The most Ironic part of Retro Jealousy

[April72]

I definetly suffer from retroactive jealousy. And it SUCKS!!! It's embarrasing to be this crazed and insecure. And I have been reading post on here for days.... and what I find to be the most ironic part, and I aslo feel this way, is......

 

We want to be special to our current SO and be the best lover ever but this obsession with their past kills our sex drive. Makes us not want to be naked in front of them. Or even try to do some of the things or positions etc that they have done. So we now have issues being intimate with them that were not there before. And if we do not continue to be intimate and open to please our SO it's completely pointless to want to be the best.

 

What a mess!!!

[Rinas]

Just remember that their past didn't work for a reason. They have googly eyes for you now.

 

The way I see is is that I can introduce new things to the relationship. There is a first time for everything, there is always something that someone hasn't experienced.

 

And just because they've done something before, It doesn't mean that you can't make it better!

[Phayrmaiden]

K, so googly eyes for us now. But, the issue at HAND is them EVER having any eyes for another. It's crazy and it's childish and you "can't change the past, bleeeh" and all that...but it's STILL A PROBLEM. I have this every single day. I am not trying to justify it, totally think it's stupid and neevr had this issue until I fell deeply in love. I guess the more I love him, the more jealousy? It's just the imagery and ideas of the past (my guy? 5 year marraige and a 4yrold daughter from that) that's the part that makes me cry at commercials of families that resemble "them" =[ I don't want to think she had "my" man, though the time doesn't line up, it still controls me as if he was my soulmate all along, tho never knew it, but it kinda feels like "retro-cheating". It ridiculous, but it's REAL., Don't let anyone drown you with all that "accept the past" generic advice. They don't know how ****ed up and twisted and deep these emotions go. When I explain mine, I sound crazy. But I know I'm not. I'm just IN LOVE. This must be the catch....? Well, I need help as well! Hugs to you, good luck and wish me more

[NHSWizard]

K, so googly eyes for us now. But, the issue at HAND is them EVER having any eyes for another. It's crazy and it's childish and you "can't change the past, bleeeh" and all that...but it's STILL A PROBLEM. I have this every single day. I am not trying to justify it, totally think it's stupid and neevr had this issue until I fell deeply in love. I guess the more I love him, the more jealousy? It's just the imagery and ideas of the past (my guy? 5 year marraige and a 4yrold daughter from that) that's the part that makes me cry at commercials of families that resemble "them" =[ I don't want to think she had "my" man, though the time doesn't line up, it still controls me as if he was my soulmate all along, tho never knew it, but it kinda feels like "retro-cheating". It ridiculous, but it's REAL., Don't let anyone drown you with all that "accept the past" generic advice. They don't know how ****ed up and twisted and deep these emotions go. When I explain mine, I sound crazy. But I know I'm not. I'm just IN LOVE. This must be the catch....? Well, I need help as well! Hugs to you, good luck and wish me more

 

This is SO TRUE. I'm a guy so call me girly/sissy or whatever but it's how I feel. The more in love I am the more my girlfriend's past hurts. It's actually unbelievable how little I cared and now how deeply the things she did hurt me, even though she didn't even know me.

[Glinda]

I definetly suffer from retroactive jealousy. And it SUCKS!!! It's embarrasing to be this crazed and insecure. And I have been reading post on here for days.... and what I find to be the most ironic part, and I aslo feel this way, is......

 

We want to be special to our current SO and be the best lover ever but this obsession with their past kills our sex drive. Makes us not want to be naked in front of them. Or even try to do some of the things or positions etc that they have done. So we now have issues being intimate with them that were not there before. And if we do not continue to be intimate and open to please our SO it's completely pointless to want to be the best.

 

What a mess!!!

There will always be someone out there prettier, funnier, smarter and sexier and better in bed than you. Always. Face it. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else on the planet.

 

If you lose your SO, it won't be because you weren't comparable to the last model, it will be because you were so insecure. Guys won't put up with that for long till they eventually will start looking for someone not better, but more self assured.

[April72]

Thank you Glinda you apparently have never suffered from Retroactive Jealousy. So I wouldn't expect you to understand. I don't compare myself to the planet or think I'm a Goddess. It's clearly not the point. If he moves on to someone more self assured then so be it. I know I'm insecure. But he out of lack of respect for me decided to brag about his notches and now I'm here. Maybe before you judge me so quickly you should google retro jealousy and get an understanding for what your judging there's alot of us out there.... be thankful your not one of us. It's a real condition.

[Kelemort]

I've been dealing with this for over 2 years now. I can say that with time it has gotten better. Keeping myself OCCUPIED (working more, working out, dressing up, etc.) and taking time for my appearance has led me to feel a little more self-assured in my own relationship. A year or more ago, I was crying every day, multiple times a day. I've managed to dwindle it down to less than once a week, and very briefly. Tonight I'm feeling a little down about it and that's why I'm posting here.

