Should I contact the "OM"?

[analystfromhell]

For about the last month my wife has been in a pretty constant text convo with a guy from work- "just a friend" but there's a whole lot more to it based on convos, things derived from convos, google searches she's made, etc. I would be glad to post sanitized versions of this all if it would help. Some history- we met when I was separated and she was living with a guy. Not sure but think he had an "ex" as well. So we carried on what an objective outsider would call an affair until my a few more months into my separation, moved in together and got married two years later. Fast forward 5 years to day (7 years total) and she has found a friend at work. THis friend and more outings with those at work started in the middle of jun- outings no prob with me but she's ditched me several times, is in constant text convos with him though she knows I 'know' and am reading, watching on latitude etc. She's also ditched job group sessions for dinner/drinks with him then fabricated story for me. Insists he still a friend but when I confronted she basically apologized to him, said our marriage was in a rough patch (first I'd been aware of this, though that's likely part of the problem) and has then continued to initiate text contact and of course from convos they are clearly talking a lot at work. His wife and kids are out of country until sometime in Aug I think. He knows I am not in favor of what's going on and while framing me as unreasonable to object to what's going on with them has also continued to initiate some contact, keep the convos going etc. I talked with my SO's sister who said she had never heard one complaint from my SO about me and had always been glad she had found someone she was compatible with long term. She had heard about friend from my SO during a road trip and thought it a bit odd but didn't think much of it until my convo with her. I was relieved she didn't immediately jump on me defensively and what she knew kind of led me to believe that while my SO is clearly not happy as she's pursuing this guy even while she knows I'm monitoring her. Should I contact him, explain the story behind how my wife and I met and sort of say hey, is this what you want to happen with your family because that's where this is headed... I don't know if she'd hear about it- can't imagine she wouldn't. On the other hand, if he's not actively pursuing he's at least complicit and I'm not sure what to do as I'm afraid if I can't shut this down it will continue to ruin my marriage and counseling sessions (which we start next week). It may not make her happier if he backed off but I could guage his true intent from his reaction and sort of bring things to a head. Not sure if this is for better or worse and interested in everyone's thoughts. I'm really hoping this can be saved but watching this is just crushing me.

[PegNosePete]

She is certainly having an affair with him. Whether it's "emotional" or "physical", I guess there is no proof either way. But it is certainly inappropriate. And highly unlikely that it's just emotional.

 

You need to shut this down right now. Don't bother talking to him, it is your wife who said your wedding vows and your wife who is breaking them. Who cares what he wants or what he's up to? He owes you nothing. It is your wife who is responsible for her actions to you. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriag she will commit to some rules:

1) She will be 100% honest and answer any question you have without objection, hesitation or omission.

2) She will never speak, email or text the OM again, or have contact in any way. She will call him up right now with you present and listening, and explain this to him.

3) You will have access to all of her communications, email passwords, phone etc until your trust is rebuilt.

4) You will go to MC.

 

If she refuses any one of those then see a lawyer and file for divorce.

[Kidd]

Only benefit in contacting the OM would be to get more info than what you currently know. But that's a stretch since he'll just lie anyway. But I agree with the previous poster. I gave my W a very similar list of expectations in order for her to avoid an immediate divorce. Once she agreed to my terms, then we worked on the marriage. Don't let yourself be a doormat. It's unhealthy for you and by the way, it's unattractive. Show her you care enough to put a stop to this. Exercise some marital leadership since her judgment clearly sucks right now, and she may follow. If not, seek more counsel if you still want to reconcile (there are still ways to get her out of the fog she is in), or accept that a divorce may be in your future.

[Summer Breeze]

She is certainly having an affair with him. Whether it's "emotional" or "physical", I guess there is no proof either way. But it is certainly inappropriate. And highly unlikely that it's just emotional.

 

You need to shut this down right now. Don't bother talking to him, it is your wife who said your wedding vows and your wife who is breaking them. Who cares what he wants or what he's up to? He owes you nothing. It is your wife who is responsible for her actions to you. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriag she will commit to some rules:

1) She will be 100% honest and answer any question you have without objection, hesitation or omission.

2) She will never speak, email or text the OM again, or have contact in any way. She will call him up right now with you present and listening, and explain this to him.

3) You will have access to all of her communications, email passwords, phone etc until your trust is rebuilt.

4) You will go to MC.

 

If she refuses any one of those then see a lawyer and file for divorce.

