Why am I not healing??

[D-Lish]

Having been married for a decade after a few decades of being single (and often celibate), IMO, at least for this man, there's a large difference psychologically between solo masturbation and 'making love' with one's spouse or partner. Sure, masturbation is sexual release but IME there's something deeper which isn't satisfied by the act and definitely was while married. I would opine there was even a marked difference between LTR sex and married sex. 'Abnormal'? Well, maybe so. My exW thought so. Anyway, I've noted it since D'ing so figured adding it to the list. I can also share that orgasms were a lot tougher to achieve when I was taking Seroquel to knock down anxiety and insomnia. Watch out for that nuance with Wellbutrin.

 

Wellbutrin is rx'd as a smoking cessation med, so that doesn't surprise me. Be mindful of the warning from NIH on this med and monitor as appropriate.

 

Yes, I knew that about seroquel - I took it for a short period of time. Knocked me on my effing azz! It was the best sleep med I've ever taken though- the problem was I would sleep right through my alarm and then feel so groggy all day that I had to stop taking it.

 

I knew about wellbutrin as a smoking cessation med as well- and if it helps my mood and helps me to quit smoking- all the better for me.

 

Yes, sex with another person is better than the solo-stuff. I miss it:(

 

See Carhill- because I have anxiety, I looked at your link regarding the warning and got anxious about opening it...

[patagonia]

Having been married for a decade after a few decades of being single (and often celibate), IMO, at least for this man, there's a large difference psychologically between solo masturbation and 'making love' with one's spouse or partner. Sure, masturbation is sexual release but IME there's something deeper which isn't satisfied by the act and definitely was while married. I would opine there was even a marked difference between LTR sex and married sex. 'Abnormal'? Well, maybe so. My exW thought so. Anyway, I've noted it since D'ing so figured adding it to the list. I can also share that orgasms were a lot tougher to achieve when I was taking Seroquel to knock down anxiety and insomnia. Watch out for that nuance with Wellbutrin.

 

Wellbutrin is rx'd as a smoking cessation med, so that doesn't surprise me. Be mindful of the warning from NIH on this med and monitor as appropriate.

 

We become 'one' with our partner. Not that I have anything to compare it to as my ex-wife was the only woman I have ever made love to, but the emotional and physical connection that was made during sex or love making is unlike anything I have ever felt in my life.

[pandagirl]

hey, D! I was on wellbutrin for a bit, but I had to stop because it made me feel SO NUTS. Like on speed. It's actually supposed to help ADHD, so that's why it's probably making you feel so anxious.

[D-Lish]

We become 'one' with our partner. Not that I have anything to compare it to as my ex-wife was the only woman I have ever made love to, but the emotional and physical connection that was made during sex or love making is unlike anything I have ever felt in my life.

 

I never felt that kind of connection with my recent ex. I think because his intimacy issues were so severe that there was such a lack of passion involved.

[patagonia]

I never felt that kind of connection with my recent ex. I think because his intimacy issues were so severe that there was such a lack of passion involved.

 

Well them just put that on your list of 'why my ex wasn't good enough'.

 

There is someone out there for u who you will connect with sexually in such a deep spiritual emotional connection you wont believe it when it happens

[D-Lish]

hey, D! I was on wellbutrin for a bit, but I had to stop because it made me feel SO NUTS. Like on speed. It's actually supposed to help ADHD, so that's why it's probably making you feel so anxious.

 

How long did you take it for? It helped me before with my depression and anxiety (I also take Clonozepam). The Pharmacist said I'd experience the jitters for a time before settling into it. I've lost even more weight though- I have zero appetite on this drug. I know they use Wellbutrin for a variety of issues. I've tried so many meds over the years and when I took this cocktail before, it worked for me.

[D-Lish]

Well them just put that on your list of 'why my ex wasn't good enough'.

 

There is someone out there for u who you will connect with sexually in such a deep spiritual emotional connection you wont believe it when it happens

 

I've had it before- with my ex Husband, and it was great. I knew there was something wrong with my ex- some sort of sexual issues.

