leema Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Hi This is my first thread here, I hope I will get support and advice in here because I really need it. I'm with my boyfriend since one year now and we have a great chemistry and he is really adorable. He was clear about our situation from the first day, he doesn't want to get married, I was OK with it as I was not thinking about marriage. However my feelings changed during this year I love him too much and can't be a part from him, I asked him again about our situation and he replyed the same, he is not ready for marriage. Its killing me I want a long term commitment with him, I want to share life with him and have his kids, Is it too much to ask? we are not living together as I dont see a point of living with him if he has no intention of living with me forever. a week ago I told him that I cant go on with this and want to move on, after three days he came back crying that he cant live without me and he begged me to go back, he suggested that we get engagged, but again he is not sure of getting married, he just wants enggagement. I feel he is doing it just because I wanted it not because he wants to be with me. I dont want force him in this, at the same time i'm 33 yrs old and want to be married to the person I love. I realy want advice, shell I leave and move on and may be i get some one who really wants to be with me or just wait around till he makes up his mind about marrying me or not??!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bigmomma1974 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Does he love oyu unconditionally? If so give it some time. You been with him a yr. Heck some people don't marry for years after they started dating. I get you want to marry the love of oyur life but he isn't ready and if you push him into it there will be resentmens. I suggest you either stay will him and continue the way you are and let the love you ahve for each other grow more an dwait to see if he wants to marry down the liine. If this isnt somethng that you can do then end the relationship, move on and find a man that will marry you and love you like you deserve. Pushing him into it will lead to disaster. Maybe try living togeter first even though you said oyu dont want to unless he commits to you. Howver living with someone before marriage tells you wether or not you can live together. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 This is pretty cut and dry, he doesn't want to get married right now and you do. As someone who has been in that situation, are you confident that he will want to marry you ONE DAY? And can you wait for ONE DAY to come? I mean he is willing to get engaged, maybe he is doing it to keep you, but maybe not. But most men who aren't "ready" for marriage would never suggest engagement when they are not ready for marriage. So maybe he wants to make you happy. Anyway, I think you need to make the decision if you are willing to wait for him to want to get married. 1 year is a fairly short amount of time, but you are 33 so I can see why you would want to start thinking about children. So are you willing to wait for him? Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Its killing me I want a long term commitment with him, I want to share life with him and have his kids, Is it too much to ask? LMAO You can`t be serious. It`s everything, it`s a persons entire life, future, love, sanity, stability, it`s EVERYTHING!! It is apparently too much for him and there`s nothing wrong with that. I realy want advice, shell I leave and move on and may be i get some one who really wants to be with me or just wait around till he makes up his mind about marrying me or not??!!! Leave him, go no contact and never see him again. Any engagement/marriage with him will only be to appease you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leema Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Pushing him into it will lead to disaster. Thats what I dont want to do, I dont want to push him and will regret later, thats why I suggested to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leema Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Leave him, go no contact and never see him again. Any engagement/marriage with him will only be to appease you. although I love him too much, I guess this the time to move on, I dont want him to do it just to please me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leema Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Why don't you wait six months and see how he feels? I don't think that he truly wants to marry you right now; he is just giving you the ring to shut you up and buy him some more waffling time. The thing is in this one year we did everything a couple will do we travled together, supported each other financially, thought of starting business together, we planned our life ahead. If he couldn't make up his mind in this one year, then I think even if I gave him all the time in the world I will still have the same reply!! Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 He was clear about our situation from the first day, he doesn't want to get married, I was OK with it as I was not thinking about marriage. This part of your story is the most striking. He was up front with his desires from day #1. You are the one who has changed. It's unreasonable for you to expect him to change, and you shouldn't want to go into a marriage with him just trying to appease you. While he may seem like your "perfect" match, he is not. You want someone who wants to marry you. Time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leema Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 This is pretty cut and dry, he doesn't want to get married right now and you do. As someone who has been in that situation, are you confident that he will want to marry you ONE DAY? And can you wait for ONE DAY to come? I mean he is willing to get engaged, maybe he is doing it to keep you, but maybe not. But most men who aren't "ready" for marriage would never suggest engagement when they are not ready for marriage. So maybe he wants to make you happy. Anyway, I think you need to make the decision if you are willing to wait for him to want to get married. 