 

And part of what has helped me is avoiding topics like this all of the time. I don't want to completely submerge myself in RJ. Because it is irrational. He didn't know me. While I had the misfortune of seeing multitudes of pictures of his ex...I have the fortune of knowing I'm far, far, far more attractive. That's not the case for everyone, and unfortunately even knowing that doesn't completely solve RJ. Because even for all her 'ugliness,' she was apparently still more than enough to please my boyfriend. But I also suspect part of that was because he thought he couldn't get anything better, so he went with what he could get. Possibly even with me. Yikes.

 

And emotionally distancing myself has worked too. I don't really recommend that one. If I'm ever in another relationship, I'd imagine it's going to take ages to let a man get close because all of the ones I've met so far are either crap or ignorant to the kind of damage they can wield.

 

But no - I find most of the advice for people suffering from RJ is "Get over it," "He's with you now," "An ex is an ex for a reason," etc. And most of those don't really help the underlying issue at all. Plenty of folks cheat with or still love their exes, to the exclusion of their current partners. Plenty of people are only with their current partners because they feel they can't do better.

 

It also often seems that a woman's RJ gets triggered because the man did something really stupid - cheated on her, chatted non-stop about his ex, detailed his sex life with his ex, or something else equally cruel and hurtful. Men tend to be jealous more often just by knowing that they're not their partner's first or that their partner's been with others - so it's not the details that trigger them as much.

 

But that's my best advice. Stay active. Get involved in hobbies or charities. See a counselor. Write down a list of YOUR great qualities (because let's face it - you're biased and you're searching for all kinds of great stuff about his ex, while figuring out all the ways you fall short. Try to think of it objectively) and keep that with you to reference whenever you feel down.

[Desensitized]

This is SO TRUE. I'm a guy so call me girly/sissy or whatever but it's how I feel. The more in love I am the more my girlfriend's past hurts. It's actually unbelievable how little I cared and now how deeply the things she did hurt me, even though she didn't even know me.

 

Hear you loud and clear, brother. I ended my engagement over retro jealousy. It sucks. Like you said, it's unbelievable how these sort of things can hurt us, considering we didn't know them then. I like this quote: "I never knew how much it would hurt to lose something that was never mine to begin with." I'm referring to the woman I was with because I feel that all those men got to her before I did and when I got to her, there was nothing left for me. Call me immature, but I'm not. I understand you guys. It's painful, I know.

[Kelemort]

Hear you loud and clear, brother. I ended my engagement over retro jealousy. It sucks. Like you said, it's unbelievable how these sort of things can hurt us, considering we didn't know them then. I like this quote: "I never knew how much it would hurt to lose something that was never mine to begin with." I'm referring to the woman I was with because I feel that all those men got to her before I did and when I got to her, there was nothing left for me. Call me immature, but I'm not. I understand you guys. It's painful, I know.

 

 

The downside of this life is that we all don't just meet one person who happens to be our happily ever after. We have to make mistakes (and I realize some people will say, 'my ex wasn't a mistake' - they'll call the ex a 'learning experience.' But if you went in with one objective and it didn't work, what else do you call it?) and wade through people to realize who's right for us.

 

Try to visualize how you feel about your own exes. Do you love them still? Hate them? Feel ambivalence toward them? I had one break-up a few years back and I feel total ambivalence toward him. I hope he's happy, but his life no longer affects me. And based on conversations with my current partner, as well as my own experiences, I think he feels the same way about his exes...just as I'd feel about anyone I have no hard feelings toward. I hope they're successful and happy.

 

Especially in relationships where the RJ was triggered by something the partner did, it is hard to understand that they may feel that same ambivalence.

 

I think it's also important to keep in mind what we're really going after. We're always going to have the baggage of former partners behind us. For a long time, I felt very hurt that my partner wasn't a virgin when we met. But, after LOTS of arguments and educating him about jealousy and specifically RJ, he realized that his behavior was incredibly hurtful (he was clinging to his ex). He put her out of the picture and with the past truly behind us, we could start moving forward.

 

And while I may never be able to say that I was his first sexual partner, I am the first woman to live with him and the first woman with whom he's actually considered marriage. So she got him one night long before I was in the picture. So what? That wasn't enough to keep him with her, so clearly the 'power' of him losing his virginity to her - as hyper-romanticized as it is in our culture - wasn't enough to keep him with her. Clearly, I possess something that was worth getting rid of her for. I was someone worth moving on with. And no matter what happened behind him, he was looking toward the future with me. There was plenty of him 'left over' for me. Because when I finally told him that I was done with him leaving pictures of her everywhere, maintaining contact with her and all other sorts of stuff, he agreed and cleaned up his act. And that really says something.

