My husband still killing me after he left!

[Tamara]

I'm beyond livid, I've written to this site before and posted numerous threads due to problems I've had w/my hubby who decided to walk out on me. As mentioned before, he e-mails like it's nothing. I'm including an excerpt from his last e-mail because I'm so livid. Here's what happened...I sent my mother and mother-in-law flowers for Mother's day on my debit card. MY debit card!!!! Now, because it was a site I used before w/my husband when we bought them x-mas gifts, all the ship to information was conveniently saved. NOT his credit card number or anything (we used his credit card for gifts). Just addresses! So, not realizing that the point of contact e-mail address was not changed, HE got sent the confirmation order information and blamed me for frivolously using his credit card. I used my own money to try to do a nice thing and I got this crap of him thinking I took his money. The other part of the e-mail had to do w/how his family is doing and how he's praying for me. Please read the following that he wrote to me:

 

" Lastly, I am a bit concerned about an email I got from AAFEES. Four of them. Each stating that you had purchased something from them but for some reason you gave MY email address as a point of contact. I'm not sure of your motivations, or why you did it and I don't care. However, I DO NOT want you using my credit card number to purchase stuff. If you need money for something I can try to help you but I have bills here that I have to pay and can't afford for you to frivolously spend on my credit card. Truthfully I didnt even know you had the number. Guess I should change it"

 

I'm so surprised, shocked and upset that I'm shaking and crying. The following e-mail he wrote to me after this one was a follow-up to say, "oh, I just found out they were flowers. What was it for Mother's Day or did you just feel like being nice or something? Then, it's alright, I guess".

 

I'm so torn and just shaken with despair, somebody please set me straight. I'm so upset, w/all the other things he's done, I feel like I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. And to top it all of, he tells me in the last e-mail, he hasn't heard from me so to e-mail him!!! Tearfully, Tamara.

[moimeme]

You're more upset than you need be because of the whole situation. He jumped to conclusions is all. It's unfortunate that he did it, but it's an unfortunate human trait. People like to make assumptions and leap right to accusations rather than making sure their assumptions have some basis in fact.

 

In short, rather than accusing you of using his card, he should have asked how it might be that he would get these confirmation letters. That he didn't isn't even slightly unusual because most people do that sort of thing.

 

Don't let this incident bother you. If you like, you can tear a strip off him for making the accusation unfairly.

[Tamara]

"What does not kill me only serves to make me stronger" Nietzsche

 

I know it's such a simple thing that could've easily have been fixed, but we're separated now so I am trying not to contact him at all. He just did things like this daily when we were together. All things do add up and when you're constantly accused of something you haven't done and have always been a good person, it really sucks.

 

All I was doing was a nice gesture and once again it got turned around and God only knows what his mom thinks of me too. He already had been telling her lies about me but she's been kind enough to keep in touch w/me because she either really likes me or is just pacifying me. I hope it's not the latter. I haven't contacted him ever since he walked out and he is constantly e-mailing me and thinking that I'm just not contacting him because I'm busy. No, it's just that I can't deal w/him always doing things such as this.

 

I love him so much he just kills me on the inside. I've remained strong through writing at this site and receiving good advice. But, he just always assumes things all the time w/out clarifying and verifying. That is the reason why he thinks I'm a drug addict because the doctor put me on pain killers for my severe scoliosis and he left me for this time. You know, it would really be terrible if I "WAS" addicted to pain killers and he would just walk out like that. I would try to help the person and be by their side whether they wanted or not. That's just me. I just thank God for the little things that I'm not addicted and am on regulated pain management treatment.

 

As I write this post to you all, I just got texted on my cell, "i hope all is well, prayed for you and i love you". I really don't get it. He's hateful, then nice. One advice given to me on an earlier post is that I don't need a psycho praying for me. Giggle giggle. He really flip flops and in the same breathe he'll tell me how I'm emotionally bankrupt and how I'm gonna cheat when I go on TDY (temporary duty), so I'm penalized for something I didn't even do.

 

He left me, so why doesn't he just leave me alone now? It's not like he wants me back or anything, so he's just mentally torturing me little by little.

[sportsloving]

I agree with Moimeme~ he jumped to conclusions and you are giving him a reaction.

 

My ex (the second) changed a bit after we got separated and divorced. He is more cynical and will say the oddest things just to get a reaction. I found that if I don't react at all and keep in mind that he is just "venting" then life is easier to live and deal with him.

 

You know you didn't spend his money, you know you sent gifts to be kind... that is all that matters I know it sucks at the time you are being judged, but just keep in mind that you know all the facts... he is making them up as he goes.

 

Best of luck to you~

[moimeme]

But, he just always assumes things all the time w/out clarifying and verifying.

 

So he's a jerk. That is a good enough reason to quit loving him.

 

he's just mentally torturing me little by little.

 

No. He himself is unbalanced and is behaving erratically and you, thinking that he's normal, are allowing his bizarre behaviour to dictate how you feel. Take back your control over your own feelings. Understand that his behaviour is not normal at all and that he may actually have some sort of mental ailment. Don't allow yourself to be buffetted by his moods and whims.

