curlygirl40 Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Hi there So just looking for other people's stories here to see if this is something any of you have done and what your advice would be. I am friends with a guy who is separated from his wife (he's been moved out now for about 6 months). We met on a dating website, but really just formed a great friendship. It seems to me that he knows a lot of people but yet doesn't have a lot of true friends and seems to be enjoying that piece of it with us. There is definitely an attraction between us but I think we both know there's a chance that he may give his marriage one more shot so we're keeping our distance as far as letting anything get sexual. But yet friendship wise, we are getting closer and closer and sometimes it feels like we are building a relationship even though we are not intimate. Haven't even kissed more than a quick peck goodbye. But yet it feels like our feelings for each other are very real. At first I felt really good about being there for him because I really do think he needs a friend. He has since taken his profile down because he's decided he's not ready to date. But now it seems like we both know that we have feelings for each other and I'm afraid he is considering my feelings in all of this in his decision on giving his marriage one more try or not. The last thing I want to do is get in the way of him working things out with her, if that's the direction it's headed. I have no grand delusions that he's going to leave his wife and we will live happily ever after. I'm still online and dating. But I'm starting to wonder if having me in his life at all is confusing him too much and not helping him in making his decision to either divorce or give his marriage another shot. His wife doesn't seem to want him back and isn't fighting for him to come back. They both are just living separate lives. I won't go into details but from what he's told me I think his marriage is over and he's just afraid to pull the plug completely, and so is she. He's pretty sure she's seeing someone else. So anyone have any experiences you can share? Once two people are separated for 6 months, what are the odds of them working things out? Should I step back completely, will that help him in the long run to have me out of the picture? Thanks for your thoughts. I thought at first that having me as a friend was helpful to him, but now I'm worried that having me in his life at all is confusing him more. And I know he has enough to worry about without worrying about me in all of this.
oaks Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 There is definitely an attraction between us but I think we both know there's a chance that he may give his marriage one more shot so we're keeping our distance as far as letting anything get sexual. I think there's a lot of difference between dating someone who still thinks they might get back together with their spouse and work things out and dating someone for whom the relationship is definitely over apart from some (important) paperwork. I wouldn't date someone who admits to being in the first category (or who I think is in that category) but apart from that I don't think that separated people are significantly different from anyone else who has had a serious LTR 'recently' except, of course, that we can't run off to Vegas and get married! At least you know, to an extent, that they aren't complete commitment-phobes.
Author curlygirl40 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Well that's what I'm learning out of this. Previously I always thought when someone was online dating and separated it meant that the paperwork had been filed but not completed because why would they be 'out there' looking if that were not the case? Naive party of one, naive party of one.... I think because I'm not ready for something serious I haven't been scared away from people just leaving LTR's of any sort. I'm mostly just looking to date and see where it goes kinda thing (divorced myself for under a year). But what I'm learning is since I'm not looking for anything serious I'm inviting guys into my life who are truly not available. This guy is not available. Period. Thanks Oaks!
oaks Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Thanks Oaks! You're welcome. I think you just need to ask a bunch of questions of separated people to figure out where in the process they are and whether you're comfortable with dating someone in whatever their situation is. Separated doesn't just mean one thing, although it sounds like your guy isn't really available for anything serious.
lastresort Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I'm on the end of getting the divorce. Separated from stbx for 6 months now. Filed, no chance to get back together at all I just had this talk with a girl I have been seeing for about 3 weeks. I just straight up told her that I would like the relationship to go further but I think we need to just take our time and let it happen. I don't want to ruin what we have built over the time. she agreed and we decided to just keep what were doing. We haven't even kissed. My main concern with her is to not make it a rebound. I have known her family for over 15 years. I photographed her sisters wedding as well as her first wedding. Just be honest with him as he should with you. If it's meant to be it will work it's way through, and that is how were taking it. She told me when I am ready to commit we will make it happen.
