Overcoming Fear: my journey

[SpiralOut]

I have come to realize that most of the problems in my life are caused by fear and the way I let it control me.

 

The weird thing is that for years I had no clue that I was fearful. I was in total denial that anything was wrong with me. And now I am realizing I have allowed it to completely control my life and hold me back. I have all of these obstacles standing in my way, and maybe I could have overcome some of them earlier if only I had taken the time to get over them.

 

My main problem right now is social anxiety. I also have serious fears about feeling negative emotions. I have a habit of pushing them away and ignoring them, which over time just makes everything worse and makes me feel screwed up. I saw a counsellor about it a while back, and she told me that it is a defense mechanism. When I was younger I was depressed and suicidal, and I am so afraid of feeling that way again that whenever something bad happens to me I pretend it doesn't bother me so that I can't become depressed about it. Yep, it is quite screwed up.

 

I am focusing on improving my social life and learning how to feel my feelings, even if they scare me.

 

This week my big accomplishment was meeting up with a girl I went to college with, whom I now consider to be a friend. We're looking into yoga classes that we could take together, which I'm excited about.

 

I'll also be meeting up with someone this Sunday to go for a long bike ride. It is someone I've been wanting to be friends with for a long time but somehow could never figure out how to befriend him, and now we're biking together at his suggestion. Hooray.

 

And there is someone that I need to clear the air with. It is too complicated to go into right now. But basically there are hurt feelings to deal with. I'm scared about talking to him about it but next time I see him, I am going to do it.

 

Anyway. I'll be using this thread as a place to talk about my successes or vent about frustrations, so don't mind me.

[D-Lish]

I've lived with fear my whole life- I never realized it was anxiety, just thought it was the way people were. I pushed through life just because I had to- put on an act everyday so people didn't think I was weak.

 

I remember before Basketball/Baseball games in highschool, I used to throw up because I was so full of fear.

 

It wasn't until I was almost 30 that I discovered I didn't have to live that way anymore. I got a diagnosis, and started on some meds- and voila! I gradually began to feel better.

 

I can't even tell you what it was like the day I realized I didn't have that horrible fear/anxiety pulsing through my body anymore. How wonderful that day was. It did take meds, but they helped me. I went off them for a while after thinking I was "cured"... but I am back on them now- because the anxiety and depression came back.

 

I hope you are talking to a Dr. at least- exploring your options. It doesn't have to be meds- not everyone wants to take them.

 

I wish you luck- Looking forward to following your progress.

D

[Forever Learning]

Yes I am very interested and can relate. I will enjoy and learn alot from your posts I am sure. Extra good luck to you on your journey with confronting this!!

[Dooda]

Wow. This is exactly like me. I never knew how much fear and anxiety have been controlling my life until now.

One thing that has helped me to improve greatly and be myself more and realize that I am capable of certain things is the distance I've gained from my family, since most of my problems stem from them and the horrible feelings I have towards them.

 

Find out what is bothering you, find the root cause of your feelings of distress, and try your best to understand more and more why you feel the way you do.

I found what really helped me a couple of nights was writing down all what I felt, no matter what it was. I felt slightly more enlightened and I felt an emotional maturity I hadn't felt in a long time.

 

A lot of people live in fear. It's what this society and the way we were raised puts upon us. We are afraid of success, or accomplishments, because failure doesn't seem like an option. It's those that can eventually escape the fear that will live their lives to the fullest.

[Cee]

I'm glad you started this thread about fear. I look forward to reading about your progress.

 

I've deal with worry and anxiety for my whole life and I think I finally have it licked. Only took 40 years.

 

You confronting your fears is a good strategy. I've had to walk through the fear to make progress although I also get help from a medication.

[SpiralOut]

Well I feel better knowing I am not the only one dealing with this.

