To women who have been in sexless marriages

[freestyle]

If I were Cabin's H, my ability to trust may or may not be permanently damaged, per se, except to the extent I may not be able to place my trust 100% in another woman. What would be far more certain, however, is that I would start taking a scorched-earth, thermonuclear approach to my divorce. How else would I deal with someone with no integrity, who's playing me for a fool to make her life easier?

 

 

The part I bolded---I would view as permanent damage.Perhaps not total damage, not annihilation , but a heartbreaking damage all the same. The baggage can definitely carry over into future relationships. Cabin's BH could get robbed of years of his life, trying to deal with the baggage this level of deception could leave in its wake.

 

Good point about the scorched earth potential, GT--definitely another point that should be considered. The fallout from a D-day after a year of false MC could get very ugly...............

[Cabin]

What I'm wondering is---Just what did he do to you, to deserve this low of a blow?

Decimating someone's ability to trust is quite a huge punishment to dole out.

His "crime" was what, precisely?

 

I know it's just part of the culture on LS to assume all betrayed spouses are lovely, wonderful, innocent, and kind people...

 

My H has his own issues and they have taken a heavy toll on our relationship in other ways.

 

I'm not saying he deserves to be deceived. In some backwards way, I think he'll recover better from the marriage dissolving if he doesn't know about the infidelity.

[Cabin]

One further question:

 

How do you envision your life when / if the sex partner does NOT leave his wife and make a commitment to life with you? What is your timeline for that? Do you have one?

 

Is your husband on hold indefinitely pending the moves of the other married guy?

 

My H and I drafting separation papers now. He is not on hold.

 

If my AP does not leave, that doesn't change the fact that my M is not a relationship worth keeping, for either myself or my H.

[xxoo]

I'm not saying he deserves to be deceived. In some backwards way, I think he'll recover better from the marriage dissolving if he doesn't know about the infidelity.

 

That's wishful thinking. It is almost fantastical thinking, especially considering the consequences if/when he finds out (whether you intend for him to find out or not).

 

Do you believe you deserve the pleasures of the affair, at the expense of his deception, and possible pain?

[TurboGirl]

Great sex does not mean you will have a great marriage.

 

I've studied this topic in depth... .... and yes there is alot to chemistry.

 

BUT if you are still having an A, and sleeping with your AP, there is no possible way in H*** that your M and sex with your H would ever stand a chance. There is a certain familiarity in marriage after some years, 7, 8, 9, that tends to turn sex off for some. I did read that you never had that great "passion" for your H, but he's a great guy.

 

Wish you could have removed your AP from the situation before deciding to officially end it, and had gone for more counseling. Just MHO.

 

Only you can decide if you gave it a fair try with your H, and I sense that you feel you have and are ready to move on. Be careful here because if your AP does not become free and you are hanging out alone constantly, you might wish you have given your M a bit more of effort.

[freestyle]

I know it's just part of the culture on LS to assume all betrayed spouses are lovely, wonderful, innocent, and kind people...

 

I made no assumption.

 

I merely asked just what did he do, specifically, that was so horrible---that you would gamble with his emotional health, possibly for years to come?

 

I asked this based on the information you presented--that you have been actively engaged in MC on false premises--which I view as incredibly cruel.If your H is willing to go to MC, and take steps , and do the work to repair things---

 

It's unbelievably unfair for you to mislead him about where you really stand. No one deserves that. Maybe your H is a complete buffoon, jerk, a-hole, idiot--Maybe he's put you through holy hell. Maybe he's left all of the household responsibilities in your lap, unfairly---

 

does that grant you the right to waste months, or years of HIS life?

If he's so godawful, cut him loose, set him free.

 

 

My H has his own issues and they have taken a heavy toll on our relationship in other ways.

 

I'm not saying he deserves to be deceived. In some backwards way, I think he'll recover better from the marriage dissolving if he doesn't know about the infidelity.

 

How can you possibly hope to guarantee that he'll never find out?What if your MM's wife finds out, and outs it to your H?

