To women who have been in sexless marriages

[Cabin]

Long story short: My H and I have been together for 10 years, and our sex life is BRUTAL. I always just thought that was what happened between two people over time, the passion dies, so I moved on and didn't give it much thought.

 

He has always wanted it more, but I just don't feel *it* for him. Not at all. And I did in the beginning -- in those first 2-3 months of infatuation -- but looking back, it wasn't even great then, I just had more interest.

 

So now I'm pretty sure we are totally sexually incompatible. Our MC doesn't think it can be fixed, since chemistry is literally a chemical connection.

 

He recommended I read this: http://www.carolcassell.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=7&Itemid=7 and now I realize I never had that "click" factor with my H.

 

But I've internalized ten years of believing I'm just not a sexual person, broken somehow...

 

I'm hoping women who have been in this type of situation can share whether they were able to "reform" their sexual life by meeting a more suitable/compatible partner.

 

I'm worried that I'm going to be like this in every relationship down the road, and I want desperately not to be!!

[Cabin]

It's funny... he is very attractive. VERY.

But I don't have that desire, I-want-you feeling about him, and I never did.

I just didn't know I needed to.

I based my decision to marry on other factors like companionship, good family background, similar life goals, etc.

I wish I'd known...

[Cabin]

Not trying to be snarky, but are you having the same issue with your MM? I only ask because you say you're afraid of this being with every partner but you've eluded to something different when talking about your MM.

 

Not snarky at all!

I am NOT having this issue at all with my AP. (No need to ream me out people!) Our chemistry is the kind of connection I honestly only ever happened in movies. It is incredible.

 

Part of me feels confident that the way my passion/inner fire has been lit means that I am capable of sustaining such drive/interest... but then part of me is worried that I'll disappoint.

 

The more I read, the more I see that for women it's almost all our minds that control our physical desires and need to express ourselves sexually. And I'm also learning that nothing can really be done if sexual chemistry is just totally absent.

[2sunny]

Not snarky at all!

I am NOT having this issue at all with my AP. (No need to ream me out people!) Our chemistry is the kind of connection I honestly only ever happened in movies. It is incredible.

 

Part of me feels confident that the way my passion/inner fire has been lit means that I am capable of sustaining such drive/interest... but then part of me is worried that I'll disappoint.

 

The more I read, the more I see that for women it's almost all our minds that control our physical desires and need to express ourselves sexually. And I'm also learning that nothing can really be done if sexual chemistry is just totally absent.

 

the brain does drive the emotional connection.

 

it's not true that the emotional connection can't be grown bigger. IF time and energy is focused soley between the two people - that emotional bond CAN and DOES get bigger when two people treat each other with respect and adoration... making each other a top priority. you've essentially proved that with your OM.

 

are you planning to leave your husband? if so, when?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm worried that I'm going to be like this in every relationship down the road, and I want desperately not to be!!

 

How can you tell? Cheating brings it's own set of sexual excitement and chemistry.

 

You will never have so much "chemistry" with a man as when you are trying to get him or keep him.

 

Your whole theory is mostly just bullsh** to justify/rationalize your abusive behavior. Yes chemistry does play a role... but that is something we actively create... and there are different types of chemistry.

[LittleTiger]

I'm confused. Your posts are inconsistent, so I'm guessing you must be confused too.

 

First you say:

 

"I just don't feel *it* for him. Not at all. And I did in the beginning"

 

Then you say:

 

"But I don't have that desire, I-want-you feeling about him, and I never did"

 

This sounds a bit like you're re-writing history in your marriage. From what I understand, that's quite common for someone in the throws of an affair.

 

It may sound as though I'm judging you but I'm really not. I do know what it's like to have a sexless marriage (I was married almost 10yrs/together 14yrs) and I understand the desire to look for what's missing outside the marriage - but it isn't the answer - unless you're just looking for somewhere to run 'to'.

 

I know that the sexual chemisty with my ex wasn't strong enough to sustain our relationship. When we discussed it, he agreed. There was no affair on either side so we weren't rewriting history. I had experienced true sexual chemisty years before and I'm lucky enough to have found it again since. So, I do believe that it's either there or it isn't.