KathyM Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I think you should step back, but leave the door open. Let him know that you would be interested to pursue the relationship, but that he needs to sort out his feelings and recover from his separation before he's ready to progress with any possible relationship with you. There's a great many people that end up going back to their spouse after a period of separation, and you will be left brokenhearted if he does go back. There's a reason why a lot of people refuse to date separated people. Because they don't want to waste their time on someone that isn't actually available and isn't emotionally ready for a new relationship. Lots of people I either know or know about had this happen, where they start a relationship with a separated person, and then they are heartbroken when he ends up going back to his wife. Not worth the risk to you. There are single and divorced people out there that are available to have a relationship with.
phineas Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 OP, if you are just looking to have fun, then what's the difference whether a guy is "available" or not?
carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Of the women I approached while separated, two chose to date me, generally for about a month or so. It took about eighteen months to get divorced (from filing) in our case. LS stories tend to reflect that men, especially men with children, can be more inclined to 'work things out' with their wives in the long term, which doesn't necessarily mean they won't date or have affairs in the short term. I ended up in OM land with a couple of women over the years whom I met while 'separated'. This was long before I understood the true dynamics of how marriages work and end (or not). The main difference now is I don't get emotionally attached to any woman. Socialize, sure; enjoy their company, definitely. Today is today. The future is yet to come. No need nor desire to invest in a future which isn't here. So, casual dating is in and dating with the prospect of a relationship or future marriage is out, at least with those who are currently still legally entangled with a spouse. When my exW and I dated, she was legally divorced a couple years at that point and lived alone. I met her exH and members of his family. No red flags. Fast forward to how times change, where she already had a boyfriend living in her house before we were divorced. Evidently, that was one man who didn't mind dating a separated woman. Haven't met him yet, though my best friend has. He and I could have an interesting chat
D-Lish Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I've had bad experiences dating recently separated men. I also befriended a guy recently from POF who is a year out of his marriage. He's so messed up he doesn't know what he wants. I've been on a few dates with guys like this- and I always end up playing therapist, lol. I remember how messed up I was after my divorce- I was in no shape to date (even though I did).
Author curlygirl40 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 OP, if you are just looking to have fun, then what's the difference whether a guy is "available" or not? The difference is that I really care about him as a friend and as a person and I'm starting to wonder if having me in his life is confusing him more. If I thought we could just see each other and have a good time and not worry about the future, but do it with an 'eyes wide open' kinda thing, I would be o.k with it. But it just seems like having me in his life is making his life more difficult and I don't want that for him.
oaks Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 It's wrong period to mess with married people. You signed up just to share this piece of wisdom?
Author curlygirl40 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 LS stories tend to reflect that men, especially men with children, can be more inclined to 'work things out' with their wives in the long term, which doesn't necessarily mean they won't date or have affairs in the short term. I think he's headed in this direction for that reason. The kids and keeping his family together. I think also that in order to go through with divorce, you have to be VERY sure that it's what you want. If it's your choice anyway. And he's not sure, so I do think he'll give it another go around just so he can say he did everything he could. Which is why I'm keeping my distance. It's hard though because I think we both feel like if it was a different time in our lives we could have had something. But it's not so we won't. If it's meant to be down the line, when he's truly available, then we can start something up. He has a long road ahead of him no matter which direction he chooses. I think we only have so much control of our need for contact from the other sex. If we're not getting it in our lives I think we'll search it out. So even if they are just separated and not sure where their marriage is headed, I think people will search out that companionship. D-Lish-I will not even look at a separated man now that I know how this feels. Never again. And not even to mention the long road they have back once the divorce is final. Rebound land, etc. And I do feel like a therapist. lol Even though I feel like I'm not ready for something serious, I don't like the way this feels either. Apparently even though I say I want something casual, just to date and have fun, I'm not wired that way. Lesson learned for sure.
carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Is his divorce amicable and are there children involved? Oh, OK, crossposted...there are children, thanks. What is his perspective on the process? Since you're 'friends', I'm sure it's come up. IME, divorce is like a death, with the marriage being the deceased. Even under the best of circumstances one is grieving the death of their love, their commitment, the time and emotion they invested into a failed enterprise. It's a vulnerable time as well as a time of wildly vacillating emotions. One could presume that they are not in their 'right mind' and behaviors and actions and words that may be out of character for them may intrude. 'Rebounding' is one of the potentials of this process. It's possible to maintain the 'friendship' without it becoming more intimate if both people act to preserve that. Talk with him about that if it's on your mind
grkBoy Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I dated a girl who was separated once. The reasons we fell apart though didn't have anything to do with being separated. She had dumped her husband months before meeting me, but she was stuck having to wait a certain period of time before the divorce would be final. We started dating, but I found she had many psychological red flags which created some rather tense moments. Imagine someone who gets herself drunk and cries herself to sleep over the father who never loved her and other insecurities...YIKES! She eventually dumped me for some guy friend who slithered in. Oh well. I know many here would say "NO" to dating a separated person, but I'd more say "tread carefully". In many states couples can't just instantly divorce. They want them to talk to a counselor and wait a period of time, so the couple who's itching to be done with one another can't necessarily be finished quickly. In that case I can't say he/she is carrying a torch, but I would be wary on becoming a rebound.
