SWAN808 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Ive had a relationship with this girl for around 5 months now. Everything was going great I thought - I really liked seeing her, we both fancied eachother a lot...I actually thought I might be falling in love with her...then after a particularly intense period of seeing eachother - Ive gone cold and I feel like I need distance and have even started to wonder whether we are right for eachother... I was so enjoying the relationship - then wham. I cant really understand it. I read in the book 'Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus' that the male intimacy cycle can work like that - getting very close - then suddenly needing to take some space and retain some autonomy in your life. It does feel a lot like that. However - I have had these doubts creeping in at the same time - wondering if she is right for me...when I spend time with her - I have a great time and I cant keep my hands off her... But then a tiny bit of my brain is saying 'yes you have a nice time - but she isnt the right one for you...'... Ive had this feeling before - and I think I made errors with past girlfriends where I stopped liking them but stayed in the relationship too long...I ignored my feeling - and maybe Im worried about doing this again. I can sense things are getting serious now - and maybe Im worried about making a mistake...shouldnt I trust my feelings? Or is this some self-sabotage from past experiences? Its so confusing - I'd love it if someone could help me out... At the moment I told her I needed a bit of space and she had noticed how the constant stream of txt had slowed...I have tried to be as nice as possible and explain things to her because she is so lovely and I dont want to upset her... Not really sure what to do at the moment...maybe once I have some space it will blow over...but maybe its not right? thanks in advance for any thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
livy07 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Wow, you sound exactly like my ex! :/ We dated for 5 months exactly. The last 2 weeks of our relationship, he was completely different. He stopped calling/texting/e-mailing me as often... virtually stopped telling me he loved me... was not romantic or sweet to me at all anymore. I knew from the second it happened that something was "wrong" but he just kept saying "I didn't realize I was acting any different?" which I could NOT believe. And if I asked him what was wrong, he would say "nothing." And if I asked whether he still loved me, he would say "of course I do." Whatever the issue was, I will never know, because I became increasingly upset and he finally ended it with me... though I'm sure he would have anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
livy07 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 My point is -- I'm sure this girl would appreciate it if you are just honest with her, whatever you decide. I know that would have been nice for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SWAN808 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Wow, you sound exactly like my ex! :/ We dated for 5 months exactly. The last 2 weeks of our relationship, he was completely different. He stopped calling/texting/e-mailing me as often... virtually stopped telling me he loved me... was not romantic or sweet to me at all anymore. I knew from the second it happened that something was "wrong" but he just kept saying "I didn't realize I was acting any different?" which I could NOT believe. And if I asked him what was wrong, he would say "nothing." And if I asked whether he still loved me, he would say "of course I do." Whatever the issue was, I will never know, because I became increasingly upset and he finally ended it with me... though I'm sure he would have anyway. hey - sorry to hear that-sounds like maybe he didnt have much self-awareness...I would never behave like that if I stopped feeling it...I would be totally honest. Problem is - Im not really sure what to say at the moment... I already told her I needed some space but that she had not done anything wrong... This is why I guess its a good idea to take things slowly - rather than jump in head first saying everything - and suddenly realise its not right... Link to post Share on other sites
gothowitz Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Sounds like my last relationship! Went away for a camping trip, thought we both had a great time, went back home, and then next thing I knew, he was ignoring me for a week! I asked him what was going on, he didn't bother to explain anything to me, so I told him that I was assuming we were over. Then the next day, he said, "I just need some space." Have been doing NC save for a couple of really civil emails, one to break up and the other to remind him about dropping off a couple of my things. Anyway, all I can say is, you asked for space, use it to really think about what you want. Just don't take it against her if she gets tired of waiting and uses this space and time apart to find someone else who's sure he wants to be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Ive had a relationship with this girl for around 5 months now. Everything was going great I thought - I really liked seeing her, we both fancied eachother a lot...I actually thought I might be falling in love with her...then after a particularly intense period of seeing eachother - Ive gone cold and I feel like I need distance and have even started to wonder whether we are right for eachother... I was so enjoying the relationship - then wham. I cant really understand it. I read in the book 'Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus' that the male intimacy cycle can work like that - getting very close - then suddenly needing to take some space and retain some autonomy in your life. It does feel a lot like that. However - I have had these doubts creeping in at the same time - wondering if she is right for me...when I spend time with her - I have a great time and I cant keep my hands off her... But then a tiny bit of my brain is saying 'yes you have a nice time - but she isnt the right one for you...'