torn between lies

[ROCCHERA]

I have the porn problem and having a hard time coming to terms with it. My husband of 9 months, been together 3 yrs, denies it of course and is becoming very mean when I bring it up.

 

I walked in on him and a girlie magazine one day when I had an idea something was not right, that gut feeling thing, sometimes its a curse. Said he's always done it and wouldn't do it again. He had 13 videos also which he used and threw those out blaming them on his ex-wife, and muttering he should have put syrup in her VCR. Then the computer porn pics started showing up in the garbage, nicely stained, and that got me. Promises, all broken and 4 fights later he's still at it, I bought the Checkmate thing just to be sure, but the gut again had already told me. He gave me an excuse that when his ex was cheating on him he used the porn pics so he wouldn't have to have sex with her.

 

He once told me I could have pictures too, I could not see that then, but I'm learning the hard way I MAY NEED THEM.

 

Anyway he does his thing at work before he comes home or when he gets there in the morning, I need some input, please.

[FolderWife]

I had the same problem with my husband acting all innocent, and whacking off behind my back. I threw out all the videos, and playboys, but it didn't change. He had so much access to porn, and was getting off to it so much that I wasn't getting any sex. I finally bought a dildo, and just had sex with him when he initiated it. He never got off though. Not until he took a hammer to the computer screen.

 

Recently, he started ordering payperview again, and just became a jerk. I was still getting sex, but he was coming up with new moves.

 

Any way, I could do without his angry behavior, so I confronted him about the porn, and we have been arguing for about 2 weeks.

 

What kind of help are you looking for? We have members on here that have been dealing with this for 13 years!!!

[FolderWife]

P.S. I believe if I had to chose between my husband looking at porn, or my husband lying to me, I'd chose my husband looking at porn. Even though every time he whacks off to another woman's body it feels like he's cheated on me, I'd rather have complete honesty in our marriage. But alas, porn and lies go hand in hand. If your man is looking at work, then I don't know how you'd keep up with how much he's looking!

 

Does he whack off at work!?!? He sounds addicted to me!

[shnooks]

For all of you who are having problems with your SO and him masterbating to porn, and lack of sex with you, here is a link that, for the first time ever, has shed some light on this problem with me and my fiance. Weight was litterally lifted when I found this website. Unfortunately, the thing costs like $8 but it is Sooooo worth it!!

 

Here is the description:

 

Sexual Anorexia is a relatively new term to the field of sexual addiction. The sexual addict who actively withholds sexual, emotional and spiritual intimacy from their spouse or significant relationship while acting out with themselves or others has been an anomaly for sex addition treatment providers. This article gives a history of the hyposexual disorder as well as a broadening of the term sexual anorexia and offers a clear diagnostic criteria of sexual anorexia for the sexual addiction treatment provider. Includes research.

 

http://www.sexaddict.com/SAeBkForm.html

 

The main website that it comes from is also a plethora of information on the subject.

 

http://www.sexaddict.com/

[ROCCHERA]

I'm looking for the answer that will put my marriage back the way it was promised. But I have a sinking feeling that he might take porn, after all he's

been with them longer than me. I also want my husband to look to me for

his sexual needs, not some porn pics. I can tell by the look on his face and his body language when he gets home and I hide my pain. Then I check and sure enough.

 

I have tried to go with the, all men do this, attitude but I'm scared there's more to this than I know. I had hoped my being hurt and distraught over this would

help but he seems to go at it even more. I tried the leaving Love Shack page titled Is It Cheating on the seat of my car and did I ever get chewed up for

bringing that stuff in our house. He leveled me, emotionally, I could'nt speak for hours I was so upset. It all became my problem, nothing to do with him. I can only write at work so he doesn't see it on our computer.

[FolderWife]

My husband pulled that crap. Lying, and masterbating, and then telling me that I couldn't talk on loveshack, and that our problems were nobody's business but ours. Phooy. If he can look at porn, and lie to me, then I can vent about it, and it's none of his business. Why do our partners think they have a right to do whatever the heck they want, but they can forbid us from doing what we want?

