Why am I not healing??

[D-Lish]

Based on my experience these kind of guy are called "NICE GUY SYNDROME" they are too weak to stand for themselves, agreeing strangers and too afraid to stand for theirs...so once we're in their team, they won't stand for us too like he wont stand for himselves...I often told him its more beneficial to be his friend than being his significant one because he does not treat me any better than them ( just because he is being "nice to everyone to the point of ppl using him).

 

I think I just want to share, because it makes me stronger to know that I am not alone with that experience with that kind of man. The memories kind of giving false delusion that actually it is a worthy love because its felt so strong, but the logic keeps telling me its not, .take care

 

You are not alone in your experience, a lot of us meet people like this.

 

Oddly enough, my exH was the same. He never stood up for me with his Mother who was a horrible human being, and really awful to me.

 

But you're right, the memories are a false delusion. The men we fell in love are a delusion we created.

[fazz]

Yes that is so true.. ! Yeah ater the first break up my constant vent to him was youre not the person I thought you were"....he was just quiet everytime I vent about things ( the typical kind of this person was the kind of person who will pretend like a wall - stay quiet, pretending like he was listening but actually he was expecting me to shut up ( and hoping the issue to go away by itself ).The resentment was built overtime and although he took me to visit his family and doing his best at many things, I feel like he did not have the effort to recognise my feeling and I feel like he did not appreciate my feeling.

 

Yeah I still constantly thinking about him and want to jump on the train to visit him because he is the same kind of guy who is too afraid to be vulnerable by love and putting his pride first ( yeah the type bye bye you will never see him again kind of guy).

 

Funny thing , as I write this post I started to appreciate the way he asked me back at the first time coz It must be really hard for him to do so ( he told me so but I didnt realise how hard it was for him).

 

The sad part is I know that he has done his best to love me as much as he could ( because he is a self centered guy), so he has done his best and I left him while actually I'm still in love w him.... very toxic eh.

 

At first its really hard to even push myself to forget about him because I don't want him to treat me that way ( well i always have this belief of treat others the way you want them to treat you, so If I actively trying to forget him I feel like I jinx him to forget me kind of thought....)

 

But when I see the FB thingy I finally get the boost to forget him the way he treat me... and letting me to focus on myself...

 

But the thoughts has been going back and forth but I dont let my mind to negotiate and think too much, i just say focusfocusfocus and let my thoughts busy with what I am doing at that moment....

 

I've been through this , its not healed yet but I still dont know how to control my thoughts, it seems everything come by itself and deinitely i do a LOT of praying......it gives me the hope to have someone being with me to carry on:)

Edited August 11, 2011 by fazz

[patagonia]

Yes that is so true.. ! Yeah ater the first break up my constant vent to him was youre not the person I thought you were"....he was just quiet everytime I vent about things ( the typical kind of this person was the kind of person who will pretend like a wall - stay quiet, pretending like he was listening but actually he was expecting me to shut up ( and hoping the issue to go away by itself ).The resentment was built overtime and although he took me to visit his family and doing his best at many things, I feel like he did not have the effort to recognise my feeling and I feel like he did not appreciate my feeling.

 

Yeah I still constantly thinking about him and want to jump on the train to visit him because he is the same kind of guy who is too afraid to be vulnerable by love and putting his pride first ( yeah the type bye bye you will never see him again kind of guy).

 

Funny thing , as I write this post I started to appreciate the way he asked me back at the first time coz It must be really hard for him to do so ( he told me so but I didnt realise how hard it was for him).

 

The sad part is I know that he has done his best to love me as much as he could ( because he is a self centered guy), so he has done his best and I left him while actually I'm still in love w him.... very toxic eh.

 

At first its really hard to even push myself to forget about him because I don't want him to treat me that way ( well i always have this belief of treat others the way you want them to treat you, so If I actively trying to forget him I feel like I jinx him to forget me kind of thought....)

 

But when I see the FB thingy I finally get the boost to forget him the way he treat me... and letting me to focus on myself...

 

But the thoughts has been going back and forth but I dont let my mind to negotiate and think too much, i just say focusfocusfocus and let my thoughts busy with what I am doing at that moment....

 

I've been through this , its not healed yet but I still dont know how to control my thoughts, it seems everything come by itself and deinitely i do a LOT of praying......it gives me the hope to have someone being with me to carry on:)

 

Sounds just like my exW

[fazz]

@Patagonia: Meaning that yours was toxic too so you two was still in love when separated?

[patagonia]

all of it! toxic, cold, prideful. A big mess

[D-Lish]

Fazz, your relationship would only be toxic had you not had the self respect to end things. You obviously do have self respect, otherwise you'd still be with him.

 

You recognized you deserved better and made the hard decision to walk despite still being in love with him.

 

That's strength, and you should be proud of yourself.

