Is it normal to second guess?

[guiltofone]

Is it normal to second guess yourself when asking for a divorce? I feel that the guilt of feeling like a failure, seeing how much she is hurt, knowing how that my kids will have to endure this, makes me think it is the wrong thing.

 

I have decided that a divorce is the right answer, as I feel we have grown too far apart, I have been unhappy for a long while now, and I am not in love with her any more. There is a realization that, at the very least, I have grown into someone who is incapable of showing real love and everything I have done has been to just try and be what everyone wanted me to be or what I thought was right.

 

I have lied, not been a very good husband, don't have any friends, and am feeling more miserable every day. I would rather cut ties with everything and make the attempt to rebuild my life, the only ties I refuse to cut are those of my children. And their mother as I don't want to lose her as a friend, but that will be up to her. I just know she deserves better than me.

[worldgonewrong]

Sounds like you're sh*t-canning your marriage because you're depressed about yourself.

And not to pick on you, but sometimes when people are depressed they become very self-absorbed. Take a good hard look at what you're doing at the expense of wife & kids before going this route because you're going to leave people in your wake. You hope for an optimistic outcome, but consider the resentment that those people will feel (wife/kids).

[Minnie09]

How about working on yourself instead of trashing your life, marriage and family? You say that you haven't been a good husband. Why don't you try to be a better one then, instead of using the "I'm not happy" excuse? I've heard this so many times it's sickening. M is not always a walk in the park, and if you think your wife can't show you love, maybe it's because how you've been treating her?

 

And yes, it's normal to second guess. Everything else would simply be unnatural. You have responsibilities, you have a history with your wife, there are kids involved. Who wouldn't second guess a decision like that? It's just not enough to say "I'm unhappy" or "I deserve to be happy" or "We make each other miserable". You've got to ask yourself why. If you don't you'll never know if you could have saved the marriage and saved your family from being ripped apart. The why is important. Without it, you'll drag your problems along forever and never be "happy".

[willowthewisp]

I'm not going to give advice, although I totally agree with the above two posters. I am not going to give advice because to be brutually honest, every time someone on here tries to assist a walk away spouse it falls on deaf ears.

 

So observations and answers to your questions on this and your other two threads (which you may have noticed hardly anyone has resonded to, ask yourself why?)

 

1. How can I make this as little upheaval as possible for the children?

A You can't. If you do this, your childrens lives will be changed forever, don't kid yourself on this one.

 

2. Marrige Counselling won't work for me, I know I will shut down under pressure.

O You are a mind reader huh? You know for sure what the outcome is? WOW you should run right out and get a lotto ticket! Amazing ability.

 

3. I would like to know if there is a thread on here to help me get through this and ease my guilt at what I am doing? I need to stay positive about this.

A Yes there are plenty of threads on here from walk aways and spouses who have cheated that will help you self justify what you are doing and ease your guilt. Question - What is the purpose of guilt? What is this emotion there for? What does it help us to understand and achieve?

 

4. I want the mother of my children to stay my friend, how do I achieve that?

A She won't be. You are turing her life completely upside down, breaking her heart and betraying her by making this decision all on your own. You are distrubting and changing her childrens lives forever. Eventually she will find someone new and will continue to raise your children with him as their step father.

 

5. Is it normal to second guess?

A What is the purpose of guilt? What does it teach you? What is it there for? If this was a joint decision after much work on the marriage from both of you, would you feel guilty? Ask yourself, where does the guilt come from?

[willowthewisp]

Hey,

 

I just read your post on the "Curious thoughts" thread. In light of that it appears I may have been too harsh in my above post. May I ask how old you are Guilofone? Only it sounds like you are very depressed and possibly in mid life crisis? In which case, PLEASE do not end your marriage but go and see a doctor!

[guiltofone]

I feel I have let my self get so wrapped up in my emotions and what I think about, that working on me will take a life time. I have become cold and miserable, keep everyone outside of my walls, lying about the things I want out of life and the things I want to give to other people. I want to be alone, I don't share my feelings with people (anonymous internet message boards excluded), I don't want to drag anyone else down with me. I'm sure she would follow me most of the way down, my kids watching it all play out, everyone has been through enough on my account.

 

Minnie09, it's not in me to be a good husband. I am fake, it's all I have ever been, she knows me as a bunch of lies.

 

I used to be very controling and jealous, my mother walked out on my father when I was young. I never saw them fight once, then out of the blue, my mom was "staying over at a friends house". I was always afraid that things would just disappear one day, that it was bound to happen, this was how women operated. I constantly accused her of wanting out, staring at other guys, never really wanting me. I was never phsyically abusive, probably just mentally abusive. Any verbal abuse that came out of my mouth was usually directed at myself. I hated the feeling and began to hate myself even more.

 

I slowly got over the feelings. Started to loosen up, but this was after many years. I started to treat her better, trying to show kindness and respect, but it was very forced, and I never did the things like tell her I thought she was pretty, I never did things like buy her cards and gifts for holidays and special days, I just didn't care to. I have treated her badly and she stuck by it all this time.

