Why am I not healing??

[calndn]

You don't have it in you to make people feel defensive, you're matter of fact with compassion- a very nice mix.

 

What can you do really- we just have to protect ourselves in the best way we can, and NOT accept breadcrumbs.

 

 

Well said. It is SO difficult to not accept breadcrumbs. I was given so many breadcrumbs and went running to him EVERY time. He made me think there was a chance of us getting back together when all along he knew there was no chance. He used to tell me we would end up together and that he loved me but just needed some single time. I eventually after a torrid time with him emotionally abusing me and verbally abusing me (it was honestly the worst treatment ive ever been subjected to) and this was from my first love the man I was meant to be moving in with only a few months before. I tried to overdose on painkillers I felt that low and that depressed. It was at that point (too late I say but in another way just in time) that I promised to stop accepting breadcrumbs. Would you believe even after he told me I was a disgrace and needed to sort my life out the next time he saw me after I tried to overdose (and told him about it - shameful and cringey) he spoke to me at length and then asked me over to his the next night, I cant deny some part of me was tempted but I didnt. And in the end that just gave me a boost that even after every stupid thing I did (caused by his vindictive behaviour) and every name he called me he would still have me round (albeit for sex) but still he could have got it off someone else and not a 'disgrace' of an ex...it always made me think actually no....YOURE the disgrace.

 

He now has a new gf, and that hurts but I just hope she sees his true colours long before the time it took me to.

 

Im still healing but im nearly there. I just feel so alone and unattractive because there is noone else and I just want someone xxx

[D-Lish]

Well said. It is SO difficult to not accept breadcrumbs. I was given so many breadcrumbs and went running to him EVERY time. He made me think there was a chance of us getting back together when all along he knew there was no chance. He used to tell me we would end up together and that he loved me but just needed some single time. I eventually after a torrid time with him emotionally abusing me and verbally abusing me (it was honestly the worst treatment ive ever been subjected to) and this was from my first love the man I was meant to be moving in with only a few months before. I tried to overdose on painkillers I felt that low and that depressed. It was at that point (too late I say but in another way just in time) that I promised to stop accepting breadcrumbs. Would you believe even after he told me I was a disgrace and needed to sort my life out the next time he saw me after I tried to overdose (and told him about it - shameful and cringey) he spoke to me at length and then asked me over to his the next night, I cant deny some part of me was tempted but I didnt. And in the end that just gave me a boost that even after every stupid thing I did (caused by his vindictive behaviour) and every name he called me he would still have me round (albeit for sex) but still he could have got it off someone else and not a 'disgrace' of an ex...it always made me think actually no....YOURE the disgrace.

 

He now has a new gf, and that hurts but I just hope she sees his true colours long before the time it took me to.

 

Im still healing but im nearly there. I just feel so alone and unattractive because there is noone else and I just want someone xxx

 

Wow, sorry you had to go through that. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with that guy.

 

I'd like someone in my life as well. Most of the time I believe I am destined to be alone.

 

It had been so long since I'd had a relationship and just having someone in my life that made me feel happy and good about myself for those first 3 months makes me miss companionship.

 

I used to enjoy being alone and entertaining myself to a greater degree. Now I really recognize how lonely I"ve become.

[torn_curtain]

D, about a month or two ago I was walking through the city and actually passed my ex-bf of a year ago on the street while he was clearly on a date with another girl. And I felt nothing. Nothing. This is a guy who I felt totally devastated about losing a year before. Now I'm actually grateful I lost him -- although I wish he broken up with me in a much nicer way -- because we were clearly incompatible. It took me about 3-4 months to get 95% over him and then probably another six months get over the remaining 5%. You'll get there too, and you'll actually look back and feel glad that you lost him. You're a wonderful, rich person (and I don't give compliments lightly). I'm certain you'll find somebody you love who can give you what you need.

Edited August 15, 2011 by torn_curtain

[D-Lish]

D, about a month or two ago I was walking through the city and actually passed my ex-bf of a year ago on the street while he was clearly on a date with another girl. And I felt nothing. Nothing. This is a guy who I felt totally devastated about losing a year before. Now I'm actually grateful I lost him -- although I wish he broken up with me in a much nicer way -- because we were clearly incompatible. It took me about 3-4 months to get 95% over him and then probably another six months get over the remaining 5%. You'll get there too, and you'll actually look back and feel glad that you lost him. You're a wonderful, rich person (and I don't give compliments lightly). I'm certain you'll find somebody you love who can give you what you need.

 

Thanks TC,

 

I have gotten to that point with other ex's, so I know it's just a waiting game. I also know logically that we weren't compatible and I'm better off. I don't know why I can't shake the rejection.