 

Today I went out to meet someone for a bike ride. I was nervous about it all week. I left my cell at home and he texted me ten minutes after I left to ask to meet up later since he overslept. So I didn't get the message until I got home. Darn. Anyway I'm glad that I went out anyway because I had this fear that he wouldn't show up, or that it would be awkward, or that I would forget how to get to our meeting spot since I'd only been there once and I'm bad with direction. For some reason I always get very anxious when meeting in an unfamiliar spot. This morning when I woke up, I didn't even want to go out today. But I made myself. And when he didn't show up i was like oh well maybe he overslept or something. It is ridiculously hot today anyway so I was sort of glad to be able to go back home right away.

 

Yesterday I had more anxiety over leaving my apartment. I don't know why I get like that but it's like I feel worried that I won't be able to accomplish what I want to do and then i'll have accomplished nothing and wasted my time. So I left the apartment later than I wanted to, because I was procrastinating leaving. I got some stuff done and it was so hot that I went home to drop off my stuff and wait until it cooled off outside. Then I went out again to get more things. Normally I only go out once to try and do everything all at once (that's due to my all-or-nothing thinking) but I actually went out twice yesterday.

 

Tomorrow I need to face more anxiety as someone from work just got fired. I work at a high-stress company where people can get fired over something that has little to do with their job performance and everything to do with their attitude. I always feel on edge right after someone was fired, especially since this girl seemed to be doing a good job. Ughh..

 

Right now I am feeling more anxious because I have more things to do. I don't know why I left myself feel so anxious over everyday things. I really need to call my counsellor tomorrow to set up an appointment. it has been several months since i've been in.

[D-Lish]

You are not the only one feeling this way- a lot of people do.

You really should talk to someone about what you're going through!

 

I really think seeing your Dr. would help as well.

[whichwayisup]

I too, am an anxiety sufferer..Probably had bouts of it all my life, looking back into my teens and early 20's, and 30's it makes sense but back then I didn't know what it was. It's amazing actually how many people suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder.

 

I did seek help and did CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and it saved me. I now know how to handle the attacks, the fears and do my best not to let it ruin me..Though I do know it comes in waves still, depending on the stress level in my life and also where I am in my cycle (hormones and anxiety go hand in hand sometimes and it's out of my control)..

 

The biggest thing is understanding anxiety and not letting it control you. Not being afraid of the physical feelings it brings on.

 

Anxiety is something I will have to deal with and live with for the rest of my life.. It never really goes away completely but I'm much better equipped to handle it.

 

I still have some hang ups and fears, but I take it one day at a time.. No longer do therapy but I come here and post or talk to friends who truly understand what I'm going through.

 

You are doing GREAT, so keep on pushing yourself, do baby steps and most of all, make a big deal of your accomplishments! It's important to have positive thoughts and feelings, something you can build upon!

 

Stay cool.

[whichwayisup]

You are not the only one feeling this way- a lot of people do.

You really should talk to someone about what you're going through!

 

I really think seeing your Dr. would help as well.

 

I agree. Google Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and anxiety, see what comes up in your City.

 

Whatever issues that have led to you feel this way can be dealt with.. Much of what us anxiety suffers (not leaving the house, being agrophobic at times) is a learned behaviour. Every single time you give in and not push yourself, you're giving yourself permission that it's okay 'not go' .. Have you ever filled out a TEA form? Google that too, there are many sites that offer various questions that help you figure out where you are on the anxiety scale..

 

Journaling is so helpful too, because once you get out your fears, see WHY you're afraid to go out of the house, what's the worst that can happen -- You can see a pattern and do something to change it. My T (therapist) was big on exposure therapy but in small steps.

 

Go talk to someone, it'll really help you.

[SpiralOut]

I googled TEA form, and I recognize it as something one of my counsellors gave me to fill out earlier this year. I didn't really do my homework with it because I am bad like that, I mean writing down incidents and feelings, I never did that. But I did look at it and I can see that I have distorted thought patterns.

 

This week I feel is going well. I am feeling more comfortable around some coworkers I don't normally converse with that often. It takes me so long to warm up to people that sometimes they give up on me. But anyway yeah I am feeling good about that.

