Why am I not healing??

[D-Lish]

D, this breakup basically exposed all of your biggest fears. While that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less, I think you should take some comfort in the fact that the way you are feeling has less to do with him, and how you are able to cope with your pain.

 

I think I am a lot like you. We both are strong women, but also, deep down, lack real self-confidence and self-worth in some areas (see: our love lives). I sometimes look at my girlfriends who have gone through HORRIBLE breakups, and wonder how they are able to pick up and move on much more quickly than I can. I think it comes down to believing that you are worth so much more than what a man thinks of you.

 

It's coming up on a year of my breakup... a YEAR! And to be honest, I am still hurt over it. I haven't quite completely moved on, but I have made the distinction that it isn't *him* I am pining over, I'm stuck on how horrible he made me feel at the end of our relationship. How I felt discarded and abandoned. I can't get over how painful it was. How he said he wanted to be with me forever, and then basically disappear and jumped straight into another relationship (who he is still with).

 

So, I don't have the answers, but I can say to focus on the positive. Whenever I feel pain or unlovable or damaged or any of those silly thoughts, I think about the people in my life that DO love me and treat me with respect and kindness. I guess it's part of my competitive and stubborn nature, but I refuse to let ONE person get me down (even if he does sometimes).

 

You're awesome. Believe it!

 

I know we are a lot alike- especially when it comes to men and relationships.

 

I'm sure my ex moved on as quickly as your guy did- that's why I am happy having no contact because I couldn't handle knowing that:(

 

I'm really hoping my new medication will help me to stop ruminating.

He's still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about as I fall asleep. I still have my moments during the day when It's so hard to control the tears...

 

Unfortunately, my new meds have made my anxiety even worse!! Apparantly this is common and just something I have to push through. They say 6 weeks it will start to kick in.

 

I want to beat the depression and anxiety- and I think once I start to feel better, that I'll be able to stop all this self blame- that's the toughest part of all this, the self blaming.

[threebyfate]

I'll be able to stop all this self blame- that's the toughest part of all this, the self blaming.

As a thought which might be way off, do you cycle back to the point where you actually had what you perceived as control over the make or break points in this relationship?

 

Are you cycling back because these points are control points?

[D-Lish]

As a thought which might be way off, do you cycle back to the point where you actually had what you perceived as control over the make or break points in this relationship?

 

Are you cycling back because these points are control points?

 

Do you mean, do I go back and think about situations where something I did that might have pushed him away, and regret that I didn't make a different choice? "maybe if I hadn't of acted this way that certain time, he wouldn't have left?" Is that what you mean?

[threebyfate]

Do you mean, do I go back and think about situations where something I did that might have pushed him away, and regret that I didn't make a different choice? "maybe if I hadn't of acted this way that certain time, he wouldn't have left?" Is that what you mean?

Yes.

(ten ch. limit)

[D-Lish]

Yes.

(ten ch. limit)

 

Yes, that's what I do- often.

I go back to every single event that might have contributed to the break up and obsess over why I didn't do something differently.

 

It's always about seeking ways to blame myself- and in essence punish myself.

[threebyfate]

Yes, that's what I do- often.

I go back to every single event that might have contributed to the break up and obsess over why I didn't do something differently.

 

It's always about seeking ways to blame myself- and in essence punish myself.

Switch gears for a second. When you have these moments, before you go too far into them, have you tried applying the question "why is this control so important to me?".

 

You know he's a weak individual. You know that sooner or later, more stuff would happen that would shake your faith in him. You know he runs away from responsibility. You know he has issues with intimacy.

 

So why is the control so important to you?

[D-Lish]

Switch gears for a second. When you have these moments, before you go too far into them, have you tried applying the question "why is this control so important to me?".

 

You know he's a weak individual. You know that sooner or later, more stuff would happen that would shake your faith in him. You know he runs away from responsibility. You know he has issues with intimacy.

 

So why is the control so important to you?

 

Yes, I know all of that logically- and still recognize that the relationship was toxic. Rejection also plays a large part in this as well.

 

It shouldn't be important to me, but it still takes over sometimes.

 

I don't know why I'm not able to focus more of my energy on the negative things about him- maybe try and get some anger started. I haven't even felt any anger towards him- even though what he did was pretty crappy.

[threebyfate]

Yes, I know all of that logically- and still recognize that the relationship was toxic. Rejection also plays a large part in this as well.

 

It shouldn't be important to me, but it still takes over sometimes.

 

I don't know why I'm not able to focus more of my energy on the negative things about him- maybe try and get some anger started. I haven't even felt any anger towards him- even though what he did was pretty crappy.

No, not anger. Not your style. Just the simple question with simple logic before the cycling goes any further.

 

Why is the control so important to me?

 

As far as the rejection factor, that's part and parcel of the answer to the question.

[D-Lish]

No, not anger. Not your style. Just the simple question with simple logic before the cycling goes any further.

 

Why is the control so important to me?

 

As far as the rejection factor, that's part and parcel of the answer to the question.

 

Yep, it's the essential component, that's for sure.

I don't know why I give rejection so much power over my life.