 

However, in your case, I would question whether *it* was never there - because you're too busy getting *it* outside the marriage. You can't possibly think straight while your hormones are in control and your post is evidence of that.

 

I'm curious, if you're experiencing that "passion and inner fire" in your affair, how is it that you're worried about "reforming your sexual life" as you're obviously capable of experiencing passion in the *right* circumstances?

 

I'm also wondering who it is you're worried about diasappointing? Yourself, your husband, your affair partner?

 

Because your post is confusing, I'm going to read between the lines so forgive me if I'm way off base - I haven't even read your posting history so I'm basing this only on what I've read in this thread. Here's what I think is happening:

 

You're considering leaving your husband and perhaps weighing up whether it's worth jumping ship - given that you did have sexual chemistry with your husband in the beginning (although maybe not as intense as you're having with your AP - affairs are always intense - that's what makes them addictive) and you don't want to leave your husband if you're going to find yourself in the same situation with your AP, 10 years from now.

 

If I'm right, then the question you're really asking is "is it possible to sustain sexual chemistry in a long term relationship?"

Edited July 15, 2011 by LittleTiger

[Cabin]

Your whole theory is mostly just bullsh** to justify/rationalize your abusive behavior. Yes chemistry does play a role... but that is something we actively create... and there are different types of chemistry.

 

Actually, from talking to my MC and reading book after book on the topic, chemisty is one thing you CANNOT CREATE. You may have to work to sustain it, but if it isn't there, nothing you can do will create it.

[Cabin]

I'm confused. Your posts are inconsistent, so I'm guessing you must be confused too. First you say:

 

"I just don't feel *it* for him. Not at all. And I did in the beginning"

 

Then you say:

 

"But I don't have that desire, I-want-you feeling about him, and I never did"

 

Yes, let me explain. When we first started dating, I felt that rush and newness of someone new. I was 21. It was easy to fall head over heels. But looking back, I think I could have felt that way about just about any guy I was dating. So while I was excited about talking to him, and dating him, and going out and dancing and having fun, etc. I *never* ever felt that raw sexual desire to just be with him, right then, because I needed him. I never needed to make out, or spend hours in bed, or just be with him intimately. I enjoyed the rush of the romance (dates, flowers, social outings, conversation, etc.) but NOT the intimate connection. Does that make sense?

 

This sounds a bit like you're re-writing history in your marriage. From what I understand, that's quite common for someone in the throws of an affair.

 

I've been speaking with my H very openly about our sex life, and I really don't think I'm rewriting history. He agrees that it just never seemed to be there for me. Even on our 10 day honeymoon... we had sex like three quick times. I'm embarrassed looking back...

 

So, I do believe that it's either there or it isn't. However, in your case, I would question whether *it* was never there - because you're too busy getting *it* outside the marriage. You can't possibly think straight while your hormones are in control and your post is evidence of that.

 

Yeah - it was *never* there like it is with AP. It was mechanical and awkward and distant and a chore after a few months. I don't know why I didn't realize it was a problem before I got married. I think I just figured that must be what happens to people once they get into LTR. Sad eh?

 

I'm curious, if you're experiencing that "passion and inner fire" in your affair, how is it that you're worried about "reforming your sexual life" as you're obviously capable of experiencing passion in the *right* circumstances?

I'm also wondering who it is you're worried about diasappointing? Yourself, your husband, your affair partner?

 

 

I'm worried about sustaining this passion. It is incredible. I feel like I've finally been let in "on the joke". I don't want it to go away. And yes, I'm worried about disappointing AP because we are planning to be together.

 

If I'm right, then the question you're really asking is "is it possible to sustain sexual chemistry in a long term relationship?"

 

Yes, I hope it is! Is it?!?!?!

[Cabin]

Movies aren't real.

 

I agree. Movies aren't real... but then neither must be books, operas, theatre, art, etc. And yet, all of those forms tell stories of great great love and passionate relationships. The reason we - humanity - tells these stories of love through painting, music, film, literature, etc. is because truly passionate love does and can exist, and I'm convinced not enough of us have been lucky enough to experience it.

