Months later and I still don't know ...

[waxpoetic]

I posted here a while back about a relationship I became involved in. I was confused then, and I'm even more so now. I'll sum up the earlier details, and then move on to the current situation. I met this girl online, we started talking through texts and then eventually on the phone. She works nights and I work during the day, and when we started talking I would stay up all night and we would text literally 300-400 times, and she would call me on her way to and from work at night and in the morning. The frequency started to diminish, and now she doesn't text me at all at night anymore. We still talk, I know when she's going to call me, at about 9am for 10-15 minutes, then again about 7:30 for another 10-15 minutes, and then again at about 10:45 for 5-10 minutes, and that's about it. We both have phones with video chat, we both have internet connections (obviously) but I can never get her to agree to a video call. She'll tell me we can arrange something, but unless I bring it up, she never mentions it. Same thing with visiting. I asked her back in the beginning of June to come visit me for the July 4th week, she said she would try and get off from work, well, it never happened. Every time I mention it she says we'll meet, but changes the subject.

Anyway, to complicate matters, she has an 11 month old daughter. She's going to fly out to visit her daughter's father and take her to meet her grandparents the beginning of August. She told me she doesn't want to go, but yet she made sure to find time off to do that.

I can't figure her out. I bumped into an old friend who I hadn't seen in years last Thursday night, and we went out to dinner after work. We stayed out late, and my phone died. I plugged it in when I got home but forgot to turn it on. Anyway, when I got up in the morning I texted her to tell her that I went out and what happened. She got really jealous and mad at me and didn't want to talk. I called her back a while later and apologized. That seemed wrong, because there are plenty of times she tells me she's going to call and doesn't for one reason or another. Her daughter is sick, she fell asleep, she was busy, etc... For example, Saturday we were on the phone and she had to get off for a few minutes. She told me she would call me back in five minutes. Five minutes passed, and ten, twenty. Then about 30 minutes later she sends me a text that she's going to call, and 15 minutes after that she's trying to get her roommate out of the living room and she'll call. After another 30 minutes I told her not to bother, I was going to bed. I had been drinking a little on Saturday, and I was feeling really depressed and upset over this whole thing, and then that turned into getting mad. I blocked her number and went to sleep. About 1pm yesterday I get a text saying "don't accept my calls then", and when I checked she tried to call a few minutes before that. I mean, I knew that was going to happen, but I was standing firm in my convictions. Then she tried to call again about 6pm, I know because I received another text "OK, no need for us to talk anymore. Apparently, so don't call me anymore and you've made it where I can't call you". I wanted to call, apologize, tell her how much I care and how much I do want to speak to her. But I didn't. Today I get up and I want to call her, I'm trying to stay strong, to not give in, but I just don't know what to do. I know how much I want this to work, how much I want to meet her, but I'm afraid to call. What if I do and she doesn't pick up? I'll feel even worse, and if she does, what if this just continues? I feel like Lenny asking George to tell him about the rabbits. We know how that ended.

What should I do? Am I just blind to the clues she's giving me? This is driving me crazy, and I don't know how much more I can take.

[waxpoetic]

I've been thinking if I do call her again, I would give her an ultimatum. Set a date for video chat, skype, something, and set a real date for meeting, or call the whole thing off. I don't want to do that, ultimatums can put people in an akward situation, but what else can I do?

[madjac74]

I think I know how you feel. My GF and I are having difficulty finding time to talk lately and it has fueled several arguments. Tell me are you starting to feel like they are hiding something...like another relationship? I try not to think that but the thought has certainly crossed my mind.

 

The simple fact is that she just may be busy. Being a single, working parent is extremely time consuming. Trust me I know. You can say you will call in 15 minutes because you are busy with something and suddenly you realize its been an hour. Your girlfriend has obviously made the effort to call and it just happened to not be a convenient time for you. I can understand how frustrating it is when you keep missing each others attempts.

