So i cheated...

[Feeling]

Ok, lets cut to the chase. I cheated on my wife. Partly because I feel I have fallen out of love with her. After talking with her about not being in love anymore, I have basically said I think we should split up. I have not told her I cheated. Now she is asking me to go to therapy to fix problems I may have so that we can fall in love again.

 

Yes, I have made a huge mess of things, and am basically looking to end my relationship with my wife, not to go to the girl I have cheated on her with, but because I think the marriage needs to be over. She keeps insisting that we can fall in love again.

 

My question is, should I just tell her I cheated so she is aware of that and can then choose to either still want to fix it or to move on, while at the same time potentially damaging her from trusting someone else? Or do I not reveal this, and end the relationship and let her think I am just an a-hole who isn't willing to try and fix it, while hopfully not making her lose trust in other people?

 

Make sense?

[Feeling]

Right... way to answer the question. The intention is to move on. Its not just a matter of falling out of love, its that in combination with cheating on her. If it were just a matter of falling out of love, I could see the merrit in making the attempt to fix it. But I fell out of love, ok lousy excuse, and then cheated on her, really crappy thing to do.

 

I am under the impression that telling her that I am not in love with her AND I cheated would be a lot more damaging to her than just teling her I am not in love with her anymore and not willing to work on it. My assumption is to not say anything about the cheating, let her think all the bad things about me and what kind of person I am rather than tell her i cheated and possibly give her huge trust issues down the road.

 

Do you agree with this or not?

[Feeling]

And just an FYI, the matter of falling out of love being a cheap excuse is extremely debatable. Plenty of people see it your way, but plenty of people see it as a 100% valid reason to end a relationship. I'm not arguing this point though, I respect your opinion on that matter.

[BetheButterfly]

It's a challenge of marriage and only the true and devoted survive it.

 

You know, sometimes words of wisdom appear after your screenname... fascinating

 

When you're not being jokingly crass, you're actually got profound things to write!

 

True, by the way... "only the true and devoted survive it" : marriage. Marriage is hard.

[vsmini]

I am under the impression that telling her that I am not in love with her AND I cheated would be a lot more damaging to her than just teling her I am not in love with her anymore and not willing to work on it. My assumption is to not say anything about the cheating, let her think all the bad things about me and what kind of person I am rather than tell her i cheated and possibly give her huge trust issues down the road.

 

Do you agree with this or not?

 

I don't know if I buy this. Sounds like you don't want to admit to the cheating - NOW, after you've done the damage you're worried about hurting or damaging her?

You married her - you took vows - you broke them. The least you could do is be honest with her so she can see the entirety of what she's dealing with.

 

what will be more damaging is if you just leave her with out telling her what happens - she's upset and takes time to heal and when she is healed she may find out about it anyway and then she'll be damaged all over again.

 

Just get it all over with. Man up and tell her what you did. Don't hide behind the guise of i don't want to damage her

[Feeling]

Yeah, I got that. She questioned whether I have ever been in love with her the whole time we have been together. It's a long story, we were kids when it started, I was doing what I thought was right at the time. That is neither here nor there.

 

From a wife's standpoint, would you want to hear that your husband has cheated on you and all the hurt and mistrust this may cause and the relationship ends? Or would you rather think your husband... how did you put it... hasn't got the balls to help things out, and just turns tail and runs?

[BetheButterfly]

Ok, lets cut to the chase. I cheated on my wife. Partly because I feel I have fallen out of love with her. After talking with her about not being in love anymore, I have basically said I think we should split up. I have not told her I cheated. Now she is asking me to go to therapy to fix problems I may have so that we can fall in love again.

 

Yes, I have made a huge mess of things, and am basically looking to end my relationship with my wife, not to go to the girl I have cheated on her with, but because I think the marriage needs to be over. She keeps insisting that we can fall in love again.

 

My question is, should I just tell her I cheated so she is aware of that and can then choose to either still want to fix it or to move on, while at the same time potentially damaging her from trusting someone else? Or do I not reveal this, and end the relationship and let her think I am just an a-hole who isn't willing to try and fix it, while hopfully not making her lose trust in other people?

 

Make sense?

 

Feeling,

 

If she truly loves you, she's going to be hurt anyways that you no longer are in love with her.

 

If my fiance ever says that to me, it would crush me and I would be like Bella when Edward broke up with her (in the Twilight saga)

 

Really

 

So, you not telling her that that you cheated on her is not going to take the pain away. She is in pain regardless if she loves you.