[fazz]

Yeah, the worst when someone is too in love with themselves and too busy to protect to themselves, thus they can't open up and being open to discuss the problem...if they are someone we can not talk with, its making them impossible to have relationship with.......even if they love us back. What is the point of having a life partner if they cant be vulnerable and open to eachother *sigh*

[D-Lish]

Yeah, the worst when someone is too in love with themselves and too busy to protect to themselves, thus they can't open up and being open to discuss the problem...if they are someone we can not talk with, its making them impossible to have relationship with.......even if they love us back. What is the point of having a life partner if they cant be vulnerable and open to eachother *sigh*

 

At least you recognized that and got yourself out of a would be toxic relationship.

 

Lots of people aren't strong enough to do that.

[fazz]

Thanks D lish, finally I am out of it

I think we all need to be proud of ourselves when we have taken to a phase where we have the opportunity to improve our self well being

 

I am happy to find your thread and talk this out, as like yours, my friend find it weird as they do not usually seeing me in this state....lol.

Edited August 11, 2011 by fazz

[D-Lish]

Thanks D lish, finally I am out of it

I think we all need to be proud of ourselves when we have taken to a phase where we have the opportunity to improve our self well being

 

I am happy to find your thread and talk this out, as like yours, my friend find it weird as they do not usually seeing me in this state....lol.

 

Start a thread if you need to vent or want some advice- most people around here are pretty helpful.

 

No shame in asking for advice or help girl.

 

We're here to listen if you need it.

 

I never talk about my issues with my friends, because I always want to present a strong front- that's why this forum has helped me in some pretty amazing ways.

[fazz]

Start a thread if you need to vent or want some advice- most people around here are pretty helpful.

 

No shame in asking for advice or help girl.

 

We're here to listen if you need it.

 

I never talk about my issues with my friends, because I always want to present a strong front- that's why this forum has helped me in some pretty amazing ways.

 

Cool, thanks D-lish, that's a brilliant suggestion..I might give it a go! I hope you feel better now. I made a chart / mapping of how my thoughts works to the realisation why the relationship did not work , and it makes me feel more grounded and I keep myself busy by accompanying a friend who come to visit , so I had a busy day meeting old friend and it helps a lot....I hope you can find things to make you feel better too.

[D-Lish]

Cool, thanks D-lish, that's a brilliant suggestion..I might give it a go! I hope you feel better now. I made a chart / mapping of how my thoughts works to the realisation why the relationship did not work , and it makes me feel more grounded and I keep myself busy by accompanying a friend who come to visit , so I had a busy day meeting old friend and it helps a lot....I hope you can find things to make you feel better too.

 

I usually allow work to distract me, but I'm on vacation starting today. It's nice to have a break from work- but I will have to dind things to distract me and keep my mind off of him.

 

Someone brought my ex up at work today and I could feel myself on the verge of tears:o

 

It's almost 5 months and I know I am getting a little better- but I still have those days where I just feel like the grieving is never going to end.

[D-Lish]

I usually allow work to distract me, but I'm on vacation starting today. It's nice to have a break from work- but I will have to find things to distract me and keep my mind off of him.

 

Someone brought my ex up at work today and I could feel myself on the verge of tears:o

 

It's almost 5 months and I know I am getting a little better- but I still have those days where I just feel like the grieving is never going to end.

[jeff2321]

I feel ya D-Lish. I'm at 12 months now and just recently found out my ex got engaged 2-3 months after she left me. So that likely means she is married now. I was doing really good and then this recent news just bummed me out so bad. Oh well. There is no other possible move here but to move on at this point, but I do feel like a failure as a boyfriend and as a man.

 

I am confident you will find the strength to overcome this heartache. Time has a way of healing things. Hang in there.

 

Jeff2321

[D-Lish]

I feel ya D-Lish. I'm at 12 months now and just recently found out my ex got engaged 2-3 months after she left me. So that likely means she is married now. I was doing really good and then this recent news just bummed me out so bad. Oh well. There is no other possible move here but to move on at this point, but I do feel like a failure as a boyfriend and as a man.

 

I am confident you will find the strength to overcome this heartache. Time has a way of healing things. Hang in there.

 

Jeff2321

 

Wow, that's not news I'd ever want to know about, must have been hard to hear. I know news like that would turn my world upside down.

 

A break up doesn't make you a failure, or any less of a man. That made me so sad to read!

 

I hope this is only a temporary set back for you.

[D-Lish]

Yesterday was a hard day because it was my ex's b-day. I had no intention of saying anything, I just remembered halfway through the day.

 

Last night I missed a phone call at 3am with a hang up and no VM left, which is bugging me.

 

I know it was his b-day, it was a Saturday night, and I know his friends would have taken him out to get hammered.

 

Only people in my contacts show up by name- all other calls show up as unknown caller and he's no longer in my caller list. I've had so much anxiety tonight over it. I did send him that e-mail 2 weeks ago saying I was open to meeting up for coffee or brunch one day, and I also said some other stuff with regard to allowing myself some closure (that was after 4 1/2 months of NC).