 

I don't think you should give her an ultimatum. That just puts people on the defensive right away and she will likely shut off emotionally. Just talk to her about it calmly and give her a chance to explain her side of the story. If you still cant get her on the phone then send her an email to voice your concerns and feelings.

[waxpoetic]

I've told her how I feel, time and time again. Whenever I bring it up, she changes the subject. I tell her how wonderful I think she is, how much I care about her, and her response is always "that's sweet" or something like that.

She used to tell me all the time how she had to meet me and we had to be together and she had to finally be able to kiss me, that doesn't happen anymore. I don't know if she met someone else, or if she just lost interest, or if I was too overbearing.

[Lucky_One]

I don't think you were overbearing at all. If you were, you would have insisted that you meet in person WAY before now.

 

I don't get why she has to have her roommate out of the room before she can call you. I don't get why you can't just call her out of the blue (you said in your other thread that you were scared to call her at any time). I don't get why you haven't asked your XGF to come stay for the weekend to take care of the dogs while you fly down there to meet her and stay at a hotel.

 

The way this stands now, she has a guy online who tells her everything that her little heart and ego desires, and who promises that he will take care of her and her D forever. She can live and do as she pleases (and date who she pleases, as you have zero idea what she is doing in her real life), and have you to fall back on if she can't find anyone better or more stable or richer or hotter or whatever adjective you want.

 

Honestly, what are the POSITIVES that you are getting from this? Write then down, and then think about if those positives outweigh the worry and fear and anxiety and sadness that you are getting from this unproductive relationship.

[madjac74]

She used to tell me all the time how she had to meet me and we had to be together and she had to finally be able to kiss me, that doesn't happen anymore. I don't know if she met someone else, or if she just lost interest, or if I was too overbearing.

 

This is the crap you need to tell her. I'm not talking about the everyday kissy stuff like how awesome she is or how sexy she is which is fine but she could get that from any douche bag in a bar. My GF has guys who randomly slip her notes telling her how beautiful she is.

 

You need to tell her how you feel CURRENTLY which isn't how wonderful she is or how much you care about her but how she is making you feel right now. Just tell her you've noticed a change and ask if anything has changed about how she feels about you. That would even fit nicely in a text.

[waxpoetic]

I don't think you were overbearing at all. If you were, you would have insisted that you meet in person WAY before now.

 

I don't get why she has to have her roommate out of the room before she can call you. I don't get why you can't just call her out of the blue (you said in your other thread that you were scared to call her at any time). I don't get why you haven't asked your XGF to come stay for the weekend to take care of the dogs while you fly down there to meet her and stay at a hotel.

 

The way this stands now, she has a guy online who tells her everything that her little heart and ego desires, and who promises that he will take care of her and her D forever. She can live and do as she pleases (and date who she pleases, as you have zero idea what she is doing in her real life), and have you to fall back on if she can't find anyone better or more stable or richer or hotter or whatever adjective you want.

 

Honestly, what are the POSITIVES that you are getting from this? Write then down, and then think about if those positives outweigh the worry and fear and anxiety and sadness that you are getting from this unproductive relationship.

 

She's never invited me down there, and I wouldn't just invite myself down. No, I really don't know what she's doing in real life. I know she's always going out on Friday and Saturday nights, I know she won't even stay in one night and just talk to me. If I'm lucky she'll talk to me for 20 minutes when she gets home before she goes to bed. Hell, I'd be more than willing to stay in and talk all night if I can't be with her in person.

I don't know what the positives are anymore. I used to get all giddy when I would talk to her, when she'd call me and wake me up in the morning on her way home from work, or when I'd get a text from her when she'd wake up. I used to love daydreaming about seeing her and showing her around New York, taking her to my haunts, my favorite Italian restaurant, or out for the best pizza in the world. I had already planned the dinner I would cook for her the first night she would stay here, swordfish steaks with shrimp and linguini in a lemon butter sauce, and what I'd cook her for breakfast in bed the next morning, home made Belgian waffles and eggs with my special cappuccino made with frothed white chocolate liquor served on a tray covered in rose petals, and taking her out for a long drive with the top down on the car and a basket packed for a picnic under the lighthouse at Montauk Point with her and her daughter, or midnight fishing off the Long Island Sound.

