So messed up right now. .

[Tenacity]

Wow. I have read this entire thread and I think people are being pretty brutal to this person.

 

Yes, A's are wrong. But many of us here have gone down that road one way or another and that's why we're here. This poster is for real... I could tell she wasn't a troll right away. Why can't she ask for help and some understanding the same as the rest of us?

 

OP... who knows why your MM asked you to have his child. Maybe as a way of holding on to you. Maybe for some reason we will never understand. It doesn't matter what the reason was, though. YOU know it's wrong (I can tell from your post) and YOU aren't going to do it. So, please stop wondering why because you probably won't ever get resolution on that.

 

I do know what it's like to be addicted to someone, and even more so, I know what it's like to stay in an unhealthy relationship because it is so much less painful than ending it, facing a life without that feeling and having to really deal with your issues. But you HAVE TO DO IT. You just do.

 

You have to stop thinking about today and do the really hard thing, and think about where you will be one year from now, two years, five years... if you continue on this path. There's not much good to look forward to, if you really think about it, is there?

 

You have too much going on and you need to focus on your own life first. Get out of your marriage. I am not going to judge anything regarding your marriage as I don't know the situation, but from what you said, the time has come to cut your losses and get out. THEN... move on with your life. One thing at a time, one step at a time.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Good luck to you.

[Goldenspoon]

Questions:

 

1) Is this OM black?

 

2) Does OM have a college degree and a decent job?

[TurboGirl]

OP,

ignore the mean nasty posts and try & take the good. I do understand the addiction thing. One year after I broke if off with the guy I was addicted to...(like 20 years back) he sent me a card and I literally had a panic attack and was a crying mess. Brought back all those feelings. What I took from that - any guy who is just soooo perfect and wonderful and evokes those feelings is not for me. They are manipulators and con men! Totally self serving and selfish... narcissistic to the HILT!

 

Ahhhh so this began as a revenge affair. I see... this MM knows how to play you, and knows just what to say & how to manipulate. Seriously... breaking off with him would be the best thing and then figure out what you are doing with your H. I am sensing that neither one of these men are worth your time.

 

Yeah I know you will miss the attention and the sex and the comfort, but don't you think it's time to put on the big girl boots and take control of your life?

 

What the one person wrote... about him cheating on his wife with you... and the wife is pregnant! WTF! So true - and he would do it to you as well. That alone would send me over the edge. Sorry, but what a pig. I know how that must make you feel. This is ripping down your self esteem, your self worth... and a situation like this chips away at you and what YOU know is good and right, and one day you wake up and look at yourself, and your self esteem is gone, your values & morals along with it.

 

Ditch the MM. Difficult, yes yes yes but doable. Try & figure out what is happening with your marriage and if it is not working, and your H refuses to try, then end it. There are good and worthy men out there.

[Sharon1961]

OP,

What the one person wrote... about him cheating on his wife with you... and the wife is pregnant! WTF! So true - and he would do it to you as well. That alone would send me over the edge. Sorry, but what a pig. I know how that must make you feel. This is ripping down your self esteem, your self worth... and a situation like this chips away at you and what YOU know is good and right, and one day you wake up and look at yourself, and your self esteem is gone, your values & morals along with it.

 

Ditch the MM. Difficult, yes yes yes but doable. Try & figure out what is happening with your marriage and if it is not working, and your H refuses to try, then end it. There are good and worthy men out there.

 

What a good response, TurboGirl.

 

OP, try and ignore the nasty remarks. People just didn't read far enough along to recognize that you are caught in a bad situation and have no intention of inflicting this on a baby.

 

Read and re-read the part I bolded above. I think you have lost yourself. But you can still get you back. It's not a simple thing so don't get discouraged. Just take it one day at a time.

 

Wish I could give you a hug!!!!!!

[MissBee]

Thank you so much for your very helpful post. I appreciate not being attacked and having some understanding from someone.

