Citrine Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 My life has never been better than it is at this moment. I have an amazing home, working a good job, healthier than ever, surrounded by people who seem to care about me (who knows why?)...and yet, it occurred to me last night that I absolutely loathe myself. I'm not exactly sure why that is. Not everything about me is horrible. There are a lot of traits I like about myself. I am artistically talented. I am a hard worker. I admire my stubborn determination (which allowed me to survive and thrive in spite of it all), courage and adventurous nature. Most importantly I am a person of integrity. There is no way I could live with myself if I didn't feel I was living in accordance to my moral values. I'm not depressed. I was depressed in my early childhood (I was suicidal by the time I was 6 to give you some perspective). I know what depression feels like and this ain't it. It's mostly an overwhelming sense that I'm no good and everyone would be better off had I never been born. I'm beginning to see that this might be holding me back in some ways. Is there anything I can do about it on my own? It probably sounds like I need therapy but I tried that when I was about 12 and it didn't help at all. And that was when I was actually struggling with a mental illness. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Hi citrine, I encourage you to try therapy again for several reasons. You need professional support. Self-help books aren't a substitute and I'm not sure what other self-help remedies come close to seeing a talented therapist. Books, meditation, spiritual work serve their purpose but specialized, individualized help through counseling sounds like a better idea for you. That you had suicidal ideation at such a young age alarms me. That it was never fully resolved alarms me even more. Why suffer when help is to be had? You're older now, looking through life with the lens of an adult, not a child. Your self-awareness and ability to be introspective are much greater. Also, therapy varies based in part on the skill of the therapist. Perhaps the one you had previously wasn't as good a fit as one you could find now. From your description, your life has many pieces in place. My wish for you is to put this one into place as well, and to find some peace just being you. Best to you. Edited July 14, 2011 by cerridwen Link to post Share on other sites
PelicanPete Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 . I know what depression feels like and this ain't it. It's mostly an overwhelming sense that I'm no good and everyone would be better off had I never been born. I'm beginning to see that this might be holding me back in some ways. Is there anything I can do about it on my own? Yes of course this is holding you back! Why do you think you're no good? Is there something you're comparing yourself to which makes you feel inadequate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citrine Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Hi citrine, I encourage you to try therapy again for several reasons. You need professional support. Self-help books aren't a substitute and I'm not sure what other self-help remedies come close to seeing a talented therapist. Books, meditation, spiritual work serve their purpose but specialized, individualized help through counseling sounds like a better idea for you. That you had suicidal ideation at such a young age alarms me. That it was never fully resolved alarms me even more. Why suffer when help is to be had? You're older now, looking through life with the lens of an adult, not a child. Your self-awareness and ability to be introspective are much greater. Also, therapy varies based in part on the skill of the therapist. Perhaps the one you had previously wasn't as good a fit as one you could find now. I actually had a couple of different therapists. They seemed well meaning enough but they didn't seem to get it. That and I felt like they kept pushing medication on me. Why do you think you're no good? Is there something you're comparing yourself to which makes you feel inadequate? I was abused as a very young child and it went on for about a decade. Everything I am today is because of the behaviors I had to adapt in order to survive. I'm so grateful and happy to have what I have now but deep down I wish I had never been born. Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I agree with the 'find a good therapist' idea 110%. And I have another idea too....... Some people won't understand this idea but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. You might need a near - death experience to make you appreciate life and see life in a brand new way. However, most near death experiences are quite by accident. So how about an experience that just really scares the sh*t outta ya? Like skydiving! Or swimming with sharks! (They have those type scuba tours now). Maybe rock climbing? Hand gliding? Hell, vacationing in some parts of Mexico nowadays might just do it. Volunteering in Haiti might be useful. I have friends who did. Helping others, especially children, living in life or death circumstances might do the trick for you. Point it, you might need a real adrenaline rush or a good scare to make a difference to your life and bring you back to thinking that being alive is a good thing. Just a thought. Not making light of your feelings whatsoever. This is actually my best, but different, advice. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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