 

I was the one and only girl in his life that he broke up with- every other woman has left him (even though they cheated, abused him, etc...) I am having so much trouble knowing that. That he couldn't stick through a pregnancy with me but he'd put up with abuse and cheating. I can't help but believe about myself that something must be pretty bad about me. That's what I've been stuck on the past 5 months.

[Gold Pile]

It is better to spend some time alone than to be with someone who isn't right.

 

Why a wonderful dame like you is all worked up about Mr 5 months, is beyond me. Your complex mind (and knock out looks) are what make you so dang attractive.

 

So when you ponder things in this way, you are being you and that is a great thing to be.

 

Time will heal, you know that. GP is always available as your fantasy bedmate.

[D-Lish]

It is better to spend some time alone than to be with someone who isn't right.

 

Why a wonderful dame like you is all worked up about Mr 5 months, is beyond me. Your complex mind (and knock out looks) are what make you so dang attractive.

 

So when you ponder things in this way, you are being you and that is a great thing to be.

 

Time will heal, you know that. GP is always available as your fantasy bedmate.

 

But I am not a wonderful dame GP, I have my demons and I am not good in relationships. I've sabotaged every single relationship I've ever been in because of my fear of being abandoned.

 

I suck at relationships, and as soon as someone makes me feel vulnerable, I start the process of pushing them away.

 

I suck.

[patagonia]

But I am not a wonderful dame GP, I have my demons and I am not good in relationships. I've sabotaged every single relationship I've ever been in because of my fear of being abandoned.

 

I suck at relationships, and as soon as someone makes me feel vulnerable, I start the process of pushing them away.

 

I suck.

 

I don't know ya but I don't agree we are all learning in this process. Ya don't suck at em', it's just a process on the way to being perfect

[D-Lish]

I don't know ya but I don't agree we are all learning in this process. Ya don't suck at em', it's just a process on the way to being perfect

 

But I am 41- should have my sh*t together, know what I mean?

 

Almost 5 months later and I still cry all the time over this. I don't want to, but I'm teary eyed most of the time.

 

I want it to stop- so frustratrated.

[patagonia]

But I am 41- should have my sh*t together, know what I mean?

 

Almost 5 months later and I still cry all the time over this. I don't want to, but I'm teary eyed most of the time.

 

I want it to stop- so frustratrated.

 

I remember how old you, don't worry It isn't about age. Everyone is different. Brains and hearts are tender things. You will get through it! And having our sh*t together is relative isn't it??

[torn_curtain]

 

I was the one and only girl in his life that he broke up with- every other woman has left him (even though they cheated, abused him, etc...) I am having so much trouble knowing that. That he couldn't stick through a pregnancy with me but he'd put up with abuse and cheating. I can't help but believe about myself that something must be pretty bad about me. That's what I've been stuck on the past 5 months.

 

No no nooo, you're way off. But I can totally understand where you're coming from because I used to have the same thoughts. I was also the only girl my ex ever dumped, and the other girls he put up with sounded like horrendous bitches. Here's what I realized. A woman who treats a guy like this badly and keeps him at a distance isn't putting any "demands" on him. In fact by treating him badly, she's basically keeping him at a distance and he feels less responsibility to her. But a woman who treats him well for the most part and starts leaning on him for support is. Does that make sense? Guys of this type -- "nice" and spineless -- can't deal with responsibility. That's much worse to them than being mistreated or abused. They don't know how to deal with a woman who treats them well and has needs of her own because they're so used to getting rejected.

[calndn]

Wow, sorry you had to go through that. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with that guy.

 

I'd like someone in my life as well. Most of the time I believe I am destined to be alone.

 

It had been so long since I'd had a relationship and just having someone in my life that made me feel happy and good about myself for those first 3 months makes me miss companionship.

 

I used to enjoy being alone and entertaining myself to a greater degree. Now I really recognize how lonely I"ve become.

 

I believe I too am destined to be alone he was my first bf and it took me that long to find him that I'm worried there is no one else out there who would want to be with me. I've been on dates, none apart from one I've liked. The one I liked seems to have gone quiet on me, maybe I'm expecting too much! My ex for the honeymoon period of our relationship made me feel attractive and wanted he made me feel comfortable within myself (I am an attractive girl but I have no self esteem/confidence).

 

Him with a new girl is just weird and going away with her for a weekend makes me feel like crap. God knows why after what he did.

