I don't think my wife understands her ex's motives.

[jmanaz]

OK, this is going to be quick, not. My wife is a very jealous person. Due to this fact, I have stopped talking to any exes and have sort of let all of my friendships with other females dwindle. Marriage is worth it. For about two years now she has been talking to her ex high school sweetheart. After reading many of their e-mails, I deemed him to be acting a bit inappropriate, writing things such as if he was wrong about something, then breaking up with her is the biggest mistake he ever made, perfect body parts, a broken jacuzzi pump from when they were in high school.

 

If you can't say it to them in front of their spouse then don't say it to them, otherwise your motives are suspect, right? The climax of all of this is that she told him of an e-mail address she has that I did not know about.

 

She told me she called him after this and ended communication. I told her she didn't need to, but that she should follow her own rules.

 

A bit ago, when I was setting everything up for e-pay, I noticed four more calls to him on her cell phone that I wasn't told about. She replied that it was innocent and that she didn't want me to give her a hard time which is why she called when I wasn't there. Again, if you can't say it to them in front of your spouse, don't say it, right?

 

This all comes after getting such a hard time from her about exes or female friends I had kept in touch with that I gave it up. It seems everyone of his e-mails ends with I miss talking to you, or something along that line.

 

Now here's the juicier part. He e-mails her at work, and she calls him at his 800 number there. I would bet big money that his wife has no idea that he is in contact with my wife. If this is so innocent then why can't he talk to her at his house, or when I'm at home?

 

Yesterday, after a disagreement which culminated in her crying, and agreeing to pay more attention to me (since the kids have been born, my importance has semingly gone down to her), I came home and called a friend. I had spent the day with our two daughters so she could study (I quit working this year in order to better help her finish school, don't get me wrong, I wasn't happy with my work, but the pay is good). When I needed to call him back, I hit redial. When you do this on our phone you get the last five calls to make the choice of redialing. There was her ex's 800 number.

 

What bugs me more than anything is that she could have done dishes, folded laundry, etc, but she called him and didn't tell me, while I was with our kids helping her to study. Now I have done the dishes, and will fold the laundry later, and am watching the kids while she is at school.

 

In her defense, I think my wife is a bit naive, and doesn't realize that his secretiveness probably has some hidden motive. His behavior bugs me in that it is disrespectful of me. I guarantee that in front of me, he would not talk to her like this. I'm 6' and 200lbs, he's much smaller, and this shouldn't matter. Bottom line is I think he's incredibly disrespectful and sneaky.

 

What should I do?

[26thAquarius]

I think you should call him yourself and explain to him the situation. Not that he doesnt know but just to give him the benefit of the doubt.(yeah right!) Tell him that she is your wife, and you are her husband. Inform him that the secret communication not only bothers you but is also inappropriate. From one man to another, he should understand.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, she is not behaving in a manner fitiing of a faitful wife. Not that there is a physical affair occuring, but there seems to be an emotional one, which unfortunately may lead to other things. Explain to her also that her behavior is not acceptable and that you WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE IT.

 

On that note..you no longer tolerating it would require an ultimatum. Either she stops the secretive nonsense or else................(to be continuted)

 

GOOD LUC

[Bonified]

Hey there...

 

Seems like you have a sticky situation. I agree with 26th Aquarius, I think calling him might be a good idea. As a man, and a husband, I think he would understand. Right now you are most likely perceived as a kind of fictional character. As fictional, it doesn't really matter how his behavior emotionally affects you. After you talk to him, you would become real in his mind and your feelings would consequently become more important. BEFORE you do this, however, you should tell your wife and THEN do it. She will most likely object but, as long as you think you can talk to this guy without sounding outright accusitory then you should do it. Maybe suggest a double date...?

 

As for your wife, I bet that she has no intention of harming her relationship with you. Everyone knows that when you have been with someone for an extended period of time the relationship changes. The relationship becomes comfortable...and each patner begins to expect fewer and fewer surprises.

 

The surprises are still there of course (they couldn't help but be...people never stop growing and changing) but, most people begin to assume they know everything there is to know about their beloved. My guess is that you wife is innocently trying to recapture a taste of the initial rush associated with the "courting" phase. If she has poor self-esteem, she may be trying to prove to herself that she is desireable. I doubt she realizes that she may be playing with fire.

 

One thing that you might be able to do to help her realize the potential this phase of your relationship holds for you both is to actively assume that you don't know everything about her. Ask her questions . Find out what she thinks about the stupid little things that cross your mind. Ask her anything, but try to find stuff to talk about that isn't directly related to your relationship with her.

