Author SWAN808 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 At the risk of sounding preachy, I'd just like to share something that I learned through a Theology class I took in university. The concept is from this book called, "The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth" by M. Scott Peck, MD. Some people just really mistake the "I've fallen out of love" feeling for "I could/would never love him/her." Falling in love is effortless, loving is effortful. Falling in love or out of it is a feeling and is thus transient, while loving will endure until you decide to stop. During the honeymoon stage, there's this feeling of oneness with the other. You could even say you're helpless to fight what you feel, or that fate brought you together. You notice all the things you have in common, all the things you like in him/her that may also be really a reflection of the things you like in yourself or want to have in yourself. And then suddenly, these differences crop up, and then it dawns on you that you two are really separate and unique individuals. The other isn't perfect. You then see things about him/her that perhaps shed light on things in yourself that you're not exactly comfortable facing. This is when love becomes a choice, to move forward in recognition of the fact that we were not meant to be photocopies of one another and that we're not supposed to mold the other into a person that we wish them to be. This is where the adage, "Lead your heart" is especially true. The book also touches on what love isn't, i.e. sacrifice and co-dependence. It also argues that love is the will to extend oneself for the good of the other. It's an interesting read! thanks - interesting points...maybe this is whats happening...I do care an awful lot about her...but am having doubts...but there are many plusses also...I think I need to talk to her... Perhaps putting this in a breakups area of the forum wasnt such a great idea - as there has been a lot of people gone thru this experience from a negative perspective...and been dumped - rather than worked thru it... Link to post Share on other sites
gothowitz Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 thanks - interesting points...maybe this is whats happening...I do care an awful lot about her...but am having doubts...but there are many plusses also...I think I need to talk to her... Perhaps putting this in a breakups area of the forum wasnt such a great idea - as there has been a lot of people gone thru this experience from a negative perspective...and been dumped - rather than worked thru it... Just imagine how it'd be like for you if you did walk away from her, and then you suddenly realize that that you'd made a big mistake and wanted her back. What if she faced you and said, "You left me once, how can I be sure that you'll never do it me again? I deserve better." I've read posts here about dumpers who had "feelings" that they didn't want to be with their SOs anymore, acted on them by initiating a breakup, and then later on realized that they'd made a mistake. Or posts about big blow-ups, or somebody saying the wrong thing (and regretted later on) because they were angry, and then the couple split up. All I'm saying is, feelings are too tricky to trust as foolproof. Feelings are involuntary and are shaped by many factors, both internal and external. I'm sitting here at home in front of my TV while watching The Doctors, and I just heard that guys are apparently more easily affected by their environment. You could read a ton of literature explaining the evolutionary (feelings as part of our "survival mechanism"), biological (rise and fall of hormones, especially testosterone for men), etc. perspectives on feelings. [On a side note, I just learned that guys, when they start dating someone new, their testosterone levels go down while bonding, so there really comes a time when the body says, the testosterone needs to be replenished, hence the feeling of wanting to become independent again and be distant from your SO.] Going back to the saying "Lead with you heart," do you ever wonder why you're brain's in your head and your heart is in your chest below it? Link to post Share on other sites
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