 

His porn is not YOUR problem, it's BOTH OF YOUR PROBLEM. In a marriage, the partners are a team, and what one does directly effects what the other can do, and how the other feels. He is being selfish by continuing to look at porn, and he is disrespecting you by lying! How can a marriage work without honesty and trust?

 

I'll tell you how I've coped. My husband looks at porn. I've begged him not to. My husband continues to look at porn, but now, hides it and lies about it. I told my husband how it made me feel, and he said he understood and promised never to do it again. My husband continued to look at porn and lie about it.

 

I have little to no respect for my husband. Yes, I respect that he is a hard worker, and a good provider, and I am proud that he is generally a good man. He hasn't respected me at all, though. Now, if I spend money, I don't tell him. If I talk on loveshack, I don't tell him. If he asks me if I have spent money or looked on loveshack, I look him in the eye, and tell him no. I lie to him without a shred of guilt. I tried to be a good person, and not let this effect me, but my only coping mechanism, is to do to him what he does to me.

 

I don't respect him. I think he's a stupid person, who's a fool not to know how much money I waste, and he's a fool to believe that I'm going to stop talking online, just because he asks me to. I would stop, if he gave me the respect of stopping, but he won't, so why should I?

 

I used to do whatever he asked, and let him make me feel guilty about things like discussing our marriage with others, but now I say phooy on him.

 

It's not the marriage I wanted, or want, but it's the hand I got dealt. I didn't know that porn would become such a huge problem in our marriage. When we were dating, he doted over me, and I was all he needed. Suddenly when the gold band went on my finger, he needed bigger boobs, longer legs, blonder hair, and more makeup. What could I do? I can divorce him, or cope the best I can.

 

I don't know how you are going to get porn out of your life. I'm still struggling. I thought it was gone, but BAM it's back. We are dealing again, and it's ALL HIS FAULT!!!

 

Don't let him tell you what to do. Don't let him make you feel bad. Don't tell yourself that all men do it. Even if all men did do it, doesn't mean you have to put up with it. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would he?!?!?

 

How can you feel bad, when it's all him?

 

My husband told me he looked at porn, because I only had sex when I wanted to. I felt bad, but then I got to thinking and realized that he never wanted to have sex with me...EVER!!! I turned him down maybe 3 times our entire marriage. I'm the one who always gets turned down.

 

He made any excuse in the world....he even went as far as to tell me that if I had big boobs, he wouldn't need to look at porn any more, because he'd have his own model at home.

 

Yeah, that made me feel just great.

 

Nothing I do is going to make him stop. He wants to look at other women, and I can't stop him. I thought maybe I was crazy, but I asked my best friend if she and her husband ever watched porn. She said that they watched a movie together and laughed at it. Then she said that while they watched TOGETHER, she caught him with a hard on, and blew a gasket! She said he insisted that he got hard imagining the two of them doing what was on TV together. She said that she wasn't stupid!! She says they don't watch porn any more.

 

So it's not that we're crazy...most women don't want their men desiring other women! DUH!! Those of us who have men who lust and drool over sluts don't like it, but we are convinced by one person or another that it's perfectly normal.

 

Bull ****! If a man wants porn, he shouldn't get married!

[ROCCHERA]

I want to thank you for the reply, I also feel like doing things and not telling him,

my secrets are minor, like shopping or talking to someone and not telling him, I

am not a cheater or flirt. My husband is a great provider, good family man and kind in all other areas. This porn thing is something I feel he is trying to keep from me and protect, all the while telling me I'm his best friend and partner and how much he loves me. I HAVE TRIED to get past this porn thing but why he does this everyday at work , is so tired when he gets home, and I get hugs and cute words during the week and then I get sex on the weekend. But the porn pics

get him everyday. The whole thing is making me think our marriage is a sham

and all he wants is someone to keep him company, I'd like to know what he thinks he's going to do when we retire in say 10 years and we are together

all the time. I think I deserve better than this, I WANT TO BE WANTED FOR ME.

