1.5 month NC and feeling better + books review

[Karala]

Hi everyone,

I don't post here much anymore these days but I just wanted to let you know that I am feeling much better after 1.5 month NC. I think what's a bit depressing about this board is that the people who stay on it for months and months are probably more often the people who have a hard time getting over their ex, so you might end up feeling like it's gonna take you equally long to get your ex out of your head. I think the people who move on faster don't come on this board much anymore and so you end up with a skewed picture of how long or how hard it will be for you to recover from your breakup, based on other people's experience.

 

Kinda like, if you only hang out at the bar, you will end up thinking that having a drinking problem is the norm, lol. Because recovered alcoholics don't go back there to tell you you can make it out too.

 

I don't want to make it sound like I'm above anybody on this board or that I am completely over my breakup because I am definitely not! But I am moving on a little more everyday, and the days of unending misery are already nothing more than a memory.

 

I've just got home from a week-long vacation to Switzerland, I was staying at my childhood best friend's with her husband and kid and it did me a world of good :] She's one of the few people among my friends who has zero connection to my ex and it's so refreshing to hang out with people who are not linked to him in any way.

 

For the moment I'm avoiding any of my friends who might be in contact with him even just through FB. I'm also on strict NC - I did get through a bout of e-stalking about 2 weeks ago but that is sorted out now and it's very unlikely that I'll ever do anything like this is again (believe me, it was painful and really not worth it)

 

I've been reading tons of books. You know the ones.

-It's called a breakup because it's broken - Greg Behrendt and Amiira whatever her last name love this one, it's full of good insight and advice, and even if that doesn't do it for you, it's so funny that it will a least distract you

-Don't call that man - Rhonda Findling helpful too, I'm still in the process of doing the written exercices, they do help

-I can mend your broken heart - Paul MacKenna and Hugh Willbourn the "Threshold Technique" litteraly helped me to fall out of love with my ex, and triggered the releasing of anger I'd kept in store for years, it's that powerful. The accompanying hypnosis CD is great too. Listen to it over and over, fall asleep to it, it will help.

-The girl's guide to surviving a breakup - Delphine Hirsch has a lot of good insight too.

-Getting Past your Breakup, not my favorite, but the Relationship Inventory bit is helpful if you really do the exercise and not just read though it (this is true for any self-help book by the way )

-Mars and Venus starting over - John Gray not the best. I think it's not the smartest idea that he wrote a book intended for both people who have been broken up with, and people who lost a loved one to death. Because when someone dumped you or treated you so bad that you had to dump them, you can't just honor and cherish their memory, at one point it's probably healthy to go through a phase where you take them off their pedestal and hate their guts. So maybe I'll read this one again when my emotions have calmed down a little bit, but a few weeks or months after a breakup is still too soon I think.

-Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller is a wonderful read for those who perceive themselves as "too needy", and to help you make better relationship choices in the future. I'm definitely re-reading this one again soon.

-He's just not that into you is a classic, it's hilarious and eye-opening. If you haven't read it already, go straight ahead!

-Men who can't love and He's scared, she's scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol : do you want to get mad at your commitmenphobic ex? Read those two in a row. After the hundredth time of reading things like "Stop telling him you're willing to try and fix your relationship issues, to him it sounds like he's sitting on the electric chair and you're offering to fix the electricity", you will feel insulted to the core of your being and wonder how you could have let yourself stay in such a situation for so long and you'll make a vow to yourself to never let it happen to you again.

-Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers is not about relationships, but it can still help you through your breakup, and for your future relationships.

-Change your life in 7 days by Paul MacKenna isn't about relationships either, but it's a great self-help book (if you do the exercices...)

 

So for me, reading books has been great. People tell you that in order to get over a breakup, you need to go out, meet new people, flirt, date other people... If that's not who you are in the beginning, believe me, it will only leave you more depressed. I know because I did all these things and they just left me feeling empty and horrible, like I was going through the motions and trying to be somebody I am not. Going back to my geeky self, staying home a lot and reading tons of books has helped me so much more to reconnect with myself. Don't keep applying advice that makes you feel even worse, even if that's what everybody tells you to do!!

 

The vacation in Switzerland and change of scenery was great also. My childhood best friend that I was staying at is happily married and they have two wonderful children, at times it was a bit hard to be a witness to the family life and happiness that I want for myself and don't have, but it's also reassuring to see that it does exist and can be done

I'm leaving again in 3 weeks, for a week-long summer dance camp (I'll be staying in a beautiful place in the south of France and dancing 6 hours a day - I'm so excited!! I can't wait!) and then a week-long silent retreat in a nuns' convent (yes, really!) in another beautiful place in the South of France (I can foresee more book-reading, and lots of solitary walks in nature), and finally I'll be staying a while with my parents in their place on the french Riviera, enjoy the sunny beach :]

 

It's funny because a month ago still, I was so down about my summer holidays, I thought they would be horrible without my ex, and now I'm so looking forward to them and I'm probably gonna have a better time than I ever had with him, when I had to make all the plans for our vacations and he would basically drag his feet through the whole thing and never make the effort himself.

I hope that I can soon say the same thing about life in general. That I thought it would be dreadful without him, but it's actually 100 times better.

 

I would have more to say but I don't want to write a novel that nobody will read

 

I just want to say that IT DOES GET BETTER QUICK for some people, it did for me and maybe it will for you - it will if you GO NC, stop indulging in self-destructive behavior and force yourself to do whatever makes you feel better - simple as that!

[Damia]

Karala great to read such a positive post, well done and thanks for the book reviews I to find reading a big help with healing.

[Nohbody]

Good for you Karala! Glad to see you are doing better.

[Dua]

Hey! I love you for posting this. I can relate to you so much regarding going back to your geeky self. I have read so much about becoming more social, going out and meeting new people in order to heal but I just cant! I have always been very uncomfortable around people and would much prefer some alone time. I have been reading and doing a lot of wonderful things on my own and I was afraid not socializing would affect my healing, but after reading your post I am looking forward to reaching the place you are out now. The break up is fresh and I would like to just have some alone time before involving others!

 

Im going to read the books you suggested..thank you

[Karala]

So glad I could help! Yeah, I think the point about not forcing yourself to go out if you don't feel like it is an important one, if you're like me and you tend to feel lonely in crowds of people. The interactions between people always seem so superficial to me, maybe I'm the one with the problem, or maybe I just need to make new more interesting friends, lol ^^

 

Another tip that I found very useful, I've been using it for a few days now: I'm wearing a black rubberband around my wrist at all time, and whenever I catch myself obsessing over my ex and the breakup, I snap the rubberband against my wrist and focus my attention elsewhere -either back to what I'm doing at the moment, or to anything I enjoy thinking about (my cats, dancing, a good memory, anything).

It does help a lot. If you do it

I think I've reached the point where I'm so sick and tired of suffering over my ex that I actually do stuff to make myself feel better. Wow. ^^

[wilsonx]

Karla great post =) I might read the guy versions of those books =)

[sleepykitten]

Thanks for posting that its really great to read how far youve come and that youre looking forward to the summer holidays now. I have also got the paul mcenna i can heal your broken heart and listen to it before bed-I do think its really helped so much.

I also did the internet dating-didnt go out with anyone i just found the whole thing depressing but i was only a couple of weeks broken up so probably not the best move! Anyway, great to here youre doing so well.