So messed up right now. .

[LovelyGirlx0]

If you really want out of this affair, it's quite simple. You tell him you're done. You block his number, email, etc., and go No Contact.

 

It sounds like your husband may be abusive, from what you're saying. I was with an abusive man for a year. Instead of staying with the abuser, but attempting to get the affection you need from someone else, you need to walk away from the abuser as well.

 

Honey, you need some serious time alone to heal from all this mess and figure out who you are. I understand the need to not be alone, but until we can be alone with ourselves and feel happy that way, it'll be impossible for us to find healthy relationship. Are you in therapy, if you don't mind me asking?

 

I am getting to the point where I am backing way off and working on cutting off all contact. Today was a very difficult day with my husband and I wanted so bad to contact this other man but i did not. I am trying.

 

Yes, you are right that he is abusive. I do not know why I am having such a hard time walking away from both situations. I know that I am scared having family so far away and want to be smart about how I begin this separation. Honestly I do not have any one here with me for that kind of support. This is the most difficult time of my life and I hope that it gets better once I end this bad relationships.

[bentnotbroken]

I am not justifying my actions, I am explaining why I made the choices I have made. And we obviously have very different points of view on what defines a person so there is no point going back and forth about it.

 

 

Ahhh, got it.

[PhoenixRise]

 

It's not about decency. There would be nothing good that could come out of telling him about the affair. Doing so would just tear apart my marriage, that is already hanging my a thread as it is. What I want to do is continue going to marriage counseling without having most of my heart attached to this other guy. Telling my husband would do no good. If he cheated I would not want to know either. I couldn't handle it and neither could he.

 

Also, I have done selfish things by having an affair, yes, but that does not define me. I am not a selfish person. I give to my kids and husband all day and I have tried my very best to fix our marriage. An affair happened because of deep pain and neglect in my marriage which led to very low self-esteem and depression. Of course I felt better about myself when a handsome man came onto me and told me everything I wanted to hear. It's completely natural. I should have had the brains to stop it before it got this far. I am human and I make mistakes and I am trying my best to fix it now which is what is important!

 

 

 

I found out that he had cheated and he would not admit it to me for a long time. He acted like it was no big deal and became very cold. Our relationship has been what I would say non-existent for 1.5 years. Me and the OM have been together for a year.

 

LovelyGirl

 

I don't know if your husband truly cheated on you or not. First you posted that IF he had cheated you wouldn't want to know, then you posted that he had indeed cheated but would never admit it. Which is true?

[Sharon1961]

Wow....I am in tears right now. I would love a hug but a cyber one will do. haha! I will remember that, yes she did have good words to say. Today has been a tough day but I have been withdrawing from the relationship and because of that I am sure to have some tough days ahead - it will get better though!

 

Ya know, since you don't have family nearby maybe you could go visit them? It might be nice to get away and help to gain some perspective. Be well!

[jwi71]

LovelyGirl

 

I don't know if your husband truly cheated on you or not. First you posted that IF he had cheated you wouldn't want to know, then you posted that he had indeed cheated but would never admit it. Which is true?

 

This jumped out to me as well.

Care to explain the contradiction? Or is it self-evident?

[LovelyGirlx0]

LovelyGirl

 

I don't know if your husband truly cheated on you or not. First you posted that IF he had cheated you wouldn't want to know, then you posted that he had indeed cheated but would never admit it. Which is true?

 

I intended to not share so many personal details but yes he did cheat and if he did it again I would not want to know. Going through that was the worst feeling in the world and I'd rather just not know.

[LovelyGirlx0]

Ya know, since you don't have family nearby maybe you could go visit them? It might be nice to get away and help to gain some perspective. Be well!

 

Working on this. I haven't seen them for years.

[jwi71]

Given all you have said, why have you not filed for D?

You can even cite your H's affair as cause.

[MissBee]

I am looking into getting my own personal counselor. The one I have now is a marraige counselor. It really would be so beneficial and healing to have someone who can help me sort through all of this and help me understand why I let this happen. I dont want it to happen again and I want to gain real confidence again.

Fear of the unknown is so powerful. The thought of possibly not having my husband after all of this has ended scares me so badly even though our marriage is so unhealthy and not right for me. It's a scary place. I have been working on some things to better myself and have networked a new group of friends. It helps a lot and I hope that as I do it more and more that my husband would open up. I have encouraged him to do some of the things he did before we married and I hope he does.

 

Tell me about it! But as cliched as it is, taking it a step at a time is how you need to get through it. Everything at some point started off unknown but many of them turn out great once you just do it. The apprehension and thinking about it before you take the step proves to be way more daunting, from my experience. Most things that I've worked myself into anxiety about and belabor the what-ifs and these catastrophic endings (boy, am I good at that ), NEVER usually turn out as horrible and dramatic as I imagined. And even if it did....you get over it.

 

I'm glad that you've been making strides! Keep it up. I hope your husband comes around and I hope you're giving yourself and the marriage a fair and authentic chance by leaving MM and his pregnant wife out of your life. Hopefully your husband takes your advice, but you can't change him though, so you should definitely focus more on your growth and encourage him but I'm sure as time goes on and you get counseling and continue working on you and clearing your mind, all else will become clear.

[OldOnTheInside]

haha! Judging by her actions(def not her words) she is already a master of manipulation. The sad part is she doesn't realize that she is simply hurting herself with these childish antics

 

Eh, I spent over twenty years around the manipulative and plastic types. I can sniff most of them out like a bloodhound. They are usually not as good at what they do, as they think they are. Unless playing with mentally vulnerable people is considered an impressive feat. And yeah, many of them are passively-aggressively doing it.

 

OP, your "story" is full of holes.

