It's over, have a nice life.

[TaintedHeart]

We get 'Dumped'

 

'Dumper' Doesn't contact us anymore. No 'How are you doing?' Text's/Email's,/Call's, ect

 

'Dumpee' Feel's as though this isn't the decent thing to do

 

'Dumpee' Feel's hurt and angry, ect, ect.

 

So is this really being cold, cruel, nasty, selfish, shameless ect?

 

I don't know what to think.

 

I know if I had been the 'Dumper' I'd be decent and concerned about the person I've hurt.

 

I obviously wouldn't text them every day and give them false hope but I couldn't just cut them off, just like that.

[geegirl]

It is better that after a breakup, the Dumper not have any contact with you. Because any type of contact, even a "how are you" will be misconstrued by the dumpee. When you are hurting, you believe it is the kind and thoughtful thing to do. It is not. It's the best thing that can happen to you when the dumper does not contact you, at least until you have completely healed.

 

Trust me, if he sent you a "how are you" now, you'd be back on here with a post that says, "he asked me how I am...what does it meeeeaaaaannnn???!!!"

 

They're not cutting you off. Their part in the R is over and while things are still fresh, it's in no one's best interest for small talk and niceties, even if it is what you need to alleviate the pain and finality of it all.

[TaintedHeart]

It is better that after a breakup, the Dumper not have any contact with you. Because any type of contact, even a "how are you" will be misconstrued by the dumpee. When you are hurting, you believe it is the kind and thoughtful thing to do. It is not. It's the best thing that can happen to you when the dumper does not contact you, at least until you have completely healed.

 

Trust me, if he sent you a "how are you" now, you'd be back on here with a post that says, "he asked me how I am...what does it meeeeaaaaannnn???!!!"

 

They're not cutting you off. Their part in the R is over and while things are still fresh, it's in no one's best interest for small talk and niceties, even if it is what you need to alleviate the pain and finality of it all.

 

I personally wouldn't be misconstrued by a text simply asking how I am, though some people would read too much into it I guess.

[geegirl]

I personally wouldn't be misconstrued by a text simply asking how I am, though some people would read too much into it I guess.

 

You also have to understand while you are immersed in turmoil and hurt, most likely the dumper is at a point where he may be emotional some but somewhat detached and would rather not have contact. They're probably feeling guilt and most likely believe it is best to keep distance. I am sure they know the dumpee is hurt and by asking how you are when they know they're the ones that are responsible for your hurt is something they probably struggle to deal with, at least while everything is still fresh.

 

I was sort of the dumper once and the dumpee told me not to contact him because he needed to heal and as much as I wanted to just ask his how he was once in awhile, I realized that it may cause him more hurt than good if I did so. And even if he didn't mention not contacting him, I would have stayed away to let him go and heal and also it would have been hard for me as I was feeling guilty for hurting him. The sad part is that we were never in a relationship and we were best friends but he fell for me and I couldn't reciprocate. So I can only imagine when two people are in an R.

[ThatBwoii]

I think it is overwhelming because the simple fact is, its so hard, yet so simple.

[TheHurtProcess]

It is better that after a breakup, the Dumper not have any contact with you. Because any type of contact, even a "how are you" will be misconstrued by the dumpee. When you are hurting, you believe it is the kind and thoughtful thing to do. It is not. It's the best thing that can happen to you when the dumper does not contact you, at least until you have completely healed.

 

Trust me, if he sent you a "how are you" now, you'd be back on here with a post that says, "he asked me how I am...what does it meeeeaaaaannnn???!!!"

 

They're not cutting you off. Their part in the R is over and while things are still fresh, it's in no one's best interest for small talk and niceties, even if it is what you need to alleviate the pain and finality of it all.

 

I totally agree with this. It took me quite a while to actually think about it and agree that NC is for the best regardless of who initiates it. Give it some time and you'll begin to understand this yourself, after you've reached that point where you've just about healed and you're ready to move on with your life, finally.

 

About a month ago, I felt exactly as you do now. I was all sorts of confused and angry because it was my ex (the dumper) who initiated NC and I (the dumpee) was left in the dark.

 

About a week or so ago, she sent me a message via FB, asking how I was doing, how my life was going in certain areas. She told me that she was thinking about me and that she had a dream and I was in it. I did the best thing that I could possibly do for myself and I just deleted her message without responding. Then for about three days afterwards, I was wondering if it meant anything or if she was just making smalltalk.

 

Well, obviously since she hasn't sent me anything since that one message, the message had nothing to do with reconciliation, nor did she say anything meaningful, stating that she cared in the least, it meant absolutely that.. Nothing. I realized that it was more or less just to ease her guilt, more so than any other reason. The guilt of leaving me in the dark without any closure or reasoning. I had to create my own reasons and find my own closure over the past month or so. But, I managed.

 

We only broke up about 2 months ago. I have a bad day here or there, but for the most part I'm through the worst of it and I've been slowly moving on. Once you accept that it's officially over and you finally lose all hope (of reconciliation), you will begin to heal at an insanely fast rate. But, you have to do just that... Let go and tell yourself, it's over. "Accept" fate.

 

Trust me my friend. You'll be fine. It's all up to you how fast you recover. It's mostly mind over matter at this point. Good luck!!!