Now, I think when my phone wasn't working and she couldn't reach me the other day, she didn't remember my email address (which is my first name @ my last name dot com, how hard is that to remember?), but she remembers how much I pay for rent and what my salary is. When I confronted her on that she said that she just remembered it because she couldn't believe the difference is the economy and salaries between NY and AL. Now I think about how I place bets with myself as to whether or not she's going to call or text. I think about how many nights I sat up and waited for her to text me while she was at work which she said she would, but never did.

[waxpoetic]

This is the crap you need to tell her. I'm not talking about the everyday kissy stuff like how awesome she is or how sexy she is which is fine but she could get that from any douche bag in a bar. My GF has guys who randomly slip her notes telling her how beautiful she is.

 

You need to tell her how you feel CURRENTLY which isn't how wonderful she is or how much you care about her but how she is making you feel right now. Just tell her you've noticed a change and ask if anything has changed about how she feels about you. That would even fit nicely in a text.

 

I try to, and she tells me she loves me and changes the subject. She'll tell me that she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it, or if she wasn't thinking about me she wouldn't pick me up little things while she's out shopping. I keep trying to tell her that saying something is one thing, but actions are a whole other matter. It's really easy to SAY "I love you" than it is to actually act like it.

[Lucky_One]

What sort of little things does she pick up for you? When is she planning on giving them to you, since she won't make plans to meet? Or does she just mail them?

[waxpoetic]

What sort of little things does she pick up for you? When is she planning on giving them to you, since she won't make plans to meet? Or does she just mail them?

 

Damned if I know. I'm just going by what she tells me. She doesn't have my address, so she can't mail them to me, and I don't have her address. Twice she called me up to tell me she got something for me, out of the blue, surprisingly enough when I wasn't even expecting a call from her.

[waxpoetic]

So I caved in and called yesterday evening. I called, and she was driving with her mother. She seemed very angry at first, and told me she didn't want to discuss anything in front of her mother, so she told me to call her later in the evening.

Which I did. She was upset, or told me she was upset, and I couldn't tell if if was that I blocked her number from calling and she though we wouldn't speak again, or if she was angry because she felt slighted.

She finally agreed to come out to see me the beginning of September, but then again she said the same thing about July 4th weekend.

I don't think this will ever work. I'm not even sure if I want it to. I mean, I guess I do, but then again I don't. There are just so many things that bother me. Too many things. I think I could look past most of them if she just showed more interest in me. Most of the other things that bother me I'm sure are just my issues that I would deal with.

I want to say that I can make a decision to just break off all contact with her, that I would be fine with that, and sometimes when I sit and think about it I am, but then a while later my convictions all fly out the window. I try to tell myself it's for the best and things would just end badly in the end. Then I start to think about what could have been, and that bothers me. I try not to think about it, but my mind wanders to all the things I would have liked to do with her.

I'm crazy, I know it. I've never even met this girl. When I apologized to her yesterday (foolish move, I know) she asked why bother, I'm only going to do the same thing again in a week. She's probably right.

What do I do? I know I should probably just have a clean break, tell her that I don't want to talk anymore, but then she's just going to think I'm riding the same roller coaster. And then how do I actually keep that up?

I could try and find reasons that I can't talk, or slowly decrease communications, maybe wean myself off of her.

I also think, do I want to get involved with someone that has a child with another man? This means that the other man is always going to be in her life. I don't know, does that make me an ******* or a bad person? And what if she still has feelings for her daughter's father? She says she hates him, but you really can't have that much animosity for someone without having other feelings as well, right?