 

You are right, I am addicted to him and it's a terrible experience really. I do want to get back to a place where I am confident and able to say what I need and want with no doubt in my mind that I can have it because I should have it and deserve it.

 

I have been afraid to end this relationship because I know that once I do, things are not going to be perfect or even "ok" at home and I will miss his company and go through withdrawals, depression, and anxiety but I know that I need to do this for myself and for my marriage.

 

Like I said before, I do want to repair my marriage but we have been working on this and we have a very, very unique situation and I am having doubts that my marriage can work at all. Things were very bad before I started this stupid affair and really being with this guy has helped me to be a little happier and not feel as lonely. So I am scared to end it even though I know deep down inside that doing so will bring me to a happier place where I can heal and decide if I want to get a divorce or work on my dysfunctional marriage. Such a hard situation.

 

I can imagine how hard it is, and this affair/this man provides a security blanket...a false one though, as it cannot go on forever and sooner or later, shyt will hit the fan, especially with your state of mind and ESPECIALLY if you decide to get pregnant.

 

I know running towards the withdrawal isn't exciting BUT you will survive.

 

I think a start would be to seek individual counseling so you can get things off your chest and you can start building up your strength and confidence and can gain some much needed clarity on where you need to be. Start taking care of YOU! Not your husband, not this man. Because at the end of the day, if you don't get you together, you have nothing to give to anyone.

 

I think once you start counseling and working through things, you will find the strength and perspective to either work on things with your husband or be brave enough to decide it's not for you and move on, as well as realize that this married man is not for you and move on. Lots of people are scared to let even the bad go, because the bad something feels better than the unknown or what is perceived as "nothing". But in reality, it's not nothing. It's a new life, new direction, new beginning, where you can choose what you want and deserve versus settling for what is being offered or holding on to what is there, even if it isn't great.

 

Do you have friends? Perhaps you should start hanging out with them, doing activities that make you feel good, that are about you: getting a pedicure, going to the gym, getting a massage, doing yoga, going to counseling, having lunch with friends, meditating etc. Anything that is healthy for you and helps you to love you. I don't know what your husband does or thinks or feels or if your relationship is worth saving, but I think a start to rebuilding is to rediscover YOU and that may make him more attracted and open up more, as he sees the person he once dated. Cut the married man off and dive into your own thing, cook a nice dinner for your husband, invite him to watch a movie with you, he may not be receptive at first but continue doing you, until it gets to a point where you can bring up the marriage. Bottom line....get counseling and start taking care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. Be it that, you leave your husband as nothing can be salvaged, leave this married man and rebuild with hubby OR leave them both and forge your own path not dependent upon the ambivalent feelings of men that can't give you what you want.

Edited July 16, 2011 by MissBee

[TurboGirl]

The first bolded section: First you say you never considered it and than you openly admit to have considered it when he first asked you. Nobody is being rude I am just pointing out exactly what you said.

 

KIDS ARE NOT SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH

 

Second bolded section:Your actions can potentially destroy your children's lives. You can claim you are a good mother till you are blue in the face but your actions say otherwise.

 

 

Third bolded section: People are defined by their actions not who they believe they can be. You are using your H, blaming him for marriage problem, your affair, and your problems. This are not characteristics of a good caring person. He may be 50% responsible for your marriage problems but you are 100% responsible for how you are handling them, which includes banging a MM. Cheating is a character flaw, your H didn't make you do it. In another post you claim your H is cruel but I what you are doing is far worse than anything I have ever heard of. You may not realize it but you are just as cruel

 

You cannot trick your H into staying married to you. You are just using him. You made the claim that he is

 

 

You, aasdg, are a complete and total rude jackazz. I guess it makes you feel superior and good about yourself to come on here and beat on people. And YOU are a pretty cruel and unhelpful person. the OP came here for help not to be bashed upon and judged.

[bentnotbroken]

Please do not be rude with me. I came here for help which is very hard to do! I am NOT considering having this mans child. I said that I might if we were together and no longer married to other people. When he asked me I was surprised that I considered it but as soon as I went home I told myself that I couldn't do it. It's like he puts me under some kind of spell and I act irrationally. It's hard to explain because I do not understand it at all.