1 year is a fairly short amount of time, but you are 33 so I can see why you would want to start thinking about children. So are you willing to wait for him? I will wait for him if he asks me to do so, I asked him will he be ready someday to marry me so I can wait for him he said he is not sure!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I will wait for him if he asks me to do so, I asked him will he be ready someday to marry me so I can wait for him he said he is not sure!!! Hmm, that's a different story if he said he isn't sure he even wants to marry you SOMEDAY. That's not a good sign. I would consider moving on then, if he doesn't ever have plans to marry you, then why be engaged to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I am trying to grasp the hardship you are enduring. Let me get this straight: You both get along, you both seem to love one another yet your pain is in the fact that you don't get a piece of paper that gives you legal rights? Sorry but I'll take happiness and whatever time I am given with someone I love over a piece of paper and a "title" of Mrs anyday. I get that some folks presume that a marriage license guarantees some level of commitment and such, yet in this current day and age I must ask you sincerely, IF he is someone that has captured your heart then you already have the commitment. Enjoy what is, none of us here can guarantee that it will be wedful bliss if he goes that route. Count your blessings....for I envy you for having someone and being apart of their life. Its a gift to not take for granted... Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Marriage is important to some people, including the OP. I have a friend who just had a child with her boyfriend. She says marriage is just a piece a paper, yet she likes to pretend she is married to her child's father. They refer to themselves as "married" and my friend calls his mom her "mother-in-law." Leema, it doesn't seem like your boyfriend is the marrying kind. Time for you to find a man that shares your morals. Nothing is wrong with wanting marriage. I agree with You Lady Day on the statement that marriage is Important to some. I think though the OP is putting the cart before the horse and forgetting that marriage itself takes compromise. Her suitor is willing to go the step of engagement to appease her desire. That is a positive. I question though what her intentions are in the long run. Where we differ respectfully is that I consider a healthy relationship not needing the courts to dictate what rights the adults have, which marriage constitutes. A marriage license doesn't seal happiness or love. Link to post Share on other sites
ImageofLove Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 It's definitely not too much to ask! This is your life. If he wants you to be in his life he will step up to the plate but 1 year isn't very long. He may need a bit more time but it depends if you're willing to give it to him. It may be best to go with your gut feeling. One thing that I noted is that he is being open and honest with you, which shows his character is good. I understand that you're are 33 and want to know. I am 32 and am going through something similar but we have been together 5 years. It's difficult to know how much time you give them while also thinking of your biological clock. None of us know what will happen in the future but you don't want to be waiting for another 3 years only to find out he hasn't changed his mind. When you don't know what to do, listen to your gut instinct. It normally tells you what your next step should be. I think 1 more year is reasonable to see if he changes his mind but there is no point in getting engaged if he still doesn't want to get married. You will only get a ring and won't be any closer to your goal of marriage. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I agree with You Lady Day on the statement that marriage is Important to some. I think though the OP is putting the cart before the horse and forgetting that marriage itself takes compromise. Her suitor is willing to go the step of engagement to appease her desire. That is a positive. I question though what her intentions are in the long run. Where we differ respectfully is that I consider a healthy relationship not needing the courts to dictate what rights the adults have, which marriage constitutes. A marriage license doesn't seal happiness or love. The engagement offer is for him to get her off his back about the whole marriage thing..that's not compromise, that's manipulation. OP, if marriage is important to you, then you shouldn't have to give that up. I think what the other posters are saying though, is that even though marriage is important to you, you are otherwise happy in your relationship. So do you think you could be just as happy with your boyfriend unmarried? That being said though, don't feel like you have to sacrifice your desires for your boyfriend. Unfortunately, I think that if marriage is something you just cant give up, then you may