 

Resolve to distance yourself from his drama. Block all his messages, calls, etc. If you have to get an unlisted number, do it. You do not need to have someone like this in your life. No self-respecting person should 'love' someone who treats them badly. He can say he loves you ten thousand times daily, but love is demonstrated in actions, not in words, and his actions are not those of one who loves.

[Tamara]

Because I'm on good terms w/his mom, I kind of let his mom know the situation and told her. I am trying to avoid all contact as I mentioned earlier because as previously noted, nothing good ever comes out of the situation. And frankly, he left, not me, so he made his decision for the hundredth time of doing this to me. Was it wrong to tell his mom about it and to tell her to relay the message to her son that I bought it and he shouldn't have wrote that to me? Don't want to get her involved, but we are close like that though.

[moimeme]

It wasn't wrong, but I wouldn't run to mom to complain about her darling boy anymore. You'll lose her friendship if you drag her into your fights - though are you quite sure you're not hanging on to her in order to hang on to him?

[Tamara]

I do see your point in regards to holding on to his mom as hanging on to him. But, we really did have a good relationship and she is a school counselor. So, her advice used to help, but he's done this so much and I can't expect her to take my side, because no matter what, it's still going to be her darling boy. I don't even know if she's just being kind to me to pacify me even though she says she loves me no matter what happens. I think she knows things are over between me and her son, but she's such a Bible thumper she says the Holy Spirit has thing all set for us and we just have to find it, kind a thing. All decisions are not made w/out praying for the answers first. I guess, I was waiting for a miracle, as they say.

 

I have told her I was angry and I guess it was wrong of me and if I do lose her friendship, I can understand how difficult I've made it for her to keep it. Considering what to do now. You've brought up some very good valid points.

[moimeme]

All decisions are not made w/out praying for the answers first. I guess, I was waiting for a miracle, as they say.

 

Well, I believe in miracles and in prayer, but I also believe that God expects us to help ourselves rather than sit back and let Him do all the work. If your ex has some sort of mental ailment going on, you can try praying, but treatment will be faster. You may also not be considering the fact that God's answer to whether you should stay with this guy is 'no', which is why he's not improving and why he's such a pill to live with.

 

Sometimes, you know, God or Fate or whatever puts people in our lives to learn from. Some of us have a whole bunch of lessons to learn I think this fellow was one of your 'lessons'; never again get involved with someone who leaves you at the drop of a hat!!

[Tamara]

If your ex has some sort of mental ailment going on, you can try praying, but treatement will be faster.

 

I really didn't think anything could make me laugh, especially at this point. Congratulations! That was pretty damn funny.

 

Thank you. I really needed that.

[befuddled11]

I will be honest with you....when I read your preface, I was expecting his email excerpt to be something horribly nasty and cruel......which would explain why you were so terribly upset...but when I read it, I thought to myself, "huh? what's the big deal?"

 

It was a simple misunderstanding. I don't think his misinformed "reaction" the receiving those confirmation emails was all that out of line. It's surely not unheard of that when a couple separates, that each party would be choked to find their "ex" is using their credit card to purchase things online.

 

It's not like he wrote you something like, "look you b*tch, I don't appreciate you using my credit card online to buy things, use your own card/money....."

 

Sounds to me, by your overly-sensitive reaction to his email, that you're just in a very emotionally vulnerable, fragile state.

 

Probably not the best thing to be "relaying" information through his Mom. As much as she'd likely see your side in things, he's still her son and her ultimate loyalties will always lie with him. She's not going to want to be dragged into the middle of things....to be the "go between"....that will only put her into an awkward spot, and it may cause her to feel that she's got to "choose sides."

 

What are your ages? (you and hubby)

 

How long were you married? Any kids?

 

So what were the circumstances surrounding him leaving? Did anything lead up to it, or did he just wake up one day and say he was leaving you, without any explanation?

[Tamara]

I do thank you for your response and do think you are partially correct in the fact I'm probably vulnerable right now, maybe I read into it too much. But I've been writing to this post for a while and have relinquished alot of the background info previously. I didn't put it all in that particular post. I do think that is also why I'm upset about things too because of the background info that I didn't mention. But, to answer your question, in case you don't read the other posts; he's 25 and I'm 33. He left because he always thinks I'm cheating, lying and doing drugs (they're prescribed by my doctor and regulated for my severe scoliosis, they want to do major surgery on). That's all in a nutshell. So, when I got home from TDY (temporary duty). It happens often and I can't help that. He was in the military too and did the same exact thing I do. He always thinks I'm cheating and his mind just wanders when I'm gone, so I came home one day thinking everything was ok. Big Mac in my hand for him (that's his favorite) only to find a note saying he left me. I was devastated. Yes, just like that. He constantly e-mails and texts my cell to say he loves me and how he's praying for my recovery. I'm wondering still what it is he's praying for. But as a reply once advised me, I don't need a psycho praying for me. He's very religious (nazarene) so I'm shocked he just got up and left when things were actually going great for that little while before this happening. But, when his mind always wanders, it's always usually when I'm not home and he leaves. Has done this many times before and I was usually the one to beg to make things work out. For someone not so religious, I do believe I have a better sense of what a marriage is supposed to be. You can correct me if I'm wrong. I'd like to know too. Thank you.