 

I do not believe that kids are some toy that you play with. I have children of my own who I love very much. I am a good mother and I do not want to have another child under these circumstances. It would be a terrible way for a child to be raised. I know this.

It's not about decency. There would be nothing good that could come out of telling him about the affair. Doing so would just tear apart my marriage, that is already hanging my a thread as it is. What I want to do is continue going to marriage counseling without having most of my heart attached to this other guy. Telling my husband would do no good. If he cheated I would not want to know either. I couldn't handle it and neither could he.

 

Also, I have done selfish things by having an affair, yes, but that does not define me. I am not a selfish person. I give to my kids and husband all day and I have tried my very best to fix our marriage. An affair happened because of deep pain and neglect in my marriage which led to very low self-esteem and depression. Of course I felt better about myself when a handsome man came onto me and told me everything I wanted to hear. It's completely natural. I should have had the brains to stop it before it got this far. I am human and I make mistakes and I am trying my best to fix it now which is what is important!

 

:eek::eek:It is not about decency????Wow. You say your husband is immature and the counselors say your marriage won't survive because of this...what do they say about you? FYI, the affair happened because you allowed it. Not anything your husband did or didn't do. We have all had crap in our lives, how we deal with it and then own those choices are what makes us different. Some of us withdraw, others self medicate, others go celibate, others divorce, still others choose to cheat. Own your choices.

 

You can keep your affair a secret from your husband, cause you already said your marriage can't be saved because he won't make changes....then leave and stop the excuse that telling would damage your marriage. You don't tell because you don't want the fallout. You get to blame your marriage failure on your husband, while he wont' be the wiser that you added your own nails to the coffin. Again owning one's choices.

 

You talk about what he can't handle...you are projecting. Maybe he can(even if you can't)and it would require you to accept your actions. You don't really want to do that do you? Hence the involvement with a man who's wife was pregnant. A baby, his baby, growing inside her and her joy was tainted by.....get this, actions of two people who will continue to cover their behinds in the name of "protecting" the betrayed spouses.

 

It amazes me that when we make choices to get married, have children and create family, we expect a medal for doing what is part of the job description. So what you give to your children and husband. Isn't that what you signed up for? Again, the decisions. Of course we all want a standing ovation for doing the extraordinary...for the most part, raising children and being married ain't it. If he is so dag gone pathetic as a partner that professionals are telling you, that you are wasting your time....then it appears you need to move on.

 

Don't use him as your security from the unknown. You don't want him. If MM is kicked to the curb, you will be right there with waiting for that future with him and any potential children(though he has proven he will cheat on his wife when she is vulnerable and pregnant..swell guy:sick:). Go back and read your post. You are simply looking for the easy option, not the one that allows everyone to live an authentic life while making choices for themselves. You want to make decisions for you life and theirs....not fair by a long shot.

[TurboGirl]

I thought assdf gave an honest assessment of how they saw things. tHey just didn't sugar coat it and try to dress it up and tie it with a bow. Do you not think it would be good for the poster to get a dose of reality?

 

Frankly I think he enjoys bashing - even after the OP asked not to be slammed and said repeatedly that she isn't having this MM's baby! Also pretty judgmental, and I'm certain that aasf isn't GOD and in no position to judge.

[sandrawg]

Oh man-this sounds horrible. You are both cheating on your spouses..HIS wife is pregnant, and now you want to bring a child into this? I'm not trying to be judgmental, but do you realize what a mess you'd be bringing a child into?

 

What kind of father can you expect him to be, when you don't even get his full attention?

 

What are you 2 doing-why don't you both get out of your miserable marriages. Spend some time as partners..living the day to day boring life of a couple, and see if you can make it work for a while. THEN maybe consider having a child.