 

If it was him, a drunken phone call is insignificant in the larger picture. But wondering who the hell it was (and knowing it was his b-day and would have gone out and gotten hammered) has me upside down again today.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Yesterday was a hard day because it was my ex's b-day. I had no intention of saying anything, I just remembered halfway through the day.

 

Last night I missed a phone call at 3am with a hang up and no VM left, which is bugging me.

 

I know it was his b-day, it was a Saturday night, and I know his friends would have taken him out to get hammered.

 

Only people in my contacts show up by name- all other calls show up as unknown caller and he's no longer in my caller list. I've had so much anxiety tonight over it. I did send him that e-mail 2 weeks ago saying I was open to meeting up for coffee or brunch one day, and I also said some other stuff with regard to allowing myself some closure (that was after 4 1/2 months of NC).

 

If it was him, a drunken phone call is insignificant in the larger picture. But wondering who the hell it was (and knowing it was his b-day and would have gone out and gotten hammered) has me upside down again today.

 

 

 

don't fret over it to much... could have been a chinese telemarketer with the wrong number. don't be afraid of the unknown, some things are best kept that way.

 

 

Make an excuse as to who it may have been (someone had the wrong number) then believe it. whether your excuse is correct or not it doesn't matter at this point, just keep moving on that road to recovery.

[D-Lish]

don't fret over it to much... could have been a chinese telemarketer with the wrong number. don't be afraid of the unknown, some things are best kept that way.

 

 

Make an excuse as to who it may have been (someone had the wrong number) then believe it. whether your excuse is correct or not it doesn't matter at this point, just keep moving on that road to recovery.

 

Honestly, it doesn't matter. If it was him calling that late and drunk, it's insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

 

If someone truly wanted to make amends, they'd move mountains to do so, not give you breadcrumbs.

 

If I meant something to this guy he'd be on my doorstep telling me so.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Honestly, it doesn't matter. If it was him calling that late and drunk, it's insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

 

If someone truly wanted to make amends, they'd move mountains to do so, not give you breadcrumbs.

 

If I meant something to this guy he'd be on my doorstep telling me so.

 

 

Wow, I must say I'm impressed by how you are taking this. I gave that advice assuming you would be a little defensive. Kudos to you for seeing the big picture and not over-analysing the situation

 

 

unfortunately my ex does the breadcrumb bit .... On the bright side it doesn't bother me any more

[D-Lish]

Wow, I must say I'm impressed by how you are taking this. I gave that advice assuming you would be a little defensive. Kudos to you for seeing the big picture and not over-analysing the situation

 

unfortunately my ex does the breadcrumb bit .... On the bright side it doesn't bother me any more

 

You don't have it in you to make people feel defensive, you're matter of fact with compassion- a very nice mix.

 

What can you do really- we just have to protect ourselves in the best way we can, and NOT accept breadcrumbs.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

You don't have it in you to make people feel defensive, you're matter of fact with compassion- a very nice mix.

 

Thank You, You just made my night

 

What can you do really- we just have to protect ourselves in the best way we can, and NOT accept breadcrumbs.

 

I agree, but will admit it is an extremely hard journey to get to the point where breadcrumbs don't mean anything any more. Now every breadcrumb she leaves feeds my ego... and soon she'll be out of bread.

[D-Lish]

Thank You, You just made my night

 

I agree, but will admit it is an extremely hard journey to get to the point where breadcrumbs don't mean anything any more. Now every breadcrumb she leaves feeds my ego... and soon she'll be out of bread.

 

Glad I could make your night-

 

Time to feed your own ego and look after yourself. We spend so much energy on ex's that don't deserve the energy.

 

How old are you again?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Glad I could make your night-

 

Time to feed your own ego and look after yourself. We spend so much energy on ex's that don't deserve the energy.

 

How old are you again?

 

I waste no energy on her, typically whenever a thought of her passes through my mind I think "well that was a good memory" or "oh I shouldn't have done that... that won't happen again in my next relationship", as I see it all my energy is wasted on myself

 

 

I will be 21 on September 13th

[D-Lish]

I waste no energy on her, typically whenever a thought of her passes through my mind I think "well that was a good memory" or "oh I shouldn't have done that... that won't happen again in my next relationship", as I see it all my energy is wasted on myself

 

 

I will be 21 on September 13th

 

 

Lol.

 

Well all I can tell you is that I look back and think about fixing things that have already transpired."If only I had have done that, or not done that..." kinda stuff.

 

None of it is healthy:o

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

 

Lol.

 

Well all I can tell you is that I look back and think about fixing things that have already transpired."If only I had have done that, or not done that..." kinda stuff.

 

None of it is healthy:o

 

 

It's normal to have those thoughts, but in the grand scheme of things you could have done anything and you would still be where you are now. Same goes for me and every other person going through a breakup. So keep your chin up and know that you have done everything you possibly could have to keep that relationship alive. One day you will meet that special someone who will be with you no matter what, then you can look back at all the things that transpired with that relationship and wonder "if I did this would they have ended the relationship?"...

 

ok probably not but with that special someone you could do just about everything and he will still love and cherish you for you.