 

Again you're gambling........with very high stakes.And the sad truth is that you're risking your H's emotional health--so you can have things go your way.

 

 

 

***********

[redtail]

I know it's just part of the culture on LS ...

 

I'm not sure why you did come here, but rest assured, there are many, many people here that know exactly what you and your husband are going through from both perspectives. And that is something that you've not given any evidence of knowing to the extent that you need to.

 

What people are saying to you is not reaching you, it's obvious. But someday, with any luck, you will understand what you've done. Please know this, you do not know now. You will dismiss my words, but hopefully in the not too distant future, what some are saying here, will ring true after the affair fog has lifted.

 

Your answers are pat, your confidence in maintaining the deception is naive and you seem to think that you've invented "sweaty sex" therefor we are the ones that don't understand. But know this, the one person that you really have deceived then, is you.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Cabin, it's disturbing to me how consistently you avoid answering any direct questions that are challenging. I think you asked for them by posting here as well as on the OW/OM forum, where you did the same thing.

 

WHY are you posting here? I believe that this site exists so that we can get and give different points of view. Why won't you deal with any of the questions that explore a different perspective than the one which you invented and that you are so attached to? Your situation has MANY participants. Not just you.

 

Why are you pretending to work on your marriage and continuing to deceive your husband WHEN YOU CLAIM THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY, 100% OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE regardless of what your sex partner does or doesn't do with regards to his own familial commitments?

 

Why?

 

Please answer. And if your answer includes reasons why your husband, and the marital bond which YOU entered into fully yourself, deserve this, please explain how that is and why.

 

My personal bias against lying and cheating aside, I hold a very deep and true belief that no good and strong relationship can possibly grow out of those things. I do acknowledge that some extramarital affairs truly represent "real love" and develop into committed relationships, but I have NEVER seen one do so that had such a network of deceit carefully maintained behind it for no apparent good reason as the one you are describing.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Mme. Chaucer

[Cabin]

 

WHY are you posting here?

 

Why are you pretending to work on your marriage and continuing to deceive your husband WHEN YOU CLAIM THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY, 100% OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE regardless of what your sex partner does or doesn't do with regards to his own familial commitments?

 

Why?

 

 

My purpose in posting *here* is clear from the title of my post: I want to discuss the experiences of women who realized they didn't have any sexual chemistry with their H.

 

I am not working on my M. I'm not sure why you have this impression. We went to MC for quite some time, and now we are no longer going. The MC process was very eye-opening for both of us, and it exposed the serious incompatibilities plaguing our M. Those existed long before the A, and in retrospect, I'm sure the A came about because of it.

 

I'm not excusing the A -- my actions and decisions allowed me to take part -- but I will excuse the fact that I fell in love with someone else. When you work alongside someone all day, it's pretty hard not to develop feelings if you are attracted to their mind, their appearance, their intellect, their humour, etc.

 

And yes, it may distress and disturb you (though, this is just an online forum, so I wouldn't get too personally worked up worrying about my situation if I were you) that I am not disclosing the A to my H... but of course it will make everything easier on everyone, including H, if he doesn't know about the A.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think you're doomed. You seem blinded by willful denial and able to rationalize anything. I'm sorry for your husband, your daughter, the other deceived person and their kids. Maybe there is still some hope for them.

 

As for you, I hope when your wake up call happens, you are ready to learn from it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Which is it? This:

 

Yes, it's tricky to be in MC, an A, and a sexless marriage. The MC is helping us come to terms with why our M soured

 

or, this:

 

 

I am not working on my M. I'm not sure why you have this impression. We went to MC for quite some time, and now we are no longer going.

 

Do you have any interest in exploring why you seem to be a profoundly dishonest person?

 

Do you think that any relationship is going to survive and thrive when the people in it are inherently dishonest in general?

[OldOnTheInside]

Lecturing Cab is a waste of time guys. You'll hurt your heads.

 

She's stuck in her mindset.

 

Until the sh*t hits the fan, she just won't get it. And that's why she is desperate to prevent that. In situations like this, hypotheticals are easier to rely on than tangible evidence.