[FolderWife]

Honey, I understand. My husband would get up on his day off and cook me breakfast...then an hour later while I was at work, he'd whack off to porn for an hour! Then, if I'd come home for lunch wanting attention, I got blown off. My secrets are minor as well, but they help me to feel in control, if that makes sense. If he looks at porn and lies, and I tell him all my truths, then he's in control of himself, and I'm vulnerable to him. If I have my secrets and he has his, then we are both in control.

 

If he would be open and vulnerable to me, then I could be open and vulnerable to him.

 

It does make it feel like your marriage is a sham! I feel like it too! You go on loving him based on how he treats you, and the things he does with/for you, then you find out that all this time you have been trusting him, and feeling sexy with him, and believing him, he's been lying to you!

 

I remember arguing with my husband and telling him how it felt, and how he was destroying our relationship, and making it so we couldn't possibly be close, and I remember asking him if this is the kind of relationship he wanted.

 

Of course they want us to be loving doting wives while they do whatever they want. No, that's not how it is. If they want to be selfish liars, then that's what they are going to be married to as far as I'm concerned.

 

See what this has turned me into? I'm a bitter old bat at the age of 21! I didn't want this to control me and change me the way it has, but since I didn't leave in the beginning, I've had to change in order to remain with him....a liar!

[Allison124]

Hi, I just found this site. My situation is pretty much just like you guys. I am 23, my husband is 24. We have a 20 month old son and I just found out that I am pregnant with the second one. The first time I found porn on his computer was 2 and 1/2 years ago - before we got married or had kids. God, I wish I had left then but I didn't realize at the time that it was going to turn into this big of a deal. He lied about it at first of course saying that someone else had come over and used his computer. Stupid lie, but I wanted it to be true so bad. It hasn't stopped since then. I kept thinking that things were better and then all of the sudden I would find it again and I would confront him and he would lie. It's this viscious, never ending circle. The worst part is, I decided that instead of making him change (since I realized that he wasn't going to) I would work with him. I decided to try to make porn a part of our sex life. The worst thing in the world to me is to not be able to trust him. I figured this way, he got what he wanted and so did I - He wouldn't have a reason to lie. That worked for a while, I even really started to like looking at porn. I thought everything was cool. But the other night, I checked the history and found that he had looked at the porn we had on our computer two nights in a row after I went to bed. It just kills me!! I did everything I could. I have told this man over and over again that ALL I want is respect and honesty. But I just realized thats its just not going to happen. I can't believe that I am bringing another child into the world with a man who will lie to me for the rest of our lives. I don't know how he can do that. The lies just fall out of his mouth like its no problem at all for him to do it! I found that he had done it one night and confronted him before I really checked the other nights. So, we had a really long fight/talk (with mostly me talking) and he of course swore up and down that he was going to fix this and he stayed up and wrote me a letter about how he would be honest and if he messed up at all he would tell me. Blah blah blah. Then I checked the computer again and realized he had done it the night before too!! I confronted him and he started sobbing like a little baby saying that I dont deserve him. GOD!!! I have no idea what to do. Please help me. Allison

[FolderWife]

Ugh, been there done that I thought that looking with him, and telling him that he could look, and looking myself would help too. It didn't. I thought that I could settle for him not lying, but I couldn't. I'm sorry, but when I got married, I didn't want to share my husband with women sexier than me! I genuinely thought it was over.

 

He'd still lie if I asked him about it though. He used to lie, and say that he didn't whack off to it....then it finally occured to me that the reason I wasn't getting any was because he was getting satisfied elsewhere. I thought he was cheating, I thought he was gay...I didn't know what to think!

 

When he broke the computer, I thought it would finally be over. I then had a long talk, and told him how it made me feel, and he promised never to do it again. I threw out all the porn tapes, and playboys. I started trusting him. I thought that without internet access, things would be ok.