D-Lish Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I don't know why these guys bother trying to date! I went out with a guy a few weeks ago only to find out he was 9 months out of a 16 year relationship. He spent the entire date talking about his ex wife and all the problems they were going through.... Yet he told me he was completely "over" the break up:laugh:
carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 LOL, one of the ladies I dated (at the time I was separated eight months and she divorced seven years) spent part of one dinner talking about the exH who cheated on her. I won't mention the expletives used. Myself, I talked about a few frustrations with the legal processes of the divorce but nothing about my exW. I do recall mentioning that we had attended MC and it had helped a lot and that we used mediation instead of going to court. I guess each circumstance is different. Definitely YMMV.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Sometimes we have to be a little selfish with our time and affections. You said you thought he needed you now as a friend, but what do you need? It sounds as if the current arrangement isn't working well for you. If it's causing you distress or turmoil I think it's probably wise to back off. As many other posters have said there are different degrees of separation. Once I split with my exH there was NO going back EVER. I was totally messed up emotionally and I should not have dated, but I did anyway. I wouldn't get involved with a man in that same position now. I also wouldn't become close friends with a man who was still trying to work out a marriage. Those kinds of friendships can really put a road block on things and I sure don't want to stand in the way of someone's life.
Author curlygirl40 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 What is his perspective on the process? Since you're 'friends', I'm sure it's come up. It's a vulnerable time as well as a time of wildly vacillating emotions. One could presume that they are not in their 'right mind' and behaviors and actions and words that may be out of character for them may intrude. 'Rebounding' is one of the potentials of this process. It's possible to maintain the 'friendship' without it becoming more intimate if both people act to preserve that. Talk with him about that if it's on your mind From our conversations, I think the marriage is over but I think the pull of not letting his children down will pull him back in. He's distraught over that. His wife had a long term affair a few years back and his marriage has not been good ever since. And I would suspect his marriage wasn't that great before her affair as well, but we haven't discussed that part as much. Back in the spring he tried to move back to make things work, and it lasted a week before he moved back out. You have great advice, Carhill, I always love your perspective so thanks. We have discussed the fact that we will just be great friends for now and that we both like each other's company and I thought everything was on the table but then I received a text from him yesterday that made me think that maybe having me in his life is confusing him more than I thought. D-Lish-I'm not sure why either, I think it's just that basic need for someone of the opposite sex to spend some time with. I had myself on a dating website when I was separated also. BUT I was WAY over my ex and never talked about him on dates. Even though I knew I wasn't ready to be serious, I figured it couldn't hurt to put myself out there and get some dating experience. I'm sure some people have other motives. The need to get back at their wayward spouse by finding someone else. They can't be alone even though they should be for a while. They are looking for sex or FWB. Who knows. Noreallythathappened-I'm not sure what I need or want. I have my kids 90% of the time. One of my kids has special needs and it's taking up a lot of my time lately. I was in a very emotionally abusive marriage. So I think all I'm really looking for is occassional companionship. A date when my ex has the kids. I want to feel like I matter to someone. I want a friend to lean on and to make me feel special sometimes. Someone to check in with me to see how I'm doing. But I know I don't want to give up my freedom quite yet, I worked too hard for it. My son is challenging and I need to focus on him so I don't have a lot of time to date especially if that person is very needy with my time. So this works for me. We see each other 1-2x a month. Talk every few days. Text daily. We have an AWESOME time together when we're together. It fulfills that need for me. But like I have been saying, my concern right now is for him. I would be very happy if we just kept on the way we were for a while. But thinking that us doing that is causing him turmoil is my concern. And the last thing I want to do is get in the way of them getting back together. But they aren't working towards that at all. No counseling, no dates, no talking things out. They are both just kind of living their lives. Thank you all again. I'm online reading LS almost every day but I don't post a lot. I appreciate your thoughts.