 

It said that he was done letting her occupy space in his heart and mind, and he was ready and willing to finally let go. His virginity or lack thereof was not indicative of that. His actions were.

 

I hope this will help some of you.

[Desensitized]

Hey Kelemort,

thanks for your post.

Try to visualize how you feel about your own exes. Do you love them still? Hate them? Feel ambivalence toward them? I had one break-up a few years back and I feel total ambivalence toward him. I hope he's happy, but his life no longer affects me. And based on conversations with my current partner, as well as my own experiences, I think he feels the same way about his exes...just as I'd feel about anyone I have no hard feelings toward. I hope they're successful and happy.

To be honest, I'm still unsure of how I feel about my ex-fiancee. I just hate the fact that she kept so many important details from me while we were together because if I knew everything about her from the start, I never would've gotten serious with her. If anything, I don't hate her. But I do hate myself for being an idiot and missing all of those red flags that I should've payed attention to while we were together. I guess I'm still learning to forgive myself over that.

 

As far as her happiness goes, I don't know either. I just feel indifference towards her.

 

I think it's also important to keep in mind what we're really going after. We're always going to have the baggage of former partners behind us. For a long time, I felt very hurt that my partner wasn't a virgin when we met. But, after LOTS of arguments and educating him about jealousy and specifically RJ, he realized that his behavior was incredibly hurtful (he was clinging to his ex). He put her out of the picture and with the past truly behind us, we could start moving forward.

I wasn't really too hung up over the fact that my ex-fiancee wasn't a virgin, but I didn't like the fact that she slept with 30 other guys before me. It just makes it seem like she doesn't see sex as anything special, but just something to do for recreational purposes. Like you, I tried educating my ex about RJ; she seemed to understand, but it seemed like she made no effort to help me out with my RJ. She had pictures, trinkets, cards, and other things that were given to her from her ex-boyfriends/flings. I told her how much keeping those things around hurt me, but she never made an effort to remove those things - it really pissed me off how little she really cared about my feelings... it still pisses me off now that I think about it. But whatever, she's out of my life now.

 

And while I may never be able to say that I was his first sexual partner, I am the first woman to live with him and the first woman with whom he's actually considered marriage. So she got him one night long before I was in the picture. So what? That wasn't enough to keep him with her, so clearly the 'power' of him losing his virginity to her - as hyper-romanticized as it is in our culture - wasn't enough to keep him with her. Clearly, I possess something that was worth getting rid of her for. I was someone worth moving on with. And no matter what happened behind him, he was looking toward the future with me. There was plenty of him 'left over' for me. Because when I finally told him that I was done with him leaving pictures of her everywhere, maintaining contact with her and all other sorts of stuff, he agreed and cleaned up his act. And that really says something

I'm really happy that he acknowledged your feelings, I wish my ex would've did the same. I wish you the best, and I'm glad you're pushing through your RJ - keep it up.

[Kelemort]

The hardest part about RJ is that often the blame gets pinned on you, you, you (as in, the sufferer). And people will defend the partner's actions to the MOON. It amazes me how much the partner can get away with shy of banging another girl when other people see that you're jealous. They often just think it's unreasonable.

 

But no matter who you are, I think it's just cruel to leave gifts from former partners around, pictures in places where you know they'll see them, lying about being in contact and maintaining that contact even after understanding how upset your partner is, constantly gabbing about a past partner, etc. I think that our actions and our exterior environment indicate what's happening inside of us. When I felt that I was -over- my ex, lots of stuff went sailing into the garbage.

 

Why? Because I was there. I don't need to pull out his little cards or wear stupid necklaces he made to feel connected to him. I have those memories. Some were good - not because he was in them or because I loved him, per se, but because we had a fun time doing something or another. And those are what I use to remember. I get that not everyone is the "drop and run away" type when it comes to mementos, but it is only a sign of courtesy and respect to keep those things out of view of another partner.

 

And even then, I think that people should only hold onto trinkets without a clear origin. A pretty necklace an ex got you? Sure, keep it. An old engagement ring? Probably time to sell it. A big t-shirt that says "John loves Candy"? Time to toss it. If it's clear it's from an ex, it's gotta go or get locked up TIGHT. But if you're going to keep it locked up and not look at it anyway, what's the point of having it?

 

My boyfriend still has pictures of his ex on discs. That was what I offered him. I didn't feel it was my place to tell him to get rid of his pictures. But I also think it's incredibly stupid, since he NEVER looks at the things. Why keep them around? But it was definitely not OK for him to keep their pictures up on sites which he knew I accessed (we were friends on Flickr) or even on his desktop, which I used to save pictures (so not cool to see a folder that says 'ME AND MY EX AT X!' when you click "Save Picture").