 

Sounds like you're both living in some fantasy world, frankly. You both sound addicted to the clandestine, part-time nature of your relationship. Neither of you have to deal with each other at your worst..because it's part-time, you can be on your best behavior. S*** gets real when you're living together-who knows, in that kind of situation, you may not even be compatible. Please don't bring yet another person into this messy situation.

[sandrawg]

If you really want out of this affair, it's quite simple. You tell him you're done. You block his number, email, etc., and go No Contact.

 

It sounds like your husband may be abusive, from what you're saying. I was with an abusive man for a year. Instead of staying with the abuser, but attempting to get the affection you need from someone else, you need to walk away from the abuser as well.

 

Honey, you need some serious time alone to heal from all this mess and figure out who you are. I understand the need to not be alone, but until we can be alone with ourselves and feel happy that way, it'll be impossible for us to find healthy relationship. Are you in therapy, if you don't mind me asking?

 

God am I not being clear!?!?!?!?!? I NEVER said I could pass this child off as being my husbands. I never for a moment thought that would be possible. Hello? I am STILL taking my pill. Get a grip! I do not want to have this mans child! I am concerned because he asked me to and am trying to find a way out. It has gone too far!

 

I am not turned on by him having sex with his wife. I told him I didn't want to hear about it. But come on people....you'd have to be an idiot to think a man was not sleeping with his wife on the side too. I know damn well he was. Most men will get it whenever and however they can. I am not an idiot and from what I can see men can compartmentalize things a hell of a lot easier than women. What about Arnold? His wife and mistress had babies at the same time? Sick? Yes! But it happens! I am NOT turned on by it at all. I have cried about it. I have asked myself, "what the hell are you doing?"

 

I really do not care what you buy or do not buy. You are not in my shoes. Had I not been through this, I never would be able to understand or sympathize with these feelings. It is like a drug this whole experience. Today he has texted me and i have yet to respond. I came her for some support, help and accountability and I do not need to be judged. I already feel bad enough. And for the last time.....I AM NOT HAVING HIS BABY!

[LovelyGirlx0]

Why would you post about the whole "he wants to have a baby with me" if you never intended to even consider it? Trying to find a way out? HELLO - tell him that is sick and you would never do that to a child or to yourself or to your H. Did you really need feedback from strangers to help with that?

 

He isn't sleeping with his wife on the side; that is you He is sleeping with you on the side because he is married to his wife.

 

You came here for support...for what? To tell you how great it is you are sleeping with a pregnant woman's husband? I am honestly not understanding what you want help with? Ending the affair? Again, that's easy - SAY NO. If you can clearly grasp that he is have sex with his wife, why can't you easily see that the way to end the affair is to say ENOUGH?

 

So you claim your H cheated...did he tell you he did?

 

Why won't you give him the same courtesy and tell him you are cheating and have been for 1.5 years? Give him the same opportunity he gave you - the chance to decide if he wants to continue to be married to you. You obviously chose to 'forgive' him, even though you thought it was a good idea to have a revenge affair. Maybe he will decide he wants out. if your marriage is so unhappy, why not divorce instead of you each choosing to cheat on the other? Tell the MM you are leaving your H and want him to leave his wife...see what he says? Maybe you two will run off together and you can have that baby that he wants you to have.

 

I brought up the baby part because it's a huge reason why I want to end it. When you are in love with someone or "addicted" to them, it's not that easy to end it.

 

Yes, he is sleeping with me on the side. I miss-spoke.

 

I came here for support because even doing the right thing can be a very hard thing to do. I know I am not the only person who has been through this and I need support getting through it and working through the feelings. I am not sure why you are being so hateful. I came here for help and if you're unwilling to give it please do not respond to my posts.

 

I found out that he had cheated and he would not admit it to me for a long time. He acted like it was no big deal and became very cold. Our relationship has been what I would say non-existent for 1.5 years. Me and the OM have been together for a year.

[LovelyGirlx0]

Wow. I have read this entire thread and I think people are being pretty brutal to this person.

 

Yes, A's are wrong. But many of us here have gone down that road one way or another and that's why we're here. This poster is for real... I could tell she wasn't a troll right away. Why can't she ask for help and some understanding the same as the rest of us?