 

Bolded I couldn't agree more.

 

I couldn't live with all the conditions, mustrust and espionage. We're all different though.

 

As far as calling up and telling them in front of you that there will be no contact nope. I was on the receiving end of about 4 of those calls and the last was as ridiculous as the first. Forcing someone to do something like that or writing a letter is so transparent and comes across as desperate. It might make a BS feel better but as an OW I can say it was normally worth a chuckle.

 

As far as OM not telling the truth. Be careful because if he is like I was you'll get the truth in spades.

[Memphis Raines]

Some history- we met when I was separated and she was living with a guy.

 

red flag #1

 

it didn't hit you that she was a cheater then?

 

 

So we carried on what an objective outsider would call an affair until my a few more months into my separation, moved in together and got married two years later. Fast forward 5 years to day (7 years total) and she has found a friend at work.

 

its the old, "if she cheats with you, she'll cheat ON you"

 

 

Should I contact him, explain the story behind how my wife and I met and sort of say hey, is this what you want to happen with your family because that's where this is headed...

 

what good would it do? he already "framed" you as being unreasonable to object to the nature of his relationship with your wife.

 

but if you did contact him, I'd straight up tell him, "admit that this is an affair. be a man. anything other than the truth would be you being a spineless pussy"

 

 

I don't know if she'd hear about it- can't imagine she wouldn't. On the other hand, if he's not actively pursuing he's at least complicit and I'm not sure what to do as I'm afraid if I can't shut this down it will continue to ruin my marriage

 

not being able to "shut this down" isn't what will ruin your marriage.

 

being married to someone that is a proven cheater even before you were married is what has ALREADY ruined your marriage.

 

 

 

I'm really hoping this can be saved but watching this is just crushing me.

 

 

look, I know you are hurting. but saved? this was doomed from the very first time she was cheating on her bf when you hooked up with her. she was a cheater then, she is a cheater now.

 

if this is what you want to save, then my man, you have to do what you have to do. but if you think you will ever save something that will only come back to bite you in the ass again, and again, and again, then I really don't know what to say.

[Kidd]

One thing I might add...

 

I did contact the OM in my case (actually arranged a meeting with him) but it was AFTER my W had already broken it off with him and agreed to the rest of my terms. I felt like I had her word (not that it was worth much at the time) but I felt like he was the other half of the equation. He was also married and his wife didn't know. I used that to force his hand. I wanted to hear from him what his intentions were with my wife and to communicate that I was not going to be f*cked with. Later on I told the other man's wife because she deserved to know. Others would also say that in the event that the affair had continued, exposure of the A takes away all of the excitement for them which helps to kill the affair and that the OMW is another set of eyes to keep them apart. For me, my W is lucky she stuck to her word and stopped or I wouldn't need another set of eyes; I just would've looked up my attorney's phone number.

[jnj express]

If you do wanna contact the other guy--it is for one thing only---to let him know you are gonna tell his wife everything----give him zero time limit---tell him the contact stops as of yesterday---otherwise you have no other contact with him

 

Your wife is who you have your beef with---it is she who must be accountable for her actions----what you actually decide to do, is up to you---but do not be wishy-washy about it---you need to be hard about her cheating-------being forgiving, and forgetting the cheating---will only get you more cheating----and it seems like your wife is already VERY predisposed to cheat

 

Also eventually you do tell the other wife, no matter what, she deserves to know

[Where To]

I contacted the OM.

 

It helped me find some form of closure during the reconciliation process, to learn what he was thinking.

 

My personal opinion is that you should do it, but plan ahead and think about all the possible consequences first.

 

You did choose your poison.

[analystfromhell]

If you do wanna contact the other guy--it is for one thing only---to let him know you are gonna tell his wife everything----give him zero time limit---tell him the contact stops as of yesterday---otherwise you have no other contact with him

 

Also eventually you do tell the other wife, no matter what, she deserves to know

 

Thanks, yours like everyone elses advice is great. I've said I'll only meet up if we meet as a group (wife included) which I'm guessing will never happen as the two of them would probably not like even a wiff of this to reach the wife. She has agreed to no more contact so we'll see how that goes- more likely she'll just go more covert but if I catch even a wiff it's straight to an attorney. Since I also cheated, even though I was separated that's how I see it, I initially figured it was a "true love" sort of thing. Naive evidently.