 

If you are a troll, you're not doing a very good job with all of these inconsistencies to your plot. Plan ahead, before you write your fiction.

 

If you are just an emotionally confused woman (no doubt), than you need to think very carefully before you type. You've filled your story with so many contradictions during these 5 pages. It's hard to offer prudent advice with such an inconsistent story. Proceed slowly.

[sandrawg]

?????

 

Yknow, this is uncalled for. It's not only rude and insulting--it's also a HUGE assumption about her motivations. You're becoming abusive.

 

 

 

You can be honest, the only reason you don't leave right now is because you simply want to paint your H as the sole cause of divorce, you as a helpless victim, and get as much money as possible.

[fooled once]

I brought up the baby part because it's a huge reason why I want to end it. When you are in love with someone or "addicted" to them, it's not that easy to end it.

 

Yes, he is sleeping with me on the side. I miss-spoke.

 

I came here for support because even doing the right thing can be a very hard thing to do. I know I am not the only person who has been through this and I need support getting through it and working through the feelings. I am not sure why you are being so hateful. I came here for help and if you're unwilling to give it please do not respond to my posts.

 

I found out that he had cheated and he would not admit it to me for a long time. He acted like it was no big deal and became very cold. Our relationship has been what I would say non-existent for 1.5 years. Me and the OM have been together for a year.

 

So you have been sleeping with a MM who impregnated his wife; a man who is actively having sex with his wife in order to have a child. And you are okay with this? You continue to sleep with a MM who has a pregnant wife and you want to say "people make mistakes"? No, a mistake is a one night stand while drunk, if you want to really throw out 'oops' or 'mistakes'. Having a calculated affair for a year is not a mistake or an oops.

 

I am not proud of my actions and I would never want to be defined by them. I am not perfect and neither are you. You do not know my situation because it is unique and you are not living in it.

 

I have dealt with a lot of crap and made a stupid choice to cheat which I am 100000% positive I would NOT have done had my husband been a loving guy who wasn't so pathetically abusive (not physically, tg) and knew how to make me feel unattractive, undesirable, etc.etc.etc. and btw I am a hell of a lot more attractive than him and married him because I thought he would be a good dad (he would be better if he treated their mom better and the same goes for me). He thinks he can make me feel terrible about myself so I wont ever leave him because I'd lack the confidence to. This "OM" isn't perfect either, I know, but he did make me feel like I wasn't better off dead like my "dear husband" has for years. If I could I would leave the marriage RIGHT NOW. But because I am not completely selfish, I am trying to be calculated about this in order to protect my children. I'm not defending myself anymore.

 

Life hands each of us crap. We are defined by how we handle crap. To turn around and blame your husband because you CHOSE to cheat is crap. Sorry, but you aren't owning your decisions. You are blame shifting, IMHO. So you won't divorce RIGHT NOW because of your children? Where are you children when you are having an affair with a MM? Are they forfront in your mind? Doesn't thinking of them stop you from making the decision to sneak around and have sex with him? Or do you feel justified because your H allegedly had an affair and because he is so mean to you, you had to find someone who gave you attention?

 

LovelyGirl

 

I don't know if your husband truly cheated on you or not. First you posted that IF he had cheated you wouldn't want to know, then you posted that he had indeed cheated but would never admit it. Which is true?

 

 

Okay, so you said you wanted to have his child in your first post. You then proceeded to scold everyone, who brought up the potential baby making, because you had to repeat the opposite of what you originally wrote?? My head hurts. I am very confused and clearly, so are you.

 

How do you expect to have an amicable divorce, from an abusive man you have been cheating on? Let's hope that there is no key logger on your computer.

 

[LovelyGirlx0]

I came to this forum for help because I know it's not right. I should have been more clear in my original post. I hate repeating myself. Why would I come here for help and spill my guts out to complete strangers? Do you think I am here to fool or impress anyone? I asked for support as I make a difficult decision to start a new life and make better decisions for myself and my kids.

 

Do not criticize me for wanting to make the best choices (though I have made mistakes) for myself and my kids. Anyone with two kids under 3!!!! would want to begin to make the best choices for their kids too and if that means putting putting up with a bad marriage as we work thru counseling and decide TOGETHER what we want our future to be then so be it! I am not going to walk out now. I want to fix the mess and make good decisions for all involved.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't think someone with two kids should have difficulty figuring this out! Nothing good... and all that!

[Dust]

Girl you asking for a whole heap of something you shouldn’t want. When you found out your husband cheated on you it should have been the end. You stopped trusting him and now you’ve turned into a cheater and tricked yourself into thinking this is all you deserve. You are not happy and even though you come off crazy you’re still sane enough to realize this will all end bad.

 

Divorce your husband and start over fresh with a man who doesn’t cheat on you and you don’t cheat on him. Learn from your mistakes. Do not continue this relationship with a cheater.

[OldOnTheInside]

Just calling it like I see it. Im not going to sugar coat things and convince people that if they stay the same course everything will be ok. What this woman is doing is going to blow up in her face. It will destroy two families and her H and children are the ones who will feel it. You can keep up with being "supportive" though

 

Maybe aasdf was overly harsh (I personally disagree with that notion, but different strokes for different folks, I suppose) but c'mon...

 

...when somebody willingly places themselves in a situation right out of the Jerry Springer Show (which was what the opening post sounded like), what the hell can anybody say? It's like that guy that touches the fence with big, red "DANGER" sign, then complains about the aftermath.

 

If you are a troll, write a more solid story next time. My spider-sense was tingling as soon as I finished reading. So many contradictions.

 

If not, you can either fess up and be open, or continue down the path of passive-aggressive manipulation and lies. The latter choice would probably be most beneficial to you and your kids in the long run, IMO. It's helped you retain control this far.