Could you ever fully trust the person you are having an affair with?

[MissBee]

Great question!

No, spending time together would not be related to trust or distrust... it would be because we have fun together and enjoy each other's company, quite simply.

 

My AP's point when he mentioned the "time spent together" part is that where one prioritizes their time is where one also prioritizes their heart and mind.

 

Oh okay!

 

Agree to the bolded.

 

I asked because I know many women, who are involved in non-affair relationships, have the wonky belief and practice of keeping tabs on their man. They are ever watchful and always around this person (I also had a friend whose boyfriend was the one who was like that), not because of the genuine companionship, but that anxiety and fear that if they aren't then this person is going to cheat. I always puzzled at that and could never figure out why someone would want to be involved in a relationship in which the person isn't cheating, not because THEY choose not to, but because they couldn't even if they wanted to, because their slave driver is always around.

 

I can also see how relationships starting from affairs could develop that type of dynamic, without it being obvious at the time. Earlier in the thread I mentioned that for me and the guy I had an affair with, I don't think a relationship would work out, as I can see how that type of dynamic would be enacted on both our parts.

[Waffles]

I'll provide the other side of the coin here. Negative nelly that I am.

 

The other part, for me anyway, is that gut instinct. Most of us know when our AP and the R are sincere.

Just like the BSs that knew their partner and relationships were sincere? Until...

 

Nobody knows. It's a crapshoot.

 

Many "cheaters" might be serial liars, but keep in mind that many people who find themselves in an A never cheated before and will not cheat again.

Never say never.

 

How many people say that they will never enter an affair until it happens?

How many people think that they have learnt their lesson, only to repeat the mistakes of the past yet again?

 

People change with time. People will do stupid and self-destructive things in time. You can say that it is unlikely to happen, but impossible?

 

If we ended up married and there was a major issue between us, we'd discuss it and resolve it or break up long before either of us was tempted by someone else. Part of that is how we interact, and another part is what we've learned about ourselves from being unfaithful.

Talk is talk. You can say "I'd rather divorce you than get involved in an(other) affair". But many BSs got the same speech. Didn't mean anything.

 

In any case I agree with saren. A healthy relationship must be both passionately fantastical to combat tedium, and realistically grounded to deal with any crippling issues. It is the latter that causes most relationships to fail.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Waffles