Could you ever fully trust the person you are having an affair with?

[SamWilson]

Could/would you ever fully trust the person you are having an A with? This would apply to men and women, OM/OW, and married folks that are cheating.

 

If you and the person you are having the A with were eventually to be together 'exclusively'.....would/could you trust them?

 

I am the OM.......and how could I expect her to trust me?

[whichwayisup]

Could/would you ever fully trust the person you are having an A with? This would apply to men and women, OM/OW, and married folks that are cheating.

 

If you and the person you are having the A with were eventually to be together 'exclusively'.....would/could you trust them?

 

I am the OM.......and how could I expect her to trust me?

 

How could you trust her fully? Since you know firsthand she's capable of cheating on her husband, betraying him daily, the man she said vows to in front of family and friends. The woman who is good at manipulating, hiding and pretending..The woman who is living a lie, staying married and living life with her husband and all the meanwhile having an OM (you) on the side.

[fooled once]

Could/would you ever fully trust the person you are having an A with? This would apply to men and women, OM/OW, and married folks that are cheating.

 

If you and the person you are having the A with were eventually to be together 'exclusively'.....would/could you trust them?

 

I am the OM.......and how could I expect her to trust me?

 

My guess would be no.

 

How could you after all the lies and deceit the married cheater did to the betrayed spouse? How could you after knowing all that?

[blueeyes11]

I think it depends on a lot of things. Has the person does this before? How do they feel about what they are doing? What was their motivation? How well do you know the person? I would say the more honest the person the shorter the time they are going to allow themselves to be in such a predicament. They will need to come clean or get out. jmho

[Anna101]

Well I am now in an exclusive r/ship with my AP.

 

Do I trust him? Yes. 100%? No.

 

To clarify - I trust that he'd never have a one night stand, or begin an affair with someone else etc etc.

 

I do not 100% trust he'd never ever ever sleep with his wife again if she was up for it. He really did love her and I'm sure will always miss her.

 

Does it bother me? No. I trust him to the degree I'd trust most people, as having been in an affair I am obviously now well aware that people can end up in situations they don't imagine they ever will.

 

If he had ever had an affair before or ours had been a mostly sex affair, I doubt I could trust him.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, you can definitely trust your AP once you move in to exclusive mode.

 

I've taken this relationship and the process very seriously. It's not a bit of fun, it's a serious life-changing situation.

 

At every stage I've thought hard about what our relationship means to us; to those around us. The consequences. What led to the affair. How I've been treated since we got back together. Lots more.

 

Altogether I trust my boyfriend as much as I trust anyone. If I felt that was an issue I'd struggle to stay in the relationship.

[chalkfarm]

I trusted my XMM completely. I think that was one thing that was very important to him. He never asked me out right to trust him but I got the impression that it was something he really wanted.

 

I think my absolute blind trust is one of the reasons I was burned so badly. I held nothing back. He got everything which includes my naive faith.

 

The shrink asked if there wasn't a voice in my head warning me about him/the situation. The answer was "no". To have put my love for him into a box would have blunted the experience too much. I wanted to feel all of that amazing love.

 

Hindsight tells me how very very very very wrong I was.

 

People will get mad about this but - I don't think he wasn't trustworthy simply because he was involved in an affair. I believe he wasn't trustworthy because the entire situation (the trouble within the marriage, his unhappiness, the affair, guilt, image issues, etc ad nauseum) was fraught with emotional pot holes. Places where he had never been emotionally. I suspect that many married AP are in scary dark woods as far as their emotional reality is concerned. The fears and the guilt must be soooo enormous that they are unstable emotionally. Making them untrustworthy.

 

By "trusting" you I assume you mean that you would like for her to trust that you are "monogamous" within your affair? Or is it about emotional trust? That you won't hurt her? Chances are, you won't date other women because they simply won't measure up and you will be the one that gets hurt. Sorry.... but that tends to be the way the majority of these things work out.

Edited July 16, 2011 by chalkfarm

[Lostinlife4now]

Oh thank you for this thread! I have been in an affair for 7 years now...While I do not think he is cheating with another woman....but I do wonder what he is doing with his wife. He says nothing...But that little voice in the back of my head says differently...Can I ever really trust him....Don't no.