 

It's funny, I usually feel better after chatting things out here on LS and go to bed feeling a little better- but THE MORNING starts the process all over again. Driving to and from work are still really horrible times because unfortunately I often have to pass his exit on the highway- so I'm constantly thinking of him when in the car.

 

It helps to keep chatting about it though. LS really has been my only outlet in dealing with the pregnancy, MC and break up. Only a handful of people know about the whole situation and I feel like I am burdenin them by talking about it.

[patagonia]

I've had it before- with my ex Husband, and it was great. I knew there was something wrong with my ex- some sort of sexual issues.

 

It's funny, I usually feel better after chatting things out here on LS and go to bed feeling a little better- but THE MORNING starts the process all over again. Driving to and from work are still really horrible times because unfortunately I often have to pass his exit on the highway- so I'm constantly thinking of him when in the car.

 

It helps to keep chatting about it though. LS really has been my only outlet in dealing with the pregnancy, MC and break up. Only a handful of people know about the whole situation and I feel like I am burdenin them by talking about it.

 

Not to make u feel any better but heck I'm only 28 and lived a great life. Yet I've been molested, raped and now divorced. I know people still have it worse than me. The trick is not holding onto the past and not blaming it on ourselves(I say that like it's easy) Not using that as a cop out but just realizing some things in life we can't control. The only thing we can control is how we deal with issues and how we move on. The only things we can change is ourselves and the outcome

 

Talking things out helps a lot and there is a big difference between venting and dumping. Venting lets other people hear u out, dumping makes others feel burdened by what you say. So vent away! I'd say you are well on your way to a brighter future!

 

On a more serious note...mornings are always hard for me, emotionally and physically

[D-Lish]

Not to make u feel any better but heck I'm only 28 and lived a great life. Yet I've been molested, raped and now divorced. I know people still have it worse than me. The trick is not holding onto the past and not blaming it on ourselves(I say that like it's easy) Not using that as a cop out but just realizing some things in life we can't control. The only thing we can control is how we deal with issues and how we move on. The only things we can change is ourselves and the outcome

 

Talking things out helps a lot and there is a big difference between venting and dumping. Venting lets other people hear u out, dumping makes others feel burdened by what you say. So vent away! I'd say you are well on your way to a brighter future!

 

On a more serious note...mornings are always hard for me, emotionally and physically

 

I am careful not to dump on people, because I know how it makes me feel when people do it to me. When I am feeling good about myself, I rarely generate threads here- I'll spend more of my time trying to support others.

 

(Funny threads- yes... )

 

I envy you that you are doing so well after only 28 days.

[patagonia]

I am careful not to dump on people, because I know how it makes me feel when people do it to me. When I am feeling good about myself, I rarely generate threads here- I'll spend more of my time trying to support others.

 

(Funny threads- yes... )

 

I envy you that you are doing so well after only 28 days.

 

I would envy myself too if i was doing 'so well' after 28 days

[carhill]

D, in no way do I want to cause you anxiety. I know only too well what that's like. Pretty soon you're sitting in the field with a Beretta and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I had to process a lot of this when dealing with the complex cocktails we were medicating my mom with. Klonopin (clonazepam) is a benzodiazepine. IME, it was more efficacious (not as strong) in our program than Ativan but had similar withdrawal and dependency issues. It hit fast and knocked down anxiety but the other end saw, even with a very graduated reverse titration, marked aggression and anxiety. If my experience is any guide, do not stop the med without consulting your doctor and/or pharmacist first.

 

Remember, knowledge is power. Your brain is an electro-chemical machine. You're just modifying some of the stuff that goes on chemically. Your intellect can digest and utilize the information you learn. Your doctor is your ally. I would suggest taking a deep breath and, when you feel positive, read the warnings and side-effects so you don't miss anything potentially dangerous, then move on with life and let the meds do their job. After a couple of months, if things are still going sideways, baseline again (clear the meds) and try something else. I would strongly recommend, if possible, having a psychiatric MD on the team, especially if you are struggling.

