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Could you ever fully trust the person you are having an affair with?

SamWilson

By SamWilson
in The Other Man / Woman

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JaneyAmazed Established Member

JaneyAmazed

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I didn't trust my xOM and he had no reason to trust me. I was so screwed up. Just because your MW thinks she can be trusted, that may not be the case when it comes down to choosing between you and her H. I told my xOM I'd never confess to my H, but I ended up doing it because I couldn't handle the double life anymore. I knew I would lose my marriage if I didn't stop and confess I chose my H's trust over xOM's trust in the end. To save my marriage, I was willing to be completely honest with my H which meant I had to share things with him about xOM that I had not planned on previously. I didn't deceive him (like I did my H) but I couldn't hold my promises to xOM in order to gain my H's trust back. I tell you this because you really can't trust that everything won't be revealed to her H at some point. Unless she leaves him for you, there's a good chance the affair will be discovered or she will confess.

 

By the way, I didn't trust xOM because he had already cheated on him wife before me and told me he couldn't back to his wife (estranged) because he didn't trust himself. It would be crazy to trust someone who doesn't trust himself! :o

cheergirl Established Member

cheergirl

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You remind me of a woman I used to work with. She'd come back from lunch with her eyes gleaming and teeth shining, she couldn't wait to share the latest gossip. Didn't matter what the gossip was, someone sick, a supposed affair, just anything, she got pleasure in other's people's pain. She liked it......I think it made her feel a little better about herself to laugh and he haw at others. Oh yeah she talked the country bumpkin talk and used a lot of hons and dears, but it was all just a cover up of her mean and condescending nature. Once in a while I felt sorry for her because I knew she had it rough growing up, but so have so many other people and when it's all said and done, it doesn't excuse just plain mean.

 

Wow, I'm impressed, being called on for just being mean...:bunny:

cheergirl Established Member

cheergirl

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all your posts to me sound so bitter and unhappy. Have I done something to you? I have no axe to grind with you. I am just giving my opinion on how I see things and you keep coming at me in a not so nice way.:(

 

Summer Breeze doesn't sound bitter or unhappy at all..

To the contrary she sounds reasonable and like an adult...

very different to many posters on this site. I find her posts, like her name, refreshing...

Anna101 Established Member

Anna101

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You are exclusive and yet you do not consider sleeping with his wife to be cheating on you?

 

 

I didn't say that, I said that's the only person I wouldn't be able to feel 100% comfortable with him being with.

 

He's not actually DOING it.

SoMovinOn Established Member

SoMovinOn

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No matter who it is, trust is always just a choice. You either choose to trust someone or you don't. It is misleading to believe you can trust someone simply because you are unaware of any reason to mistrust them. In that case, there may be things they have done in the past of which you are unaware.

 

To simply say someone is untrustworthy based on their involvement in an A is simple minded - as though an A is just black and white - there are no motivating factors involved - it is just simply a married person lying to their spouse for the purpose of having sex with someone else.

 

Pfffft.

 

... and what of those who believe they can trust their spouse because that spouse has never had an A? What do they do when that first A happens?

Heart On Established Member

Heart On

Posted
Posted (edited)
I am the OM.......and how could I expect her to trust me?

 

Unless you are cheating on someone and proving to be generally untrustworthy in your betrayal of another,why would you ask if she could trust you?

 

Shouldn't the question be,could you trust her knowing what she is capable of doing behind someone's back who trusts her?

 

On a personal note,and as an xMOW who left my marriage over his "love lies".But then again,he was a Love fraud.A total con artist who lied like it was a hobby of his.

 

I was gullible enough to trust my xMM implicitly,thinking that since he trusted me with his lies,he wouldn't lie to me.HAHAHA.....Big mistake.

 

There is no honor amongst thieves I came to learn.

 

If they lie to them,they lie to us.Period.

 

I can relate to Chalkfarm BIG time.

 

NO! I could never trust a person,let alone a MM, who's words NEVER matched his actions.His attitude and behavior were scary as I saw him deny all to protect his own image!

His conscience was like swiss cheese....full of holes.

 

I would be an even bigger fool than I was, to trust him within a legitimate relationship considering how we began.

 

Funny thing though,having outted myself in my own marriage and being honest about my feelings for my xMM to my xH,I hung onto as much integrity as humanly possible,followed my heart into his web of deciept,separated to show him the "right" way to go about loving him,

and found out the hard way just what a liar and manipulative, coward he truly was when he said...."Why be honest,look where that got you."

 

Separated twice and ultimately Divorced.

 

His motto was.Lie and Deny.Who could trust a man who said that with a straight face and meant it.

 

He could trust me implicitly,and told me so,but I could not trust him as far as I could see him.But at least I knew he was a liar and that helped me make informed choices once I finally wised up to his games.

 

He once told me,he could trust me implicitly.And he could because I was never afraid to tell the truth in my own life.He on the other hand....lacked character to the point that he lied to EVERYONE who dared trust him.

 

Thankfully I saw that and could walk away.

 

I'm sure his wife thinks she can trust him implicitly.