[alphamale]

trusting the person you're having an affair with is like trusting your partner in a murder plot

[OldOnTheInside]

Don't think so...not entirely.

 

The level of deception that my MW had shown herself to be capable of (no matter how guilty or regretful either of us felt) pretty much ended a decade long friendship. Maybe she would have been completely honest with me, had things ended on a happier note, but I didn't think that it was worth the risk. It was truly a toxic relationship in every sense of the word IMO.

 

I've been dishonest for, and dishonest with some of my closest ex-friends. It has usually ended up irreversibly damaging the relationship. If they can be dishonest with somebody else to such a large degree, why would I be an exception? Of course, I used to spend my time surrounded by backstabbing b*stards, but I digress.

 

After about 3 decades of walking the path of lies, deceit, and all-purpose d*ckery, I just find the honest and open route to be healthier for all parties involved.

Edited July 16, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[whichwayisup]

Oh thank you for this thread! I have been in an affair for 7 years now...While I do not think he is cheating with another woman....but I do wonder what he is doing with his wife. He says nothing...But that little voice in the back of my head says differently...Can I ever really trust him....Don't no.

 

7 years? That's a long time to ... Wait? Or are you just in this for the affair and settling for what time he can give you?

 

Listen to your gut and your head. I highly doubt he hasn't had sex with his wife, he just isn't going to tell you he is because that would just upset you.. which is why he says "nothing".

[MissBee]

I couldn't....

 

Is it possible that some people do? Yea.

 

But for me, when I was the OW, I was incredibly uncomfortable and I always wondered about having him to myself, and it didn't bring me thoughts of security and comfort. I always wondered whether or not it was a "special circumstance" or his usual thing, or his personality was such that he could easily cheat, even if he isn't necessarily a serial cheater. I wouldn't have trusted him.

 

Kind of like my ex (not the taken guy), I would never date him again, for a myriad of reasons but one reason is that after ALL he did....I can't get over it, even if he changed. I have forgiven but not forgotten and so for us to have a relationship again would be above-average in difficulty. It wouldn't be worth it and 3/4 of my energy would be spent in trying to trust him. It would be better for him to date a new woman who didn't know him and his former antics so that he could have a blank slate and start on a new leaf. With me, that would not be possible.Likewise, if I had an affair with you, it wouldn't be a clean page and for me it would be a similar situation of the the trust level being at a disadvantage from jump.

Edited July 16, 2011 by MissBee

[Loni]

While I was in the affair I did trust him 100%. He gave me absolutely no reason not to.

[Summer Breeze]

Could/would you ever fully trust the person you are having an A with? This would apply to men and women, OM/OW, and married folks that are cheating.

 

If you and the person you are having the A with were eventually to be together 'exclusively'.....would/could you trust them?

 

I am the OM.......and how could I expect her to trust me?

 

Why wouldn't she trust you? Did you lie to her or do something you told her you wouldn't?

 

My answer to this question is an emphatic yes to being able to trust an AP. My xH married his OW and I am 99% sure he's been faithful to her. He is/was a good man and even though I knew I couldn't trust him I never doubted he couldn't be true to someone else.

 

My xMM never lied to me. There were common friends and things I expected from him and things I refused to be party to. He never lied to me and I never lied to him. Did he lie to his W absolutely. He never lied to me and if he had it would have ended there and then. In any R at all you set your boundaries and you have the consequences in your head. An A is no different. How the boundaries are respected determine the level of respect and trust, and sometimes if the R will even survive.

 

I judge someone by what they do to me not what they've done to someone else.

[Summer Breeze]

He was involved in an affair because he wasn't trustworty. Personality flaw.

 

Tell us about this Dr Kristi. How many sessions have you had with the AP? Your insight is remarkable.

[MissBee]

Why wouldn't she trust you? Did you lie to her or do something you told her you wouldn't?

 

My answer to this question is an emphatic yes to being able to trust an AP. My xH married his OW and I am 99% sure he's been faithful to her. He is/was a good man and even though I knew I couldn't trust him I never doubted he couldn't be true to someone else.