 

Before you go to the "grass is greener on the other side" side, please stop for a moment and think about why you fell in love with your wife in the first place, what happened, and please try to fix it.

 

Believe me, the grass is greener on the other side is often a lie.

 

Demon is right in that only the true and devoted survive marriage...

 

if everybody let their emotions and feelings control them, nobody would be married.

 

Please reconsider, especially if your wife loves you. Sex is easy to find. Love is much harder to find, and it would be so sad to throw it away.

 

It is easy to fall in love with people, and if you open your mind to it, you can fall in love with her again.

[Feeling]

Ok, thats more like it, vsmini, valid point about potentially finding out some time later. And while I can't guarantee it wouldn't happen, im pretty certain it won't.

 

I would admit to the cheating if this was the wisest choice. I have already screwed things up enough, and everything has gone too far, that being honest about everything is not an issue, but I just was looking for opinion on this specific matter. I would hurt anyone to know that their SO has cheated, if the relationship is going to end regardless of what information is given, is it reasonable to spare some of the details to avoid some potential major damage.

[Feeling]

Bethebutterfly, I understand what you are saying, I really do. In the few conversations we have had about it, she has brought into question the fact that maybe I never loved her. And I have to admit, from everything she describes, maybe its the truth. Like I said, we were kids and I was trying to do the right thing in the situation we had gotten ourselves in.

 

This is not a grass is green scenario, I don't think. Im not trying to run away with the other girl, I don't want to be a single guy on the town. Im a quite, shy, homebody who loves to be alone. After I screwed things up so bad, I feel the best course of action is like DemonSpeakNow said, move on and let her live the life she deserves with someone who will love her the way she wants, needs, and deserves to be loved. That isn't me, and I am positive of this.

 

So it's going to end, does she need to know every detail? Would you want to know every detail?

[BetheButterfly]

Bethebutterfly, I understand what you are saying, I really do. In the few conversations we have had about it, she has brought into question the fact that maybe I never loved her. And I have to admit, from everything she describes, maybe its the truth. Like I said, we were kids and I was trying to do the right thing in the situation we had gotten ourselves in.

 

So, am I correct in assuming that basically, you never had a soul connection with her? Did she get pregnant and that's when you decided to "do the right thing" and marry her?

 

This is not a grass is green scenario, I don't think. Im not trying to run away with the other girl, I don't want to be a single guy on the town. Im a quite, shy, homebody who loves to be alone.

I am sorry but I am having a hard time understanding why you cheated if you didn't want to be a "single guy on the town." Could you please explain why you cheated?

 

After I screwed things up so bad, I

I have a friend whose husband cheated. He told her and asked forgiveness. They went to counseling together and are now stronger in their relationship than before.

 

What you did is not unforgivable. If she truly loves you and wants to make the marriage work, she will forgive you.

 

feel the best course of action is like DemonSpeakNow said, move on and let her live the life she deserves with someone who will love her the way she wants, needs, and deserves to be loved. That isn't me, and I am positive of this.

Is she positive? If she were positive that you are not the one she wants and needs, than that is one thing. If she thinks she wants and needs you however, then that is much more complicated.

 

So it's going to end, does she need to know every detail? Would you want to know every detail?

If you are adamant that it's going to end, then yes she should know. I would advise to tell her gently and kindly. If she reacts badly, don't yell at her or hurt her in any other way. Just leave. I would suggest telling her when she has a good friend present or a family member she is close to, because she might need their support and love, since you no longer choose to care for her as a person.

 

If, on the other hand, you open your eyes and decide that love is an action, instead of just a come and go feeling, and decide to work on your marriage, I would suggest telling her and being there and asking for forgiveness and offering to make the relationship work. Then, it will be her choice. Again, if she truly loves you, she will want to make it work.

 

If you don't want to be with her anymore, don't hug her or anything, cause that will just hurt her more, but the truth is needed. Just like vaccines sometimes hurt when they go in the skin, they are necessary. The truth, even though painful at the time, will help her heal better than withholding it from her.

[Feeling]

Right, she got pregnant, and it felt like the right thing to do, and as kids(17 and 18) I was not aware of whether I was in love or just happy to have a girlfriend, she was my first. But looking back, there does not feel like there ever was that connection.

 

I cheated, becuase someone wanted me, and after feeling that my wife and I had grown so far apart in everything, this was a powerful feeling. It was too hard to say no to it.