 

How wrong she is.:o

Edited by Heart On
oldguy Established Member

oldguy

Posted
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Modus operandi, "mode of operating"

'if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you', I believe is the adage.

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

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trusting the person you're having an affair with is like trusting your partner in a murder plot

Yep. And what I find very interesting is that people in this thread who have stated you can't trust ANYONE in response to the fact that someone who has never cheated is being trusted implicitly, is now saying their AP can be trusted. :confused::rolleyes::laugh:

 

I wouldn't trust a cheater, no.

Edited by donnamaybe
David Cain Established Member

David Cain

Posted
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Yep. And what I find very interesting is that people in this thread who have stated you can't trust ANYONE in response to the fact that someone who has never cheated is being trusted implicitly, is now saying their AP can be trusted. :confused::rolleyes::laugh:

 

Just another attempt to excuse their behavior.

 

I wouldn't trust a cheater, no.

 

Who would?:laugh:

oldguy Established Member

oldguy

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I like the credit card dept analogy; You can turn it around but you have to put some effort into it over a period of time & you don't get to do it again, ever.

 

The analogy works, somewhat.

seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted (edited)

My H had an A, we worked through it (understatement) fixed what was broken, changed a lot of what had contributed to the pre A relationship becoming broken and are happy. H cheated, the breaking of my trust was simply bloody dreadful, yet I remained, he remained and by working through our problems we have a healthy happy marriage. Do fully I trust him? Yes. I wouldn't be here if I could not.

 

Would I trust the word of someone WHILE they were having an A? No. Do I think that a relationship that grows from an A, when the marriage has ended and the relationship is open and honest? Then yes, in much the same way any of us can fully trust the person we are with.

 

If someone shows through being open and honest and is willing to work on how they manage difficulties in a relationship and if they are transparent, then I don't think it can be any different from any other relationship. However, I wouldn't trust the word of anyone who could so easily lie and gaslight another to the extent that the other thinks they are losing the plot. No, that takes a special kind of deciet and one I wouldn't trust no further than I could throw it. To make any relationship work after an A takes a lot of work to make it trustworthy.

Edited by seren
few words added
donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

Posted
Posted
If someone shows through being open and honest and is willing to work on how they manage difficulties in a relationship and if they are transparent, then I don't think it can be any different from any other relationship. However, I wouldn't trust the word of anyone who could so easily lie and gaslight another to the extent that the other thinks they are losing the plot. No, that takes a special kind of deciet and one I wouldn't trust no further than I could throw it. To make any relationship work after an A takes a lot of work to make it trustworthy.
You know your H, not us. You know what the two of you have been through. My statement about not trusting a cheater wasn't clear enough.

 

I wouldn't trust a career cheater. You know, the kind you described in the above paragraph. The kind who keeps his/her spouse while keeping another woman/man on the side for years and years and years. A person like that isn't looking for a "better" partner. They are happy having two people catering to them and perfectly satisfied with the need to lie and sneak around to keep the status quo.

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted
Do I think that a relationship that grows from an A, when the marriage has ended and the relationship is open and honest? Then yes, in much the same way any of us can fully trust the person we are with.

 

If someone shows through being open and honest and is willing to work on how they manage difficulties in a relationship and if they are transparent, then I don't think it can be any different from any other relationship. However, I wouldn't trust the word of anyone who could so easily lie and gaslight another to the extent that the other thinks they are losing the plot. No, that takes a special kind of deciet and one I wouldn't trust no further than I could throw it. To make any relationship work after an A takes a lot of work to make it trustworthy.

 

I agree with this. :)

TurboGirl Established Member

TurboGirl

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Lots of MM have one main OW... and are always trolling for additional OW online or in bars... kind of like a sport. They tell you, the OW, one thing... that you are the only, best, exception, blah blah blah, and turn around and are still looking for more ego stroking somewhere else. :p

 

So no, IMHO, you can't trust your AP. But that is my experience.

Heart On Established Member

Heart On

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Posted

That just bubbled up an old memory for me.

 

I remember having left my H and waiting for xMM to

get off the fence and be honest with someone for once

when he asked me if I had come to his house and lipstick kissed

his storm door.

 

I hadn't and thought...Who the F*** did though?

 

Another lead on and lied to OW, was who.

 

yeah....they are about as trustworthy as a Sociopath.

OldOnTheInside Established Member

OldOnTheInside

Posted
Posted
Modus operandi, "mode of operating"

'if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you', I believe is the adage.

 

Obviously not always true in every case but...I've tried the whole open-minded "it was a desperate time" and "they're a different person now, and they've learnt from the past" schtick far too many times. Often, it just ended up biting me in the *ss. There is a thin line between being open minded and being naive. And there is only one way to find out if you've crossed into the naive zone.

 

I spent around thirty years playing the players. Manipulating my manipulators. You'd be amazed at the number of people that genuinely trusted me, especially when I delivered the whole "it's a complicated situation and life isn't so black and white" line (which was true. I was dealing with people that were willing to bash my kneecaps in with a baseball bat). Didn't stop me from stabbing them in the back.

 

So, as with everything, YMMV.

