the Best Friend I Might Have Lost

[pekhachin]

I haven't seen him in 10 days now despite spending every day together before, and I know it's partially my fault but I need outside opinions on this, anything, please. My thoughts are so jumbled and he's been that person in my life for so long that I'm writing it all out, to straighten my head if not my heart. Here it goes:

 

It started on my first day of high school, my very first class. I saw this cute boy with gorgeous blue eyes and long, side swept blonde hair sitting across from me. I thought myself something of a Scarlett O'Hara and vowed to myself then that he'd be my target - he'd be my Ashley. I saw him at lunch later that day when a girl told me that he had a girlfriend; I ignored the fact, walked up to him and asked him if he wanted to be my "friend." Lame, I know, but it worked.

 

We had 3 out of 4 classes together those first two quarters, *FATE* I liked to call it. We sat next to each other in class, stayed up all night talking on AIM and eventually on the phone (my mother had a problem with this and once threw an empty sunkist bottle at my head when she caught me talking to him in the middle of the night). Over the next few months he became my friend, my first real friend I made at my snobby, rich, and harsh high school.

 

He was something of a mystery to me though, despite how close we got I always found myself trying to figure him out. He's an intense person, sometimes hard to read. One of the most intelligent people I know, and not to brag, but one of his best friends went to Harvard, another to Yale, his girlfriend (barf) was the valedictorian in our class of 800, and I'm an AP scholar with distinction, a National Merit Semi Finalist, an Ambassador of Music and all sorts of other dumb stuff on paper that I don't feel sums up to too much when it comes to real life and relationships. If I graduated with honors in high school I'm flunking relationship 101... Point is, he inspired me. He had so much in his head, in classwork I could keep up but I found him to be such an old soul that I only wanted to catch up to him. I wanted to walk beside him for once.

 

Well, that and maybe hold his hand. I had other love interests and short affairs through the years. To be honest, I was something of a femme fetal as he called it, a cheerleader, dating the QB/receiver who now plays for Ole Miss (My friend third wheeled the first time we hung out!), messing around with the guy who was voted to have the 'sexiest car' at our school (I drunk texted friend right before and after hooking up with the guy -_-), and losing my virginity to a marine who was the rugby captain (during a sleepover with the younger sister of my friend's gf). So many dumb situations with dumb boys, and through it all I never believed I was in love with any of them, they weren't like him.

 

He was there for me more than anyone else. He was the one to buy me my pregnancy test when I had my first scare, he was the one I'd call to save me from a date gone terribly wrong in the back parking lot of the middle school, he let me cry on his shoulder, live in his [mansion] when my parents kicked me out. He was the first person I'd look for on my online friends list, and the last person on my mind before bed. All while he was dating this darrrrlllinngg girl who hated me.

 

There were 6 months when I studied at a boarding school in India, that I thought would be 2 years. I was afraid of returning home and not having him anymore, and because of that, I bawled like a baby when he didn't come to see me off at the airport. Sure he had been out all night with me the day before, and spent literally all week with me, but it didn't stop me from leaving a sobbing voicemail on his home phone. I think his mother deleted it.

 

He was one of two people I was able to sneak call during my stint in Boarding school. Hearing his voice alone made me tear up. Seeing him, Surprise! Senior year was even better. But things hadn't changed, even when I woke up naked next to him on his basement couch, the morning after we both blacked out for the first time T_T (Two high school seniors, a big empty house, tons of kettle vodka, and some pizza.. and Zombieland) We pretended it hadn't happen. I had nooo recollection of winding up naked, although my last memory was me trying to straddle him, and him telling me to stop being bad.

 

See I was always bad, and he was always so good. I forgot to mention that. I was partly just teasing - it's in my nature - but mostly hopeful, serious, and determined to make him give in. I'd pull that kind of **** the rest of the year, mostly when I was intoxicated. I'd try to push our boundaries and see where his morals led him. He all but said I had changed the way he felt about his girlfriend when we were just juniors. I knew. He had to want me back.

 

Fast forward July 6th, 2010, we had graduated high school and it was that magical summer before the rest of our lives started. It was also his anniversary with his girlfriend of years, and 3 days before he'd leave for a year long trip around the world doing volunteer work. It was a program called Up With People - there's a South Park episode making fun of it.