 

You say you have 100% got over past exes? I feel like im never going to able to walk past him when he's with someone else and not feel anything. It's all made worse by the fact he moved 200 miles to live in my town but now he's still here xxx

[patagonia]

I believe I too am destined to be alone he was my first bf and it took me that long to find him that I'm worried there is no one else out there who would want to be with me. I've been on dates, none apart from one I've liked. The one I liked seems to have gone quiet on me, maybe I'm expecting too much! My ex for the honeymoon period of our relationship made me feel attractive and wanted he made me feel comfortable within myself (I am an attractive girl but I have no self esteem/confidence).

 

Him with a new girl is just weird and going away with her for a weekend makes me feel like crap. God knows why after what he did.

 

You say you have 100% got over past exes? I feel like im never going to able to walk past him when he's with someone else and not feel anything. It's all made worse by the fact he moved 200 miles to live in my town but now he's still here xxx

 

how old are you again?

[D-Lish]

I remember how old you, don't worry It isn't about age. Everyone is different. Brains and hearts are tender things. You will get through it! And having our sh*t together is relative isn't it??

 

Well, yes, it's relative, and as usual, I appreciate everything everyone has to offer. I just want to be over this guy, a guy that doesn't deserve my energy. Yet, I cannot move on because I am so focused on being rejected- five months later I should have my crap together but I can't get over that he got to know me and said "NO WAY"...

[torn_curtain]

But I am not a wonderful dame GP, I have my demons and I am not good in relationships. I've sabotaged every single relationship I've ever been in because of my fear of being abandoned.

 

I suck at relationships, and as soon as someone makes me feel vulnerable, I start the process of pushing them away.

 

I suck.

 

Aww. Keep holding out for somebody who is STRONG + NURTURING, D. That's the type of guy you need. How do you think your people picker is aside from the fluke that was your ex? How picky are you and what do you look for when you first meet a guy?

[calndn]

how old are you again?

 

24 I know...plenty of time but it's just depressing when most of my friends are in relationships and some are married. And after what I've gone through I hope it doesn't affect the next relationship, if there ever is one! My friends tell me I've got so much to offer etc but it's like yeah I can hear what you've got to say but I'm still here with noone interested in me.

[patagonia]

24 I know...plenty of time but it's just depressing when most of my friends are in relationships and some are married. And after what I've gone through I hope it doesn't affect the next relationship, if there ever is one! My friends tell me I've got so much to offer etc but it's like yeah I can hear what you've got to say but I'm still here with noone interested in me.

 

You are talking perfectly for the 'coping' forum. In no time at all you will have picked yourself up and will not be coping anymore. In the mean time, cope and work on yourself. You will have your hard days and good days...it will come and so will the right person.

[calndn]

You are talking perfectly for the 'coping' forum. In no time at all you will have picked yourself up and will not be coping anymore. In the mean time, cope and work on yourself. You will have your hard days and good days...it will come and so will the right person.

 

 

I know what your saying, but its been 9 months now...well 5 months really since the whole headmessing that he put me through stopped. And ive come a long way but it feels like ill be stuck in the stage im at now forever. As for the right person...it doesnt feel like they will ever come along! I know there is no set 'time' to feel totally completely over someone, and although im over wanting him back and over the relationship im not over seeing/knowing hes with someone else. Will this honestly ever end? x

[D-Lish]

Aww. Keep holding out for somebody who is STRONG + NURTURING, D. That's the type of guy you need. How do you think your people picker is aside from the fluke that was your ex? How picky are you and what do you look for when you first meet a guy?

 

I think every guy I've chosen since my divorce has been emotionally unavailable/vacant/had intimacy issues. I saw the red flags with the other guys and chose to ignore them. I didn't see it coming wth this guy.

 

I guess I am picky. It's rare for me to find chemistry with a guy. Humour is usually the first thing I look for in a man- beyond that every single guy I've dated in the last 10 years has looked different and ran the spectrum in terms of personalities. It's physical attraction that is hard for me to find.

[Melrapuo]

Its not uncommon to have a hard time with healing. My ex and I dated for almost two years. The way she broke up with me was detrimental to my emotional health, to say the least. I was up walking around for two days straight, managed to lose 10 pounds in a week (!). It was a complete mess for me.

 

I'm dating someone else now, but I still think about my ex every now and then. Sometimes it feels like a hole that I haven't been able to fill. Sometimes I blame myself for the break up, even though I know she had plenty of faults too. Everyone told me to just cut it off, and after a couple weeks I started trying NC for real. Eventually it lead to me telling her I just couldn't speak with her anymore, that it was too much.