 

Also, next time you are intimate with her...pay super close attention to her. look at her as if it was the first time you laid eyes on her. Draw out the touching bit.

 

This stuff may sound a bit cheese-y but CHICKS LOVE THIS STUFF!

 

Take care...and good luck

 

Bon

[reservoirdog1]

Maybe I'm the only one, but I think there's something fishy going on. She calls him when you're not around and uses as an excuse the fact that she didn't want to upset you? I'm sorry, but in my book a faithful spouse should simply NOT DO things like that which make the other spouse uncomfortable, especially carrying on intimate conversations with the opposite sex, especially ex-boyfriends.

 

My gut on this is that she's not being "naive". She knows what she's doing. And you have to put a stop to it, right now. She knows that it makes you uncomfortable, which is why she sneaks around to talk to him. Any time a spouse sneaks around to talk with somebody in that way, it's not a good thing.

 

Open your eyes, man... lay down the law now. She has to choose between talking to him or being married to you. She's having an emotional affair. Act now before it becomes physical.

[reachingskywards]

I don't think you should tolerate this situation at all.

 

You may have done this already but I think as a first line of defence I would sit her down and explain to her specifically how this situation is affecting you, how you feel that your trust is being betrayed and ask her directly to stop it. I would tell her that under no circumstances is it acceptable to you for her to have this illicit relationship with this man.

 

Aslo -- ask her if she would be happy for you to start contacting your exes since she is in contact with hers. I would also start getting in contact with some other woman friends anyway because everyone needs to have friends of both sexes around. You can do this innocently without hiding it. I don't think you should use jeolousy as a weapon or get into any tit for tat situation -- but sometimes when people feel secure they take for granted what they have.

 

I don't know your situation well enough and hate to put this in writing.. but people do have affairs. If she refuses to stop contacting him you should seriously consider whether this is the case. Is there anyway you can check her other email account.... ??? Is there any oportunity for her to be with this guy and for you to not know about it ??? I hate to sound paranoid but if she is lying about calling him she can be lying about other things as well. For your sake I hope not... but please take all precautions to protect yourself.

[jmanaz]

The guy lives a state away. No chance for "intimate contact." Emotional affair? I really doubt it. I truthfully think on some level she feels sorry for this guy. He's done some really silly things in the past and seems to be very insecure in a high school sort of way. He's thirty, married with a child and has said in different e-mails that he still feels like he's 22 (like he's stuck there). When I was 22, I loved it, but at 30 I sure as he!! didn't feel stuck there (I'm 33). If I had read my message as a third party, I would be very hard line about what should be done. However, I do know my wife very well. She told me she's done talking to him, because it's not worth it to upset me. As for calling him, I would love to, but it might scare him too much. LOL (I'm actually serious here). When we first moved in together he would call and if I would answer he'd hang up (pre-caller ID days). That was over ten years ago. I think I'm going to e-mail him from my wife's account. I have no need to talk to him. I may just mail his wife copies of the e-mails he's sent (LOL, I doubt it, what do you guys think?). They're nothing really, but they do seem to test the water, as he is probably looking for an opening. Bottom line, I've gotten what I wanted from my wife, without having to ask for it. It is a bit of a shame since it's good for us to get in touch with our past, and if he could have acted a bit more mature, there would have been no problems. Oh well, he blew it all by himself. One more thing, when calling him last week, she didn't get through (the number doesn't work, tried it myself), and it was to tell him that due to stepping over certain lines, etc. there would be no more contact. Since she would have demanded it of me, she felt that that was what she should do. Oh yeah, as for the dishes, she was studying, so I guess I can't get angry over that . Thanks everybody!

[sammyfragb]

Wake up man. You can not tolerate this behavior from him or your wife. It's great that she may feel sorry for him, but your feelings should count here, not his. I don't think she should call him to end it. If it is innocent, then there is nothing to end. She should pay a bit less attention to him or just ignore him completely. She owes him zero and you everything. I do think you should either e-mail him or phone him and ask him for his home phone number. Why wouldn't he give it to you? If he's actually "afraid" of you, then that is his own fault. What is he doing to be afraid of, especially since you said you don't live in the same state? Mailing his wife a copy of the e-mails is not a bad idea at all. Bust this wease; who seems to be stuck in a time warp. He has his own wife and, did you say child? Yet, he wants to reminisce about the glory days of high school. Is he a shoe salesman named Al Bundy? "I played high school football!" Well high school was a while ago buddy. Tell him to grow up and move on, and tell your wife to open her eyes.