I can see myself going back into my cave and stay single again for another six years- that's how much it has over me.

[threebyfate]

Yep, it's the essential component, that's for sure.

I don't know why I give rejection so much power over my life.

I can see myself going back into my cave and stay single again for another six years- that's how much it has over me.

No one enjoys rejection or is even casual about it, so you're so, so not alone.

 

But there's a line in the sand about how far to allow it to dominate your life.

 

You're incredibly lovable. Really. Don't know too many people who can match what you have to offer on so many fronts. But like the rest of us, you're also not perfect. And that's perfectly okay. Being perfect doesn't make anyone more or less lovable.

 

((hugs))

[pandagirl]

I know we are a lot alike- especially when it comes to men and relationships.

 

I'm sure my ex moved on as quickly as your guy did- that's why I am happy having no contact because I couldn't handle knowing that:(

 

I'm really hoping my new medication will help me to stop ruminating.

He's still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about as I fall asleep. I still have my moments during the day when It's so hard to control the tears...

 

Unfortunately, my new meds have made my anxiety even worse!! Apparantly this is common and just something I have to push through. They say 6 weeks it will start to kick in.

 

I want to beat the depression and anxiety- and I think once I start to feel better, that I'll be able to stop all this self blame- that's the toughest part of all this, the self blaming.

 

Yep, it's the essential component, that's for sure.

I don't know why I give rejection so much power over my life.

I can see myself going back into my cave and stay single again for another six years- that's how much it has over me.

 

Yes! I do think once the meds start working, you are going to find you'll be able to control your thoughts a lot easier. You won't have that "black hole" feeling of uncontrollably spiraling into a negative space.

 

But is it rejection from all things in life? Or just men?

[2sunny]

I developed a dependance on alcohol after my business started failing 4 years ago- I was in my early 30's and never drank much at all....Until I hit a crisis and found myself being unable to sleep- so I drank to sleep....

 

My anxiety was huge- so I drank to minimize the impact - and it just got out of control.

 

I actually had treatment for it- and recovered.

 

I regressed tonight.

You're right- why would I give this person any energy, he doesn't deserve it.

 

Art is going to be so disappointed with me.

 

there's no need to worry about what anyone else thinks of you. start telling yourself positive affirmations DL! there's many wonderful things about you.

 

i know my anxiety and depression was EXTREMELY high when i was drinking.

 

i haven't had a drink in 3-1/2 years - and guess what? i also haven't been anxious or depressed for a long while. if i even get remotely depressed - i get busy doing for others... that helps me to NOT think of myself so much.

 

it's tough to feel sorry for yourself when you're helping someone who needs you, who may be less fortunate than yourself.

 

i think very little of myself when helping others - and i like it that way.

 

see if it works for you... even random acts of kindness are amazing for an energy boost!

[betterdeal]

You think too much. Get into meditation or tai chi or yoga and give your brain a break already.

[D-Lish]

there's no need to worry about what anyone else thinks of you. start telling yourself positive affirmations DL! there's many wonderful things about you.

 

i know my anxiety and depression was EXTREMELY high when i was drinking.

 

i haven't had a drink in 3-1/2 years - and guess what? i also haven't been anxious or depressed for a long while. if i even get remotely depressed - i get busy doing for others... that helps me to NOT think of myself so much.

 

it's tough to feel sorry for yourself when you're helping someone who needs you, who may be less fortunate than yourself.

 

i think very little of myself when helping others - and i like it that way.

 

see if it works for you... even random acts of kindness are amazing for an energy boost!

 

I did the opposite, and drank to calm the anxiety- but it made my depression worse (obviously).

 

Geez, the day after I fell off the wagon, did I ever pay for it. I'm back on meds- and between the wellbutrin and anti-anxiety- I was 10 times worse. Had to talk myself down from a panic attack (which I've only ever had ONCE in highschool after smoking pot for the first time:eek:).

 

Since then, I can actually feel myself beginning to feel a little better with the wellbutrin kicking in.

 

I do normally immerse myself in others to make myself feel better. I've got a project on the go with a young and naive friend that needs a whole lot of guidance- and I've always been the "go-to" girl in my group of friends when they need guidance or support. It's funny, I don't use them in the same capacity- I come here or talk to my therapist. IRL, some of my friends look at me sideways when I tell them I'm having a problem. They think I'm strong- I'm not, just strong for them, and it does make me feel better to help others.

 

I'm addicted to random acts of kindness- I think it's a great way to feel better.

[D-Lish]

Yes! I do think once the meds start working, you are going to find you'll be able to control your thoughts a lot easier. You won't have that "black hole" feeling of uncontrollably spiraling into a negative space.

 

But is it rejection from all things in life? Or just men?

 

Just men. I handle rejection in other ways differently, don't feel threatened by it. I work for a CRAZY owner, and one day she might be impressed by me, and the next she'll scream at me and tell I'm incompetent....Then talk to me the next day like she didn't scream at me the day before. If she fired me tomorrow- I wouldn't care, and wouldn't internalize it as rejection.

 

Professionally I'm okay- with friends I'm okay (I'll break thing off with a toxic friend without a second thought).