 

Au revoir...

Edited July 23, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[luvbun80]

My purpose in posting *here* is clear from the title of my post: I want to discuss the experiences of women who realized they didn't have any sexual chemistry with their H.

 

I am not working on my M. I'm not sure why you have this impression. We went to MC for quite some time, and now we are no longer going. The MC process was very eye-opening for both of us, and it exposed the serious incompatibilities plaguing our M. Those existed long before the A, and in retrospect, I'm sure the A came about because of it.

 

I'm not excusing the A -- my actions and decisions allowed me to take part -- but I will excuse the fact that I fell in love with someone else. When you work alongside someone all day, it's pretty hard not to develop feelings if you are attracted to their mind, their appearance, their intellect, their humour, etc.

 

And yes, it may distress and disturb you (though, this is just an online forum, so I wouldn't get too personally worked up worrying about my situation if I were you) that I am not disclosing the A to my H... but of course it will make everything easier on everyone, including H, if he doesn't know about the A.

 

Cabin I think that may well be true, what the others are harping on here though, is that instead of leaving your husband in a limbo for "a few months" while you're living the romance - you could either:

 

* tell him what's up, so he's relieved of his vows and free to start looking for his own happiness

* leave now, so he's free to start looking for his own happiness

 

You may think he's so detached it doesn't make a difference one way or another what you do, but that's really unlikely (starting with, your first post mentioned he had a high sex drive, and he has no way to get that satisfied now as long as he still sticks to his marriage vows)

 

The past is the past, you can't change it, but the future is still your choice.

 

Anyway, if he's such a complete jerk that you don't care at all about his feelings or wasting 3 more months of his time, think about your own safety - he's likely to be a very, very unhappy camper if he accidentally finds out 3 months from now. You just don't know what one might do if they are pushed over that edge. And considering the case you are building for him the legal consequences would probably not be that drastic. Think he won't ever find out? Let's start with, there are probably enough clues on this site for him to put 2 and 2 together if he should stumble upon it.

[musemaj11]

Just divorce him and take half of his money with you.

 

Problem solved.

[OliveOyl]

It's funny... he is very attractive. VERY.

But I don't have that desire, I-want-you feeling about him, and I never did.

I just didn't know I needed to.

I based my decision to marry on other factors like companionship, good family background, similar life goals, etc.

I wish I'd known...

I could have written this exact statement about my ex.

 

I really had no clue about the importance of physical chemistry.

[OliveOyl]

Just read the rest of the thread.

 

Since the OP has decided on her course of action, which is to leave the marriage, I see no need to stir things up by telling her H about the A. It sounds like's it's over and done.

[Spark1111]

The bigger question is WHY did you enter into marriage with a man you had no "chemistry" with?

 

Took vows, had children, built a life with? I would venture that before the affair, you looked at your marriage, husband and family life as pretty darn good.

 

Now that you have seemingly discovered sexual chemistry with your AP, you are typically re-writing your marital history.

 

Cabin, you are a cliche.

 

With all the info on the net re: affairs, sexual chemistry, brain chemistry, etc., there is A LOT you could learn here at LS and elsewhere.

 

Unless you just want to be right, in all your assessments of yourself, which is certainly your perogative.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just read the rest of the thread.

 

Since the OP has decided on her course of action, which is to leave the marriage, I see no need to stir things up by telling her H about the A. It sounds like's it's over and done.

 

Except, she is actively participating in marriage counseling with him without divulging that she's having an affair (yes, she just said she's no longer in MC. She has said often that she currently is, though);

 

She says her husband still loves her NOW, wants the marriage, and wants to have sex with her

 

She intends to stay in the marriage, living with her husband, until "things are worked out," which is some undisclosed series of events and time in the future. From what I have gathered, it is going to hinge on when her married sex partner finally leaves his family, which I also gathered will not be until his children are grown.