Anna101 Established Member

Anna101

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So then the answer is no, no you do not trust him and it is with the one person he has cheated on you do not trust him with. Does that tell you a little something here?

 

 

Yeah, it tells me I'm realistic.

 

Either way, trusting someone is most irrelevant. You can trust all you like, it doesn't actually mean a thing when it comes to what they'd actually do.

oldguy Established Member

oldguy

Posted
Posted
Obviously not always true in every case but...I've tried the whole open-minded "it was a desperate time" and "they're a different person now, and they've learnt from the past" schtick far too many times. Often, it just ended up biting me in the *ss. There is a thin line between being open minded and being naive. And there is only one way to find out if you've crossed into the naive zone.

 

I spent around thirty years playing the players. Manipulating my manipulators. You'd be amazed at the number of people that genuinely trusted me, especially when I delivered the whole "it's a complicated situation and life isn't so black and white" line (which was true. I was dealing with people that were willing to bash my kneecaps in with a baseball bat). Didn't stop me from stabbing them in the back.

 

So, as with everything, YMMV.

No adage fits all. But I'm confused; your story does seem to fit the adage. Also; YMMV? your mileage may very?:confused:

OldOnTheInside Established Member

OldOnTheInside

Posted
Posted
No adage fits all. But I'm confused; your story does seem to fit the adage. Also; YMMV? your mileage may very?:confused:

 

I'm basically agreeing with you, old.

 

I wouldn't have trusted me.

 

But YMMV.

carrie999 Established Member

carrie999

Posted
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Yes, I trust my MM. I know plenty of cheaters (and OW/OM) are sex addicts, sociopaths, or just insecure and completely screwed up when it comes to relationships. There is no black and white when it comes to affairs or any other type of relationship.

 

Yes, MM has been deceiving his wife, and at least half the people here would argue that his behavior with her defines him as a person. In some affairs, it does, but in his case (and many others) it doesn't. If we ended up married and there was a major issue between us, we'd discuss it and resolve it or break up long before either of us was tempted by someone else. Part of that is how we interact, and another part is what we've learned about ourselves from being unfaithful.

oldguy Established Member

oldguy

Posted
Posted
I'm basically agreeing with you, old.

 

I wouldn't have trusted me.

 

But YMMV.

 

Darn, I sould have chosen the avatar name; 'oldontheoutside'. :laugh:

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted

I agree with Seren.

 

Yes I trust dMM. We are transparent with each other, open access to things, etc. While at times yes it is the person, a lot of times, and their unhealthy coping mechanisms that isn't set in stone. People can change and situations vary.

 

Does that mean he or I would never cheat. No, but that isn't the case with others as well. What we have addressed is our foundation of communication, conflict resolution, and coping mechanisms. We are both in IC and couples counseling to make sure our foundation is as strong as possible and that we address issues right away before they grow and develop over time.

Cabin Established Member

Cabin

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Posted
Could/would you ever fully trust the person you are having an A with? This would apply to men and women, OM/OW, and married folks that are cheating.

If you and the person you are having the A with were eventually to be together 'exclusively'.....would/could you trust them?

I am the OM.......and how could I expect her to trust me?

 

 

Yes, it is possible to trust your AP. As someone has already said, partly the trust is a choice. You must choose to trust them, otherwise, why be in a relationship with them?

 

The other part, for me anyway, is that gut instinct. Most of us know when our AP and the R are sincere.

 

Many "cheaters" might be serial liars, but keep in mind that many people who find themselves in an A never cheated before and will not cheat again.

 

My AP and I have discussed what trust will look like for us down the road when we are legitimate. His take is that how we spend and invest our time in one another will be the proof of one another's devotion and faithfulness.

 

He thinks it's pretty clear: when we spend almost all of our time together, and we intend to continue doing so, why would trust be an issue?

 

Cabin

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Yes, it is possible to trust your AP. As someone has already said, partly the trust is a choice. You must choose to trust them, otherwise, why be in a relationship with them?

 

The other part, for me anyway, is that gut instinct. Most of us know when our AP and the R are sincere.

 

Many "cheaters" might be serial liars, but keep in mind that many people who find themselves in an A never cheated before and will not cheat again.

 

My AP and I have discussed what trust will look like for us down the road when we are legitimate. His take is that how we spend and invest our time in one another will be the proof of one another's devotion and faithfulness.

 

He thinks it's pretty clear: when we spend almost all of our time together, and we intend to continue doing so, why would trust be an issue?

 

Cabin

 

Do you think that that could be as a result of latent distrust? In terms of, do you think that it could be a problem where you're spending almost all your time together, not just because you like to, but as a measure to ensure that they have no possible time to do anything as they're always in your sight?

Cabin Established Member

Cabin

Posted
Posted
Do you think that that could be as a result of latent distrust? In terms of, do you think that it could be a problem where you're spending almost all your time together, not just because you like to, but as a measure to ensure that they have no possible time to do anything as they're always in your sight?

 

Great question!

No, spending time together would not be related to trust or distrust... it would be because we have fun together and enjoy each other's company, quite simply.

 

My AP's point when he mentioned the "time spent together" part is that where one prioritizes their time is where one also prioritizes their heart and mind.

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