Why am I not healing??

[D-Lish]

Oh ya D-lish. If she tried to come back I'd think about it no doubt but I'm over it. She's been dating this guy for 2 weeks and they are already saying "I love you" and she is already telling him that he is the best bf she has ever had...and we were married! So when I saw that, it helped me get over her real quick. Sure I miss her but I'm over it

 

You will find someone D no doubt about it. But for now you just focus on yourself, EAT and be merry. He will come around and be the most amazing, bestest person you've ever been around.

 

Sounds like your ex just jumped into a rebound. It's a cowardly way out for a lot of people that can't face a)being alone b) face dealing with processing or dealing with pain.

 

When I think about what transpired with my ex, it was always a house of cards bound to fall. We met one another and connected so quickly with such electric chemistry- because of this, I think we both developed notions about who the other person was (or rather wanted them to be). I think people tend to do this in the honeymoon stage (pedestal).

 

As soon as a crisis arose- I expected him to be my white knight that was going to support me through my pain- and he expected me to handle the crisis as the same thoughtful, selfless, confident woman that he idealized from knowing me a couple of months. When we hit the crisis and found out that both of our notions regarding who we "thought" (wanted) one another to be wasn't a reality- the house began to fall. And it fell quickly.

 

I think we'd still be together today had I not gotten pregnant. However, I think that when any crisis arose- we both would have disappointed one another and parted ways eventually anyway.

[patagonia]

Sounds like your ex just jumped into a rebound. It's a cowardly way out for a lot of people that can't face a)being alone b) face dealing with processing or dealing with pain.

 

When I think about what transpired with my ex, it was always a house of cards bound to fall. We met one another and connected so quickly with such electric chemistry- because of this, I think we both developed notions about who the other person was (or rather wanted them to be). I think people tend to do this in the honeymoon stage (pedestal).

 

As soon as a crisis arose- I expected him to be my white knight that was going to support me through my pain- and he expected me to handle the crisis as the same thoughtful, selfless, confident woman that he idealized from knowing me a couple of months. When we hit the crisis and found out that both of our notions regarding who we "thought" (wanted) one another to be wasn't a reality- the house began to fall. And it fell quickly.

 

I think we'd still be together today had I not gotten pregnant. However, I think that when any crisis arose- we both would have disappointed one another and parted ways eventually anyway.

 

boing ))) boing ))) boing))) the sound of my ex in a rebound

 

I can relate to all of that. That sounded a lot like my relationship with my wife. For both of us, it was our first relationship. She swore up and down that I was perfect. Like you said, we put each other on a pedestal. She put me before God, she put me before family and all of her friends(not by my request). Every little thing I did wrong though was another strike against that. Every big thing I did wrong, was a huge strike. She expected me to be the perfect prince...and in a lot of ways I was but in a lot of ways I was not. Likewise I expected her to react and respond to things in a different manner than she did. Conflict, as small as they might have been, would create big problems and the insecurities she had, would only make things worse.

 

Looking at your old relationship, you guys still might be together if you hadn't gotten pregnant but that really isn't the right way to look at it.. like you said, a crisis would have arose and you would have split anyways. You would now just have a child to take care of(not that isn't a blessing) but you would have been stuck raising a child all by yourself, with all the hurt and pain carrying on still. Lots could have been different but I think you escaped future pains and problems.

 

You hit some great points for sure! What we think can be so completely different as to what is true and what is really before us. Good post.

 

Edit: I saw you were still smiling keep it up!

[D-Lish]

boing ))) boing ))) boing))) the sound of my ex in a rebound

 

I can relate to all of that. That sounded a lot like my relationship with my wife. For both of us, it was our first relationship. She swore up and down that I was perfect. Like you said, we put each other on a pedestal. She put me before God, she put me before family and all of her friends(not by my request). Every little thing I did wrong though was another strike against that. Every big thing I did wrong, was a huge strike. She expected me to be the perfect prince...and in a lot of ways I was but in a lot of ways I was not. Likewise I expected her to react and respond to things in a different manner than she did. Conflict, as small as they might have been, would create big problems and the insecurities she had, would only make things worse.

 

Looking at your old relationship, you guys still might be together if you hadn't gotten pregnant but that really isn't the right way to look at it.. like you said, a crisis would have arose and you would have split anyways. You would now just have a child to take care of(not that isn't a blessing) but you would have been stuck raising a child all by yourself, with all the hurt and pain carrying on still. Lots could have been different but I think you escaped future pains and problems.

 

You hit some great points for sure! What we think can be so completely different as to what is true and what is really before us. Good post.

 

Edit: I saw you were still smiling keep it up!

 

Yeah, I'm a little better today, how about you?