[linwood]

Don`t contact the OM.

 

Go straight to his wife, toss a big fat wrench in his marriage the same way he`s tossed one in yours.

 

That is the fastest and most certain way to get your wife to stop talking to him.

[PegNosePete]

As far as calling up and telling them in front of you that there will be no contact nope. I was on the receiving end of about 4 of those calls and the last was as ridiculous as the first. Forcing someone to do something like that or writing a letter is so transparent and comes across as desperate. It might make a BS feel better but as an OW I can say it was normally worth a chuckle.

Well, it's not for the benefit of the OM or the WS. It's setting a boundary for the continuing relationship. It is a way of cementing, "if you ever contact him again then you know the consequences". There should never be 4 of these calls, or 3, or even 2. If you have to force the WS to make this call a second time then she clearly does not care to fix the marriage and it's time to call a lawyer.

[analystfromhell]

I see my wife's feelings as basically out of my span of control- maybe eventually she'll see in me again the things which see finds attractive then again, maybe not. As far as he goes, pushing him away (the letter or other actions) may only reinforce her feelings but I think it would at least temporarily make him hesitate and break up the momentum so she won't be running as breakneck towards an affair as it seems she currently is. Either way, I'm guessing this will be brought up for a long time whenever an example of my suckiness is needed. She's been like crazy angry for the last few days- getting into a fight with a guy in a parking lot, yelling at other drivers, accusing me of being standoffish and rude in social situations and so on. All of which seem completely out of line to me. Resentment towards me perhaps...

 

When his wife comes back I think it might be worthwhile to put a printout out of what transpired in the mail; serve the ****er right. I'm not even sure he's actually married as it seems there's much less reference to his family than I would expect from even an unhappily married man (there's a transcript of one of these convos in another thread I started).

 

I can't really enforce the no contact as they work together and it's so easy to go covert these days.

 

What experience have you had in counseling- does it ever illicit the cheater to come clean with their motivations? I assume not but then they are professional people readers.

[PegNosePete]

I can't really enforce the no contact as they work together

It's easier to find a new job than a new husband.

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't contact the OM. What for? He doesn't give a damn about your marriage, he certainly won't give a damn about you. If he is married he will give a damn about you telling his wife. He certainly will give a damn about HR breathing down his neck about him carring on an affair on the company dime.

 

If you just approach him? He won't care, they'll just learn how to hide it better from you. But if you start telling others about it. The fantasy and the thrill of the affair will lose it's glamor.

 

Cheaters are like cockroaches, they love the dark, but once you turn on the light, they scatter. So, you need to bring this into the light.

[cheating-husband]

If you do wanna contact the other guy--it is for one thing only---to let him know you are gonna tell his wife everything----give him zero time limit---tell him the contact stops as of yesterday---otherwise you have no other contact with him

 

Your wife is who you have your beef with---it is she who must be accountable for her actions----what you actually decide to do, is up to you---but do not be wishy-washy about it---you need to be hard about her cheating-------being forgiving, and forgetting the cheating---will only get you more cheating----and it seems like your wife is already VERY predisposed to cheat

 

Also eventually you do tell the other wife, no matter what, she deserves to know

 

I truly agree. It's good to talk to your wife and ask her if she still wants to save the marriage. If she said yes, tell her what you expect she will do so you can trust her again. Just be firm on your rules and decision.

[BeyondtheClouds]

I would contact the OM. IT would be interesting to hear things from his side. Wouldn't that funny if he also said, Your wife?!?! that street urchin. This is going to close down when my wife gets back. Your could also tell your wife that anyway. You're destabilised. She needs to be as well.

 

I would also tell the OM's wife.

 

But that's just me, I'm into a scorched earth policy.

 

I do agree that

1. It will not necessarily make him backoff.

2. His wife may already know about the affair, so I wouldn't even use that as a bargaining chip.

3. IF you and your wife stay together after this, she knows what you're capable of. Maybe this will slow her down.

[Memphis Raines]

When his wife comes back I think it might be worthwhile to put a printout out of what transpired in the mail; serve the ****er right.

 

oh I agree he needs to be outed.

 

But if it serves "the ****er right", then your wife is a "****er" too.

 

If you want to give him what he justly deserves, what about your wife?

[sadcalifornian]

I never understand the people who advise not to contact OMW. There is a huge difference between the OM being single and OM being married. If the OM is married and has no intention to D his W, then there is no future for MOM and WW. They are just cake eating. In such case, you should inform OMW by all means. In most cases, that will end the contact immediately. And, it will wake WW out of the fog as well.