... Ive had this feeling before - and I think I made errors with past girlfriends where I stopped liking them but stayed in the relationship too long...I ignored my feeling - and maybe Im worried about doing this again. I can sense things are getting serious now - and maybe Im worried about making a mistake...shouldnt I trust my feelings? Or is this some self-sabotage from past experiences? Its so confusing - I'd love it if someone could help me out... At the moment I told her I needed a bit of space and she had noticed how the constant stream of txt had slowed...I have tried to be as nice as possible and explain things to her because she is so lovely and I dont want to upset her... Not really sure what to do at the moment...maybe once I have some space it will blow over...but maybe its not right? thanks in advance for any thoughts... Sounds like the honeymoon period may be over...I am sort of like you...early on I want to spend like every moment with the person I'm seeing, and then after a while I need my space, it just happens. You don't want to get burnt out by someone. What I would do, maybe only hang out with her once during the week, and then either Friday or Saturday set up a nice traditional date, pick her up, take her out, etc. How often have you two been seeing each other during the week? Does your brain give you reasons why she isnt the one for you? What do you think? Make a list of positives and negatives...does she have any deal breakers? Just remember that the grass is not always greener on the otherside; take that from someone who once thought that which ended up ending a great relationship of 2.5 years. Every relationship has it ups and downs, times where you want to spend everymoment with the other person and times where you dont want to see them but once a week, just where you need your space. Link to post Share on other sites
livy07 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 hey - sorry to hear that-sounds like maybe he didnt have much self-awareness...I would never behave like that if I stopped feeling it...I would be totally honest. Problem is - Im not really sure what to say at the moment... I already told her I needed some space but that she had not done anything wrong... This is why I guess its a good idea to take things slowly - rather than jump in head first saying everything - and suddenly realise its not right... It's okay, really. I miss him and I'm hurting but I feel that I did everything I could to make it work. It's on him. I'm glad to hear you're being up front with her. May want to reassure her that you're not interested in anyone else at the moment (to save her from over-thinking the situation). I really hope you figure it all out. People here have lots of good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 OP, if this pattern is consistent with you then the common denominator is you. Your psychology; your behavior patterns. I don't note any adverse relationship issues mentioned in the OP. In fact, you're practically gushing about this lady. Like I said, if this is a pattern, and you can't resolve it yourself, get help. I've dated and been involved with women like this and such relationships have been a patent waste of my time and emotion. Eventually, they disappear for no reason or poison the dynamic to push me away. It took a lot of years to realize it wasn't me and that they were just incompatible and in some cases plain old whacked. Communicate, take your space and expect nothing. You're essentially asking for a break from an otherwise apparently healthy relationship. That has consequences. Own them. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SWAN808 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 man this forum is great - thanks so much everyone for the feedback Sounds like the honeymoon period may be over...I am sort of like you...early on I want to spend like every moment with the person I'm seeing, and then after a while I need my space, it just happens. You don't want to get burnt out by someone. What I would do, maybe only hang out with her once during the week, and then either Friday or Saturday set up a nice traditional date, pick her up, take her out, etc. How often have you two been seeing each other during the week? Does your brain give you reasons why she isnt the one for you? What do you think? Make a list of positives and negatives...does she have any deal breakers? Just remember that the grass is not always greener on the otherside; take that from someone who once thought that which ended up ending a great relationship of 2.5 years. Every relationship has it ups and downs, times where you want to spend everymoment with the other person and times where you dont want to see them but once a week, just where you need your space. exactly...we have been super intense over the last months txting all day and seeing eachother every other day at least...and this is quite early on I think...then suddenly I have these doubts - yes thinking or feeling there is something not right...my brain going over and over whether she is the one for me...I have this idea that there is this perfect type for me that maybe she is not like...even tho I think in many ways she is brilliant... We do need to go on traditional dates...over all this time generally Ive just been going to her place to hang out... OP, if this pattern is consistent with you then the common denominator is you. Your psychology; your behavior patterns. I don't note any adverse relationship issues mentioned in the OP. In fact, you're practically gushing about this lady. Like I said, if this is a pattern, and you can't resolve it yourself, get help. a valid point - but in my case the pattern has been to stay with a girl for too long in the past - whilst knowing deep down she wasnt the one. I have a problem letting go due to difficulties in my childhood (if Im being very honest)...Maybe in this case Im panicking about doing the same-holding on too long...which is contributing...when actually she is pretty good for me...Im not sure... I guess it is a good idea to do as Casablanca says. Take some space and trim it down to the essentials - and see how that goes... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Are you attracted to women you aren't attracted to? Do you leave women who treat you with love and respect? You pursued this woman because of an impetus within yourself. You romanced her. You bedded her. You made those choices. She evidently has been loving and respectful towards you (I envy you greatly). After all of that, you're thinking she's now not the right one and you're afraid of following a pattern of 'staying too long'. OK, sounds good. Take a break and see where it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Wow, you sound exactly like my ex! :/ We dated for 5 months exactly. The last 2 weeks of our relationship, he was completely different. He stopped calling/texting/e-mailing me as often... virtually stopped telling me he loved me... was not romantic or sweet to me at all anymore. I knew from the second it happened that something was "wrong" but he just kept saying "I didn't realize I was acting any different?" which I could NOT believe. And if I asked him what was wrong, he would say "nothing." And if I asked whether he still loved me, he would say "of course I do." Whatever the issue was, I will never know, because I became increasingly upset and he finally ended it with me... though I'm sure he would have anyway. Wow livy, sounds so much like my situation with my ex as well. I am still in contact with him due to many, many mutual friends, so it sucks seeing him and wondering what happened! OP- I think you are being pretty mature with this. You are considering the other person's feelings, as well as your own. As livy and I both can relate too- we dont know what happened. I too saw my ex become distant after 6 months together, in a matter of 2 weeks..he was texting less, just not as excited towards me, and then dumped with with no reason to give etc. And no fight, nothing occurred. He states he can turn off his feelings, and kinda said he sabotages things for himself. (granted 2 months afterwe broke up- he met someone else, but I am almost certain he will repeat his pattern). Like I said, you are being honest with your partner, and that is so admirable! I know you are worried of making a mistake, but you need to go with how you feel, and at the least, if you end it, on good terms, and treat her respectfully...you never know, you may have the chance to reconnect after some time for yourself, and if you end it, and it feels right, than it most likely was the right thing to do! Link to post Share on other sites
cat Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 You could be my ex... for real. THis just happened to me, exactly. I mean, perfect relationship, I know he feels the way about me that you described about your ex. Everything was going so well, we were really happy. THen one day... nada. The only difference is that he didn't give me the respect of explaining to me that he needed space, he just ignore me and blew me off three times in a week and basically forced me into calling him out and ending it. But I digress. I don't have much to add to this, just that it's really comforting to think that a man would actually have these thoughts and try to figure out the issue. I will say this... no one is perfect. I don't know what you're looking for in terms of qualities in a mate, but I do know that no one will be 100% there. Part of getting comfortable with intimacy is accepting the bad with the good and knowing your love will withstand that. It's a sign of relationship maturity. I also don't know if a person needs to learn this within the context of a relationship or needs to be single to figure it out. BUt I do know it's a key to closeness and happiness. Can you tell that to my ex? Link to post Share on other sites
livy07 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 You could be my ex... for real. THis just happened to me, exactly. I mean, perfect relationship, I know he feels the way about me that you described about your ex. Everything was going so well, we were really happy. THen one day... nada. The only difference is that he didn't give me the respect of explaining to me that he needed space, he just ignore me and blew me off three times in a week and basically forced me into calling him out and ending it. But I digress. I don't have much to add to this, just that it's really comforting to think that a man would actually have these thoughts and try to figure out the issue. I will say this... no one is perfect. I don't know what you're looking for in terms of qualities in a mate, but I do know that no one will be 100% there. Part of getting comfortable with intimacy is accepting the bad with the good and knowing your love will withstand that. It's a sign of relationship maturity. I also don't know if a person needs to learn this within the context of a relationship or needs to be single to figure it out. BUt I do know it's a key to closeness and happiness. Can you tell that to my ex? Yep. Sounds just like what Shortee and I have both gone through! My ex kept saying nothing was wrong. Then finally after two weeks, completely out of left field, he came up with some crap about how it felt "wrong" when I was with him and his son. I find this very hard to believe, as he always told me how happy he was when we were all together, and how I was so good with his son, and his previous gf didn't "click" with him as I did. Oh but he spent 2 YEARS working on THAT relationship, and I didn't make it to 6 months??! Very confusing. Men seem to fall in love quickly with me... then one day they look around and realize how serious the relationship's become, and they just shut down. These people needn't tell me they love me, because love doesn't work that way! Link to post Share on other sites