 

Then he ordered pay per view! He'd done that before, and I looked right at the bill and found it! He said he wouldn't do that any more, because, "Pay per view doesn't show anything! it's a waste of money" Well, just last month he ordered 7!!!!! our Cable bill has leaped from $60 to $114 this month. If I find pay per view again, that cable box is going back!

 

I'm sick of dealing with this. I deserve better. I've tried to be patient, I've tried reasoning, I've tried yelling, I've tried crying, I've tried begging, I've tried changing, I've tried barganing, I've tried looking too, BUT NOTHING WORKS!!! Nothing will take away the pain of my husband cheating on me with 20 different bleach blond women a day.

 

So now, I'm just going to fight it with everything in me! I'm going to get rid of anything that lets porn into his life.

[ROCCHERA]

Well here Iam and that's not good. I am so sad I can't think straight, I want to cry

but thats not going to help. I don't want him to touch me any more, I don't

believe he really loves me, I am seriously considering divorce, I can't live like this.

 

I don't believe this man truly cares about my feelings, I'm looking at him and my

heart turns cold. The horrible thing is I love him like no one else and he is destroying me. I am looking in the mirror and wondering why? I've taken care of myself, told how pretty I am, how sweet, how loving and all that crap. I will not

become him, I will leave first. I deserve to be happy and I am only pretending

to be when we are together. This has become a nightmare.

[FolderWife]

rocchera, I'm so sorry that you feel so helpless. I too wanted a divorce at one point. It's hard, because I'm not sure what I'd be leaving over! It feels like I've been cheated on with 100 different women! It feels like my husband is unsatisfied with my body, and the way I look! It feels like he thinks I'm not worth being honest with! It feels like my husband doesn't think I deserve the respect of him not lusting after every slut that is willing to have sex on TV, or take her clothes off for a magazine! I can't say that I'm leaving him because he looks at porn, I'm leaving him for a bunch of different reasons.

 

I'm not entirely sure he sees my side of it! I sat down, and cried, and told him how insecure, inadequate, unrespected, and unattractive his porn usage made me feel, but he held me, and told me that he didn't need it any more Then not even a month later, I catch him watching it AGAIN!!! That spells ultimate unlove to me! How could he do it yet again, after all the tears I've cried, begging him never to make me feel that way again.

 

He had the nerve to say I was acting like an idiot over nothing when I was bawling my eyes out the other day.

 

I started cussing, and saying that i wish there was a porno where normal looking clothed women brutally murdered every single slut on the movie. I said I'd pay to watch that. I called porn stars bitches for putting themselves out there for stupid men like him to watch. I was SO ANGRY AND FULL OF HATE at that moment, but I was afraid to direct it at him.

 

I have fought so hard against porn, yet that man that claims to love me choses my enemy over me TIME AND AGAIN!

 

So honey, if anyone knows where you are coming from, it's me. I hate to give up my husband to smut movies, but it is starting to look like I have no choice. He has given it up to my knowledge since our last argument, but how long is it going to last?

 

One more thing he said that eats at me.....he said, "I need time to myself away from you." I work until 7 oclock twice a week, and he called me from home at 3 today. That's four freaking hours he has by himself. I am the one who has not time alone. I work all day, and come home to him. I never have a moment alone. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!!

 

It sounds like, "Honey, I need time with other women besides you. I need to have sex with women besides you. I need to see sexy bodies besides yours. Your body isn't enough for me; I have to have more!"

 

The only reason he doesn't go get another woman, is because that WOULD be cheating, and then I would have a valid reason to leave

 

I think that if I allowed him to have sex with any woman walking, HE WOULD!!!

 

no, actually when I asked if he would, he said, "No, I respect you to much for that."

 

BULL ****!

[cagirl]

Gosh you guys...I wish I had known about this website last year. I too am experiencing the same problem with my husband.