 

There is a guy at work that I think might be flirting with me?? He is usually playful with me and I'm sort of the same way back now that I feel more comfortable around him. Anyway I don't really like him that way, since I'm not looking right now, it's just fun to do. I have spent the past year feeling fearful of intimate situations, because things with my ex-boyfriend were THAT BAD . . . then after we broke up it's like I felt scared that I would never feel sexy again. Anyway I sure fixed that after one of my old ''friends'' was in town the other week and we got it on. I am a bit rusty but I haven't lost it, so that's good news. Sorry if that was TMI.

 

One more VERY significant thing happened this week. My relationship with my brother has been very distant (emotionally) for many, many years. Over the past couple years we have been slowly becoming better around each other, and last night it was his birthday. Normally I send a card but this time I decided, you know what, I will just call him. I have NEVER called him before. Which is sad, considering how old we both are. But anyway. We talked for an hour and it was so wonderful that I felt excited for the rest of the night. I feel like crying just writing about it. I don't know why I felt so scared to try and be close to my brother. I guess I felt scared that he would reject me. Which is stupid because I know how loves me.

 

Clearly I have issues.

 

I keep procrastinating making my counselling appointment because in order to do that I would have to take a bit of time off work and for some reason I get very anxious about changing my schedule, ESPECIALLY my work schedule since my job is what keeps me sane. Tomorrow I find out what my work schedule will be next week since it is changing. Then I'll be able to call and make an appointment. Sigh. I don't know why I make such a big deal over stupid things like this.

Edited July 22, 2011 by SpiralOut

[HeavenOrHell]

I've suffered with anxiety (and mild-moderate depression) all my life, mostly social anxiety, mild agoraphobia, also general anxiety disorder (if I had to put a label on it, helps to explain what it is). I've been challenging myself to the things I fear, I made it abroad last year for the first time (on my own too), something I thought I'd never do. I challenge myself with work as well and doing new things.

It sounds like you're doing well and trying to tackle it

I'm meeting a new friend today which I'm a bit nervous about, and my insomnia is so bad I really don't feel like going, but I will try to make myself.

Keep us posted on your progress

[SpiralOut]

It helps to hear from others with the same problem. I had no idea it was so common. I've always thought that everyone else is normal and I'm just this freak who can't handle everyday things. But maybe life isn't so easy for everyone after all.

 

Tomorrow I am meeting the friend for biking again. Hopefully this time it will turn out. I am a little bit nervous because I need to go meet him after work, which stresses me out because I am so used to just doing whatever I want after work. It's like there's this part of me that doesn't want to let go of my free time to give to others. Maybe it's a bit of selfishness, or maybe it's the anxiety, I don't know. I almost told him to just forget it but then I figure once I actually go, I'll probably have a good time.

 

On Thursday I am meeting an online friend I've been chatting with occasionally for the past few years. He asked to meet up so I figure, why the hell not? What is the worst that can happen? I am not too excited about it, but again, maybe I'll have a good time.

 

This week at work I have a different shift with my lunchbreak happening at a different time, so I have different people to chat with. There are some other women I get along with very well so I'm starting to feel like there's a place for me there. At my last workplace I felt like I did not fit in at all. So the fact that I do here just feels so good.

 

I've also been putting effort towards doing nice things for myself. My self worth has been so low for so long that I need to boost it back up big time.

[SpiralOut]

Today I met up with my biking buddy and I had a really great time. Not only did I bike farther than usual and get the endorphins pumping but we had good conversation while we were biking. I really like talking to people while I am doing something else. It puts less pressure on me to make sure to always have something to say. I think from now on when I try and befriend people I'll take this approach of doing actual activities. Anyway, we both said we had a good time, so I'm happy again. We're going to meet up again at some point to do that about that. Ah! I was nervous for nothing!

[SpiralOut]

Tonight I just cancelled on the person I was supposed to meet. This is an example of when fear can be handy. Sometimes instincts mean something.