cat Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) Men seem to fall in love quickly with me... then one day they look around and realize how serious the relationship's become, and they just shut down. These people needn't tell me they love me, because love doesn't work that way! Wow, I have the same problem! And I really believe it's a problem. I'm personable and easy to connect with, and a good listener, so men who have never been heard and understood before think they've hit the jackpot. Not that I don't think they're right, because I really think I"m a good catch. But I find myself wanting to keep them from falling too hard to avoid what I fear is the inevitable fall from the pedestal. I don't know how I could have avoided this in my relationship that just ended. I certainly dind't see it coming. We were SO HAPPY. And he just freaked out. He tried to downgrade our relationship to just "dates without commitment" but I said no, that's not what I wanted. I don't want to wait around for him to decide he wants to hang out with me. I want back what we had, which was him not being able to wait to see me. The final week went like this: blew me off Friday, blew me off SUnday. I was supposed to go out of town on Monday but couldn't go because my mom was in an accident. Didn't come to the hospital or even to my house to give me a hug even though I was a wreck. Texted Wednesday, said he missed me. Asked if he could see me Saturday and asked if I would meet him for a walk in the park at 2:00 pm. I agreed to hear him out. Texted me at 1:30 and said he wasn't feeling well and to enjoy my walk in the park!!! I went to his house at 2:30, got my stuff, said goodbye. Done. Very hard though. Edited July 18, 2011 by cat Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Yep. Sounds just like what Shortee and I have both gone through! My ex kept saying nothing was wrong. Then finally after two weeks, completely out of left field, he came up with some crap about how it felt "wrong" when I was with him and his son. I find this very hard to believe, as he always told me how happy he was when we were all together, and how I was so good with his son, and his previous gf didn't "click" with him as I did. Oh but he spent 2 YEARS working on THAT relationship, and I didn't make it to 6 months??! Very confusing. Men seem to fall in love quickly with me... then one day they look around and realize how serious the relationship's become, and they just shut down. These people needn't tell me they love me, because love doesn't work that way! I understand, I think I've fallen for you after a short 25 posts.:.. Link to post Share on other sites
gothowitz Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I will say this... no one is perfect. I don't know what you're looking for in terms of qualities in a mate, but I do know that no one will be 100% there. Part of getting comfortable with intimacy is accepting the bad with the good and knowing your love will withstand that. It's a sign of relationship maturity. I also don't know if a person needs to learn this within the context of a relationship or needs to be single to figure it out. BUt I do know it's a key to closeness and happiness. Can you tell that to my ex? My ex needs to know this too haha! Link to post Share on other sites
gothowitz Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Men seem to fall in love quickly with me... then one day they look around and realize how serious the relationship's become, and they just shut down. These people needn't tell me they love me, because love doesn't work that way! This is also the case for me! Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 wow this is kinda great to read thru haha, I dont feel so alone! My ex had a 3 yr relationship prior to me, and had nothing good to say about it, the girl was crazy, needy, controlling, and he really saw no continued future etc. But me, I couldnt make it past 8 months. I too am a chill kinda gal, but will stand up for myself of course when needed, I just dont go nuts on guys over everything..my ex adored that about me (or so he said). He told me I was the girl of his dreams, and he was so happy with me. He fell for me fast and hard...whereas it took me awhile to really get into it with him. than BOOM I realize I am falling in love with him, only to have him become distant, and dump me. Even moreso, I had to initiate the breakup by calling him out on him acting so crappy. We had no drama, no fight...but he just peaced out and left me I get feelings change, but when you breakup and give no reason, nor do you even try and give up a seemingly healthy relationship...ahh I dont get it! Even tho I can get past the breakup--this annoyance (and hurt) lingers on. Link to post Share on other sites