 

What I don't understand is why these men won't make a compromise. Isn't that what marriage is made of? In addition to a sex life, my husband has pornl, and then he has all the other things I'm willing to do in order to win out against the porn. Like we've made our own videos, taken pictures etc. He's told me that its just a visual stimulation...well then why can't he look at OUR pictures or videos for visual stimulation?

 

The only compromise here is that we've all done whatever we thought could be done in order to change this behavior but to no avail. And I ask myself, if my husband relayed to me that for whatever reason he wanted me to try to change/alter a behavior of mine that was really important to me then I would do it.

 

I mean really, if I was approached by my husband and confronted about a behavior of mine that was killing his self esteem, making him feel paranoid about his role in the marriage, he was beginning to not trust me, then right there...I'd stop whatever it was. The rest of the world would be put on hold until I let him know that nothing is important enough to make him question his role in the marriage. If I thought I couldn't do it on my own, I'd get counseling...whatever it takes.

 

This is what I don't understand about men...how come they can't do the same thing? I know they understand self esteem and confidence. I never thought men had much stereotypical pressures before I met my husband and he opened my eyes to the pressures of men to be tall and muscular, manly, athletic, etc. There is a certain stigma among the man world for men to live up to. Maybe not as severe as what women go through, but its there. So I know that my husband has some concept of what he is doing to me.

 

I don't like what I've turned into as a result of all of this. I constantly check the computer history...he knows more about computers so I know he hides them where I can't find them. I'm paranoid about it, its like I'm to the point now where I want to 'catch' him. That just sounds so disgusting to say.

 

Really the best advice I can give is to nip it in the bud the first time you find out about it. If it doesn't bother you then great... I wish I was that lucky. But it bothers me...it doesn't just bother me it breaks my spirit to know that he is fully aware of what his actions do to me. Furthermore...he knows I don't want him to do it...so when he does it does he think to himself "gosh, I know this would really hurt her?" If he doesn't have moral conscious enough to stop himself with himself how could he stop himself with someone else?

 

I gave him a warning after I found out about it and said I'd leave him if he did it again. Well...in may i bought a one way ticket home. He promised we'd go to counseling and after a month I came home. We never went to counseling. I couldn't get him to go. I don't think it would help him anyway because I know he wouldn't be receptive to it. The only thing thats different now is he is more careful about getting caught. He's done it at least three times I've found out since may and the only thing I can say is that it is no longer his problem...but its become mine because I didn't stick to my guns when it first happened. I can't blame him anymore...even though Istill do...but really I'm the one who keeps allowing it so who do I really have to blame?

[FolderWife]

MY GOD, I KNOW!!!!! You are exactly right, and I've cried that exact same thing to my husband dozens of times. I told him that if he wanted me to stop doing something for ANY reason, I'D STOP IT!!! I changed myself 300 different ways to try and accept his porn, but to absolutely no avail! Has he changed a single thing? nooooooo! He will stop for a little while, but then one day out of the blue, theres women's cootchies all over the TV or computer again!

 

I don't understand this! The only thing that makes any sense at all is that he's addicted to it some way.

 

I understand this, because I'm a bit of a hypocrit in a way. He yells at me every time I waste money on anything. I am pretty much addicted to shopping. Try as I might, I get these intense hankerings to go buy something, when I get it in my head that I need it (like this morning...I told myself that I needed a new white shirt...now it's all I can do not to go buy one) even though he says over and over to stop spending money.

 

Does it hurt his self esteem? no!

Does it crush his spirit? no!

Does it make him not trust me? maybe...he hasn't told me that though...

 

It's not so much going behind my back. It's not so much lusting after other women. Even though those things hurt like heck, the issue now is more about how little the man that claimed to love me forever cares about me! He'd rather hurt me and get off, than refrain and suffer himself 10 minutes of whacking pleasure! I don't care if he whacks off.....just don't lust after another woman so blatantly when he's doing it.

 

I had a male friend tell me one time that married men never fantasize about their wives. He went as far as to tell me that while he's having sex with his wife, he's thinking of some girl he saw walk by him earlier that day!

