Koekie Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 My then boyfriend essentially left me for another woman. He was living in another country at the time and she was there and I far away. He didn't tell me though, I found out via Facebook. The times I had visited him there he didn't introduce me to friends or family and said it's because he wants me all to himself. I flew all the way to see him and on his only off day he lied to me and said he had to take care of some work, but he had gone to be with her. Essentially he then decided to take a job where I live. I would rather die than who a man exactly how furious and hurt I am, so I calmly and as cool as possible remained in contact with him, since I had already organized his job interviews and he was attacked at his then dangerous job. I decided to get even (and whoever says this isn't worth it obviously hasn't done it!) and just went out and had a blast. When he got here, he broke up with the other girl. We had some problems with visa's and had to get married in order for him to stay on. It has been 7 months and I still feel like second choice. Will I always feel this way? I still look at her photos on facebook, she's in all his friends albums since she actually got to meet them all. He has very strict parents and told them hes moving and already has a job. He has been self employed and hiding this from them. He has told no one in his life of his marriage to me and is yet to propose properly. Everyone in my small town has found out. I feel as if he has the fullest commitment from me possible yet I dont have much from him. He is nervous of his folks thinking he moved here for a woman, and he says he moved here for me, although my current low self esteem doesn't make this easy to believe. My confidence has always been in my opinion my most attractive feature. Its all gone now. Will it ever come back? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 My first gut response to this is that it depends...on what he does to PROVE to you that you weren't/aren't his second choice? It doesn't sound like he's off to a roaring start so far. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I'm sorry but I don't think the outcome of your marriage is going to be a good one. You married him to help him stay in the country (this is illegal) but it also sounds like you put your heart into it. I'm not sure the same could be said for him. I doubt he would have rushed into a marriage with you, under different circumstances. There is nothing wrong with feeling like you got even by going out and having a blast. As they say, the best revenge is living well. However, I'm not sure why you even continued a relationship with a guy who lied to you about seeing another woman. That's not getting even, that settling for less than you deserve. The fact that he won't tell anyone that he is married indicates that this is a marriage to serve a purpose, not a marriage based on love and commitment. If it were me, I'd try to get out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
nyrias Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Well, i guess i will be straight and don't sugar coat it. You feel like a second choice because you probably are one. The sad fact is that that would never change. So may be you should be considering a way out if you cannot live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Koekie Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 It is so much more complicated sadly. I live in a third world country, there are very very few people of my own cultural background. In fact in a radius of 200km I have been the only single person for many years. Marriage is hard enough, choosing someone who doesn't understand your home language or culture is so much more difficult. It's not an easy life to choose, things are harder. He could have gotten an excellent job in another town 300km from here, but he didn't take it. He knows I wont move there and he wants to stay near me (I can only assume, because I don't financially support him) Rumours started flying that he moved here for a girl and I saw a sms from his brother threatening to tell his parents and that they will be furious and cut off contact with him. So at least I know this is true. When the other woman found out that a girl helped him to move here and get sorted she behaved really really badly. There was lots of public scenes and swearing and all sorts. He was very disgusted with how she was turning friends against him. He since ignored her attempts at apologies and refuses to speak to her at all. I have tried to walk away so many times. But that would involve him having to leave the country. He sold everything and gave up his job where he is from. He could get a job that will probably sort out his immigration status, but all jobs are very far from here. He was in tears the one time I did want to get a divorce. I wish it wasnt this complicated Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 My then boyfriend essentially left me for another woman. He was living in another country at the time and she was there and I far away. He didn't tell me though, I found out via Facebook. The times I had visited him there he didn't introduce me to friends or family and said it's because he wants me all to himself. I flew all the way to see him and on his only off day he lied to me and said he had to take care of some work, but he had gone to be with her. Essentially he then decided to take a job where I live. I would rather die than who a man exactly how furious and hurt I am, so I calmly and as cool as possible remained in contact with him, since I had already organized his job interviews and he was attacked at his then dangerous job. I decided to get even (and whoever says this isn't worth it obviously hasn't done it!) and just went out and had a blast. When he got here, he broke up with the other girl. We had some problems with visa's and had to get married in order for him to stay on. It has been 7 months and I still feel like second choice. Will I always feel this way? I still look at her photos on facebook, she's in all his friends albums since she actually got to meet them all. He has very strict parents and told them hes moving and already has a job. He has been self employed and hiding this from them. He has told no one in his life of his marriage to me and is yet to propose properly. Everyone in my small town has found out. I feel as if he has the fullest commitment from me possible yet I dont have much from him. He is nervous of his folks thinking he moved here for a woman, and he says he moved here for me, although my current low self esteem doesn't make this easy to believe. My confidence has always been in my opinion my most attractive feature. Its all gone now. Will it ever come back? Gosh, why on earth did you marry the guy? He's a liar and a cheater. Not a good candidate for marriage. But that's the life you chose, so I would suggest marriage counseling to try to get your marriage on the right track. You can't undo the past, but you can try to build a future that is better for both of you. Call the counselor. Make sure it's a good one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Koekie Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Gosh, why on earth did you marry the guy? He's a liar and a cheater. Not a good candidate for marriage. But that's the life you chose, so I would suggest marriage counseling to try to get your marriage on the right track. You can't undo the past, but you can try to build a future that is better for both of you. Call the counselor. Make sure it's a good one. I wish I could. But there are none of those things anywhere near where I live. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I wish I could. But there are none of those things anywhere near where I live. How about a pastor or priest? Surely there are those where you live. They have been trained in marital counseling, and usually don't even charge for their services. Link to post Share on other sites
JRoy Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Years after the fact I found out in MC that my wife was 'dumped' by her MM and only then decided to try reconciling our marriage. At that point the 'bells & whistles' started going off and since that time (coupled with her convulsive lying) have the reoccurring thought of being her 2nd choice. Had I known the truth at the the time, I might have made a different informed choice. This has got to be a big concern for you and my heart goes out to you. Your road to what ever recovery you would like to travel surely will involve much MC. The best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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