 

So while I used to watch a film with some grand lovemaking scene that goes on forever and think, "Oh, that's just the movies"... now I know better.

 

I've had hours upon hours of passionate movie lovemaking, and I'm not going back to a life without it.

[bigmomma1974]

ok you are seeing a MC, having an Affair and have a sexless marriage. My question is why are you still there? Also seek a counslor who specializes in sexual issues. I do not have any answers taht will help you but will tell you I married my first husband for all the wrong reasons. I loved him but wasn't in love, I liked the feeling of someone always being there, I am afraid to be alone and the security of knowing someone was always there. Sex with him was awful from the begining and it wasn't never there for many reasons,. 10 yrs of being married and trying to keep it together, we seperated. I since found a new man and the sex is great and I actually want it now. I have an amzing life with my new husband. My ex he is and was a great man but it wasn'tt there.

[Cabin]

ok you are seeing a MC, having an Affair and have a sexless marriage. My question is why are you still there? Also seek a counslor who specializes in sexual issues.

 

10 yrs of being married and trying to keep it together, we seperated. I since found a new man and the sex is great and I actually want it now. I have an amzing life with my new husband. My ex he is and was a great man but it wasn'tt there.

 

Thanks for the reply bigmomma!

I'm so glad you've had a positive experience and are having a good sexual relationship now. How long have you been in your second marriage?

 

Yes, it's tricky to be in MC, an A, and a sexless marriage. The MC is helping us come to terms with why our M soured (and it was sour before the A, not because of it)... I asked the MC if I should see a sex therapist. He said no. He said there's nothing wrong with me sexually; I just don't have that connection with my H. I feel horrible for my H about it.

 

We are planning to separate shortly, there are just some details to be arranged.

[LittleTiger]

Yes, I hope it is! Is it?!?!?!

 

Personally, I believe it is, yes - though I have no long term experience of my own to prove it, I do know people who are still 'hot' for each other after being together for many years - I also know several who aren't.

 

In biological terms, it is very rare for two people who are physically drawn to one another to ever be physically 'neutral' or 'turned-off', provided the two people concerned don't change drastically in appearance or personality.

 

That's where the problem really lies. It's relatively easy for someone to keep themselves in shape, but it isn't easy to stay the person you were inside at the time you met. People change, life changes us.

 

For the long term, still 'hot for each other' couples I do know, they have stayed friends and nurtured their sex lives. They still flirt and tease each other, still kiss and hug and show lots of affection, still have fun and laugh together and, most importantly I think, they still make each other feel good.

 

I do think with an AP though you need to be careful. The very nature of an affair creates more excitement than there may actually be if it was just the two of you meeting as single people. Having said that, there are examples of previous APs being happily married - even on LS - I know one such couple who've now been together over 30 years. I don't know them well enough to ask them about their sex life though!

[Cabin]

Does your MC know of the A? Does your H? A counselor can't help you to the full extent if they don't have the truth. Tiny omissions can make a big difference.

 

If you're certain you're leaving your H, and it's not predicated on the A, then keep moving forward. I do feel that your passion with MM will evolve into something a little different once you're living daily life together, but that's natural of relationships.

 

No, MC doesn't know about the A. H doesn't know, but I think there's part of him that intuitively understands. He's made reference to my heart being elsewhere.

 

As for life with the AP... I realize the intensity will tone down when daily life sets in. The appeal of making love for six hours and getting three hours sleep will wear off. But I really believe that the desire/appeal/attraction will remain.

 

Honestly, I'm really just blown away. I never knew how good - great! - sex could be, and should be. I want the spread the gospel!

 

I'm not proud of how I discovered it, but it still feels worth it.

 

Do most people have fantastic crazy wild sweaty sex?!?!?!?! If not, THEY NEED TO BE!!!

 

Oh the whole world would be so much happier!

[xxoo]

Do most people have fantastic crazy wild sweaty sex?!?!?!?! If not, THEY NEED TO BE!!!

 

Oh the whole world would be so much happier!

 

Yes, of course!

 

But....

 

It does take more than just chemistry for it to stay that way longterm. It can continue for decades, but it takes genuine maturity and relationship skills--and a sprinkling of luck--for it to last.