 

I know she might forgive me. The problem for me now, is that she has pointed out that the relationship has been one sided throught it all. She basically laid out for me what a crappy husband I have been. Having grown up a lot since when we first got together, I agree, I am not a good husband.

 

She feels like we can work it all out, that I have huge emotional, trust, and just all sorts of problems that if I go into therapy now, maybe I'll be better someday. But she is missing that key piece of information, that I cheated on her. I don't know if she will feel the same after saying this to her.

[KathyM]

Ok, lets cut to the chase. I cheated on my wife. Partly because I feel I have fallen out of love with her. After talking with her about not being in love anymore, I have basically said I think we should split up. I have not told her I cheated. Now she is asking me to go to therapy to fix problems I may have so that we can fall in love again.

 

Yes, I have made a huge mess of things, and am basically looking to end my relationship with my wife, not to go to the girl I have cheated on her with, but because I think the marriage needs to be over. She keeps insisting that we can fall in love again.

 

My question is, should I just tell her I cheated so she is aware of that and can then choose to either still want to fix it or to move on, while at the same time potentially damaging her from trusting someone else? Or do I not reveal this, and end the relationship and let her think I am just an a-hole who isn't willing to try and fix it, while hopfully not making her lose trust in other people?

 

Make sense?

Tell her the truth--that you had an affair because you didn't have feelings for her anymore. That will be hard to hear, but it needs to be said. People need to know where they stand so they can make choices. She may decide to forgive you and ask to work on the relationship. You would be wise to do that--hope for forgiveness and work on restoring the marriage. You can develop feelings for her again. It happens all the time when people learn to love their spouse again. But she needs to know the truth, because she has a right to know, and to make a choice to try to save the marriage or not.

[Memphis Raines]

My question is, should I just tell her I cheated so she is aware of that and can then choose to either still want to fix it or to move on, while at the same time potentially damaging her from trusting someone else?

 

yes, because the reason she wants to try to "fall in love again" is because she doesn't know what you did.

 

I'd probably behave this way too if a wife wanted to split and I didn't know she banged someone else.

 

I'd be saying, "we can make this work". And then if the wife would have said, "I had sex with someone else", there would be a pause, then I'd say, "in that case, get the #$%!& out"

 

 

 

Or do I not reveal this, and end the relationship and let her think I am just an a-hole who isn't willing to try and fix it, while hopfully not making her lose trust in other people?

 

you do what you want, but at least you will be leaving her instead of staying and cheating on her.

 

and whether you tell her or not, she may not trust anyone again. not trust them to hurt her by falling out of love

[Memphis Raines]

And just an FYI, the matter of falling out of love being a cheap excuse is extremely debatable. Plenty of people see it your way, but plenty of people see it as a 100% valid reason to end a relationship.

 

I absolutely see it as a good reason to end a relationship. But you end it first instead of becoming a cheater.

[Feeling]

As crappy as it may sound KathyM, I dont want to work on the relationship. She is right in saying that I am a bad husband and probably was never really in love with her. Doing my best to make it work, was not what should have happened when we decided to get married. I didn't have any guidance from anyone then, and still don't today.

 

Memphis Raines, I get what your saying. After the first convo with her about my feelings, I buckled under the guilt to make the pain stop and did so by saying that we would try and fix it. But in reality I was hoping she would realize that it wouldnt work. I know i really screwed that up. And I realize that is exactly what she is doing now, saying lets work on it, and maybe she needs to hear what Ive done to make the correct decision.

 

Thanks for all the input everyone. It's a shame I am on these boards for this reason.

[Memphis Raines]

I think you need to tell her. If you don't, she just might always pine and be confused as to what happened. Therefore hurting her worse.

 

As opposed to telling her, she just might get pissed and it will help her get over you. Not a guarantee it will play out like that, but I think most people initially are hurt and want to bond hysterically with their cheater, but after a while they get angry and its then much easier, IMO, to let their cheater go.

[OldOnTheInside]

Lets be honest Feeling (irony), if you aren't 100% into working on the marriage, then you are just wasting both your own time (which is fine since it's your time to waste) and your wife's time (which is basically a form of passive-aggressive psychological manipulation).

 

If you want to end things ASAP, tell her everything. No need to be sadistically cruel about it, but just be honest. Easier said than done I know...but why delay the inevitable fallout? Yes, you'll hurt her feelings, but that's "relationships" in a nutshell.

 

Life's too short for both of you. Simple as that.