 

Obviously this bothers me, a lot. Clearly I can't "support" people having affairs and deceiving a clueless spouse. I'm also "against" messing around with a person who is doing that to THEIR spouse. This affair covers both of those bases. But, stuff happens. Unfortunate stuff. Hurtful choices are made which then sometimes are just too hard to back away from.

 

My big problem here is that the OP is just fine, even blithe, about maintaining this status quo ad infinitum so she can keep having her sweaty sex while keeping all the perks of being married to the cuckolded husband.

 

And, my main point is not that she needs to divulge the affair. It is that she should GET OUT of living as man and wife with a guy she is deceiving, who loves and wants her and who is under the impression (because of her efforts) that they are working on their marriage.

 

Aside from the conscious choice of cheating on her husband and getting involved with another woman's husband, she is making a clear, conscious choice every day to keep deceiving her husband WHILE HAVING NO INTENTION OF BEING WITH HIM. Yes, people in affairs do this all the time, but they usually intend to KEEP the marriage and just play on the side (as her affair partner is probably doing). The OP, though, is OUT. She's just taking advantage of the perks as long as it's suitable for her.

 

If her daughter has love for her father, I have a feeling that the relationship between mother and daughter will be a casualty of all this illicit, exciting, sweaty sex, along with the husband's entire ability to trust.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The bigger question is WHY did you enter into marriage with a man you had no "chemistry" with?

 

This is unfortunate, but it's completely forgivable. Lots of marriages, sadly, begin based upon premises that don't hold up over time. I am not "in favor" of just bailing when things get tough in a marriage, but neither do I believe that people MUST stay together in an unfulfilling union because they "vowed" that they would. I only hope that they did take their vows seriously and tried very hard to repair their marriage before deciding to divorce.

 

Once this difficult decision has been made, there are choices to be made about how to handle it with care and respect, or at the very least to minimize pain and destruction for the couple, their families and especially their children.

 

Took vows, had children, built a life with? I would venture that before the affair, you looked at your marriage, husband and family life as pretty darn good.

 

Now that you have seemingly discovered sexual chemistry with your AP, you are typically re-writing your marital history.

 

Cabin, you are a cliche.

 

In this particular case, I have to agree with you.

[Buddie]

So now I'm pretty sure we are totally sexually incompatible. Our MC doesn't think it can be fixed, since chemistry is literally a chemical connection.

 

He recommended I read this: http://www.carolcassell.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=7&Itemid=7 and now I realize I never had that "click" factor with my H.

A few months ago my wife could have pretty much said the same thing about sex with me that you said about sex with your H, but fortunately she did not go to your MC, did not read that book and did not have an affair. Unaware of all this and motivated by the fact that she actually loves me, she was truly open to really working with me on developing our sex life and working on improving our marriage.

 

I'm hoping women who have been in this type of situation can share whether they were able to "reform" their sexual life by meeting a more suitable/compatible partner.

Our decision to “reform” our sexual life with each other instead of with someone else is really starting to pay off. We are now having the best sex that we have ever had in our lives and it is only getting better. I do not know if it will meet your sexual standards, but ignorant of the added benefit of the “new” factor that you get in an affair, she is clearly able to appreciate my renewed efforts. Her recent physical positive response to what we were doing is amazing me. We are kicking ourselves for not waking up to this sooner; all those wasted years of not knowing what we were missing. Now that I am trying some of the good advice given to me in my thread titled “She loves me but” (thank you Kivu and Scaredandalone1223), I can see there is even more to look forward to. Who would have known that waking her to coffee in bed and making her breakfast would make her feel sexy?

 

I'm worried that I'm going to be like this in every relationship down the road, and I want desperately not to be!!

I fear that your worries are well founded. I do not blame you for trying to find happiness but question your approach. I wish you well.

Edited July 24, 2011 by Buddie
Spelling fix

[Cabin]

The bigger question is WHY did you enter into marriage with a man you had no "chemistry" with?

 

Took vows, had children, built a life with? I would venture that before the affair, you looked at your marriage, husband and family life as pretty darn good.