livy07 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 wow this is kinda great to read thru haha, I dont feel so alone! I agree completely! It's awesome to know I'm not the only one that this happens to! My ex had a 3 yr relationship prior to me, and had nothing good to say about it, the girl was crazy, needy, controlling, and he really saw no continued future etc. But me, I couldnt make it past 8 months. I too am a chill kinda gal, but will stand up for myself of course when needed, I just dont go nuts on guys over everything..my ex adored that about me (or so he said). He told me I was the girl of his dreams, and he was so happy with me. He fell for me fast and hard...whereas it took me awhile to really get into it with him. than BOOM I realize I am falling in love with him, only to have him become distant, and dump me. Even moreso, I had to initiate the breakup by calling him out on him acting so crappy. We had no drama, no fight...but he just peaced out and left me I hear you!! Why do they work so hard on something that isn't working, but then when they have it good they turn and run?! My boyfriend was even in couples therapy with his most recent ex (they have prior history.... essentially he dated her years ago but left her for his son's mom (I'm guessing I should have seen this as a red flag, but I just attributed it to immaturity, as that was over 5 years ago), and then they re-united after the relationship with the son's mother failed). She struggled with depression and was very co-dependent, and was jealous of the situation with his son and (understandably) his son's mother. I get feelings change, but when you breakup and give no reason, nor do you even try and give up a seemingly healthy relationship...ahh I dont get it! Even tho I can get past the breakup--this annoyance (and hurt) lingers on. Amen!! It certainly makes it hard to find closure. My ex threw out that crap about his kid at the VERY last second, but it does make it easier. I couldn't just give up without getting something out of him, and I think he knew that. It seemed totally fabricated but who knows. I just tell myself it's true so I can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
livy07 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I understand, I think I've fallen for you after a short 25 posts.:.. Oh please, spare me the inevitable heartache! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SWAN808 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 It interesting that this is not as it seems an unusual event....for better or worse...sorry to hear about those who have been jerked around... I think perhaps that the reality is you can be with someone really great - who still isnt 'the one'. 5/6 months might be enough time to realise this...? A lot of guys obviously are not good at communicating this or dealing with it well... Its obviously a very confusing concept...to see a lot of good in someone - yet feel its not right... Its all very well if someone has a list of great qualities and attributes - but if the heart is not there - maybe its not there. The question is - if you have the feeling that someone might not be right in the longer term - is it ok to see how things pan out - and enjoy it in the present? Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Oh please, spare me the inevitable heartache! oh its ok, I've shut down already Link to post Share on other sites
thelovingkind Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Yes, exactly like my ex too. Great relationship, totally into each other, loved hanging out, both feeling the intimacy, vibrancy, buzz, "specialness" of it all. And then suddenly he's different. Stand-offish, sparse conversation, stilted interaction, almost like I'm a stranger. Within two weeks from my first little sense of something being off it was all over. My own belief, tainted by this having happened to me a few times now, is that this will never, ever come right for you. From the way you describe it -- that "cold" feeling -- I could just sense that this is all off. I think my ex tried to play it by ear for a week or two, rather like you did -- he tried to fake it hoping he'd start to make it again. But honestly when it's gone, it's gone. Maybe in a very long term relationship you might expect cycles of intimacy, but within the first year or two I strongly believe you should not be in this position. This is your body saying, by stemming the release of pleasure-generating chemicals in your brain, "Get out, get out, this one's not for you." Link to post Share on other sites
gothowitz Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 At the risk of sounding preachy, I'd just like to share something that I learned through a Theology class I took in university. The concept is from this book called, "The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth" by M. Scott Peck, MD. Some people just really mistake the "I've fallen out of love" feeling for "I could/would never love him/her." Falling in love is effortless, loving is effortful. Falling in love or out of it is a feeling and is thus transient, while loving will endure until you decide to stop. During the honeymoon stage, there's this feeling of oneness with the other. You could even say you're helpless to fight what you feel, or that fate brought you together. You notice all the things you have in common, all the things you like in him/her that may also be really a reflection of the things you like in yourself or want to have in yourself. And then suddenly, these differences crop up, and then it dawns on you that you two are really separate and unique individuals. The other isn't perfect. You then see things about him/her that perhaps shed light on things in yourself that you're not exactly comfortable facing. This is when love becomes a choice, to move forward in recognition of the fact that we were not meant to be photocopies of one another and that we're not supposed to mold the other into a person that we wish them to be. This is where the adage, "Lead your heart" is especially true. The book also touches on what love isn't, i.e. sacrifice and co-dependence. It also argues that love is the will to extend oneself for the good of the other. It's an interesting read! Link to post Share on other sites
David Cain Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I think perhaps that the reality is you can be with someone really great - who still isnt 'the one'. If you know they're not the one then there's no need to associate with them. Link to post Share on other sites
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