 

OP... who knows why your MM asked you to have his child. Maybe as a way of holding on to you. Maybe for some reason we will never understand. It doesn't matter what the reason was, though. YOU know it's wrong (I can tell from your post) and YOU aren't going to do it. So, please stop wondering why because you probably won't ever get resolution on that.

 

I do know what it's like to be addicted to someone, and even more so, I know what it's like to stay in an unhealthy relationship because it is so much less painful than ending it, facing a life without that feeling and having to really deal with your issues. But you HAVE TO DO IT. You just do.

 

You have to stop thinking about today and do the really hard thing, and think about where you will be one year from now, two years, five years... if you continue on this path. There's not much good to look forward to, if you really think about it, is there?

 

You have too much going on and you need to focus on your own life first. Get out of your marriage. I am not going to judge anything regarding your marriage as I don't know the situation, but from what you said, the time has come to cut your losses and get out. THEN... move on with your life. One thing at a time, one step at a time.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Good luck to you.

 

You're right. I probably will never know why. It bugs me and honestly I wish that I could be with him and I wish he wasn't taken. I wish all of this wasn't so difficult. But then I know that we would probably never trust each other if we did end up being together. The entire situation is unfortunate.

 

Nope, there is not much to look forward to if I continue down this path. All I really want is to know if my husband is really, truly willing to work on our relationship. If not, I want the freedom to move up and have a separation and divorce that is not too messy for the sake of our kids.

[bentnotbroken]

A none existence relationship with your husband should mean you have no problems walking away from something that does not exist....right? I mean what are you hanging around for, there is nothing to stick around for. These are your words...no?

[LovelyGirlx0]

Questions:

 

1) Is this OM black?

 

2) Does OM have a college degree and a decent job?

 

 

1. No, the other man is not black.

 

2. Yes and yes.

 

I'm not sure what you're getting at with this.. I'm surprised if you're expressing any racism in this post. Plenty of white, educated and working husbands and wives cheat on their husbands. Just pull up the news one day and I am sure you will read about some rich man/woman, congressman, white/black/asian etc, etc who has cheated.

[LovelyGirlx0]

A none existence relationship with your husband should mean you have no problems walking away from something that does not exist....right? I mean what are you hanging around for, there is nothing to stick around for. These are your words...no?

 

I want to make sure that when we walk away, the kids are protected. I want this to be something that we both agree to and that we can enter into a divorce that isn't as ugly as some of the ones I have seen or heard about.

[LovelyGirlx0]

OP,

ignore the mean nasty posts and try & take the good. I do understand the addiction thing. One year after I broke if off with the guy I was addicted to...(like 20 years back) he sent me a card and I literally had a panic attack and was a crying mess. Brought back all those feelings. What I took from that - any guy who is just soooo perfect and wonderful and evokes those feelings is not for me. They are manipulators and con men! Totally self serving and selfish... narcissistic to the HILT!

 

Ahhhh so this began as a revenge affair. I see... this MM knows how to play you, and knows just what to say & how to manipulate. Seriously... breaking off with him would be the best thing and then figure out what you are doing with your H. I am sensing that neither one of these men are worth your time.

 

Yeah I know you will miss the attention and the sex and the comfort, but don't you think it's time to put on the big girl boots and take control of your life?

 

What the one person wrote... about him cheating on his wife with you... and the wife is pregnant! WTF! So true - and he would do it to you as well. That alone would send me over the edge. Sorry, but what a pig. I know how that must make you feel. This is ripping down your self esteem, your self worth... and a situation like this chips away at you and what YOU know is good and right, and one day you wake up and look at yourself, and your self esteem is gone, your values & morals along with it.

 

Ditch the MM. Difficult, yes yes yes but doable. Try & figure out what is happening with your marriage and if it is not working, and your H refuses to try, then end it. There are good and worthy men out there.