 

Lastly, de-stress. I recall you mentioning something about 24/7 on-call with work. End that, if at all possible. Take a pay hit if necessary. Do disability. Whatever you need to do to regain health. Push back from the drama-vortex young female friend you posted about. Focus on good supportive friends with whom you can relax and forget about anxieties and your exBF.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. When I was cleaning the Beretta I didn't think so, but I was wrong. It'll work out. It might not happen overnight but one morning after going to bed feeling good, you'll wake up feeling good and the memory of all this will be behind you. It will.

[D-Lish]

D, in no way do I want to cause you anxiety. I know only too well what that's like. Pretty soon you're sitting in the field with a Beretta and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I had to process a lot of this when dealing with the complex cocktails we were medicating my mom with. Klonopin (clonazepam) is a benzodiazepine. IME, it was more efficacious (not as strong) in our program than Ativan but had similar withdrawal and dependency issues. It hit fast and knocked down anxiety but the other end saw, even with a very graduated reverse titration, marked aggression and anxiety. If my experience is any guide, do not stop the med without consulting your doctor and/or pharmacist first.

 

Remember, knowledge is power. Your brain is an electro-chemical machine. You're just modifying some of the stuff that goes on chemically. Your intellect can digest and utilize the information you learn. Your doctor is your ally. I would suggest taking a deep breath and, when you feel positive, read the warnings and side-effects so you don't miss anything potentially dangerous, then move on with life and let the meds do their job. After a couple of months, if things are still going sideways, baseline again (clear the meds) and try something else. I would strongly recommend, if possible, having a psychiatric MD on the team, especially if you are struggling.

 

Lastly, de-stress. I recall you mentioning something about 24/7 on-call with work. End that, if at all possible. Take a pay hit if necessary. Do disability. Whatever you need to do to regain health. Push back from the drama-vortex young female friend you posted about. Focus on good supportive friends with whom you can relax and forget about anxieties and your exBF.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. When I was cleaning the Beretta I didn't think so, but I was wrong. It'll work out. It might not happen overnight but one morning after going to bed feeling good, you'll wake up feeling good and the memory of all this will be behind you. It will.

 

My dad is Doc- I bounce most of my decisions against him and his knowledge. And you're right, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

 

He says the same things you just did.

I consider my father to be incredibly wise- you measure up:cool:

[snug.bunny]

D-Lish, I have had bouts of anxiety. My mind tends to ruminate on various thoughts (like a hamster in a wheel). What I have found works well, is to focus on ONE particular item (say, pleasant thoughts of my dog or, being on a beach somewhere) and just concentrate on that ONE thought alone.

 

Practice inserting those pleasant thoughts and focusing solely on that isolated thought, every time a "negative" thought pops up in your head.

 

Thoughts of your ex, only allow yourself 5 minutes of that thought, at a set time each day. After those 5 minutes, replace it with the pleasant thoughts, and practice doing that each day.

 

You have to think of your brain as a muscle, and train it to behave a certain way. It's challenging, but worthwhile.

[patagonia]

D-lish, how did this morning go? Let us know! Hope you had a good day!

[D-Lish]

D-Lish, I have had bouts of anxiety. My mind tends to ruminate on various thoughts (like a hamster in a wheel). What I have found works well, is to focus on ONE particular item (say, pleasant thoughts of my dog or, being on a beach somewhere) and just concentrate on that ONE thought alone.

 

Practice inserting those pleasant thoughts and focusing solely on that isolated thought, every time a "negative" thought pops up in your head.

 

Thoughts of your ex, only allow yourself 5 minutes of that thought, at a set time each day. After those 5 minutes, replace it with the pleasant thoughts, and practice doing that each day.

 

You have to think of your brain as a muscle, and train it to behave a certain way. It's challenging, but worthwhile.

 

I try that, and practice deep breathing techniques as well.