 

My xMM never lied to me. There were common friends and things I expected from him and things I refused to be party to. He never lied to me and I never lied to him. Did he lie to his W absolutely. He never lied to me and if he had it would have ended there and then. In any R at all you set your boundaries and you have the consequences in your head. An A is no different. How the boundaries are respected determine the level of respect and trust, and sometimes if the R will even survive.

 

I judge someone by what they do to me not what they've done to someone else.

 

This is interesting, as this is an important criteria for me, to see how one treats others and more importantly what one has learned, as we've all treated people poorly at one point or the other, but if I see a consistency of a certain type of behavior or am dating a man who is discussing his exes and what has happened and see common negative things....I don't believe I will be special somehow or the exception. This person is who he is always, and I am just an outside variable. I kind of see it as your life is your life and you are who you are and have been who you've been before you met me...so your past behavior is indeed some reflection of who you are and the choices you've made. The key is, is your past reconciled and are you doing something different now or am I coming along thinking that somehow because I came along some magic change has happened....that's the pit of delusion I am scared to fall in and have fallen in before.

 

Anyway, I am not trying to dissuade you from your view and I am not trying to imply once a cheater always a cheater, because I don't believe that. I was just commenting on the idea of judging someone based on their actions towards you and not others; which is opposite from my perspective.

[Lostinlife4now]

7 years? That's a long time to ... Wait? Or are you just in this for the affair and settling for what time he can give you?

 

Listen to your gut and your head. I highly doubt he hasn't had sex with his wife, he just isn't going to tell you he is because that would just upset you.. which is why he says "nothing".

 

Boy whichwayisup! Thank you! But I sure would like to know.. someday...when all this blows up in his face.....It has to.....Can't go lying this long and not get caught...But frankly, I really don't think the W really cares, just as long as he is bringing home a paycheck.....

[Summer Breeze]

This is interesting, as this is an important criteria for me, to see how one treats others and more importantly what one has learned, as we've all treated people poorly at one point or the other, but if I see a consistency of a certain type of behavior or am dating a man who is discussing his exes and what has happened and see common negative things....I don't believe I will be special somehow or the exception. This person is who he is always, and I am just an outside variable. I kind of see it as your life is your life and you are who you are and have been who you've been before you met me...so your past behavior is indeed some reflection of who you are and the choices you've made. The key is, is your past reconciled and are you doing something different now or am I coming along thinking that somehow because I came along some magic change has happened....that's the pit of delusion I am scared to fall in and have fallen in before.

 

Anyway, I am not trying to dissuade you from your view and I am not trying to imply once a cheater always a cheater, because I don't believe that. I was just commenting on the idea of judging someone based on their actions towards you and not others; which is opposite from my perspective.

 

I absolutely agree with you. I am a firm believer in the face I can't change someone. What they are is what they are. When I say I view someone treats me I should have broadened it. I obviously take things into consideration-if a child is a biter I'm going to be cautious. I'm not going to sat that just because it's not bitten me then there is no truth to it. I was the person xMM developed a R with. We talked and we were close. We had common friends and I knew of him before there was any idea of an A. I watched him and I set boundaries and some of them were so ridiculous any other MM would have run a mile. He was honest about his habits and his work and homelife. I spoke to his BF and was told that he'd talked about D but never had an A. I checked on things as I would have done if he were a single man. I don't get involved with anyone easily.

 

For me to say that I would never trust the person I had an A with it would really mean I could never trust anyone who had been involved in an A. I won't do that. I don't think that every person that's involved in an A is the devil incarnate. I'm not going to say that half the men in the world are off limits because they cheated once. I'll view how they treat me and react to what I ask of them. I'll check out what I can and then I'll make my choice.

[Summer Breeze]

oh my my my so you would be okay with a child molester around your children because they have not done anything to you or your kids yet. Or you would happily meet a death row inmate serial killer and be thrilled because he just treats you soooooo wonderful. What about someone who kicks around the pooch? He's okay because he is sweet to you. Oh please sell that to someone else, we're not paying for it.

 

Sorry my world does not just revolve around ME. Other people matter. How someone treats others makes a mountainous difference to me.