 

Its been 3 years since I last talked to her. We still live in the same time. She's dated a bunch of other people, I've been with one girl since (still with her). I've seen her a handful of times in public, but I've never said hi. I admit I still miss her. Why, I don't even know. I guess its just the idea that I had to cut off a part of my life that I didn't want to leave, but had to anyway. That didn't sit too well with me, but it never sits well with anyone lol. Things just change, and you gotta roll with it until you settle down again.

[alexa137]

d-lish:

I know the feeling, but as the days go by its get a little bit better, i was a wreck for almost 3w eeks, and ive noticed that if you keep busy you dont think of them as much, but of course i was bored today so i do the same, think of him while im trying to go to sleep and when im online, so i did good yesterday because i was out of town for the day, and ok today because i did errands, went to the gym and pool and took a walk and now watching a movie.

I decided last night to delete the fake account because it wasnt good for the healing process! that was a very good decision for me! i shouldnt really care what he is doing, which obviosuly isnt much if he is spending alot of time on dating sites! i dont even log into to see if he there as much as before! i used to check every 2-3 hrs to see if he was working or what! i looked today but only once, funny thing is he logs on 2 or 3 sites everyday so basically he might not have found another girl he wants to date! and im laughing! good!

it will get better, and im sure this is not your first breakup because im 40 and this is my 3rd breakup in 23 years,and you healed and got over the others and you will, girl if i can do it you can do it! have faith, im trying too! i feel for you!

[D-Lish]

d-lish:

I know the feeling, but as the days go by its get a little bit better, i was a wreck for almost 3w eeks, and ive noticed that if you keep busy you dont think of them as much, but of course i was bored today so i do the same, think of him while im trying to go to sleep and when im online, so i did good yesterday because i was out of town for the day, and ok today because i did errands, went to the gym and pool and took a walk and now watching a movie.

I decided last night to delete the fake account because it wasnt good for the healing process! that was a very good decision for me! i shouldnt really care what he is doing, which obviosuly isnt much if he is spending alot of time on dating sites! i dont even log into to see if he there as much as before! i used to check every 2-3 hrs to see if he was working or what! i looked today but only once, funny thing is he logs on 2 or 3 sites everyday so basically he might not have found another girl he wants to date! and im laughing! good!

it will get better, and im sure this is not your first breakup because im 40 and this is my 3rd breakup in 23 years,and you healed and got over the others and you will, girl if i can do it you can do it! have faith, im trying too! i feel for you!

 

I'm the same age. This was the first person since my divorce 9 years ago that I truly fell head over heels for. I've been rushing the timeline, I thought I was almost 5 months out, but it's really just past 4 months. I know I'll get over it one day, I just hate that he's on my mind ALL THE TIME still.

 

The image of his face seems like it's seared onto my brain.

 

I'd love to meet someone else, but I don't have luck meeting men in my industry (all female industry), and I'm not a bar person.

[alexa137]

i know the feeling, i think about my ex at least 5 times a day, alot of things remind me of him, dumb stuff too! like food or a tv show or a store! ugh~ its annoying! wish i could erase part of my mind! i always wonder if he thinks about me or anything! i dont work or do anything which makes it worse! especially if the weather is ugly! i dont go anywhere to meet guys either, i only go to the grocery store once a week! and dr appts! my life is so boring without a job, weekends are the hardest, because thats when i saw him the most and spent the most time with him, ugh!

ifeel i will be alone for many years, i was single 6 years before i dated this last guy, because the former ex cheated and i went through the MC issue too, and i was devastated, he left me for a 16 yr old! and was traumatized! took me almost a yr to get over him and even speak to another guy!

it just amazes me how men can jump from woman to woman month after month or whatever! they are definitely not made like us to get feelings or hurt!

[Gold Pile]

But I am not a wonderful dame GP, I have my demons and I am not good in relationships. I've sabotaged every single relationship I've ever been in because of my fear of being abandoned.

 

I suck at relationships, and as soon as someone makes me feel vulnerable, I start the process of pushing them away.

 

I suck.

Your demons are part of you and you are wonderful.

You could be just another pretty face who didn't have the slightest demon or pondered thoughts. Instead you are complex, exciting.

 

I'm sorry that issues cause you pain. I'd put an end to them (for you) if I could.

But there is no doubting that you are exciting.

[D-Lish]

Your demons are part of you and you are wonderful.

You could be just another pretty face who didn't have the slightest demon or pondered thoughts. Instead you are complex, exciting.

 

I'm sorry that issues cause you pain. I'd put an end to them (for you) if I could.

But there is no doubting that you are exciting.

 

I suspect that you would be a man that would take me as I am, the faults and the good combined. I wish there were more men (people) out there like you:).

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh for cripes sakes, read the book and heal!