 

I'll tell you one thing, you REALLY get to know the staying power of your relationship when you hit a crisis.

 

For me? It was a FAIL.

[pandagirl]

Sounds like your ex just jumped into a rebound. It's a cowardly way out for a lot of people that can't face a)being alone b) face dealing with processing or dealing with pain.

 

When I think about what transpired with my ex, it was always a house of cards bound to fall. We met one another and connected so quickly with such electric chemistry- because of this, I think we both developed notions about who the other person was (or rather wanted them to be). I think people tend to do this in the honeymoon stage (pedestal).

 

As soon as a crisis arose- I expected him to be my white knight that was going to support me through my pain- and he expected me to handle the crisis as the same thoughtful, selfless, confident woman that he idealized from knowing me a couple of months. When we hit the crisis and found out that both of our notions regarding who we "thought" (wanted) one another to be wasn't a reality- the house began to fall. And it fell quickly.

 

I think we'd still be together today had I not gotten pregnant. However, I think that when any crisis arose- we both would have disappointed one another and parted ways eventually anyway.

 

Exactly. This is kind of what happened to me and my ex also. Things began very intensely. He always told me I was "perfect." He said I was the first women he'd ever been in love with. But when things got difficult, I showed my faults and warts, he expected me just to deal with it and get over it quickly. No good.

[torn_curtain]

Exactly. This is kind of what happened to me and my ex also. Things began very intensely. He always told me I was "perfect." He said I was the first women he'd ever been in love with. But when things got difficult, I showed my faults and warts, he expected me just to deal with it and get over it quickly. No good.

 

Same with my ex...!

 

Wow, is this a common behavioral pattern for men?

[patagonia]

Yeah, I'm a little better today, how about you?

 

I'll tell you one thing, you REALLY get to know the staying power of your relationship when you hit a crisis.

 

For me? It was a FAIL.

 

ya I'm pretty good thanks. I've been missing her of course, I felt like an idiot this morning for screwing things up...but overall, a great day

 

The funniest part of our relationship was the fact that the 'small' things ended up being the biggest and the biggest were some of the most over looked or smallest. I am talking about making a big deal over a dinner or a comment or a look and not making a big deal over communication or something like that LOL I will never understand it.

 

Obviously you know my outcome as well...FAIL and then life goes on!

 

We are ultimately better for it.

[patagonia]

Same with my ex...!

 

Wow, is this a common behavioral pattern for men?

 

I'm a man...I'd say that emotionally, I was the woman in the relationship though so....maybe it is a common behavioral pattern for 'men'

[pandagirl]

Same with my ex...!

 

Wow, is this a common behavioral pattern for men?

 

I don't think it's just men. I think it's people who aren't comfortable or able to deal with deep feeling or conflict -- they just want whatever is wrong to disappear or to just avoid the problem.

[betterdeal]

So next time you take those early declarations with a pinch of salt, and place more store in how you guys deal with real life.

[pandagirl]

So next time you take those early declarations with a pinch of salt, and place more store in how you guys deal with real life.

 

I can't speak for D, but I definitely took it with a grain of salt. I don't really believe in moving that fast in relationships... We did deal with a great many things together well, but I think in the end the LDR was really what did us in.

[D-Lish]

Exactly. This is kind of what happened to me and my ex also. Things began very intensely. He always told me I was "perfect." He said I was the first women he'd ever been in love with. But when things got difficult, I showed my faults and warts, he expected me just to deal with it and get over it quickly. No good.

 

Yep- same with my ex. I remember the night he told me "you're so perfect"... I tried to talk him out of believing that. A small part of me knew right then that I was going to fail him.

 

Same with my ex...!

 

Wow, is this a common behavioral pattern for men?

 

I've dated 2 men in my life that came on really strong, were addicted to the first 3 months, then got cold feet and went into withdrawl mode. I think it is common. CP's often demonstrate this behaviour.

 

I can't speak for D, but I definitely took it with a grain of salt. I don't really believe in moving that fast in relationships... We did deal with a great many things together well, but I think in the end the LDR was really what did us in.

 

I tried to slow things down as well because he really pushed for things to happen fast- but I just adored him at the time and got caught up in it.

 

One of the things that I find hard is remembering that guy that dragged a x-mas tree out of his parents tree and lighted it- he surprised me with it because I had told him that I'd always loved the ambiance an x-mas tree created. He hadn't had a tree up since he left home. When I pulled into the driveway and looked up into his condo and saw the lighted tree...It melted my heart because I knew he had done it for me- to make me happy. It's so hard to remember things like that and compare that memory to the ones of the last 6 weeks of our relationship.

[D-Lish]

I did send that email that's been in my drafts box today.