 

Yes, I totally agree with you. I feel like I can do this. Thank you for your support. I feel much stronger about it. In some ways I feel more confident after being with this man but I know it's a false confidence and it quickly goes away when we have (short) periods of time of not seeing each other. Man this is a pain. I know it is all my fault and I really hope that one day I can have a good relationship with someone who loves me. I am not an evil person and I can admit my mistakes. I just hope all of this works. I am sorry about the situation you were in but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Thank you.

[LovelyGirlx0]

What a good response, TurboGirl.

 

OP, try and ignore the nasty remarks. People just didn't read far enough along to recognize that you are caught in a bad situation and have no intention of inflicting this on a baby.

 

Read and re-read the part I bolded above. I think you have lost yourself. But you can still get you back. It's not a simple thing so don't get discouraged. Just take it one day at a time.

 

Wish I could give you a hug!!!!!!

 

 

Wow....I am in tears right now. I would love a hug but a cyber one will do. haha! I will remember that, yes she did have good words to say. Today has been a tough day but I have been withdrawing from the relationship and because of that I am sure to have some tough days ahead - it will get better though!

[LovelyGirlx0]

I can imagine how hard it is, and this affair/this man provides a security blanket...a false one though, as it cannot go on forever and sooner or later, shyt will hit the fan, especially with your state of mind and ESPECIALLY if you decide to get pregnant.

 

I know running towards the withdrawal isn't exciting BUT you will survive.

 

I think a start would be to seek individual counseling so you can get things off your chest and you can start building up your strength and confidence and can gain some much needed clarity on where you need to be. Start taking care of YOU! Not your husband, not this man. Because at the end of the day, if you don't get you together, you have nothing to give to anyone.

 

I think once you start counseling and working through things, you will find the strength and perspective to either work on things with your husband or be brave enough to decide it's not for you and move on, as well as realize that this married man is not for you and move on. Lots of people are scared to let even the bad go, because the bad something feels better than the unknown or what is perceived as "nothing". But in reality, it's not nothing. It's a new life, new direction, new beginning, where you can choose what you want and deserve versus settling for what is being offered or holding on to what is there, even if it isn't great.

 

Do you have friends? Perhaps you should start hanging out with them, doing activities that make you feel good, that are about you: getting a pedicure, going to the gym, getting a massage, doing yoga, going to counseling, having lunch with friends, meditating etc. Anything that is healthy for you and helps you to love you. I don't know what your husband does or thinks or feels or if your relationship is worth saving, but I think a start to rebuilding is to rediscover YOU and that may make him more attracted and open up more, as he sees the person he once dated. Cut the married man off and dive into your own thing, cook a nice dinner for your husband, invite him to watch a movie with you, he may not be receptive at first but continue doing you, until it gets to a point where you can bring up the marriage. Bottom line....get counseling and start taking care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. Be it that, you leave your husband as nothing can be salvaged, leave this married man and rebuild with hubby OR leave them both and forge your own path not dependent upon the ambivalent feelings of men that can't give you what you want.

 

 

I am looking into getting my own personal counselor. The one I have now is a marraige counselor. It really would be so beneficial and healing to have someone who can help me sort through all of this and help me understand why I let this happen. I dont want it to happen again and I want to gain real confidence again.

 

Fear of the unknown is so powerful. The thought of possibly not having my husband after all of this has ended scares me so badly even though our marriage is so unhealthy and not right for me. It's a scary place. I have been working on some things to better myself and have networked a new group of friends. It helps a lot and I hope that as I do it more and more that my husband would open up. I have encouraged him to do some of the things he did before we married and I hope he does.

[LovelyGirlx0]

:eek::eek:It is not about decency????Wow. You say your husband is immature and the counselors say your marriage won't survive because of this...what do they say about you? FYI, the affair happened because you allowed it. Not anything your husband did or didn't do. We have all had crap in our lives, how we deal with it and then own those choices are what makes us different. Some of us withdraw, others self medicate, others go celibate, others divorce, still others choose to cheat. Own your choices.