 

That REALLY makes me want to be intimate with my husband. I've talked to other men who said it's not true.

 

If my husband wants visual stimulation, then why doesn't he look at me?

[FolderWife]

P.S. How dare my husband get angry when I spend money, WHEN HE WENT AND BLEW $9.99 A POP ON PAY PER VIEW PORN!???!???!???!??

[Silver]

My boyfriend goes to porno sites and watches them on the TV as well, he also lies about it to me. I have tried telling him time after time, just be honest with me and I won't be so p*ssed off. Of course he still lies straight to my face. He says when I tell you, you get mad, I said and do you know why I get mad? Because I had to ask you 20 times while you deny all of it, I actually have to find the proof and show it to you, which you will still try to deny, then I fight you for the truth, and that's why I get mad - because you lie about it, just be honest with me! He also masterbates (I've found the kleenex, t-shirts, blankets, etc that he came onto) which he also he also lies about. Once he was in the computer room surfing porn, I was lying in bed - I could see the monitor from the angle I was lying at, he stayed there for a good long time, the dog jumped up because he heard a noise outside, I guess my boyfriend thought it was me getting out of bed, he shut down all browsers/newsgroups immediately. The next day I asked him if he went to pornos the night before he said no, I said come one be honest with me, he said no I didn't, I am being honest, I said I SAW WHAT YOU WERE SURFING! He said you never saw such thing, I wasn't at pornos. So you all see what I mean, even when I "catch" him, I really don't, I need the proof in my hands or refresh the internet history to him (which he likes to delete these days).

 

I feel like I'm not pretty enough or good enough for him, I feel when we do have sex his mind wanders to all those videos/pictures he's watched and doesn't focus on "us". If he would just be honest with me, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad, maybe we could have even watched them together. Sadly he just doesn't get that in his head.

 

He lies about other things too (which frustrates me to no end), so this is just icing on the cake <no pun intended>.

 

JUST BE HONEST WITH ME FOR CRYING OUTLOUD!! I don't know what else to say to him anymore, I'm tired of begging him to be honest with me.

[FolderWife]

Do you know about cookies.....my husband didn't. He could delete the history (because I showed him how...because I trusted him...but when our computer kept getting spyware on it, I knew that he was looking and deleting the history) BUT THEN I discovered cookies You can see the exact date and time he looked at something That helped me...my husband always ALWAYS viewed for either 40 minutes, or an hour and a half. 40 minutes is about how long it takes me to get him hard and get him off..so hmmmmm, wonder what he did while he viewed

 

You know, he used to lie to me, and tell me that he didn't masterbate while he looked at dirty pictures (he used to look at free pictures, but then he joined a site) I lied, and told him that when I looked, I masterbated. Then a couple of months later when I asked him again, he said, "Yeah I masterbate to them...you do too!"

 

I believed he didn't...so that's why it took me so long to figure out why he never wanted to have sex with me. The other day when he was mean and angry with me, I KNEW he was looking again, because that's exactly how he acts towards me when he is looking. I guess he feels guilty for doing it, so he pushes me away and hurts me, so I won't find out...and that's a dead give away!

 

I hate porn. I wish it didn't exist. One poster did make a good point....if he can't control himself alone, how is he going to control himself with another woman?!

 

I said before, but I'll restate it: When I asked him why he looked again, he said, "I don't know, it just happened."

[FolderWife]

I can't believe that I'm going through this AGAIN! I can't BELIEVE he'd put me through this AGAIN!!! I told him the last time all the pain it caused me, and how I never want to feel that way again, but he did it to me AGAIN! HE'S SO SELFISH!!! Maybe we should all just get a divorce, and move on from the pain it's never going to end I've lost all hope now I thought the last time that we talked he understood. He did understand. He just did it any way! That hurts so much! Before, I thought that he didn't get it. Before, I thought he didn't understand. But a month after all this happened, I cried and explained how hard I tried to accept it, and how bad it made me feel every day of my life, and HE HELD ME AND SAID HE DIDN'T NEED IT ANY MORE.