 

It's men, my romantic dealings that bring this out in me.

[D-Lish]

No one enjoys rejection or is even casual about it, so you're so, so not alone.

 

But there's a line in the sand about how far to allow it to dominate your life.

 

You're incredibly lovable. Really. Don't know too many people who can match what you have to offer on so many fronts. But like the rest of us, you're also not perfect. And that's perfectly okay. Being perfect doesn't make anyone more or less lovable.

 

((hugs))

 

Thanks TBF:love: I went to bed before I could answer.

 

I know I have lovable traits- and that little dark side as well. I'm generally way more of an angel than a devil... But I do have a bit of a devil in me.

 

I think my problem has been choosing men that aren't emotionally mature enough to accept that about me- or any woman (or person) for that matter.

 

I think the next time I meet a guy that tells me "every single one of his ex's was crazy"... I'm going to have to embrace that red flag and peace out immediately:D

[Kamille]

I think the next time I meet a guy that tells me "every single one of his ex's was crazy"... I'm going to have to embrace that red flag and peace out immediately:D

 

Your ex said that? That's the reddest of red flags. That's the first of all signs the speaker is incapable of taking responsibility for himself in any relationships.

 

You sound like you're in a better place this week D!

[D-Lish]

Your ex said that? That's the reddest of red flags. That's the first of all signs the speaker is incapable of taking responsibility for himself in any relationships.

 

You sound like you're in a better place this week D!

 

I knew that. I actually confronted him on it. On top of it to tell me I was "perfect" after 2 months together... I was bound to fail. The first time I did anything remotely "imperfect"- he started the slow processs of breaking things off with me.

 

I'm a bit better- good days and bad, today, just hanging in there, maybe tomorrow will be better. It's the depression that is making things hard at the moment.

[D-Lish]

I almost sent him a letter again- but I used reason to talk myself out of it.

I've had the same letter sitting in my drafts box for a few months, and I've changed it so many times.

 

I've been good with NC for over 4 months, I have to keep pushing through it.

 

He's a man that admitted he's never been in love and doesn't know what love is. Any letter I send him would be a waste of words.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I almost sent him a letter again- but I used reason to talk myself out of it.

I've had the same letter sitting in my drafts box for a few months, and I've changed it so many times.

 

I've been good with NC for over 4 months, I have to keep pushing through it.

 

He's a man that admitted he's never been in love and doesn't know what love is. Any letter I send him would be a waste of words.

 

 

What are/were your motives for changing the letter?

[D-Lish]

What are/were your motives for changing the letter?

 

I change it according to how I'm feeling on any particular day. Sometimes I'll include and "I miss you"... Then the next time I look at the letter and I'm feeling stronger, I'll take that out.

 

Maybe it's okay to be re-inventing my letter over and over... It helps to put things on paper. I should just never send it....

[Forever Learning]

People don't not heal... Unless they spend a lot of time picking at the wound. Even then they heal after a while, but the scar is a lot uglier.

 

You keep working it over in your mind, alternately absolving yourself and blaming yourself. And hurting yourself over and over. It isn't anything to do with him. You knew it wasn't going last anyway. you probably would have called it off yourself sooner or later.

 

This is about how hard it is to forgive yourself when even Mr. Not-so-right seemed to conclude your baggage was a lot to carry. Some people never forgive themselves.

 

You have figure out a plan to get through this without a nasty scar.

 

Amazing advice. It doesn't get more real than this.

[torn_curtain]

He's a man that admitted he's never been in love and doesn't know what love is. Any letter I send him would be a waste of words.

 

Wow the red flags keep popping up in retrospect. It's funny how you'll ignore these things and then come back to them later and shake your head.

[torn_curtain]

I change it according to how I'm feeling on any particular day. Sometimes I'll include and "I miss you"... Then the next time I look at the letter and I'm feeling stronger, I'll take that out.

 

Maybe it's okay to be re-inventing my letter over and over... It helps to put things on paper. I should just never send it....

 

Don't. I'm glad you've stayed strong. I have fantasized on and off about writing at letter to one of my exes who broke my heart but I've always squashed the thought because somehow the time I've held off is proof to me that I am strong. I know that if I sent him a letter it would be going back to square one. It would also be unfair to the past me who managed to resist temptation so many times.

 

The fact of the matter is if you were in a healthy place you wouldn't be sending that letter. Let that be your judge.

[D-Lish]

Amazing advice. It doesn't get more real than this.

 

Jo has great advice- he's said the same thing over private e-mail, and he's right. I just need to somehow stop picking at that scab and let it heal.

 

Don't. I'm glad you've stayed strong. I have fantasized on and off about writing at letter to one of my exes who broke my heart but I've always squashed the thought because somehow the time I've held off is proof to me that I am strong. I know that if I sent him a letter it would be going back to square one. It would also be unfair to the past me who managed to resist temptation so many times.

 

The fact of the matter is if you were in a healthy place you wouldn't be sending that letter. Let that be your judge.

 

I think writing it is cool and helpful- sending it- isn't:cool:

That's what I'm going with...