Sister-In-Law

[swimmer98]

A couple years ago my sister in law and her husband were very rude to my wife/then girlfriend and I.

 

They accused us of not helping at a camping trip, and when my wife finally stuck up for herself and said she was being rude things escalated.

 

Lazy, me not being around in the future, and some other mean things were directed to us as well is a long letter about how aweful of a father and husband I'll be because I am lazy and don't care about people and that I am creepy because I take photos. (I am a nurses assistant and was a red cross disaster volunteer for years I also have a 4 year degree in photography and have a well established business in it)

 

Every family even after that has been tense. I've been waiting for an apology and everybody thinks I should just get over it and they all pretend nothing happened and want to stay out of it.

 

If my family pulled that crap, I would demand an apology be given to my wife and I wouldn't even think of asking her to go to a family function until things were mended.

 

I'm tired of feeling anger when they are at family functions. If they were a short time it would be fine, but we all live on separate sides of the state so get together are often days of agony.

 

I am fine if my wife wants to go - even though I miss her for the time she would be gone. Would it be wrong of me to say "I'm done with this if they are coming I am not going."

[TaraMaiden]

Two monks, going to a neighbouring monastery, walked side by side in silence. They arrived at a river they had to cross. That season, waters were higher than usual. On the bank, a young woman was hesitating, fearful of the fast-flowing water.

 

'Climb on my back' said the elderly monk, 'and we will cross together.'

 

Having reached the other bank, the old monk put down the young woman who, in return, thanked him with a broad smile. She left their side and both monks continued their route in silence.

 

About two hours later, as the monks approached the monastery, the young monk could not stand it anymore and exclaimed angrily, 'You shouldn't have carried that person on your back. It's against our rules! how could you stoop to such thoughtless and inappropriate behaviour? I am shocked at your carelessness!'

 

 

The older monk stopped, and smiling, replied,

'This young woman needed help and I put her down on the other bank. You didn't carry her at all, but it seems to me that she is still on your back.'

 

You can decide whether this is a weight you carry, and engender, perpetuate and nourish feelings of anger, resentment and animosity, or understand that human emotions flare and glow, but are as intangible as both a breeze and the flames of a fire it fans.

 

Your anger, resentment, animosity and hostility are your choice.

 

They are yours to do with as you wish.

[swimmer98]

I'd love to just move on and be happy at family events, and it would be great for my wife too and I've tried. How do I do it?

[TaraMaiden]

You really want me to tell you?

It's because people Fear. They fear not being heard, and they fear loss of control.

 

Your SiL and her H acted in a weak manner because they perceived a situation they could not control, and which went against something they believe in.

Something that goes against what we believe in - is a threat.

it's a threat to our stability, our flow and our contentment.

if people do not act and behave in a way which conforms to what we perceive to be acceptable, it is both de-stabilising and uncomfortable.

It goes against our grain.

It rubs us up the wrong way.

 

So they protested.

In essence, what they were saying was:

"Your behaviour threatens the way we are comfortable feeling, and we feel resentful that you behave in a different way to the way we would like."

 

Only they voiced their fears in a hostile, confrontational and aggressive manner.

 

Now you - you also have Anger and resentment.

 

because they have behaved - and to your way of thinking, still are behaving - in a way that goes against your grain of acceptability.

Your discomfiture and discontent persists.

This may in fact be perpetuating this underflow of resentment and embarassed awareness.

In fact, as far as your SiL and her H may be concerned, the current feeling and perception of discomfort may be your fault because you just won't let it lie.

 

There is friction - because there is memory, and these memories fan the flames.

 

There is a saying in Buddhism (seeing as you're asking the 'how') which states:

 

Hatred can never cease through hatred, but by Love alone is it appeased. This is the Ancient and Eternal Law"

 

What the saying means by 'Ancient and Eternal' is that Buddhism didn't invent it. It's been a universal truth for as long as the earth has known a heartbeat. To underpin what I say, you merely have to look at our old "enemies": The Japanese, the Germans, the Russians, the Chinese.... Heck, even The Colonial English!

 

Once upon a time, every single one of these nations was at war with one another. Now, through dialogue and discussion, and a meeting of minds, they are our partners and allies.

 

And I'm sure you're aware that the conflict with the Taliban, achieving nothing through war, is being addressed through dialogue.....

 

So the way to overcome conflict is to address it with skilful communication and dialogue.

 

In other words - open your heart, agree to put the past behind you, acknowledge your differences - but move on from then on.

[namedposter13]

To each his own, certainly. Some people care more about not making waves and living without conflict than doing what is right for themselves. I'm NOT one of those people. Absolutely NO judgement if you are, however, I do tend to find (generally, though as always, there are exceptions), that people like that tend to try to convince others to be the same way they are. If that's not who you are, any attempt to just "forgive and forget" is going to make you resent yourself and your wife.

 

You have to engage in some introspection here. What is your goal?

 

If your goal is to make family get-togethers less tense, then you should try to get past what's happened. It was years ago, it could be that they feel bad over what happened and are just too proud to say so, because they think you also owe them an apology.

 

If your goal is to make your wife happy, then it gets more complex. You now have to examine what will make your wife happy. Maybe she'll be happy if you stop making waves and let things go. Maybe she's going to need true and honest forgiveness of her sister on your part, not just superficial "grin and bear it". Or maybe, she'll be happy if you're finally happy, which brings me to the next goal.

 

If your goal is to make YOU happy (and don't let ANYONE tell you that you shouldn't want to make yourself happy), then you need to do whatever feels right to you. Don't let other people's judgments get in the way of that. If you truly believe you would be happy by forgiving them, try talking to them. But there is NOTHING wrong with wanting someone who has done you wrong to apologize for it. Maybe all you need is one good "lash out" at them, and then you'll feel better. Maybe you truly would be happier just not going. This takes serious thought on your part. But what you should always remember is that there is no right and wrong in making yourself happy. If never forgiving them and never speaking to them again is what it takes to be happy, then you should do it. Don't apologize for not wanting to be unhappy every time you have to see some of your inlaws.

[swimmer98]

Truth is, I just think they don't like me and it is not really fair because they do not give valid reasoning nor have they gotten to know me.

 

I think I or we may have to open a dialog with them, which my wife feels will result in a blow out because her sister is never wrong nor has she ever apologized for anything.

 

So my choices are to continue to be upset about the past, figure out how to get over the past, opt to remove them from my life and have my wife go to family functions alone or try to solve things and risk my wife not being able to see her sister or her kids as a result.

 

My wife just told me a family thing has usually been to bury things under the rug. So perhaps that is one of the reasons her sister doesn't like me.