 

I just don't get people saying "Well, I don't want to inflict further pain on the poor woman. She has not done anything wrong" crap. Or, "my M is ruined, but I don't want to see their M ruined as well". Hey, come on!

 

At some point, I can't help questioning the sanity of the BH more than that of the foggy WW.

[analystfromhell]

I ended up sending the stuff to the OW. My wife had a cow as did our MC. Supposedly it resulted in NC at work and her being regarded as "crazy" although I've seen no particular evidence of either and IMHO she is still seeking some level of approval or affection from the guy. I didn't actually talk with the other wife and he told my wife his wife (hopefully you can follow that) it was "no big deal" to his wife though I find this VERY hard to believe. My wife still has shown no real remorse for her actions and as far as I can tell is still pretty much in denial. She finally decided to seek individual counseling so we'll see how that goes.

[country_gurl]

I ended up sending the stuff to the OW. My wife had a cow as did our MC. Supposedly it resulted in NC at work and her being regarded as "crazy" although I've seen no particular evidence of either and IMHO she is still seeking some level of approval or affection from the guy. I didn't actually talk with the other wife and he told my wife his wife (hopefully you can follow that) it was "no big deal" to his wife though I find this VERY hard to believe. My wife still has shown no real remorse for her actions and as far as I can tell is still pretty much in denial. She finally decided to seek individual counseling so we'll see how that goes.

 

You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig.

 

Your wife was cheating on her live-in partner when she got involved with you years ago. Your relationship started out based on a foundation of lies and deceit. And now she's cheated on you. Are you really surprised?

[analystfromhell]

You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig.

 

Your wife was cheating on her live-in partner when she got involved with you years ago. Your relationship started out based on a foundation of lies and deceit. And now she's cheated on you. Are you really surprised?

 

No I guess NOT really surprised which is what brought me to check on her to begin with. Moreover in MC she's consistently said her fear is to be old and alone- note no mention of me except by omission. She's started individual counseling though so perhaps that will improve things. I've continued to monitor her comms except at work where I have no access. I presume she still holds feelings for the guy but for sure if there's ANY action with that guy or another it's immediately to the lawyer for me.

[jnj express]

Believe me the other wife knows, and has reacted---your wife's lover is downplaying, and covering his butt

 

As to your wife---you need to remember she left a relationship to be with you---so she just may be the type, that hangs around for a few years, then wants to move on----You might wanna check FOO and see if there were problems there for her.

 

Your MC, should not have said one word about you sending other wife, the info---it is her right to know what she has for a H.

 

As long as your wife works with this guy---this is gonna be a problem

 

Just take care of yourself

[Owl]

So what are you doing to enforce CHANGE in this situation? What real consequences is your wife suffering for her affair, and her continued contact with OM?

 

What are you DOING about this?

[analystfromhell]

I'm trying to see if the relationship is worth/can be salvaged which is very much in doubt at the moment. We're in MC and until that breaks down completely I'll stick with it. If things aren't better, much better in the +6 month range (meaning Dec/Jan of this year) then we'll see.

 

As far as consequences, that's good question. So far I'm not creative enough to come up with much beyond the black/white go/no go decision. I am postponing any integration of our finances for at least a few years while this settles out and am glad we've had separate finances until now. Objectively, I'm not sure things are getting any better but it's only been a few months after the PA so I figure the PITA of getting a divorce is worth a bit of investment in MC. A lot has come out- she's afraid of dying alone for one which I found insulting as if it continues to appear her motivation is not for me but to avoid loneliness then I am more and more inspired to end things.

 

It is, all in all, not a happy time for me.

[Owl]

Have you considered enforcing a seperation if she continues to maintain contact with him? Considered INSISTING upon a change of jobs (since there's no way you're gonna rebuild trust while she still has any "work" contact with him) to enforce NC?

 

As far as consequences...have you exposed her affair to friends/family in an effort to gain their support in getting her to end the affair?

 

Have you made it clear to her that if the contact continues, it's going to lead to divorce/seperation?

 

Have you discussed the concept of NC and how to enforce/maintain it with your MC?

 

Have you asked your MC what his/her "plan" is to rebuild/reconcile your marriage, and what changes need to be enforced to meet that goal?