phineas Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 The difference is that I really care about him as a friend and as a person and I'm starting to wonder if having me in his life is confusing him more. If I thought we could just see each other and have a good time and not worry about the future, but do it with an 'eyes wide open' kinda thing, I would be o.k with it. But it just seems like having me in his life is making his life more difficult and I don't want that for him. Wish I met more women like you when I was separated. Chicks wouldn't touch me with a 10 ft pole when it came to dating until I was legally divorced. Or they were looking to lock me down in some exclusive platonic thing with the hinted promise of sex once I was divorced & no longer "rebounding" I called them attention whores. LOL! I gave up on dating then & officially just wanted to have "fun" I'm still just looking to have "fun" I might try actually dating in the fall. I still got another month & 1/2 of summer left. Why tie myself down?
phineas Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) I don't know why these guys bother trying to date! I went out with a guy a few weeks ago only to find out he was 9 months out of a 16 year relationship. He spent the entire date talking about his ex wife and all the problems they were going through.... Yet he told me he was completely "over" the break up:laugh: I'm sorry, who? Ohhh yeah, her. The mother of my children. Yeah, I see her when we swap the kids. Hey, you ever go geocaching I didn't try dating until the running dialogue in my head replaying every argument we ever had about her lieing to me about her cheating stopped. Edited July 18, 2011 by phineas
LuluJ Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Sorry to glom onto your post, but I'm in desperate need of help with a sort of similar issue (you could be me in a year!!) and nobody has responded to my original post. I wish you luck, and I'm as confused about the "right" thing to do as you are!! I have been dating a wonderful man for almost a year. I'm 26 and he's 38. On our first date, I asked him if he had ever been married, and he said yes, but that they hadn't been together for four years. I assumed they were divorced, but a few months into the relationship, just as things were starting to get serious, he admitted to me that they had never finalized the divorce. They have essentially been [COLOR=#ff0000]SEPARATED[/COLOR] for four years, and though papers were drawn up, they had both been "lazy" and never finalized. There are no kids involved, but they share car insurance which saves them both some money. They're amicable, but completely and totally over (according to him). He told me that he loved me, that I was very important to him and that he wanted to be available to me, so he was going to get on with the divorce right away. I have tried very VERY hard not to nag or pressure him, but it's been months and he hasn't done anything to expidite the process, as far as I know. He even had a meeting set up with her, but he blew it off. I told him that it bothered me that he blew it off, and that I didn't want to wake up a year from now and have to admit to myself that he was never going to divorce her. He scoffed at that, as if it was a totally ridiculous fear. It REALLY bugged me that he blew that meeting off. It made me feel like he was ambivalent about divorcing her. She lives very close to him, but as far as I can tell (and I'm with him an awful lot), they have very little contact, and it's all very impersonal, about car insurance mostly. We're planning on moving in together in December, and he's said that he wants to be divorced by the time we move in. However, there seems to be no forward movement, and he seems to be blowing it off. The only other information that I have is that she has a lot of student debt, so is it possible that he's putting it off because he's afraid she'll ask for money? Please give me some advice, I love him, but I don't know where to draw the line and when this becomes disrespectful to me. I've never dated anyone significantly older than I am, and I've never dealt with a married/divorced/separated man. I so very much want this to work. Please help!!
D-Lish Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Wish I met more women like you when I was separated. Chicks wouldn't touch me with a 10 ft pole when it came to dating until I was legally divorced. Or they were looking to lock me down in some exclusive platonic thing with the hinted promise of sex once I was divorced & no longer "rebounding" I called them attention whores. LOL! I gave up on dating then & officially just wanted to have "fun" I'm still just looking to have "fun" I might try actually dating in the fall. I still got another month & 1/2 of summer left. Why tie myself down? No reason to- think about dating more seriously when you're ready and in a better space to do so.
OliveOyl Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Lulu, Just put your foot down. Tell him (and mean it) that you won't move in with him unless he's officially divorced yet. That you won't live with a married man, even if it's just a technicality. If he loves you and takes the relationship seriously he'll get the divorce. No kids are involved? It's not that hard.
Author curlygirl40 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Lulu, Just put your foot down. Tell him (and mean it) that you won't move in with him unless he's officially divorced yet. That you won't live with a married man, even if it's just a technicality. If he loves you and takes the relationship seriously he'll get the divorce. No kids are involved? It's not that hard. Agree with this completely. He's dragging his feet for some reason. And probably as long as you're willing to take it, he won't get off his butt and go through with it. I would agree to not move in with him until he is divorced. If you do, then you'll have no leverage so to speak. Hate to sound like you have to play that card, but I think you do. Is he like this in other areas of his life?
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