[TaintedHeart]

I totally agree with this. It took me quite a while to actually think about it and agree that NC is for the best regardless of who initiates it. Give it some time and you'll begin to understand this yourself, after you've reached that point where you've just about healed and you're ready to move on with your life, finally.

 

About a month ago, I felt exactly as you do now. I was all sorts of confused and angry because it was my ex (the dumper) who initiated NC and I (the dumpee) was left in the dark.

 

About a week or so ago, she sent me a message via FB, asking how I was doing, how my life was going in certain areas. She told me that she was thinking about me and that she had a dream and I was in it. I did the best thing that I could possibly do for myself and I just deleted her message without responding. Then for about three days afterwards, I was wondering if it meant anything or if she was just making smalltalk.

 

Well, obviously since she hasn't sent me anything since that one message, the message had nothing to do with reconciliation, nor did she say anything meaningful, stating that she cared in the least, it meant absolutely that.. Nothing. I realized that it was more or less just to ease her guilt, more so than any other reason. The guilt of leaving me in the dark without any closure or reasoning. I had to create my own reasons and find my own closure over the past month or so. But, I managed.

 

We only broke up about 2 months ago. I have a bad day here or there, but for the most part I'm through the worst of it and I've been slowly moving on. Once you accept that it's officially over and you finally lose all hope (of reconciliation), you will begin to heal at an insanely fast rate. But, you have to do just that... Let go and tell yourself, it's over. "Accept" fate.

 

Trust me my friend. You'll be fine. It's all up to you how fast you recover. It's mostly mind over matter at this point. Good luck!!!

 

I understand and agree with what you're saying. I don't understand how just by a relationship ending means you aren't allowed to care anymore or how anyone can just stop caring just because the relationship is over.

[geegirl]

I understand and agree with what you're saying. I don't understand how just by a relationship ending means you aren't allowed to care anymore or how anyone can just stop caring just because the relationship is over.

 

They most likely care, Tainted. But from afar. Keeping in contact even with little niceties, will keep the flame going. As much as we think not, it will. He may ask you today, you will feel good, then a couple of days later, you will have to deal with the pain again and then what? Will him asking you make it better. No. Just for a moment maybe. But when it all comes back again, and when he doesn't come back to ask you, what happens? You still have to deal with him being gone and struggling to heal. It's best to just cut contact so that the dumpee can heal and move on. They may feel that asking you may be giving you hope, or confusing you, or maybe they are struggling with their own guilt and their own pains to deal with yours. It's difficult both ways and most times distance and NC is best for both to move on and to get to better footing.

[thelovingkind]

I agree with geegirl. In my experience, the most caring, thoughtful and nice dumpers are the worst ones for us. As horrible as it is for someone to break up with you in a detached way and then leave your life immediately and permanently, this is about the best possible set up for moving on. People who care too much, who call and say "Just want to see how you were doing...", who invite you to see them and emphasise how eager they are to make time for you, etc. are doing us no favours.

 

Contact in these situations involves uncontrollable emotional cues. You cannot simply over-ride them by saying to yourself "It's okay, I know it's over, I'm not going to read into this." If it were that easy for logic to overpower brute emotion then we would none of us be on this forum! Think about it: every single person here bar the ultra-confused newbies with one or two posts knows logically about NC, knows logically that contact from an ex means breadcrumbs, knows logically what they need to do to move on, and yet we're still here struggling with it weeks and sometimes months down the line. Because these are powerful emotional currents we're dealing with.

 

Decent or indecent, caring or uncaring, done out of thoughtful consideration or done because they have no desire to ever have you in their life again, the fact remains that a slightly detached, straight-forward break up and immediate NC is the best possible place to begin moving on. As much as we think we want something more out of "common human decency" or whatever, every little bit more is really about feeding the addiction.

[Dblock10]

hmm, this is why atm in my situation im calling her bluff. ive asked to meet her. she has said she will let me know her work rota..

 

so time will tell.

[TheHurtProcess]

I understand and agree with what you're saying. I don't understand how just by a relationship ending means you aren't allowed to care anymore or how anyone can just stop caring just because the relationship is over.

 

Nobody ever said you weren't allowed to care anymore. I'm sure that your ex still has feelings, yet they choose to initiate NC so that the both of you can carry on and heal. It may be more for their well-being over yours, but at the same time, it allows you time to heal as well. It's usually because both people care way too much and the only way both parties will be able to move on with their lives from there in a reasonable amount of time is to initiate NC.

 

If you were to try and make a "friendship" happen after the relationship was over or even make smalltalk here and there to make sure each other were okay, it would interfere with the healing process.

 

Trust me, you'll begin to understand sooner or later. You may be confused now. But after you've healed you will agree.

 

I had an ex who did in fact stick around after the relationship was over. This took place about 10-15 years ago. It took me about twice as long to heal as it normally would have. I probably spent about 6 months in pain when I normally would have taken 2 to 3 months or so. One day I finally decided that it wasn't working as "friends" anymore and therefore I initiated NC. I was over her within a month or so afterward. Then I was free.

 

Don't underestimate the power of NO CONTACT. However, if you're still in denial, thinking that she might one day come running back, it's not going to work as intended. But, if you can seriously "accept" that the relationship is 100% dead and that you need to work on burying those feelings (healing), it's literally the only option you have to heal in the quickest amount of time.