 

I feel like I am the most horrible person right now, for the way I have wasted her life, she deserves better and maybe doesn't understand that I am not it. I want to see her happy and in the arms of someone who will give her what she truly deserves. I know she is hurting, but I have to believe that life will be better for her when she gets through this, I'm not even concerned about myself anymore. She told me not to make this choice for her, but how can I not? How can I keep on going like an empty shell for the rest of my life and make her happy? I can't, thats why it needs to stop. For her sake, my childrens sake, and I guess my sake.

[guiltofone]

Willowthewisp, would you like to watch your husbad/father self destruct? That's what is happeneing to me, I'm deep in the trenches here and everything is closing in. My other threads, yeah I get it, no one likes me, no sympathy for the ones who are making this hard decision. Oh, it's such a pleasure cruise to be on, I get to watch everyone suffer while I'm just sitting back and getting ready to enjoy the single life where I will bed every woman I see... When you say "assist" do you mean change their mind? Or do you mean, try to set aside anything that may have happened to you, look at this person and their situation and try to give helpful advice. I get the sense that this is not what goes on here. We are the scum of the earth? We stood up and said I can't do this anymore when no one else would? We knew the out come of the situations we got ourselves into? Hell, if I come through this alive, I may never talk to anyone again just so I don't mess anyone elses life up.

 

I know my kids lives will change. Mine did, I got mindf##ked by own god damn parents! I know what they did wrong, I know where they fell short. I know that if the parents are still commited raising their kids, there is a chance they can come out normal and still understand how to love. That's not wrong for me to want that.

 

Yeah, counseling doesn't work with me. I shut down, I will sit and stare at the wall for my hour, not answering questions becuase I'm too afraid to go inside my own head. No eye contact, look straight ahead, if you get infront of my eyes, they move to the floor. I disengage. I've been there, my mom was quick to suggest therapy to me when she saw the jealous/controlling behavior I was showing to my wife. If I knew the future, I would be a lottery ticket, I dont, I just know myself.

 

If your gonna quote me, don't put extra words in my mouth. I am looking for advice on the proper steps to take to get through this. If that isn't something this community wants to offer people, then there needs to be a big sign on the front door that says something to the effect of, "If you are the one walking away, there is no help for you here. Your kind aren't welcome."

 

To answer your question about guilt, it is there to keep you in check with your morals. But when both, staying and going, feel morally wrong, guilt is unavoidable.

 

Sadly, I will probably lose her as a friend. Maybe I don't deserve her friendship either. It's her decision, not mine. I do hope she finds her happiness with someone else. And if my kids want to call him dad, then this is my loss in life, and another thing I will have to cope with failing at.

 

I just turned 35, yes, I may be deep in a mid life crisis, it doesn't change how I have acted the rest of my life towards her.

[willowthewisp]

Willowthewisp, would you like to watch your husbad/father self destruct? That's what is happeneing to me, I'm deep in the trenches here and everything is closing in. My other threads, yeah I get it, no one likes me, no sympathy for the ones who are making this hard decision. Oh, it's such a pleasure cruise to be on, I get to watch everyone suffer while I'm just sitting back and getting ready to enjoy the single life where I will bed every woman I see... When you say "assist" do you mean change their mind? Or do you mean, try to set aside anything that may have happened to you, look at this person and their situation and try to give helpful advice. I get the sense that this is not what goes on here. We are the scum of the earth? We stood up and said I can't do this anymore when no one else would? We knew the out come of the situations we got ourselves into? Hell, if I come through this alive, I may never talk to anyone again just so I don't mess anyone elses life up.

 

I know my kids lives will change. Mine did, I got mindf##ked by own god damn parents! I know what they did wrong, I know where they fell short. I know that if the parents are still commited raising their kids, there is a chance they can come out normal and still understand how to love. That's not wrong for me to want that.

 

Yeah, counseling doesn't work with me. I shut down, I will sit and stare at the wall for my hour, not answering questions becuase I'm too afraid to go inside my own head. No eye contact, look straight ahead, if you get infront of my eyes, they move to the floor. I disengage. I've been there, my mom was quick to suggest therapy to me when she saw the jealous/controlling behavior I was showing to my wife. If I knew the future, I would be a lottery ticket, I dont, I just know myself.

 

If your gonna quote me, don't put extra words in my mouth. I am looking for advice on the proper steps to take to get through this. If that isn't something this community wants to offer people, then there needs to be a big sign on the front door that says something to the effect of, "If you are the one walking away, there is no help for you here. Your kind aren't welcome."

 

To answer your question about guilt, it is there to keep you in check with your morals. But when both, staying and going, feel morally wrong, guilt is unavoidable.

 

Sadly, I will probably lose her as a friend. Maybe I don't deserve her friendship either. It's her decision, not mine. I do hope she finds her happiness with someone else. And if my kids want to call him dad, then this is my loss in life, and another thing I will have to cope with failing at.

 

I just turned 35, yes, I may be deep in a mid life crisis, it doesn't change how I have acted the rest of my life towards her.

