.