 

You can keep your affair a secret from your husband, cause you already said your marriage can't be saved because he won't make changes....then leave and stop the excuse that telling would damage your marriage. You don't tell because you don't want the fallout. You get to blame your marriage failure on your husband, while he wont' be the wiser that you added your own nails to the coffin. Again owning one's choices.

 

You talk about what he can't handle...you are projecting. Maybe he can(even if you can't)and it would require you to accept your actions. You don't really want to do that do you? Hence the involvement with a man who's wife was pregnant. A baby, his baby, growing inside her and her joy was tainted by.....get this, actions of two people who will continue to cover their behinds in the name of "protecting" the betrayed spouses.

 

It amazes me that when we make choices to get married, have children and create family, we expect a medal for doing what is part of the job description. So what you give to your children and husband. Isn't that what you signed up for? Again, the decisions. Of course we all want a standing ovation for doing the extraordinary...for the most part, raising children and being married ain't it. If he is so dag gone pathetic as a partner that professionals are telling you, that you are wasting your time....then it appears you need to move on.

 

Don't use him as your security from the unknown. You don't want him. If MM is kicked to the curb, you will be right there with waiting for that future with him and any potential children(though he has proven he will cheat on his wife when she is vulnerable and pregnant..swell guy:sick:). Go back and read your post. You are simply looking for the easy option, not the one that allows everyone to live an authentic life while making choices for themselves. You want to make decisions for you life and theirs....not fair by a long shot.

 

I am not proud of my actions and I would never want to be defined by them. I am not perfect and neither are you. You do not know my situation because it is unique and you are not living in it.

 

I have dealt with a lot of crap and made a stupid choice to cheat which I am 100000% positive I would NOT have done had my husband been a loving guy who wasn't so pathetically abusive (not physically, tg) and knew how to make me feel unattractive, undesirable, etc.etc.etc. and btw I am a hell of a lot more attractive than him and married him because I thought he would be a good dad (he would be better if he treated their mom better and the same goes for me). He thinks he can make me feel terrible about myself so I wont ever leave him because I'd lack the confidence to. This "OM" isn't perfect either, I know, but he did make me feel like I wasn't better off dead like my "dear husband" has for years. If I could I would leave the marriage RIGHT NOW. But because I am not completely selfish, I am trying to be calculated about this in order to protect my children. I'm not defending myself anymore.

[bentnotbroken]

I want to make sure that when we walk away, the kids are protected. I want this to be something that we both agree to and that we can enter into a divorce that isn't as ugly as some of the ones I have seen or heard about.

 

 

And yourself of course. You do want to leave without in smudges to your reputation. No one wants to be pointed to while being known as the one who cheated with the guy with the pregnant wife. When he finds out, they typically do, ugly maybe more than you can control.

[LovelyGirlx0]

And yourself of course. You do want to leave without in smudges to your reputation. No one wants to be pointed to while being known as the one who cheated with the guy with the pregnant wife. When he finds out, they typically do, ugly maybe more than you can control.

 

Of course I want to protect myself. And both partners in this "marriage" have cheated. No one is innocent here. I live very, very, very far from family (on opposite coasts) and am working on making it possible to go back home once we separate.

[LovelyGirlx0]

*shakes head vigourously*

 

Please tell me that you are just joking. You are heavily intoxicated with bonding hormones. It is causing you to behave like a naive teenager, not a mature married woman with responsibilities. What kind of man cheats on his pregnant wife? Do you understand what that says about his character? You are allowing him to lead you down a path to destruction. If he will screw around on his pregnant wife, he will certainly NOT help with raising any child that the OW has for him. This man clearly lacks morals or a conscience.

 

Why are you so intent to have a child with this person? A baby will not keep a man around and so many women have babies, hoping that doing so will tie a man to them. Children are not dolls, they are real people who will be affected by the circumstances they were born into. I cringe at the shame an affair baby would feel.

