BlindRage Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I've always been told to upgrade not down-grade. I know personality matters and all but I want someone that looks better than my ex (my ex looked like Mischa Barton http://www.howmuchdotheyweigh.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Mischa-Barton.jpg -looked it up for a clearer reference-) and isn't a cheater like my ex. Every girl I've spoken to since then doesn't even compare to her in the looks department. I know I sound superficial but is there a way to have "the whole package"? What is there to do in this situation?
wilsonx Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 So you have always been taught to upgrade instead of downgrade. Who taught you that? Whats an upgrade and whats a downgrade? For me, an upgrade is someone that does not cheat on me now matter how attractive they are. The problem is actually you and being superficial. Why not talk to everyone including guys, you never know what you may find
Author BlindRage Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Yea Wilsonx, I've been talking to people. I'm not superficial when it come to friendship. Been making new friends, having fun, all that good stuff. Yet, when it comes to dating, the only girls that are around don't even look as attractive as my ex. Yes they seem to be REALLY nice girls but it's hard to be attracted to them enough to pursue an actual relationship. Is there a way to over-look that? I feel like I'm in that movie Shallow Hal...
Author BlindRage Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 So you have always been taught to upgrade instead of downgrade. Who taught you that? Whats an upgrade and whats a downgrade? For me, an upgrade is someone that does not cheat on me now matter how attractive they are. The problem is actually you and being superficial. Why not talk to everyone including guys, you never know what you may find An upgrade I see it as: someone thats more attractive, is loyal and faithful; Compared to my ex. I know that it's me, but how can I change my view on this? I spoke to my friend to talk to him about this issue and we both went to meet this girl. She was a great person. On the way back though, all I could think was that my ex was more attractive than her.
carhill Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Keep looking. There are such women out there but usually they're married. Add some pages to your passport and head out. Good luck
Cee Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I don't know how long you have been single, but maybe you aren't ready to date. If you aren't attracted to anybody, it might mean you are still holding on to her. The truth is nobody looks like your ex, but in time, you'll find a woman who is equally beautiful to you.
The_Good_Me Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I don't think there is anything you can actively do to overcome this. It sounds like you already know your putting way too much importance on a girls looks and how they stack up against your ex. Comparing girls to your ex sounds like a big sign that you're not totally over her yet and it's probably not the right time for you to be looking for a new girl. I would try not to think about it for now and concentrate on just meeting people and getting to know them. When the time is right, you'll meet a girl and you won't compare her to your ex in any way. That'll be the right time to pursue a new romance.
amethyste Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Hah, I find Mischa Barton to be really ugly. Anyway, I think this is just a phase. Probably you're still impressed by how she looked, you were used to her, etc., but I think it will go away in time. Nobody says that you should date someone you're not attracted to. Personally, I'm still attracted to my ex. I try to look at other men, but I don't feel attracted to them at all (even if they're nice). Anyway, I'm pretty sure these feelings will dissipate.
KathyM Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I've always been told to upgrade not down-grade. I know personality matters and all but I want someone that looks better than my ex (my ex looked like Mischa Barton http://www.howmuchdotheyweigh.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Mischa-Barton.jpg -looked it up for a clearer reference-) and isn't a cheater like my ex. Every girl I've spoken to since then doesn't even compare to her in the looks department. I know I sound superficial but is there a way to have "the whole package"? What is there to do in this situation? Keep looking until you find someone that matches your standards. Believe it or not, there are women out there that are good looking and good quality people. Just takes time to find them, and you have to look for them in the right places. Of course, you have to have those qualities yourself if you expect to have someone that is the total package.
The Aviator Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Don't worry bud, i've got this same problem. Looking for a girl who has 'the whole package'. My ex was very pretty and I was very much attracted to her and it hurts to know that all the blokes at her university will probably be all over her now they know she's single. I've always sort of gone for looks first and personality second :\
wilsonx Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 ok, so you went for looks first personality second. It did not work, how about trying something new this time instead of making the same decision that was proven wrong. This time try personality first, looks close second. Who knows this may work for you
Author BlindRage Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I don't think there is anything you can actively do to overcome this. It sounds like you already know your putting way too much importance on a girls looks and how they stack up against your ex. Comparing girls to your ex sounds like a big sign that you're not totally over her yet and it's probably not the right time for you to be looking for a new girl. I would try not to think about it for now and concentrate on just meeting people and getting to know them. When the time is right, you'll meet a girl and you won't compare her to your ex in any way. That'll be the right time to pursue a new romance. I thought I was making improvement. I guess not, I'm definitely not interested in my ex. Or even seeing her again. I would just like someone and think.. "yea, she's the one, she's going to be my wife" I don't know. I guess I do overvalue appearance. I hope that you're right and when I meet a girl I won't compare her to my ex. Thats what I'm looking for, maybe because I'm actively seeking 'someone', I'm setting myself up.