 

Kristi you shouldn't have taken it out of context hun. Boundaries, things I expect and if they aren't adhered to off he goes. That all pretty well sums up that I have some issues with anyone who would do me or my loved ones harm but you go for it girl-respond to what makes you feel all warm and superior!

[Summer Breeze]

all your posts to me sound so bitter and unhappy. Have I done something to you? I have no axe to grind with you. I am just giving my opinion on how I see things and you keep coming at me in a not so nice way.

 

Bitter and unhappy? Not in the least. I have no axe to grind with you personally but the attitude and snipes without any real discussion show me your unhappiness and bitterness. I have no problem having opinions and discussing things but I detest hit and run posts and you seem to be a master.

 

Apologize for the TJ OP. Kristi if you want to say anything more to me pleae feel free to PM me.

[pureinheart]

and that my dear is one of the most common things a married man makes the other woman believe about the wife. It makes the other woman feel all happy and cozy and that all is well. His wife does not care. He still gives her his money. All is grand with life and I am not hurting anyone.

 

Not always. I didn't care.

[whichwayisup]

Boy whichwayisup! Thank you! But I sure would like to know.. someday...when all this blows up in his face.....It has to.....Can't go lying this long and not get caught...But frankly, I really don't think the W really cares, just as long as he is bringing home a paycheck.....

 

Let me guess, he's told you she doesn't care and has implied, probably more than once, that she neglects him/ignores him, is lazy and complains a lot, isn't very nice and refuses to have sex with him.. Am I close?

 

This is a very standard line(s) MM and MW say to their affair partner.

 

Or, is that wishful/hopeful thinking on your behalf that she doesn't care what he does, as long as she gets his paycheck..

 

Remember, he loved her enough to marry her, have kids with her. Build a life together.. So, don't fool yourself into believing that their marriage sucks! He is more than likely broken inside, has crappy communication skills, is bored and you provide him with something he needs.. It may have nothing to do with his wife, or their marriage. Could it be that he's just ... Selfish??

 

Please just take time to think about all this, take a step back and see things from another angle. A bit more objective, if possible. Read lots of threads in this section and also in infidelity so you can see other side of it. Many betrayed spouses have no idea (because their husbands are very good liars) that things are bad (of course MM and MW magnify problems and exaggerate to suit them best) and the wife is evil, when in fact, it's the complete opposite.

[OWoman]

If you and the person you are having the A with were eventually to be together 'exclusively'.....would/could you trust them?

 

Yes, I do.

 

I am not a trusting person and it took me a long time to develop trust, but he has earned my trust every single step of the way. He has behaved consistently and with authenticity and integrity, doing the necessary work to confront the issues that had allowed the situation to arise and resolving them.

 

I would not have married him if I did not trust him. I would not stay M to him if I did not trust him. Every day he makes more hefty deposits into my trust bank, and gives me more reasons to trust him.

[MissBee]

Yes, I do.

 

I am not a trusting person and it took me a long time to develop trust, but he has earned my trust every single step of the way. He has behaved consistently and with authenticity and integrity, doing the necessary work to confront the issues that had allowed the situation to arise and resolving them.

 

I would not have married him if I did not trust him. I would not stay M to him if I did not trust him. Every day he makes more hefty deposits into my trust bank, and gives me more reasons to trust him.

 

That's really great and I would hope, well for someone I plan to be committed to, I need that type of consistency, integrity, authenticity, transparency and for him to make those type of "hefty deposits", as well as doing any necessary work to resolve any issues he has. Likewise, I hope to be able to offer the same.

[pureinheart]

Could/would you ever fully trust the person you are having an A with? This would apply to men and women, OM/OW, and married folks that are cheating.

 

If you and the person you are having the A with were eventually to be together 'exclusively'.....would/could you trust them?

 

I am the OM.......and how could I expect her to trust me?

 

Being one who believes that we all lie, cheat, steal, or whatever in one form or another, this is a difficult question to answer.

 

I trusted my AP with my life. He went through a bad time going through his D and my trust was questionable because he was changing at a fast rate and very confused (also taking some priddy hardcore meds didn't help).

 

Now he is leveling out and I see both good and not so good behaviors coming from him...but that trust is coming back. I was most likely no peach either, as none of us is above reproach.