have to look elsewhere for it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author leema Posted July 23, 2011 Author Share Posted July 23, 2011 I totally understand the different opinon about marriage stated in here, however believe me marriage is the dream of every women on this earth no matter what they say, finding some one who cares about you and willing to be there for you forever is the dream of every women. This is not fullfilled by just living together or pretending to be partners. What I'm asking here is if he is willing to be with me the rest of his life than why not officially? As you said giving him more time will not guarantee that he will change his mind. well, I guess the right thing to do is to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 What I'm asking here is if he is willing to be with me the rest of his life than why not officially? I guess that's something only your boyfriend knows and can answer. I know that the divorce rate scares a lot of people out of marriage, especially men because they have more to lose in the event of a divorce. He may also feel that marriage is "final" and that he will lose his freedom and feel strangled. As you said giving him more time will not guarantee that he will change his mind. well, I guess the right thing to do is to move on. If you really feel in your heart that he doesn't have any intention of marrying you (which it doesn't sound like he does unfortunately) then moving on may be for the best. ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 I totally understand the different opinon about marriage stated in here, however believe me marriage is the dream of every women on this earth no matter what they say, finding some one who cares about you and willing to be there for you forever is the dream of every women. This is not fullfilled by just living together or pretending to be partners. What I'm asking here is if he is willing to be with me the rest of his life than why not officially? As you said giving him more time will not guarantee that he will change his mind. well, I guess the right thing to do is to move on. Your "beliefs" are yours. And NOT That of every women so please speak for yourself on the level of "desiring marriage". I have zero tolerance as a female gender to be told that I am of the mass's in the desire and or NEED to marry for marrying sake. Its insulting to think for others per se. SO be it if you have the desire, I can respect that but do not for one moment become the spokesperson for ALL women in your statement. I sincerely believe that the guy wouldn't stick around if he wasn't happy in his desires and commitment, yet the OP is unyielding in the marital way. The best way I can relate is, if my sons ever dated a girl who insisted on marriage and he wasn't ready, I'd tell him to run, not walk from the matter. So run and don't look back, marriage in the traditional sense is NOT for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leema Posted July 24, 2011 Author Share Posted July 24, 2011 Your "beliefs" are yours. And NOT That of every women so please speak for yourself on the level of "desiring marriage". I have zero tolerance as a female gender to be told that I am of the mass's in the desire and or NEED to marry for marrying sake. Its insulting to think for others per se. SO be it if you have the desire, I can respect that but do not for one moment become the spokesperson for ALL women in your statement. I sincerely believe that the guy wouldn't stick around if he wasn't happy in his desires and commitment, yet the OP is unyielding in the marital way. The best way I can relate is, if my sons ever dated a girl who insisted on marriage and he wasn't ready, I'd tell him to run, not walk from the matter. So run and don't look back, marriage in the traditional sense is NOT for everyone. Hi Tayla I dont want to start a debate about marriage, however I will only say this, it is there in every religion it is there from the begining of time, it is there from Adam and Eve. I think you are missing my point here, I'm not forcing him in marriage, I asked his opinion and gave him the option to leave but he wants me despratly and can't give me what I want. I dont to think its wise that I sacrify my dream of having a family for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 My pardons for earlier statements made towards the OP. She has her set of standards and beliefs that deserve to be acknowledged. By the same token , tossing the baby out with the bathwater has not been a mantra to live by. Surely there is some middle ground on this matter. Nothing is written in stone and most things can be worked thru by the couple. I'm struggling with the fact that when one has a good relationship and it carries far more positives then negatives, why would someone walk away? Point and facts are this, its their life and while each of us may have pros and cons on the matter, its ultimately BOTH their choices. I keep only reading her side and we haven't a clear picture of what His real views and hestitations are on. We can speculate til dooms day , yet she knows in her heart what is needed....I can only wish the best outcome for this scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