 

I don't exactly know if I regret it or not. I had a whole bunch of stuff to say that had been building. I didn't say anything sappy or ask for a second chance- it wasn't that kind of letter. I basically gave some explanations for things that I've really been wanting to say.

 

I don't want a response- I asked him not to respond. I think a response would actually set me back- not matter what it said.

[Art_Critic]

**hugz**.. and here's a Dove Dark for good measure...

 

Getting it off the chest is the best way sometimes...

[D-Lish]

**hugz**.. and here's a Dove Dark for good measure...

 

Getting it off the chest is the best way sometimes...

 

Yes, and I don't think I will regret it. There have been letters sent to ex's that I have- but not this one. It's been almost 5 months and I've been silent.

I wrote the letter knowing he won't respond and am 100% okay with that.

 

It's hard, I really do miss him. I'm on holidays next week and I am worried that I am going to relapse without having work to keep me occupied. Any spare moment I have is still wasted on thinking of him, and I hate that so much.

[patagonia]

Yes, and I don't think I will regret it. There have been letters sent to ex's that I have- but not this one. It's been almost 5 months and I've been silent.

I wrote the letter knowing he won't respond and am 100% okay with that.

 

It's hard, I really do miss him. I'm on holidays next week and I am worried that I am going to relapse without having work to keep me occupied. Any spare moment I have is still wasted on thinking of him, and I hate that so much.

 

c'mon D lets kick it. We can talk about all of our sappy nonsense together!

 

I don't know if you will regret it and I know you said 'do not respond'

 

Heck I sent an email to my ex on sunday because I was agonizing(yes I know I said I am over her) but that doesn't mean I still can't hurt. I told her not to respond and what does she do lol she responds!! I regretted ever sending that email and letting her know what I was feeling.

 

You will be alright, you are tougher than you think!

[Art_Critic]

I am worried that I am going to relapse without having work to keep me occupied.

 

Get on FB and start chatting with some friends.. or get on here or go over to your parents.. but don't sit there and mope..

[D-Lish]

c'mon D lets kick it. We can talk about all of our sappy nonsense together!

 

I don't know if you will regret it and I know you said 'do not respond'

 

Heck I sent an email to my ex on sunday because I was agonizing(yes I know I said I am over her) but that doesn't mean I still can't hurt. I told her not to respond and what does she do lol she responds!! I regretted ever sending that email and letting her know what I was feeling.

 

You will be alright, you are tougher than you think!

 

I won't send him another letter, I got everything off my chest and I've said everything I needed to say.

 

My ex really won't respond- he's not the kind of person that would have it in him to say anything, because he wouldn't know what to say.

 

I'd love to find someone I click with that is a good fit for me. My ex was a bad fit for me. I need a guy to tell me I am pissing him off when I do something he doesn't like, not hold it in and build resentment until he implodes. That's what bothered me about my ex, had he only told me what I was doing to piss him off- I'd have worked on it to make the relationship better.

[antinko]

I don't know. You tell a person not to do something and it's like Pandora's box...

[D-Lish]

Get on FB and start chatting with some friends.. or get on here or go over to your parents.. but don't sit there and mope..

 

I hate facebook!!!! And my parents are in Korea for 3 weeks.

 

I'll likely be here- and working on my resume so I can find a new job.

 

My job is a contributing factor to all of my anxiety and depression on top of the MC and break up. The only thing that is good about it is that it's so high stress, that I don't think about my ex at work because I'm too caught up in stress to have stray thoughts:(

 

I tend to be a bit of a loner- but I've made a few new friends since I moved and I think I'll make more of an effort to get out.

[D-Lish]

I can't stop wondering what goes through the head of a person that dumps someone so soon after going through something like a miscarriage with their partner. I would feel so terrible leaving someone in their time of need.... It wouldn't even occur to me to do it. I wonder if he even realizes what an azz-hole move that was, or even cares.

 

This isn't the first time I have heard a story like this.

 

Growing up a friend of my parents left his wife while she was in chemo for stage 4 breast cancer. Are there some men that just can't handle handle this stuff?

[antinko]

I've certainly found making an effort to get out and stepping outside my comfort zone helps a lot. I'm no way over my ex yet - thought I was further along, but not quite - but it definitely helps.

 

When I initially 'made' myself go out more, I felt a bit fake, as if I was just doing it to prove a point, possibly to my ex, but the more I did it, the more I enjoyed it and felt genuinely happy out and about, not thinking about 'her'.

[lymtal1]

The reality is he does not realize and does not care that he did it. i am sorry but i think that might be the truth. i have guy friends that are like that i i can't comprehend that type of lack of feeling. i have been keeping up with your situation and i am really sorry you were treated like that. you are better off you do know. there are many that won't be that way. the time will come be patient and work to get him out of your head. you don't want that type of "love".