 

Then he did it again anyway! I'm in tears right now. I'm at work in tears. I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning, and all I could think about was how he hurt me again. Last time, I could excuse it, and say that he didn't understand how it made me feel...this time, I know he just didn't care about me. He didn't love me enough to care about what he was doing to me. He knows I look at the cable bill, but he ordered pay per view! He knew that I'd find out about it, yet he did not care! He even went so far as to leave a recording of it in the VCR, so that I'd almost definately find it!

 

It feels like he hurt me on purpose!!!

[ROCCHERA]

I am sorry for all of us and the pain is numbing my heart. Yesterday and the past couple days he comes home all sweet and thoughtful, you know why? I know the reason, because he senses my distance, he says he loves coming home to me

and how beautiful I am and on and on, one word- GUILT. It is so sad our lifes have come down to dinner on the table, laundry, and company while they sleep.

 

Am I bitter, yes. I hope that all that porn these guys love keeps them company

in their old age or better yet maybe they can find someone like them, cold and

impersonal and lying cheats. Am I almost there, this weekend could be the

turning point in my life again. I don't see how I can make it without telling him what a bastard I see him as. The mystery is how they can ruin the love of their lives (ACCORDING TO HIM) for porn. I can't take the lies anymore and I refuse

to see his side, has he seen mine, won't even listen.

[FolderWife]

Agreed. We are apparently not important to them at all. To them, all we are is live in maids. They'd rather watch blond big boobed bimbos bounce up and down on some stranger, than love their wives enough to stop.

 

I feel so unimportant in his life. I could probably leave, and he wouldn't even miss me He'd probably be glad that I left! Then he could jack off to porn with no guilt at all

[cagirl]

I think another reason why it hurts so much is because all of us are real, flesh and blood. We're supposed to be the most important things to our partner. Why would my partner want to substitute me for the computer? That's what I feel...my husbands cheating on me with the computer. And not to disrespect anyone here but why would anyone want to spend ALL their free time substituting sex on the computer when there's a huge, active world out there that the two of us could be enjoying together?

 

My husband has a lying problem too. Its about stupid things like one of his friends goofed up and mentioned his smoking habit. What smoking habit? That was news to me. Why can't he just tell me? Does he really think I'm a big ogar or an old hag thats going to nag on him? I tell him, "what makes you think I'll be less mad after I find something out than if you had just told me in the first place?"

 

I told him, "how would you like it if in the middle of the night I got out of bed with my dildo and looked up some man porn on the computer?" I know that it would piss him off...especially if he was THERE in the house because he'd be pissed that I wasn't having sex with him. But that's what he does to me.

 

And I've told him every time he gets an urge to masturbate to tell me...let me know first. Maybe I can help him out you know? He says,"you're just going to shoot me down, I know it." But, he can't just sell me out before he even gives me an opportunity. That's not fair.

 

I know men masturbate and I totally accept that but why do they choose to live in fantasy as opposed to reality? My husband thinks he can buy out of it by saying ALL men do this. ALL men get these urges. Well, yeah I can agree with all men getting urges but I believe that some men are strong enough to have self control...especially when they know how much it hurts their wives.

 

If my husband were to have had an affair I'd ask, "What was going on in your mind? Did I come up at least once? Did you think about how much you'd be hurting me? Guilt, shame, was any of that present when you were commiting this act?" That's also what I'd like my husband to answer when he masturbates to porn, fully knowing how much it hurts me. If he has no moral conscious to stop himself with himself, or even think about me when he's with himself, how do I know he'd be strong enough to turn down a very eager, pushy woman. And ladies...we all know how women can be when they really want something or are determined...they get it.

 

So even if my husband wasn't looking for something outside the marriage and a very pushy, very blunt woman came along I'm not so sure he'd had the willpower to turn it down.