gullideth Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I need help, advice, and someone to talk to other than my therapist. My husband and I met 8 years ago, we have been married for two years. He is 29 and I am 34. My husband is my best friend, the first person I have ever truly been able to connect to and be myself around. He used to say the same about me. Last year, right before our first anniversary he came to me and told me he didn't know if he loved me, thought he was incapable of love, and was seeing another woman. A disgusting woman who was not attractive and had drug problems. He broke it off with her and we saw a marriage counselor for 3 sessions. We thought we had fixed things, that it it was a hiccup. Last week, he came to me and told me these feelings of not wanting to be married are coming back. He feels like he was deprived of the whole dating scene and has more self confidence now than he did as a teenager. We are seeing separate counselors, and a marriage counselor to try and work past this. I hope we can. I feel so betrayed...he lied to me about the affair last year, and this time has admitted to the extent of it. It is tearing my heart out all over again. I found that he had signed up for dating websites and had even contacted a prostitute on craigslist. The man I married would never do these things! I have never trusted anyone until I met him, and I let my guard down...finally allowing myself to believe I can be truly loved....and this betrayal has hit me hard. I am a good wife, no kids, I take good care of my husband in all aspects. I lost 60 lbs before our marriage and look fantastic. I am always ready to please him intimately. So why doesn't he want me? I put him through college and now he is putting me through school...I gave up a career that was good, but I hated it. We just bought our first house and things look absolutely perfect from the outside. He does suffer from social anxiety, and is taking medication. However, he has started drinking excessively, and I think it could be depressing him further. He stopped going to the gym, and just wants to hang out with 21 year old guys he knows from work....if he doesn't go out with them regularly he gets depressed and anxious. It drives me crazy. I love him dearly, I want to be there for him. I know that once he gets past whatever need he has to regain missed experiences that our marriage will be worth working out. Help? Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Short marriage... no kids... he was cheating within the first year and is now at it again... Divorce him! Now!!! Tell him that he is free to date other women, to lead the single life and hang around the "scene" if he wants - but you will not be his wife and he will never see you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullideth Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 I don't think he is cheating again, I think he is feeling like he wants to. Then again, I can't trust anything he says or does right now. He has hidden so much from me...saying he doesn't want to hurt me...it could be the case again. I remember how honest we could be with each other. He even admitted having homosexual experiences when he was younger. That kind of thing is hard to tell someone....and I didn't judge him. I was there for him. Why on earth would he give up a beautiful wife who loves him and dotes on him? Is single life really that great? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I don't think he is cheating again, I think he is feeling like he wants to. Then again, I can't trust anything he says or does right now. He has hidden so much from me...saying he doesn't want to hurt me...it could be the case again. I remember how honest we could be with each other. He even admitted having homosexual experiences when he was younger. That kind of thing is hard to tell someone....and I didn't judge him. I was there for him. Why on earth would he give up a beautiful wife who loves him and dotes on him? Is single life really that great? I think he is cheating again, you have no kids, be strong kick him to the kerb he's a sad loser. Link to post Share on other sites
tornintexas Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I went through a phase where I was blinded by feelings. My mind told me that my STBXW was cheating and I saw the numerous signs of it. My heart was too scared to find out and I turned a blind eye for months. I made a really good doormat and she took full advantage of it while making me feel like it was my fault she was acting badly. When my logic and reason took control and I actually did a little investigation I found all of the irrefutable truth I needed. It took me recording her having sex with he OM before I believed it though. I'm well on the way to recovery now, but where your at sounds a lot like where I used to be. Use a little logic and reason and examine his actions. They prove where his heart is. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I don't think he is cheating again, I think he is feeling like he wants to. Then again, I can't trust anything he says or does right now. He has hidden so much from me...saying he doesn't want to hurt me...it could be the case again. I remember how honest we could be with each other. He even admitted having homosexual experiences when he was younger. That kind of thing is hard to tell someone....and I didn't judge him. I was there for him. Why on earth would he give up a beautiful wife who loves him and dotes on him? Is single life really that great? For me it's the wife that started to bad habits again. But she kept on saying she hasn't done anything. But when I found out what she was doing the cat was out of the bag for her to come clean. I don't trust a word she tells me. When it comes to money no way! You have to ask yourself do you want to stay with a man who's doing things behind your back. That person your paying for answers can only be a point of contact for you to tell her your problems or issues. If she hasn't experience this type of situation then it's going to be something hard to come to deal with. I say here is the best help you can get as me and the rest are going through or have gone through this sort of mixed up relationship mess. That's how I call it. I am in the mid-way point. I am getting out of town. She's leaving her house we have together. She's cheating and is okay about it. Feels I should be too, but she's nut to think like that. It's just a BIG NO in my book! I hate her for doing this to me and us.. Never will I ever forgive her. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I don't think he is cheating again, I think he is feeling like he wants to. Then again, I can't trust anything he says or does right now. He has hidden so much from me...saying he doesn't want to hurt me...it could be the case again. I remember how honest we could be with each other. He even admitted having homosexual experiences when he was younger. That kind of thing is hard to tell someone....and I didn't judge him. I was there for him. Why on earth would he give up a beautiful wife who loves him and dotes on him? Is single life really that great? I would kill for a woman like her! Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 The man I married would never do these things! You mean the man you thought you married, he's not that man and probably never was. I love him dearly No, stop kidding yourself, you love who you thought he was and that was only a delusion you tried to make real. Dump him, you deserve much better. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Let me hazard a guess, you two started seeing each other when he was around 21, so it is your fault that he missed out on the dating scene. Rule of thumb: Cheating spouses trade down, and those who are cheated on eventually trade up. His confidence will totally tank the minute that he thinks that he has lost you to another man and you begin dating "a disgusting woman who was not attractive and had drug problems," "contacted a prostitute . . . ", and needs a 21 year old as a wingman? Sounds like he is a bottom feeder to me. When it comes to the social scene, he will always be a minnow in a sea of sharks Alas by the time he realizes it, you will have found some one new. Link to post Share on other sites
in-knots Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I feel like we are in similar situations. My husband and I are also 5 yrs apart and we started dating when he was 19...now he is 26. I feel like he believeshe is missing out on something that his single friends get to enjoy. I think a big cause of problems in a relationship is when a married man starts hanging out with his single friends! Call me old fashioned but I believe once you get married you should stop hitting the clubs. It's a tough situation you are in and I wish you all the best:) Link to post Share on other sites
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