Husband of 19 years avoids me

[jaynieh]

I am 40 years old, and my husband is 43. We will have been married for 19 years this June, if the marriage lasts that long. We have no children - just dogs & cats.

 

About two and a half years ago, our marriage just seemed to disintegrate within a span of weeks. The loving husband I used to have is gone - perhaps never to return. Instead, I am left with an inconsiderate, unloving, cruel beast of a man, who does everything but hit me. Sometimes I think I'd really rather he hit me because the mental pain is more than I can stand.

 

He actively avoids me all the time, unnecessarily working long hours and also working weekends, which his job doesn't require. His job come first and is the most important thing in the world to him. (For instance, last January, I was terribly sick with pneumonia and had to drive myself to the ER for treatment - he was "too busy". I almost died.) He spent last July 4th and New Year's Eve with my ex-best friend and her husband about 500 miles from our home. He never told me about it first, never invited me to go - just called when he got there. I've suspected he and my ex-friend had something going on, but can't prove it - and he sanctimoniously declares that I'm being paranoid. Apparently, all that is wrong with his world can be traced directly back to me.

 

I will be the first to admit I haven't been the easiest person to live with, but then again, neither has he. I've had one illness after another in our married lives, mostly having to do with miscarriages and cancer. I also have back problems and an inherited microcytic anemia that makes me tired all the time. It seems like I never feel good, and he takes advantage of that to point out all my faults. He blames me for the state our marriage is in, although I have been the only one in the past few years that ever went out of my way to nurture it.

 

He's still nice to me a lot of the time, just not very loving. We haven't made love (or even kissed deeply) for two years. If I try to make advances towards him, he tells me I'm being "too heavy-handed" and to stop. Even when things are going well (i.e. no shouting matches, unkind words, etc.) he won't pay much attention to me. He just says he's "waiting for the other shoe to drop". He won't go to church with me anymore, he won't spend leisure time with me. He'll devote maybe two Saturday afternoons a month to being with me, and then I feel like I'm imposing on him because he really doesn't enjoy it.

 

I miss my best friend, my lover, my husband. Last year, he wanted a divorce, and I told him if he did divorce me, I'd make sure it would be nasty, as I would fight to keep all the animals (this would be like a fierce custody battle to most people). Now I don't know if he's staying just because he'd lose his dog and cat (he is very devoted to both - much more than he is devoted to me) or if he still has some small piece of love for me in his heart.

 

I just want to get rid of this nightmare my life has become. I can't leave him because I was laid off in January, and haven't found a job yet. And yes, I still love him. Completely, immensely, desperately, and infinitely. I'm so very lonely.

 

I've done most of the things that all the books tell you to do to cope with a husband's mid-life crisis. I'm working out at least 3-4 times a week, I've started back to college, I'm going out with friends more. And I've learned to be good company for myself. I try not to antagonize him, but he seems to be antagonized by my very existence sometimes. What else can I do? I'm not happy, and divorce (for me, at least) is completely out of the questions. I'm stuck in a living hell, and I have to smile and pretend to the world that I like it.

[Whistles75]

I am so sorry your going through this... I wish I could offer you some good advice, just hang in there and take care of you, ok. That's really all you can do right now. Isolation from the one you love is one of the worst feeling there are. I do know what your feeling.

 

Rachel

[jaynieh]

Thank you, Rachel, for your kind words. I try to take things on a day-by-day basis. Last night (Friday) he took me out to play pool and then out to dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant. It was a wonderful evening. But then this morning, he told me that "you sounded so pitiful, I had to do something". So now I am an object of pity as well as a nuisance.

 

He also told me that he has an opportunity to transfer to his "dream job" near Washington, D.C., if the company will make him a good offer. He knows as well as I do that houses aren't selling well here, and I'd have to stay here until it would sell. I'm left wondering if this is his way of leaving me under "acceptable" conditions.

 

I know it's hard dealing with my thalessemia and back problems - but I deal with them pretty successfully every day. I manage housework, college classes, taking care of the dogs and cats, as well as driving in some pretty nasty traffic on a daily basis. But it all seems so futile. Why should I even try? I get so depressed. There's never any help from my husband, and yet he says I take HIM for granted. I'm trying to hang in there. It's just really, really, really hard sometimes.