 

It is someone I've been chatting with occasionally online for the past 4 years. I know it is 4 yeras because that's what he told me. Which makes me wonder, why is he keeping track of time like that? Anyway. He asked me to meet up a few nights ago. we were chatting on msn. He mentioned that in the past 4 years we've been chatting he's only asked me 2-3 times to meet up. So I was like oh okay I don't see why not.

 

Last night we were chatting again confirming our meetup time. I gave him my cell and I told him it is so he can text me the next day if one of us is running late or whatever. He makes a joke about how he gets the hint, about how I don't want him calling me I just want him to text me. I then say I have to go. Two seconds later my phone rings and it's him. I was in such shock that I didn't know what to say. I just agreed to our plans again, not telling him how upset I was (when I probably should have). He said something about "okay I just wanted to find out about . . . [whatever it was he said]"

 

Today I felt so bad thinking about it that I texted him to cancel. I don't like the way he intentionally called me when he knew that I did not want him to. I also feel manipulated by the way he mentioned how he hardly ever asks to meet up with me. I just have a bad feeling overall.

 

I have dealt with enough "friendships" already where one person will push my boundaries on purpose and then try to laugh or joke or act cute or make excuses for why they are doing something they know I don't want them to do. It makes me feel disrespected.

[SpiralOut]

So today I finally made the phone call to schedule a counselling appointment. The person who does the scheduling wasn't there, so I left a message. This is what usually happens; i leave a message, and they call me back within a few days. So I'm glad that I finally did that so all I need to do now is wait for the callback.

 

Then I contacted my companies insurance company to ask them about vision coverage. Their phone lines weren't open when I went to call, so I emailed them and they will respond within 3-5 days.

 

I hate making phone calls, so this was big for me. I put off calling the student loans services since I am still a little too afraid to deal with that whole financial mess. I'll do that later this week.

 

I think the biggest challenge for me this week is learning to be a leader at work. The other woman I work with is on vacation this week, which makes me the most senior person in my department. Everyone was asking me questions all day. Thank goodness I have taken the time to understand things properly at work and remember things so that I am able to answer most questions. It stresses me out a little bit because I am afraid of making a mistake or getting someone else into trouble. Worst of all would be looking stupid if I don't know the answer to a simple question.

 

I have never been comfortable with being a leader; my entire life I have sat in the wings even if I can see that I know something just as good or better than someone else, I would rather let them take over. But this week I have no choice. It feels sort of good though, to have people listen to me and trust me.

 

I want to share a quote that is a source of inspiration to me: the Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune" novel.

 

Litany Against Fear

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

[SpiralOut]

Okay another update. I have to do something tomorrow that I am so nervous about.

 

There is this guy I work with who made some comments that made me feel extremely uncomfortable today. I have spoken with a couple of friends about it and the general consensus is that what he said could be interpreted as sexual harassment.

 

Tomorrow I will pull him aside to speak with him privately and explain to him that his comments made me uncomfortable and he needs to stop making them around me.

 

I am not looking forward to this. Actually I am not even worried that much about what I will say, so much as I am worried about how to do this without humiliating him. I need to make sure that nobody overhears us or realizes that I am even speaking to him privately at all, because then they will ask questions or gossip or whatever.

 

I can not under any circumstances allow him to walk on me (he basically admitted that he knew he shouldn't be talking about it around me). At the same time I cannot humiliate him or else a) he'll hate me and b)other people will be nervous around me

 

I have never had to set boundaries like this before. I'm not looking forward to doing it but I know that I'm going to feel amazing afterwards. I don't want to be that girl that everybody walks on!! Not anymore!

[SpiralOut]

I spoke with the guy who was crossing boundaries and he aplogized. I am not sure of how sincere he actually was but whatever. I spoke with another woman at work about it just so someone else knows about the stiuation that is going on and I feel much better now.

 

I am now going through the motions of getting my health back on track. I have a few concerns that need to be looked at. I have a counselling appointment in a couple more weeks. I'm still researching dentists since for some reason I am fearful of trying to find a new dentist (the last place I went to was awful). Then i need to find myself a doctor so I can talk to him/her about some health issues that I don't really awnt to know about. I would rather just pretend nothing is wrong, but something is obviously not qutie right. Ugh.