It's so much easier in a local relationship. It's easier to read peoples emotions when you're face to face, when there's physical contact, when you can look in the other person's eyes.

I just wish I had answers. I wish I knew what the right thing to do was...

[TMichaels]

I met this girl online we started talking through texts and then eventually on the phone. The frequency started to diminish, and now she doesn't text me at all at night anymore. We still talk, I know when she's going to call me, at about 9am for 10-15 minutes, then again about 7:30 for another 10-15 minutes, and then again at about 10:45 for 5-10 minutes, and that's about it....

 

We both have phones with video chat, we both have internet connections (obviously) but I can never get her to agree to a video call. She'll tell me we can arrange something, but unless I bring it up, she never mentions it...

She doesn't have my address, so she can't mail them to me, and I don't have her address...

No, I really don't know what she's doing in real life. I know she's always going out on Friday and Saturday nights, I know she won't even stay in one night and just talk to me...

She used to tell me all the time how she had to meet me and we had to be together and she had to finally be able to kiss me, that doesn't happen anymore...

I asked her back in the beginning of June to come visit me for the July 4th week, she said she would try and get off from work, well, it never happened. Every time I mention it she says we'll meet, but changes the subject...

To complicate matters, she has an 11 month old daughter. She's going to fly out to visit her daughter's father and take her to meet her grandparents the beginning of August. She told me she doesn't want to go, but yet she made sure to find time off to do that.

I've told her how I feel, time and time again. Whenever I bring it up, she changes the subject. I tell her how wonderful I think she is, how much I care about her, and her response is always "that's sweet" or something like that...

It's so much easier in a local relationship. It's easier to read peoples emotions when you're face to face, when there's physical contact, when you can look in the other person's eyes. I just wish I had answers. I wish I knew what the right thing to do was... I'm crazy, I know it. I've never even met this girl.

Huh? Read back over what you wrote. You have all the answers you need but can't see the forest for the trees.

 

For whatever reason (loneliness? boredom? desire to feel loved?) the two of you got into a hot and heavy online relationship and got caught up in the thrill and excitement of it all. But just when one would expect the relationship to advance to the next level if all the feelings, desires have been expressed were genuine, it's come to a screeching halt.

 

Why?

 

Even though you may have spent hours online, texting and talking over the phone, what the two of you've had isn't REAL -- it's fantasy -- and remains so as long as the relationship stays in the "virtual world."

 

NEWS FLASH: When relationships that start off like this, the rubber hits the road when they move to real life (or don't).

 

You are wasting your time "trying to figure this girl out" and wasting your energy on a relationship that's based on nothing but wishful thinking and a lot of unrequited feelings.

 

I can't remember how old you said the two of you are, but it doesn't really matter. The other reason this relationship is unlikely to succeed is that the two of you are in two completely different places in your lives.

 

She's a mother of an 11-month-old child and has experienced a whole different dimension of life that you haven't and has responsibilities that you don't. Nothing wrong with that, but that's not where you are in life. The fact you are questioning whether you could handle a relationship with someone with a child and an ex doesn't make you a bad person -- it actually is one of the few things you've said about this relationship that's based in reality -- and that's a positive thing.

 

Believe me, there are scores of women out there who would be thrilled to have a boyfriend like you who wanted to show her all your favorite NYC haunts, cook her his favorite dinner and surprise her with rose petals and breakfast in bed -- in essence, to treat her like a queen.

 

And, *you* have every right to know the pleasure of "feeling giddy" about being with the girl of your dreams who loves you as much as you do her.

 

I know it's tough to walk away from anything and no one likes to live life wondering "what if?" -- but get serious here. What exactly is it that's so valuable that you're going to lose by walking away from someone who appreciates none of those things and gives you nothing of what you need?

 

If I were you, I'd think long and hard about that. And, once you know what it is you were hoping to find with this girl, go out and find it in real life and get on with yours.

 

All the best,

TMichaels