 

I entered the marriage thinking the other factors - companionship, stability - were enough to warrant a lifelong commitment. I was young and not discriminating enough.

 

Our sex life has been practically non-existent for 10 years, so no, I wouldn't say that before the A things were "pretty darn good".

[Cabin]

A few months ago my wife could have pretty much said the same thing about sex with me that you said about sex with your H...

 

Our decision to “reform” our sexual life with each other instead of with someone else is really starting to pay off. We are now having the best sex that we have ever had in our lives and it is only getting better.

 

 

I'm thrilled for you!

May I ask if the spark was there in the beginning and then it trailed off? Or was there never much of a spark for her, and you've managed to ignite one now? I only ask out of curiosity when comparing yours to my situation.

 

Obviously, it would be much easier if I could just find it again my H... but it's the "again" part that is posing problems...

[Tech_E]

Buddie, you have a keeper there my friend! What a refreshing post to read. What a concept? Being honest and sticking to your vows. Seems lost on some people

[luvbun80]

Cabin, I agree with your premises. Several people in this thread have commented that they agreed with them as well. It's encouraging and wonderful that you were able to find love & passion after believing it was impossible for 10 years. But, you have to be able to take those and apply them to your H's point of view. Otherwise, it's not Cabin's new theory of happiness and world peace, it's just Cabin being selfish.

[RealPlastic]

Here's a little story I made-up for Cabin...

 

On a beautiful saturday morning, lovely day, the sun is shining, birds are chirping.

A women named Cabin decides to check her to-do list for the day.

"Oh looky here!" she says "I have to go to the doctors office to get my annual checkup." So off Cabin goes to the hospital.

Upon arriving to the hospital and waiting for the receptionist to call her in.

Cabin has been thinking about all the wonderful things that have been going on in her new life.

10 miniutes go by and the doctor is finally ready to see her.

Cabin walks into the doctors office with a huge heart-warming smile on her face.

And she says to the doctor "Hi!!! doc." the Doctor replies "Hello Cabin, and how are you feeling today?"

With a big smile she replies "I'm feeling fantastic!!!"

So now the Doctor proceeds to give Cabin the usual checkup.

*Soothing background music kicks in*

Finally after 20 minitues of routine checkups, the Doctor opens up Cabin's portfolio. "Hmm..." Doctor says to himself "Oh boy, well this is unfortunate. It seems Cabin has a terrible illness. The worst part is, this terrible illness is untreatable and she will die within 2 days from now."

So the Doctor is now contenplating on what to say. A few thoughts go by but nothing good. Suddenly it hits him, he thought "The best way to handle this would be to not lie but to not tell her the truth either."

As Cabin mumbles about all the good things shes been doing to keep herself healthy. The Doctor looks at Cabin with a grin on his face and says "Welp, everything checks out. Nothing "appears" (as in appearnce wise) to be wrong with you".

So Cabin happily drives home knowing shes got nothing to worry about.

 

2 days later, Cabin's new husband finds her dead in bed.

Lots and lots of tears were been shed that day.

1 week has gone by and Cabin's family has finally received an autopsy, it states "Cabin's death is due to a terrible illness which is untreatable but time of death is estimatable."

Weeks later after griefing about Cabin's death, it suddenly hits Cabin's husband "Prior to 2 days before she past away, she had gone to the doctors office." he thought.

So Cabin's husband decided to investigate even further as to why her doctor was not able to diagnose her properly.

After meeting up with the doctor, Cabin's husband asks in despair "Why Doc! Why didn't you foresee this coming? She came to get her annual checkups, right?" the Doctor replies "Yes, yes she did."

Cabin's husband eyebrow raised as he's desprately waiting for an answer "I'm truely!!! Very very very very sorry!!! I did not tell her the truth. I thought that if she didn't know about her illness that she could die in peace." as the Doctor hesitately replied.

Suddenly Cabin's husband starts to clench his fist, (Censored).

The end!

 

The moral of the story is, the truth hurts but lying hurts even more. I just have to say i'm not one to makeup stories but this I must say was an awsome experience.