 

So, you really need to find partners who are going to help you. In my case, I literally loaded up everything my partner had ever let me borrow/have. Every gift. Everything. I drove to his apartment and set it down in the door. We had been fighting for ages about how he held onto his ex, and I told him then and there that I was done with it. He knew my boundaries from the start but he decided he was just going to do whatever he wanted to do.

 

In situations like ours, it's not surprising that the partner inducing the jealousy refuses to let go of a former partner. And they get defensive about it and they feel they have the perfect excuse - you're just jealous, they say. It wasn't until I bought "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures" and read through the surveys in it that I realized that I am actually a LOT less jealous than MOST respondents. No one wants to admit to being jealous, and they will even ostracize others who are openly jealous, because they are afraid of the stigma themselves. But research shows people are a lot more jealous than they say they are.

 

I asked my partner to read that book and he started clearing up his act. He stopped talking to her, stopped telling me about her (I heard a lifetimes' worth), backed up the pictures and stuffed them in a drawer that he hasn't opened since and etc.

 

In my case, part of what helped was that I had taken an internship one summer and I had a mentor who was 13 years my senior. He developed an obvious crush on me and started regularly texting and calling me, wanting to know if I was 'single yet.' When my boyfriend met him, he was appalled - because I didn't think my mentor was attractive and told my boyfriend so, but apparently my boyfriend disagreed.

 

And I really think that was the catalyst that got him to change. He realized how much damage he was doing and got his act together once he realized that I had another option. My mentor was a very funny guy, and I don't regret the brief friendship that we had. But when he bought me a gift one day and asked me out on a date, it was time to cut all contact.

 

Still, it was an important lesson for my boyfriend - he couldn't just treat me anyway he wanted. I never would've cheated - especially with my mentor of all people (haha) - but having that fire was enough to get my boyfriend moving. Maybe we all need to have someone hanging around like that who can light a fire under our partners' butts.

 

Honestly, I think that sometimes we just attract partners who thrive on making us jealous. It's an ego boost for them that makes them feel more attractive - meanwhile, you have to suffer.

 

I don't think that you were wrong to be upset about a girlfriend keeping all kinds of gifts from exes around. It's just inappropriate. You know, in my case, it wouldn't even bother me if I saw something and didn't realize where it came from. But there's no reason for a girlfriend to announce, "Here's a pic of my ex! And the stuffed animal he bought me! And..." The intention there is obvious.

 

I hope the next time around, you are able to meet someone who can put their past behind them and make YOU feel important in the present. Because...who wouldn't feel jealous of a 'past' partner if the partner wants to bring the 'past' into the present? They may not be physically there, but that's not necessary to feel jealous.

[Kelemort]

I find that my retro jealousy is even getting less severe when I'm confronted with things related to my boyfriend's ex (like the state or city where she lived).

 

My curiosity got the better of me this morning and I searched for the name she used on Facebook. She still has an account - you just can't search for her through the site itself. I had to type the name into Google while logged into Facebook to access her page. I saw her face, the words she wrote to other people...and there was a mild hint of jealousy. But before, I remember feeling overwhelmed with sudden feelings of anxiety, anger and upset (I've explained my story elsewhere - my retro jealousy is far more justified than some folks').

 

Then I closed the page. I didn't find myself overwhelmed with thoughts or feelings about her or the two of them. I still do not fully trust my boyfriend, and I may never, as I feel I will always be concerned about his feelings for her...given he made it very obvious she was very special to him for way too long in our own relationship.

 

I'm proud of the strides I've made. I think part of it is that I feel more confident in myself, I keep busy, I see my friends more and I try to partake in things that make me feel sexy. I dressed up and went to a club with a friend yesterday, watched some entertainers. I was always very threatened by my boyfriend's ex sexually. He's my only experience, really, and I think it helps to get involved in things that let me express my sexuality (maybe dressing a little more risque than I ordinarily would - but I'm a prude, so my idea of 'sexy' is churchwear for some people ) through different avenues has helped me feel less jealous. He's not the only person who can make me feel sexy, I guess is what I'm getting at. By finding more outlets to meet those needs rather than just him, I end up feeling better about myself. Not for sex or anything - not PHYSICAL needs - but emotional ones too.

 

I am still a little upset because for months I have maintained control and not looked up anything about her. And I know it's stupid because, as we discussed, my boyfriend broke off contact and does not bring her up to me at all anymore. I don't mention her, either. But I am still disappointed in myself for having that momentary lapse.

 

but I am glad that I handled the lapse well.