 

I "worry" about anything and everything. For instance- I'll be at work all day and think my dogs have gotten into something and have both died... So all day, I'm ruminating that I'm going to go home and find them dead. It's insane- but I've always been that way.

 

I remember when my meds kicked in the last time I woke up one day without those horrible panicked butterflies in my tummy and no worrying... It was the best day of my life.

 

D-lish, how did this morning go? Let us know! Hope you had a good day!

 

Not any better or worse than the day before- but def better than 3 months ago. I guess that's something to take into account, that some healing has happened, even if it doesn't feel that way.

 

I didn't cry today- so that's progress:laugh:

 

What about you?

[D-Lish]

D, in no way do I want to cause you anxiety. I know only too well what that's like. Pretty soon you're sitting in the field with a Beretta and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I had to process a lot of this when dealing with the complex cocktails we were medicating my mom with. Klonopin (clonazepam) is a benzodiazepine. IME, it was more efficacious (not as strong) in our program than Ativan but had similar withdrawal and dependency issues. It hit fast and knocked down anxiety but the other end saw, even with a very graduated reverse titration, marked aggression and anxiety. If my experience is any guide, do not stop the med without consulting your doctor and/or pharmacist first.

 

Remember, knowledge is power. Your brain is an electro-chemical machine. You're just modifying some of the stuff that goes on chemically. Your intellect can digest and utilize the information you learn. Your doctor is your ally. I would suggest taking a deep breath and, when you feel positive, read the warnings and side-effects so you don't miss anything potentially dangerous, then move on with life and let the meds do their job. After a couple of months, if things are still going sideways, baseline again (clear the meds) and try something else. I would strongly recommend, if possible, having a psychiatric MD on the team, especially if you are struggling.

 

Lastly, de-stress. I recall you mentioning something about 24/7 on-call with work. End that, if at all possible. Take a pay hit if necessary. Do disability. Whatever you need to do to regain health. Push back from the drama-vortex young female friend you posted about. Focus on good supportive friends with whom you can relax and forget about anxieties and your exBF.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. When I was cleaning the Beretta I didn't think so, but I was wrong. It'll work out. It might not happen overnight but one morning after going to bed feeling good, you'll wake up feeling good and the memory of all this will be behind you. It will.

 

I also meant to tell you that I know you didn't mean to cause me any anxiety- I was trying to be a little "funny" illustrating that researching anxiety drugs gave me anxiety, lol.

 

I know about the Clonozopam and the dependancy issue. I don't use it much- I primarily use the wellbutrin. My Doc discussed this with me as well- weaning me off after a few months, which I'll readily go along with after I get over this hump. There are some days I don't even take it- only when my anxiety is really bad.

 

Two of my close gf's think my ex was gay- sometimes that helps me to think that way as silly as it sounds.

[Duckduckgoose]

Two of my close gf's think my ex was gay- sometimes that helps me to think that way as silly as it sounds.

 

Hehe... I am gonna put my 2 cents on this one. I have a gay friend and him and his buddies will check a guy out (pics or IRL) and tell you whether they're gay or not.

 

I don't know if other gay men do this, but it might be worth finding out

[D-Lish]

Hehe... I am gonna put my 2 cents on this one. I have a gay friend and him and his buddies will check a guy out (pics or IRL) and tell you whether they're gay or not.

 

I don't know if other gay men do this, but it might be worth finding out

 

I honestly had tiny suspicions myself. He also told me that his ex gf and her family thought he was gay.

[betterdeal]

I don't buy that gay theory, principally because so many women come up with it after a difficult relationship with a man. I also worked with a gay guy who reckoned about 70% of the men on the gay scene weren't really gay but were actually men who'd had a traumatic experience with a woman, and I'm inclined to believe him.

[D-Lish]

I don't buy that gay theory, principally because so many women come up with it after a difficult relationship with a man. I also worked with a gay guy who reckoned about 70% of the men on the gay scene weren't really gay but were actually men who'd had a traumatic experience with a woman, and I'm inclined to believe him.

