Am I being too needy??

[odisea]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. In January, he broke up with me for a few weeks saying that he needed space and didnt want a girlfriend. We got right back together though and things have been good up until a few weeks ago.

Two weeks ago I lost my job all of the sudden and he lost his car, so we were both in a bad position. We couldnt see each other as much because I dont drive, and we live on opposite ends of town. The problem is is that since I lost my job he seems to not want to see me as often. This last week he has had his car fixed and back on the road, but we seem to be seeing each other less and it's driving me crazy. When I was working he called almost every day asking me when he would get to see me again, and when he did see me, he would state that we didnt have enough time together. I think it was because I was more independant and less available.

Now I am the one calling him all the time and asking to see him. I dont even give him a chance to call me or ask to see me first, and I feel I am feeling a little too insecure about the change which is making me too clingy. Would that push him away? I called him tonight and asked to see him sometime this weekend and he said 'maybe' which made me upset. We have spent almost every weekend together the last few months and one night a week, but now it's down to one day a week. I asked him why he doesnt want to see me as much anymore and he just started laughing and said that I always think something is wrong. He also told me he liked it when I was working because I was less needy and more confident in us. I know where he's coming from, but I really want him to want me again.

One thing I should mention is he hasnt said he loves me yet, and he told me he wont till he is ready...so not knowing what he feels in his heart for me, and still having some insecurities left over from when he broke up with me makes the present problem maybe worse than it is. I feel that lately I'm always in his face calling and asking to see him. Please please give me some advice or insight on how to relax. Should I back off for a bit to allow him the chance to miss me?? I hate feeling this way and I know it must be turning him off a bit?

[moimeme]

The hardest and scariest thing to contemplate when you love someone is the loss of that treasured person. It can send the sanest of us into a tailspin and, of course, the first instinct is to want to be sure to maintain communication to reassure ourselves that all is well. However, even though it's a perfectly normal reaction to be frightened of losing someone, often that fear is mistaken for excessive neediness - and people are afraid of anybody needing them too much.

 

I don't know if you've read any of John Grey's 'Mars and Venus' books, but he describes exactly this scenario; women, desperate to keep a bond which seems to be getting shaky, put more and more effort into trying to communicate and that makes men back off. The more the woman tries to communicate, the farther and faster the man retreats. Keep that in mind and force yourself to behave nonchalantly.

 

Should I back off for a bit to allow him the chance to miss me??

 

Absolutely.

[odisea]

Thanks Moimeme...I'm going to do that. I'm just not going to call him for a few weeks and I'll let him ask to see me. The thing is, if he blows me off this weekend and doesnt call me until Mon or Tues I'm going to be very hurt and angry with him. If he does this, should I blow him off the next time he asks to see me? If I should, should I show any anger at him? The whole point of backing off is to make things better between us, not worse, so I really dont want to say or do the wrong thing. I really need advice on how to react to him the next few weeks, but if I'm angry at his lack of interest in being around me, is it best to keep it hidden and just act casual? I want him to miss me and yearn for me again while at the same time getting the point I'm trying to make by backing off. Will it work??

[moimeme]

Tues I'm going to be very hurt and angry with him. If he does this, should I blow him off the next time he asks to see me? If I should, should I show any anger at him?

 

No. This is not a revenge game. This is about not chasing someone around and allowing that someone to come to you.

 

but if I'm angry at his lack of interest in being around me, is it best to keep it hidden and just act casual?

 

You are interpreting his actions to be 'lack of interest'. You could be completely wrong. He could just be getting that male terror that you're going to turn out to be a 'Fatal Attraction' type who can't live without him attached to her hip.

 

I want him to miss me and yearn for me again while at the same time getting the point I'm trying to make by backing off. Will it work??

 

You can't make anybody feel anything, and you certainly can't make them feel exactly what you think they should feel. What you can do is realize the effects of your actions on others and change your actions accordingly.

[hART]

Good advice here.

I get like that at times.

He acts like he likes you.

Take a deep breath, find a hobby or do whatever you need to do to relax.

If he doesn't call for long periods of time (I'd say a about 2-3 days) call him.

Good luck!