 

I know how it feels to be addicted to someone. No matter how much it hurts, you have to walk away, before more and more loved ones get hurt. Focus on deciding what to do with your marriage. Tell this man you will date him only when he has left his wife.

 

I know this is terrible and I feel like I am repeating myself. I am not intent on having his baby. It was something that he asked me. I was shocked and strangely excited about the idea which I realize is some weird part of this addiction, "love" I am feeling for him. But believe me, reality has long gone set in (but no completely, I can see that) and I am not going to have his baby.

[bentnotbroken]

I am not proud of my actions and I would never want to be defined by them. I am not perfect and neither are you. You do not know my situation because it is unique and you are not living in it.

 

I have dealt with a lot of crap and made a stupid choice to cheat which I am 100000% positive I would NOT have done had my husband been a loving guy who wasn't so pathetically abusive (not physically, tg) and knew how to make me feel unattractive, undesirable, etc.etc.etc. and btw I am a hell of a lot more attractive than him and married him because I thought he would be a good dad (he would be better if he treated their mom better and the same goes for me). He thinks he can make me feel terrible about myself so I wont ever leave him because I'd lack the confidence to. This "OM" isn't perfect either, I know, but he did make me feel like I wasn't better off dead like my "dear husband" has for years. If I could I would leave the marriage RIGHT NOW. But because I am not completely selfish, I am trying to be calculated about this in order to protect my children. I'm not defending myself anymore.

 

 

I lived with a person with NPD for more than 20+. I know what it is to be made to feel stupid, unattractive and feeling pushed to suicide. Nothing about me or my life choices have been perfect, but they were my choices. Your husband did not make you cheat. He may be the biggest walking pile of steaming doggy do that ever breathed clean air, but he did not tell you to cheat or to lie about it.

 

We get it. We all make stupid choices that we wouldn't repeat if given the choice, but the choice was made by one person from an internal source. So my life parallels all the crap you say you deal with. You aren't the only one. OUR choices are still ours. Our responses to the actions or others are what does define us(for a short time or a lifetime...that choice will also be yours to make). Good luck with trying to keep it all under ground. Counseling is an option that could be beneficial for not only you but everyone who is going to be effected.

[LovelyGirlx0]

Oh man-this sounds horrible. You are both cheating on your spouses..HIS wife is pregnant, and now you want to bring a child into this? I'm not trying to be judgmental, but do you realize what a mess you'd be bringing a child into?

 

What kind of father can you expect him to be, when you don't even get his full attention?

 

What are you 2 doing-why don't you both get out of your miserable marriages. Spend some time as partners..living the day to day boring life of a couple, and see if you can make it work for a while. THEN maybe consider having a child.

 

Sounds like you're both living in some fantasy world, frankly. You both sound addicted to the clandestine, part-time nature of your relationship. Neither of you have to deal with each other at your worst..because it's part-time, you can be on your best behavior. S*** gets real when you're living together-who knows, in that kind of situation, you may not even be compatible. Please don't bring yet another person into this messy situation.

 

 

I see all of this. I JUST found out that she is pregnant and I think she is further along than he is making her out to be. I am really sick (literally) over this. I am not having his child.

[LovelyGirlx0]

I lived with a person with NPD for more than 20+. I know what it is to be made to feel stupid, unattractive and feeling pushed to suicide. Nothing about me or my life choices have been perfect, but they were my choices. Your husband did not make you cheat. He may be the biggest walking pile of steaming doggy do that ever breathed clean air, but he did not tell you to cheat or to lie about it.

 

We get it. We all make stupid choices that we wouldn't repeat if given the choice, but the choice was made by one person from an internal source. So my life parallels all the crap you say you deal with. You aren't the only one. OUR choices are still ours. Our responses to the actions or others are what does define us(for a short time or a lifetime...that choice will also be yours to make). Good luck with trying to keep it all under ground. Counseling is an option that could be beneficial for not only you but everyone who is going to be effected.

 

I am not justifying my actions, I am explaining why I made the choices I have made. And we obviously have very different points of view on what defines a person so there is no point going back and forth about it.