[OldOnTheInside]

Yes, of course!

 

But....

 

It does take more than just chemistry for it to stay that way longterm. It can continue for decades, but it takes genuine maturity and relationship skills--and a sprinkling of luck--for it to last.

 

Exactly.

 

Point is Cabin, you've already demonstrated that you're lacking in personal experience in this area, with your dead marriage and all.

 

These are skills that you have to learn. And an affair environment isn't going to allow any of these skills to really develop, for obvious reasons.

 

I said this before, but I'll repeat it: I wonder how you will feel when all of the drama of the affair is gone, and the tedium of a more stable relationship replaces it.

[Cabin]

 

I said this before, but I'll repeat it: I wonder how you will feel when all of the drama of the affair is gone, and the tedium of a more stable relationship replaces it.

 

I know the excitement, the intensity, will evolve into something calmer and more manageable, and we're both looking forward to that.

 

At the root of what we (AP and I) both want in a relationship is someone you like talking to! My H and I have *never* had that... where we just put out feet up at the end of a day and hash it all out, where we share the stories of our day during dinner, where we seek out opportunities to just be together because it feels natural and comforting...

 

... what was missing in our sex life was missing in other places too.

[luvbun80]

No, MC doesn't know about the A. H doesn't know, but I think there's part of him that intuitively understands. He's made reference to my heart being elsewhere.

 

As for life with the AP... I realize the intensity will tone down when daily life sets in. The appeal of making love for six hours and getting three hours sleep will wear off. But I really believe that the desire/appeal/attraction will remain.

 

Honestly, I'm really just blown away. I never knew how good - great! - sex could be, and should be. I want the spread the gospel!

 

I'm not proud of how I discovered it, but it still feels worth it.

 

Do most people have fantastic crazy wild sweaty sex?!?!?!?! If not, THEY NEED TO BE!!!

 

Oh the whole world would be so much happier!

 

You sound so happy, I can't help but wish you the best of luck!! Many will look down on you for the betrayal but you know, it's your life, and you did what you had to do to be happy, admit you made a mistake and move on. And it sounds like the writing was already on the wall anyway, in your mind as well as your husband's. It's still a cleaner cut than dragging through 10 more years in a loveless marriage.

 

But some of it sounds like you are saying... if you're not happy in your marriage, maybe you should have an affair, see if you are missing anything! Is that part of it? It sounds like you are restarting on a much stronger base now but do you think if it tapered off you might seek the same in 10 years? All in all, looking back, and even though you are happy with the results, do you wish you had approached things differently? Also may I ask how old you were when you first got married? Sorry for all the questions, I am really intrigued with the situation!

 

Thanks!

[xxoo]

At the root of what we (AP and I) both want in a relationship is someone you like talking to! My H and I have *never* had that... where we just put out feet up at the end of a day and hash it all out, where we share the stories of our day during dinner, where we seek out opportunities to just be together because it feels natural and comforting...

 

... what was missing in our sex life was missing in other places too.

 

Why did you choose to date your H? Why did you choose to marry him?

 

Did he feel the passion/chemistry for you? What has his perspective been on your sexual relationship during the marriage?

 

Why did he date and marry you?

[2sunny]

i'm sure that "feeling" is there partially because of the secrecy factor. it does create a more "energized intensity". expect it to wain after your divorce - and expect it to wain even MORE if you divorce and your married OM doesn't. that situation would more likely bring out resentment.

 

when do you plan to divorce your husband?

[Cabin]

But some of it sounds like you are saying... if you're not happy in your marriage, maybe you should have an affair, see if you are missing anything! Is that part of it? It sounds like you are restarting on a much stronger base now but do you think if it tapered off you might seek the same in 10 years? All in all, looking back, and even though you are happy with the results, do you wish you had approached things differently? Also may I ask how old you were when you first got married? Sorry for all the questions, I am really intrigued with the situation!

 

No I definitely don't want to advocate for affairs.

 

Ideally, I would have realized how empty my connection with my spouse was and separated before meeting my AP. But realistically, without the experiences I share with my AP, it may have been years and years of not really knowing how empty my marriage was and is. One is contingent on the other.