chickchef Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I dated my bf for seven years and we finally got engaged 5 months ago. We are getting married in a month. We would have done it sooner but we wanted to wait to make sure I stayed sober over two years and that he saved the money for the ring we wanted. One year is pretty quick. But I do know this, if you bring up marriage he will withdraw from you. Let him bring it up. Make him realize he cant live with you. Get the book the rules as cheesey as it sounds it works. Plus you need more time to make sure hes the right one. If you dont live with him do not more in until you have a ring. Keep busy and have an active social life that doesn't include him. Guys like a chase. You dont want to give him an ultimatum or he will just resent you. He should ask barbecue he cant live with out you. If in a year nothing has changed just move on. Your wasting valuable time you could be meeting mr right. If he says he is not ready then hes not. IF he says he doesn't want to marry YOU or get Married at all the...."he's just not that into you" Link to post Share on other sites
shlctv Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Im working with a team of experts and doctors with specific issues like this to understand why relationships get stuck right before marriage. If anyone has any questions as to why won't he marry me please email [email protected] We want to hear from real people like you Hi This is my first thread here, I hope I will get support and advice in here because I really need it. I'm with my boyfriend since one year now and we have a great chemistry and he is really adorable. He was clear about our situation from the first day, he doesn't want to get married, I was OK with it as I was not thinking about marriage. However my feelings changed during this year I love him too much and can't be a part from him, I asked him again about our situation and he replyed the same, he is not ready for marriage. Its killing me I want a long term commitment with him, I want to share life with him and have his kids, Is it too much to ask? we are not living together as I dont see a point of living with him if he has no intention of living with me forever. a week ago I told him that I cant go on with this and want to move on, after three days he came back crying that he cant live without me and he begged me to go back, he suggested that we get engagged, but again he is not sure of getting married, he just wants enggagement. I feel he is doing it just because I wanted it not because he wants to be with me. I dont want force him in this, at the same time i'm 33 yrs old and want to be married to the person I love. I realy want advice, shell I leave and move on and may be i get some one who really wants to be with me or just wait around till he makes up his mind about marrying me or not??!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Hi This is my first thread here, I hope I will get support and advice in here because I really need it. I'm with my boyfriend since one year now and we have a great chemistry and he is really adorable. He was clear about our situation from the first day, he doesn't want to get married, I was OK with it as I was not thinking about marriage. However my feelings changed during this year I love him too much and can't be a part from him, I asked him again about our situation and he replyed the same, he is not ready for marriage. Its killing me I want a long term commitment with him, I want to share life with him and have his kids, Is it too much to ask? we are not living together as I dont see a point of living with him if he has no intention of living with me forever. a week ago I told him that I cant go on with this and want to move on, after three days he came back crying that he cant live without me and he begged me to go back, he suggested that we get engagged, but again he is not sure of getting married, he just wants enggagement. I feel he is doing it just because I wanted it not because he wants to be with me. I dont want force him in this, at the same time i'm 33 yrs old and want to be married to the person I love. I realy want advice, shell I leave and move on and may be i get some one who really wants to be with me or just wait around till he makes up his mind about marrying me or not??!!! Whatever was stated from day 1 doesn't matter anymore. You are allowed to change your mind. This is America It's your heart and if you want marriage and it is important to you then you should not settle for less. If he doesn't then perhaps it is time to move on. There are a lot of men out there who want marriage and family. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 An "engagement" to this guy is a joke and an insult. It's something to get you to shut up for awhile. An engagement is when couples take active steps to be married, like planning a wedding. That ain't happening here. What he wants is for you to see it like he's giving you his class ring, calling you his girl and going steady. If that's enough for you, then fine, but it does not mean that marriage is around the corner. Let it go on long enough, and enough resentment will build and the relationship will crash and burn anyway. Are you two living together? If that's the case, the first step to anything here is to move out. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? He may change his mind then, but you'd be taking your chances. If it worked out, great. If not, then you're on your way to finding someone else who wants what you want. I personally think you should move on, especially if you want children. He told you in the very beginning that he wasn't interested in marriage. You went into the relationship knowing you eventually wanted marriage to someone. Just because you've decided that you want marriage with THIS guy doesn't mean that he should change his belief. Don't expect him to change his mind because you have changed yours. Link to post Share on other sites
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