leilab Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 I am in the last phases of contemplating going through with a divorce. Over the last month I have spent a lot of time reading books and going to counseling to determine if this is what I really want to do. I have looked at a lot of viewpoints and pondered their relevance to me. What is comes down to is the following question which I am hoping to receive your comments on. Can you work on getting feelings back for your spouse, including wanting to be intimitate with him, or do feelings either exist or not? My husband and I have talked about this a lot. And his opinion is that love has to be worked on and that feelings come from effort beingv put into the relationship. I am not in love with him, and have not been in love with him for many years. And I have no desire to be intimate with him. Is this something you think I can work on? Or is time to throw in the towel? We have two kids, 10 and 6 which we both love very much and would be willing to work out the problems. But my feelings for him are at this point the deal breaker??? Thx for your responses. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Dear leilab Don't give up on your marriage yet. My husband had thought that our relationship was dead and he had started an affair with another woman. I cared for my husband but had questioned whether I was really in love with him anymore. We started counseling, his reason was he wanted to make the process of divorce easier ( I did not know that at the time) My reason was I wanted to salvage our marriage and not hurt our five kids. What we both discovered during counseling is that all the time we thought the other did not really care and the love was gone, was not true. We rediscovered how much we loved each other. I found the husband that I once loved hidden under a layer of indifference and he found that person that he first married. We separated for 6 months and we began dating each other. The other woman was not who he thought she was and that soon ended. Dating my husband was the best thing I ever did. He was out of the house so we didn't have all the hassles that we normally did concerning the kids. I spent the night at his place a couple of times and we went to places we hadn't been since we had children. He dated a few women during this time and soon realized that during the dates all he wanted to do was call me, he left one woman at the dinner table and spent 15 minutes in the mens room talking to me. The counseling opened up issues that we didn't realize bothered each other, like my chewing ice and his constant involvment with scouts. I hope that you will consider your husbands ideas and consider counseling. I think even if you do not end up together, that you will find out what is right for both of you. Good Luck TFW Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted April 23, 2004 Author Share Posted April 23, 2004 Thank you FaithfulWife I had seriously considered moving out of the house to get some physical space between us and so that both of us can determine how we feel. However, I was told that if we ultimately divorce that moving out of the primary residence would be considered "abandonment" in regards to the children. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 If you and he have not visited a counselor together yet maybe it would be best to try that first. Have you considered asking him to move out for a bit until you get your feelings sorted out? I would make sure that both of you acknowledge in front of a witness that the move does not constitute abandonment, and that you set up times for him or you to have the kids. Good luck with things TFW Link to post Share on other sites
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