 

My gay wedding planner swore to me up and down that my then fiance' was gay, lol. Couldn't have been further from the truth.

 

You're right, so many women do come up with this after a relationship ends- it's not uncommon. Both of my close gf's told me they thought so while I was still with him- and, well, there were some major sexual indications that something was "off". It could have been that- or it could have been an intimacy thing, who knows.

 

Sometimes we have to tell ourselves things like this because it assists in helping us to stop focusing the blame on ourselves.

[betterdeal]

It does and, even if it's wholly inaccurate and possibly compounds whatever doubts and fears are behind his neurosis, it's sort of true in the not-really-gay-but-acting-it way, and that's probably more to do with living in a post-War, post-feminist, individual-triumphs-all, Internet-led world in which gender roles are either massively blurred or hugely polarised depending on where you look, than you personally.

 

It's a much bigger issue than just you.

 

Leave blame behind.

 

Funnily enough, I caught up with an old friend who's just recently got out of a short relationship with an Italian psychiatrist. She was trying out the gay theory, but I think we agreed what it really came down to having quite a small penis. It's a significant issue for us boys. Women now joke about penis size like men used to joke about vagina size in the 80s, and thanks to the Internet, there's endless hours of porn featuring big penises compounding men's fears about this.

 

He wanted to cum in her face, belittle her, anal &c. just anything but the real thing. It's your common or garden performance anxiety that drives that, coupled with Internet porn giving him something to avoid facing that fear.

 

He started making normative statements about her drinking, expressiveness &c. when she called it off - typical transference - despite it being that she has two children, has had long term relationships and has a good platonic relationship & shared custody with the father of her children, whilst he has never made it out of the 2 month honeymoon period, and was introducing her to his mother within weeks of meeting up.

Edited August 5, 2011 by betterdeal

[patagonia]

Not any better or worse than the day before- but def better than 3 months ago. I guess that's something to take into account, that some healing has happened, even if it doesn't feel that way.

 

I didn't cry today- so that's progress:laugh:

 

What about you?

 

Healing is definitely taking place! It just takes time sometimes to actually notice. You will look back and think hoooly cow look where I am!

 

Heck ya that's awesome! No crying is so great isn't it? You start to think, OMG am I getting better! hahaha

 

My day was good thank you..I think I shed a few tears but it wasn't anything to write home about I'm over dat woman

[D-Lish]

Healing is definitely taking place! It just takes time sometimes to actually notice. You will look back and think hoooly cow look where I am!

 

Heck ya that's awesome! No crying is so great isn't it? You start to think, OMG am I getting better! hahaha

 

My day was good thank you..I think I shed a few tears but it wasn't anything to write home about I'm over dat woman

 

You're not over that woman- don't try and fool us.

 

I actually didn't shed any tears today- the first day in a long time.

I'm usually very teary eyed EVERY morning on the way to work. It has actually started to make me angry at myself- that after 4.5 months I'm crying in the car every morning. Thank god for sunglasses and waterproof mascara.

 

I had a different route this morning- so maybe that helped- not dreading driving past his exit and being able to see his condo building from the highway. I'm back to having to drive past it again tomorrow.

 

The worst thing for me is that we share the same highway routes - and I've actually seen him on the highway twice (while we were dating). I see HIS freaking car everywhere. It hasn't been him- but his car is such a common car and colour, so I see "his car" all the time.

 

I stepped on the scale today and I need to do something about my weight loss. I'm just above 110lbs at 5'7", It is partially due to my new meds, but heartbreak always affects my appetite as well. I was at one of my stores today and the girls were asking me about picking me up some lunch- and it occurred to me I probably haven't eaten much of anything in a few days- and I have no desire to. I'm getting the "you're too skinny comments" from friends, family and co-workers... Not Good.

 

You know, I'd really love to find that sort of companionship again, experience that bliss that had eluded me for so long before meeting him- but I am so skeptical with regards to finding someone I feel attraction towards.