[D-Lish]

I've certainly found making an effort to get out and stepping outside my comfort zone helps a lot. I'm no way over my ex yet - thought I was further along, but not quite - but it definitely helps.

 

When I initially 'made' myself go out more, I felt a bit fake, as if I was just doing it to prove a point, possibly to my ex, but the more I did it, the more I enjoyed it and felt genuinely happy out and about, not thinking about 'her'.

 

Fake it 'till you make it- I've used that in the past as well, and it does work. It's the motivation that is tough. When I come home from work I just want to unwind because the day has been so full of stress. But I am not meeting new people by doing this.

 

Out of my comfort zone is hopping on the street car:lmao: I've been in the big city for a while, and I've only used the subway 3 or 4 times and I either use my car or walk.

 

The reality is he does not realize and does not care that he did it. i am sorry but i think that might be the truth. i have guy friends that are like that i i can't comprehend that type of lack of feeling. i have been keeping up with your situation and i am really sorry you were treated like that. you are better off you do know. there are many that won't be that way. the time will come be patient and work to get him out of your head. you don't want that type of "love".

 

You don't have to be sorry. I tend to agree. Some people are just emotionally vacant. I know I am better off- I am going to have a great deal of difficulty learning to trust someone ever again though.

[lymtal1]

Ok so that is what i will be sorry about:). i hope you will be able to trust again as that is one of the most important things that can be gained in a relationship. and you know that there is someone out there that can be that person. they will just have to prove it to you over time. trust is gained not assumed. you will find that, trust me!

[fazz]

Hi D Lish,

 

I only read until page 7 and start to check your profile just to know your background, because I begin to think that probably your ex is the same guy as mine as they make us feel the same initially and I feel the same after break up because they are so comforting to be with....And yes they are weak people and unable to communicate and ... the reason for the break up is also the same that he was not there for me when I need him....I have been calling him a self centered guy...and basically all the details called in this thread is just like everybody was discussing about him !

 

Met him as a perfect guy after being single and celibate for 4 years, was like a fairy tale until broke up first time with him after 6 months of relationship and he hang out the ugliest girl on earth possible ( well what a weak person) and land on that ***** a month after our initial break up, and we get together again although I knew he did not deserve me 3 months after we broke up ( although I was highly disgusted by him) only because I was still heels over head with him and being together again since 1 Jan 2011 until 10 July 2011. I forced myself to leave him because although I was still heels over him.....he was also still love me as much as he can but he is too afraid to be vulnerable by communicating his feeling and thoughts, and yes he is a people pleaser too....and I don't see how this relationship could work with that kind of personality because I deserve better.

 

So I dragged myself out from it, and it was very hurtful, and I was depressed for 3 weeks until I saw a woman post something really friendly on his fb wall then I deleted him and it is so much easier for me to know that he is still that kind of ****** being so easy to ***** with anybody ( well its literally anybody, seeing from his past experience).

 

But yes I am still constantly thinking of him because he was special to me and the time we spent together was bliss, and although he was a weak and easy man, our relationship was serious as he introduced me to his fam ( and actually I was in love w his fam, they were great bunch of people and I really wanted to be part of them) and he got upset that I did not want to introduce him to mine ( Well how can I introduce a man with that attributes to my family...I can only introduce a man who is strong enough to always be there for me) .....And find more ugly truth about his past woman related history a week after I visited his fam and I broke up with him for the second time a 3 months after which is a month ago, and here I am now, a few days after deleting his FB and still trying to cope with not being with him .....

 

Based on my experience these kind of guy are called "NICE GUY SYNDROME" they are too weak to stand for themselves, agreeing strangers and too afraid to stand for theirs...so once we're in their team, they won't stand for us too like he wont stand for himselves...I often told him its more beneficial to be his friend than being his significant one because he does not treat me any better than them ( just because he is being "nice to everyone to the point of ppl using him).

 

I think I just want to share, because it makes me stronger to know that I am not alone with that experience with that kind of man. The memories kind of giving false delusion that actually it is a worthy love because its felt so strong, but the logic keeps telling me its not, but the heart is so strong that it keeps saying you'll eventually find a way out ...but reading things like this , then I understand that he is not special because it happens with other people too, I just need more encouragement to let my logic win this time and hope you do too with my case . Stay Strong and Chin Up , I am too eager to heal and find the one and being my happy self again

 

My technique now is to say "focusfocusfocusfocus" when my mind begin to wander about him again ( which is often because even the smallest thing like cooking certain dishes or when looking at a certain moves when someone drives his car reminds me of him) and it seems to be working well.......take care

Edited August 10, 2011 by fazz