 

Because I knew his departure date, I picked the same date (July 9th) to leave to California to visit our friend who had moved from Minnesota 2 years before. I'd never been there and knew that I would need a good distraction from the boy of my dreams leaving me in all sense of the word. I joked with him, what if I fell in love with [our friend in California]. Anyway. We were smoking, acting dumb, the usual. Then I did it again. I was bad. But for the first time he didn't stop me.

 

I had a green light, but I wouldn't be the one to kiss him first. He did. I don't remember how this part happened all too well, but he wanted more; I didn't.

 

He stopped to say (mostly to himself) that I had only wanted him because he was good, and the moment he was bad I was bored. That wasn't true... I just didn't want to have our relationship defining moment in the back of his car on his anniversary with another girl. I broke down crying, telling him how much he meant to me. How I couldn't bear that he was leaving. I remember avoiding the word love though. He held me and told me that I was his closest friend in the world.

 

Between that night and the morning he left, he told me that I didn't know what love was. I'll never forget that. Hadn't he told me that he loved his girlfriend in the years before? What then, did it mean that night when he told me that he cared more for my feelings than hers? I had no ****ing clue.

 

I thought I had finally managed to stop crying by the 9th, made him a scrapbook, saw him off before he left at his house, took pictures with his mom. Then he got into his parent's car, and I got in mine, we drove different ways and man. As soon as I knew he couldn't see me I started crying. Harder than I ever have in my life, all the way home, packing my bags, with a misty eyed look at the airport where I took my own flight to California.

 

Things happened there. Dumb things. I decided to give up my presidential, music, and diversity scholarships at a 40 grand a year liberal arts college to go to a community college in Santa Barbara instead. If there's one thing I'm good at it's being impulsive and running away from my life. So run I did.

 

I don't regret it, my life in Santa Barbara has been amazing, I've met the girlfriends of a lifetime and lead a young, beautiful lifestyle with some schoolwork thrown in. But honest to god I cried at a party my first week of college because I missed him. My roommates wiped away my tears asking why I was crying over my friend when I had a perfectly good boyfriend who was about to move up to Santa Barbara.. No good answer for that.

 

Move forward again to 3 weeks ago. I'm home for summer break; he's finally home from his tour. We hung out, not knowing what to expect. As he put it, everything came back. Despite that I had extreme back and forth beliefs on what I thought would be best for our future (only when I was alone of course). When I'm with him I don't ever want to leave.

 

Here things get confusing. He tells me things like how he called his last girlfriend by my name, that I'd left such an impression on him, how he wants to keep me in my life, and how he's looking for intimacy. Yet (And that's his favorite word), there's no way a long distance relationship would work, and again there goes my paranoia at ruining our friendship over what would be a few weeks of summer hooking up. I remember smiling at him and asking him if we'd be friends again, and him responding, "but with benefits right?"

 

Not what I wanted to hear. At all.

 

Well, I drank too much tequila and slept with him. Don't remember it, but my girlfriend told me I cried in his bathroom for a good while after. Apparently I said that it wouldn't be the same anymore and that our friendship was ruined. I still slept over at his place every night after that for a while, no sex involved. But he had had a friend staying with him who was "in love" with my friend who was visiting me, so we all had to stick together. After we drove our friends back out of town, I went home with his pajama pants and sweaters, thinking to myself that now was when I'd really find out... I waited for 3 days, nothing. I invited him on a picnic - no response. I asked him to go to a party with me - he wasn't up to it. He tagged his ex gf in a picture of mine on facebook titled "I came..."

 

I pulled away for obvious reasons. And since then he's asked me to hang out once but by then I was so discouraged that I wouldn't/couldn't do it. What the **** do I do. I had my life so together and happy before he came back into the picture. Being crazy over him for a few weeks has only caused me extreme distraction and hurt me worse than our time together as friends in high school. I deleted him off my facebook yesterday but our mutual friend told me that neither of us let on how much we care about each other.

 

Round about miscommunications and misinterpretations... I don't know if that's me being hopeful and naive, or if I've been looking past the truth for a while now. No idea. Please Help.

Edited July 14, 2011 by pekhachin

[pekhachin]

ps I always told my other friend that I would marry him someday, and I'm a girl who thinks (at least now) that I know what I want, have had plenty of the fish in the sea, 4 or 5 I love you's from men who meant it and 3 proposals...

 

It's just stupid that I could really consider myself giving into this man who caused me so much grief in the past, who rejected me for years.

[egitim21f]

thnx for sharing good job +rep

 

 

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