 

6 YEARS between my last serious ex and feeling a spark for this guy. I'm not looking forward to being single for abother 6 years.

 

I see it happening though- I rarely meet men that inspire a spark in me.

[Zaphod B]

I think the anger phase is the last step towards healing. I found this to be the case when I lost my faith. Fortunately for me, the anger phase was a short one and then came peace.

 

I seem to linger a long time on the grief stage. With my ex I'm trying to make myself move onto that anger phase, but it's tricky. Got my list of stuff, which I keep adding too, but even yesterday I fell back slightly, thinking if she came back to me I'd still welcome her back with open arms. But I had to be tough on myself and keep reminding myself of the negative things about her, the things that would get me to the point where I can be pissed off with her and finally move on.

 

Speaking of routes to work, there is this tyre selling place I always see when I drive to work and I always think of her because of it. The reason being is that one of her friends works there and she once told me some stories that her friend told her about one of the women working there. It's really annoying, because I just want to drive past that place without thinking about her. It's getting gradually easier, but still... The thing is if I take another route it will mean a lot more travel time and I really don't want that.

 

There are other places that are constant reminders too, like the cafes we visited together, the restaurants, even shops we went into. My idea is to go to those places with other dates just to create new memories. Kind of helps a bit, I think. I took one to one such restaurant and thought to myself, "holy ****... I think this is exactly the same table we sat at". But it was fine after that. There were some places where me and her sat on our first romantic walk together in the public gardens here and I've taken a couple of dates past those places. Every time I pause for a moment, with pain in my heart. But I figure the only way to make those places happy again is to create new happy memories in them.

 

Seen her again only once. About a month ago. Her cousin lives around the corner from me and she took me to see her once. So it's another one of those constant reminders, every time I walk past it. She was there once, on the door step and then making her way to the car. I just casually waved at her as I walked by and continjued to walk. Not sure if she saw me. Started to roll her car down the driveway, then suddenly halted, backed up and went back inside her cousin's place. Would have loved to have known if she'd seen me and what went through her mind and why she suddenly decided to go back in. lol.

Edited August 5, 2011 by Zaphod B

[patagonia]

You're not over that woman- don't try and fool us.

 

I actually didn't shed any tears today- the first day in a long time.

I'm usually very teary eyed EVERY morning on the way to work. It has actually started to make me angry at myself- that after 4.5 months I'm crying in the car every morning. Thank god for sunglasses and waterproof mascara.

 

I had a different route this morning- so maybe that helped- not dreading driving past his exit and being able to see his condo building from the highway. I'm back to having to drive past it again tomorrow.

 

The worst thing for me is that we share the same highway routes - and I've actually seen him on the highway twice (while we were dating). I see HIS freaking car everywhere. It hasn't been him- but his car is such a common car and colour, so I see "his car" all the time.

 

I stepped on the scale today and I need to do something about my weight loss. I'm just above 110lbs at 5'7", It is partially due to my new meds, but heartbreak always affects my appetite as well. I was at one of my stores today and the girls were asking me about picking me up some lunch- and it occurred to me I probably haven't eaten much of anything in a few days- and I have no desire to. I'm getting the "you're too skinny comments" from friends, family and co-workers... Not Good.

 

You know, I'd really love to find that sort of companionship again, experience that bliss that had eluded me for so long before meeting him- but I am so skeptical with regards to finding someone I feel attraction towards.

 

6 YEARS between my last serious ex and feeling a spark for this guy. I'm not looking forward to being single for abother 6 years.

 

I see it happening though- I rarely meet men that inspire a spark in me.

 

Oh ya D-lish. If she tried to come back I'd think about it no doubt but I'm over it. She's been dating this guy for 2 weeks and they are already saying "I love you" and she is already telling him that he is the best bf she has ever had...and we were married! So when I saw that, it helped me get over her real quick. Sure I miss her but I'm over it

 

You will find someone D no doubt about it. But for now you just focus on yourself, EAT and be merry. He will come around and be the most amazing, bestest person you've ever been around.