 

So on a moral level, yes, I wish I'd approached things differently. But on a heart level, no, sadly I don't.

 

It may not be pretty, but sometimes you cross paths at the least convenient time.

 

I was 21 meeting H and married shortly thereafter. Now almost 11 years later, we are on totally different life paths.

 

My AP is similar -- early 20s when meeting, now in his late 30s.

[Cabin]

Why did you choose to date your H? Why did you choose to marry him?

 

I dated my H because he was kind and attractive, and I was 21 and having a good time dating! I chose to marry him because I thought that was the next step in the "process" of dating: you date until you find someone suitable, then you get engaged, then you get married, buy a house, have children, blah blah blah. I found him to be suitable because we had similar family backgrounds, similar education, similar religious upbringing, he had a stable job, and yes, we did have fun together! But our fun was the kind of fun you have when you're in your early 20s: parties, dancing, drinking, etc. We didn't ever really even spend a whole lot of alone time, just the two of us. It was always about our social scene and active social lives.

 

Did he feel the passion/chemistry for you? What has his perspective been on your sexual relationship during the marriage?

 

Why did he date and marry you?

 

Yes, he says he does for me. He wants to be married to a woman who cherishes and adores him, of course. Who wouldn't? He wants a wife who centers her whole world around him --he's said so much. I have not done that... but it's hard to do that with a man for whom you just don't have that kind of spark and connection and chemistry. It doesn't come naturally. Now I know that eventually the spark fades and you do have to take measures to keep focused on a person to maintain your love, but that love should be there naturally at first... as a guide! I didn't feel that way about him, so there was nothing "natural" about it! Sad eh?

 

He dated and married me because he liked who I was at 21! Fun, a bit carefree, maybe simpler... but now that I've finished more education, started a career, grown up a bit, he still wishes for that 21 year old.

[Cabin]

i'm sure that "feeling" is there partially because of the secrecy factor. it does create a more "energized intensity". expect it to wain after your divorce - and expect it to wain even MORE if you divorce and your married OM doesn't. that situation would more likely bring out resentment.

 

when do you plan to divorce your husband?

 

Surely the secrecy creates a bit of a rush. But it's also getting old. We both just want to throw up our hands and out ourselves so that we can start spending time together whenever, wherever we want!!

 

If I end up D and AP doesn't, that would create resentment, so our R would simply have to end. It would hurt like hell, but I still think my D is the right thing to do.

[2sunny]

Surely the secrecy creates a bit of a rush. But it's also getting old. We both just want to throw up our hands and out ourselves so that we can start spending time together whenever, wherever we want!!

 

If I end up D and AP doesn't, that would create resentment, so our R would simply have to end. It would hurt like hell, but I still think my D is the right thing to do.

 

so when are you divorcing him?

[Tech_E]

so when are you divorcing him?

 

Notice she avoids this question at all costs. Pure bull____.

[The Blue Knight]

Long story short: My H and I have been together for 10 years, and our sex life is BRUTAL. I always just thought that was what happened between two people over time, the passion dies, so I moved on and didn't give it much thought.

 

He has always wanted it more, but I just don't feel *it* for him. Not at all. And I did in the beginning -- in those first 2-3 months of infatuation -- but looking back, it wasn't even great then, I just had more interest.

 

So now I'm pretty sure we are totally sexually incompatible. Our MC doesn't think it can be fixed, since chemistry is literally a chemical connection.

 

He recommended I read this: http://www.carolcassell.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=7&Itemid=7 and now I realize I never had that "click" factor with my H.

 

But I've internalized ten years of believing I'm just not a sexual person, broken somehow...

 

I'm hoping women who have been in this type of situation can share whether they were able to "reform" their sexual life by meeting a more suitable/compatible partner.

 

I'm worried that I'm going to be like this in every relationship down the road, and I want desperately not to be!!

 

I have to ask this because you don't detail what "brutal" means. Are you saying your husband was just sexually inept for ten long years? I ask this because I have to think many people, men in particular can pick up new and better techniques if they know that they suck at sex (no pun intended). Was this discussed or considered?