 

I guess that's all for now. I went to yoga class with a friend this week and it totally de-stressed me and just made me feel more balanced with my life overall. I think it was because it forced me to deal with the present moment and focus on my body instead of distracting myself with computers and tv and work and talking. It was awesome. So I'll be doing that again next week.

 

Oh yeah my finances sort of freak me out too. I still need to call the student loans office since I don't make enough money to give them the monthly payments they want. I might have to take on another job but I'm worried if I do that I'll go crazy. I'll worry about that later, though. I need to take care of this health stuff first.

[niccon]

Hi spiralout,

 

We all get nervous occasionally usually in a nice simple relationship to our experience and to a woman's attractiveness. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that nervousness isn’t a good thing.

 

We have to learn to consume our negative thoughts with positive ones. Some people think that who you become in your early childhood is who you will remain, unchanged, the rest of your life. That is not true. We all are sets of habits – thinking, doing, whatever – and those habits are set when you are young. But, while difficult, you can BREAK your habits and establish new ones.

 

So we’re going to BREAK OUR BAD HABITS. The negative cycles and beliefs you carry around with you, always lurking on the edge of consciousness. ALL that negativity is built on FALSE BELIEFS set by early experience and cultural reinforcement. We’vegot to face them and most importantly CHANGE them.

 

Practising VISUALIZATION and various exercises will do that for you. These will help tremendously to get rid of your limiting beliefs. Accentuate the positive always for long-term success!

[SpiralOut]

Just a quick update.

 

I spoke with my counsellor about some personal revelations I've had this year. One of them is that I tend to have extreme moodswings. It is something I've been trying to ignore but the truth is that I don't think something is right and it scares me.

 

I am now supposed to keep a daily record of my moods. Then after some time has passed, I'll have something to show my doctor. The doctor will then do some blood tests or whatever it is they do. My counsellor was talking to me about the possibility of medication.

[brokendreamz]

Hey everyone, Thought I'd chip in here!

 

For as long as I can remember (I'm 34) I have suffered with severe anxiety and a mild form of depression - although until my fiancé left me (due to these factors) I had no Idea that what I felt wasn't normal.

 

When she left I hit a severe depression which prompted a visit to my GP. He prescribed citalopram and talking therapy.

 

After 9 months of hard work (exercise, meds, meditation, therapy, healthy diet and lots of stepping out of comfort zones) I can honestly say I am a different person.

 

It feels so liberating to be living the life I was only able to watch others enjoy and while I am not quite 100% there I know that I will keep striving to at least keep up this level of change.

 

I need to be careful with how much I drink (and I do like a party!) but that is a small price to pay for the life I am now able to enjoy!!

 

I hope this serves as a source of hope for anyone at the beginning of their journey- believe me, if I can get through it, so can you :0)

[SpiralOut]

I just re-read this entire thread and am feeling inspired by all of your stories of overcoming fear. This in particular resonates with me.

 

 

A lot of people live in fear. It's what this society and the way we were raised puts upon us. We are afraid of success, or accomplishments, because failure doesn't seem like an option. It's those that can eventually escape the fear that will live their lives to the fullest.

 

Many of my fears are about being successful. I've been writing almost every day and as I reflect on my life in my writings, I see that I don't want to be successful because in the past people would often get upset with me if I was good at something. I remember other people my age would always get so mad at me and complain about me being good at this or that. Sometimes they would even put me down for it. I've always had this deep-seated feeling that in order for people to like me I need to be mediocre. I can't be too good or people will think I'm trying to show off.

 

Part of that also though is fear of failure. What if I finally decide to be as great as I think I could be at something (writing, for example) and then realize that I'm not so good after all?

 

Anyway. I've been avoiding tracking my moods like I should be because I'm fearful of what I might discover about myself if I do. So that's my new goal, is to just track my emotions and not think too much of it. So what if I have a chemical imbalance (like my counsellor suggested I may have)? Knowing about it will help me to fix it. Yes.