Author BlindRage Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I don't know how long you have been single, but maybe you aren't ready to date. If you aren't attracted to anybody, it might mean you are still holding on to her. The truth is nobody looks like your ex, but in time, you'll find a woman who is equally beautiful to you. Thanks Cee, I'm really hoping for that ONE girl. I'm trying to let go but apparently this is not a good sign . Amethyste. You're lucky to see it that way (in her not being attractive). I just see her and think about how my ex looked like her. It's a downer. KathyM, where do you think is the right place to look for them? I would really like to give it a shot. Maybe whats holding me back is I became socially awkward once my ex left me. The Aviator, Oh I know what you mean a little too well. My ex had a good personality but she was a snake in the grass. You didn't know when she was going to strike. I guess what also just made me fall for her more was, she got along with my family and they loved her. I truly felt she was the one I was meant to be with. She had the looks and the personality (even if she was a two face who only showed her true colors in question) I was deluded by the mirage she showed me. Wilsonx, That is something I will try to take to heart.
Badenov Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 You're looking for instant attraction. Instead of dating, find women you think are cool with great personalities and just hang out as friends. Sooner or later, one of them will grown on you until you find you don't have to compare her looks to anyone.
ccfan Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 (edited) I remember some comedian (i think it was Crhis Rock) that said woman cannot downgrade in lifestile and man cannot do it in looks and sex habits when it comes to a relationship... who knows maybe there's some truth in it... I'm in the same boat as my ex has to look good for a living (shes a tv host) I don't think there's anything wrong if you want the whole package. Just keep in mind a few things: 1. Even if shes beautiful, unless your ex is Alessandra Ambrossio, she's not as beautiful as you think she is now. You have the Pedestal effect on your mind right now... and there are tons of woman hotter than then, do not fall in the trap of thinking she's the hottest girl on earth 2. There are many drop dead gorgeous girls out there and you can certainly ask them out, just be careful and not focus only on their looks... this takes time. 3. If you got out on dates just make sure you REALLY like the girl, and do not go out just for the sake of it if you dont really like the girl, if you do this, this will backfire on you the next day as you will miss your ex more, hence, putting her even on a higher pedestal. This has happened to me more times that i can say. After my ex dumped me i dated a bunch of girls to try to get me back on track... two of them insanely gorgeous, way more than the ex but you could see a mile away that they were even more trouble than my ex was (and thats a lot). So try to get girls that look good -nothing wrong with that- but also search for inner beauty, sound a cliche i know.. but otherwise dating a girl just because shes hot is a recipe for disaster. And one more thing: be ready to be alone for a while if you have high standars, use the alone time to stay in shape, save money and work hard Edited July 16, 2011 by ccfan
Duckduckgoose Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 If you feel like you HAVE to compare a new girlfriend to your ex you are probably rebounding, or at least dating for the wrong reasons. Yes, you will mentally compare sometimes, it's unavoidable. But different people have different habits. I DO find it hard not to subconsciously compare new men to my exH, but I sure in the hell don't base whether I would date them off of my exH or not. Make a reasonable list of what you would like in a girlfriend (hotter than my ex probably shouldn't be on there) and look for chicks based on the list. Loyal and faithful is a good thing to put on the list... not a cheater is a good one too (same thing as loyal I guess). Its unfair to a chick you are thinking of dating for you to mentally assume things... like "she has to do (blank) better than my ex", she has to have bigger tits than my ex", etc.
Author BlindRage Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 I remember some comedian (i think it was Crhis Rock) that said woman cannot downgrade in lifestile and man cannot do it in looks and sex habits when it comes to a relationship... who knows maybe there's some truth in it... Haha, I'm probably going to have to look into that I'm in the same boat as my ex has to look good for a living (shes a tv host) I don't think there's anything wrong if you want the whole package. Just keep in mind a few things: 1. Even if shes beautiful, unless your ex is Alessandra Ambrossio, she's not as beautiful as you think she is now. You have the Pedestal effect on your mind right now... and there are tons of woman hotter than then, do not fall in the trap of thinking she's the hottest girl on earth Oh if we are speaking about Angels I'll take Adriana Lima. I know, I agree, it's just hard to find one that I can think of as someone I'm looking to pursue 2. There are many drop dead gorgeous girls out there and you can certainly ask them out, just be careful and not focus only on their looks... this takes time. Well like I mentioned before, "I did become a little bit socially awkward when my ex left" so this is where things get a little complicated. I feel now I have to develop more social skills because if not I'll just feel weird talking to girls I find more attractive than my ex. It's easy to talk to girls I don't find as attractive though, so thats the awkward stuff. 3. If you got out on dates just make sure you REALLY like the girl, and do not go out just for the sake of it if you dont really like the girl, if you do this, this will backfire on you the next day as you will miss your ex more, hence, putting her even on a higher pedestal. This has happened to me more times that i can say. I was suppose to take this girl hiking today (on our date) but I didn't. I felt so good about it too! It felt like a relieve that I didn't look at her. I slept a long time after and woke up re-freshed feeling. After my ex dumped me i dated a bunch of girls to try to get me back on track... two of them insanely gorgeous, way more than the ex but you could see a mile away that they were even more trouble than my ex was (and thats a lot). So try to get girls that look good -nothing wrong with that- but also search for inner beauty, sound a cliche i know.. but otherwise dating a girl just because shes hot is a recipe for disaster. I've been doing the same mistake. I guess I've just thought that I NEED to be with someone. I don't even know why, but I do have to take time out from my dating disaster. And one more thing: be ready to be alone for a while if you have high standars, use the alone time to stay in shape, save money and work hard Yea, I figured that I will be alone for a while . I mean I can take it but I hope the end result is the one that I WANT. I want to rebuild myself.
Frank13 Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Remember, it is better to look good than to feel good.
thelovingkind Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 3. If you got out on dates just make sure you REALLY like the girl, and do not go out just for the sake of it if you dont really like the girl, if you do this, this will backfire on you the next day as you will miss your ex more, hence, putting her even on a higher pedestal. This has happened to me more times that i can say. Good post over all, and great little nugget of advice here. After my last break up, I was left single and with no friends in the country having moved here not long ago, so I went on a bunch of dates with guys I wasn't really interested in just to keep busy. Kinda liked them, nice company, not unattractive, but wasn't feeling that drive (you know what I mean). I thought the social contact was important, and in retrospect it was probably worth it for that alone given my lack of any other social networks, but I definitely noticed the kick-back effect you describe of feeling increasingly that my ex was the "one and only" in comparison to the lacklustre dates I was going on.
wilsonx Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 This is why you just hang out. There's absolutely no reason to go out on dates. None, zero, zilch. Why can't people meet new people and go out and have fun together. Don't label anything. I have hung out with a couple gals the past couple weeks. They weren't dates. We just did stupid stuff I never did before such as line dancing, drinking out of pitchers with straws, etc. Just be adventurous and have fun. At the same time be up front and honest about your state of mind. I warn every gal that I hang out with that if she catches feelings for me, she needs to bail. I have nothing but my friendship to offer her right now. I am taking things one day at a time and if she gets hung up on me on more then a friendship level its her responsibility to walk away.
Duckduckgoose Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 This is why you just hang out. There's absolutely no reason to go out on dates. None, zero, zilch. Why can't people meet new people and go out and have fun together. Don't label anything. I have hung out with a couple gals the past couple weeks. They weren't dates. We just did stupid stuff I never did before such as line dancing, drinking out of pitchers with straws, etc. Just be adventurous and have fun. At the same time be up front and honest about your state of mind. I warn every gal that I hang out with that if she catches feelings for me, she needs to bail. I have nothing but my friendship to offer her right now. I am taking things one day at a time and if she gets hung up on me on more then a friendship level its her responsibility to walk away. Wilson has this right. He tells them upfront his situation and where the girl stands with him. Can't ask for more honesty than that. I admire you for this Wilson
Author BlindRage Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) This is why you just hang out. There's absolutely no reason to go out on dates. None, zero, zilch. Why can't people meet new people and go out and have fun together. Don't label anything. I have hung out with a couple gals the past couple weeks. They weren't dates. We just did stupid stuff I never did before such as line dancing, drinking out of pitchers with straws, etc. Just be adventurous and have fun. At the same time be up front and honest about your state of mind. I warn every gal that I hang out with that if she catches feelings for me, she needs to bail. I have nothing but my friendship to offer her right now. I am taking things one day at a time and if she gets hung up on me on more then a friendship level its her responsibility to walk away. Hey, this is great. I don't know why I haven't thought this. I think it's mainly because when I go out with a girl, she, throughout the date, tells me I'm cute and is all touchy. It makes me feel bad saying no and I also feel uncomfortable (since I don't ever give compliments), I will be doing this from now on. I have to speak upfront that my intentions are platonic as I can't handle a relationship at the moment. Edited July 17, 2011 by BlindRage
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