 

Guiltofone,

 

When I said assist I did not mean project what has happened to me onto you. I also noticed you ignored my post were I said I felt I had been too harsh. My point was that almost all of the ones that are leaving do not respond to any advice that contradicts what they want to hear. They come here looking for self justification because they feel guilt. They want someone to tell them "hey, it's OK, you must do what is best for you" to reinforce what they are telling themseleves so that they can find justification for doing what they want. That helps no one, leaver or leavee, all that does is lead us all to repeat the same behaviours over an over. Like I said you will find support here and people who will coddle you and help you do what you have already made up your mind to do. No one said you were not welcome.

 

Each time I respond to a leavers thread I hope they will be the one who will have an open mind a listen to another perspective because many of them end up back here a year or two later regreting their decision.

 

I typed out a whole response to your post talking about the parts I bolded above, but then I realised I was trying to offer a different perspective again to try and help and that is not what you asked for so I will not post again.

 

Also, I don't take too kindly to being attacked and told that I am projecting and putting words in your mouth. I try to be objective and to offer any help or advice I can. I am over what happened to me, have finsihed counselling a long time ago and have moved on, I stay here to "pay my dues" to give back to a community that helped me in my darkest times.

 

I'm sorry you are depressed, I would strongly suggest you see a doctor, I know the feeling well having been sucidal this time last year. Good luck to you with your depression.

Edited July 18, 2011 by willowthewisp

[kino411]

Guiltofone, you don't shutdown with therapy. You are doing therapy right now. Yeah, maybe it is to random people on the Internet, but who's to say a person responding isn't a registered therapist? You recognize that traditional therapy doesn't work with you. So try sticking more with the non-traditional ones (and by that I don't mean self-medicate). Do you think you might open up to a therapist more if it were in a forum or email type setting? One in which you were able to take your time, collect your thoughts, and get them out at your own pace?

 

I can't recommend any "e-therapists", as I've never used them, but a quick Internet search turns up a number of possibilities.

 

Focus on getting yourself together. She's stuck by you for a reason, she probably sees worth in you that you don't see in yourself. She's not wrong, you are worthwhile. She does deserve better though, a better YOU. Hit the reset button on yourself. Start over. Change something major about yourself. Sleep more, or stay up later. Remove some "thing" from your life that you think you might "need" but you know really isn't that important. Start a new hobby. Volunteer. Think about that thing you've always wanted to try, and work towards it.

 

Good luck.

[Kivu]

Something sticks out for me from your posts...you say your wife says she doesn't want you to make the decision for her. I've said those very words myself. What give you the right to tell your wife she's better off without you? Surely she's an adult and can make her own life decisions? She's with you for a reason - she stays with you for a reason - she probably loves you and is worried about you. If she thought her life would be better off without you, she would leave.

 

I think you should stop pretending it's about your wife and how to make her life better.

 

You're depressed, it's obvious through your posts. You think you are crap and your insides are this pit of dispair and you can never be good enough for anybody. So you feel guilty you aren't living up to YOUR OWN expectations of your behaviour, and you are going to go hide and crawl into your shell and feel sorry for yourself. Maybe if you make everyone else go away you will stop feeling guilty about the way you treat them.

 

Please understand, you ARE a worthwhile human being and you ARE doing what you can for the people in your life. You may have a medical problem that you need to see a doctor for - that's why you're feeling this way, why you can't seem to be as good as you want. Like a stroke victim not being able to talk to others, you are kept from being the stellar human being YOU ARE to your wife as a result of your depression.

 

Thankfully depression can be treated, and if you don't like counselling, there are other options. Get yourself to a doctor and try them out!

 

In the meantime I want you to repeat to yourself when you're having one of your bad moments, "This is not the way I really feel. This is the depression talking. I will not feel this way forever." You will know when you have one of your bad moments because you will start feeling hopeless, or worthless, or guilty. Just repeat that, over and over, and see a doctor, and don't throw your family away in the meantime.

 

Best of luck.

[guiltofone]

Keno411, you are right. This is my "therapy" and how I open up. I don't know any of you, which makes it easier for me to expose myself to you all. My wife is angry that I am talking to you people, meanwhile, she talks to people she knows about this situation. I do not have a group of friends I can talk to about this, so it's either here or no where. And I would consider "e-therapy" I have always been better at talking through text or email. I was not aware that such therapy existed, but I will look into it, thanks.

 

Kevu, I don't have the right to tell her anything. But I know that someone CAN give her the things she says are missing from me. I know someone CAN treat her how she feels she should be. That person isn't me, maybe it never was me.

 

Many people have used the phrase "not in love with you anymore" and that is exactly how I feel. Whether you think it is a crappy reason or not. The fact of the matter is, I would rather live my life without her as my companion anymore. And the things she feels that were lacking from me all these years are just going to feel worse now if we continue on. I will grow to resent her and it can turn really ugly.

 

I have noticed that people are quick to say, its just a phase, or you'll get over it, or it's normal to not feel that anymore. But if you aren't married yet and you say you don't think you're in love or don't feel "that" everyone is quick to say don't get married, you won't make it. I am that person, I got married for the wrong reasons, I was not "in love" with her then, I was a kid who was happy to be with someone and didn't want to lose her, I am a very loyal person and will often set aside my own needs and wants to do what I think is "right". I feel this is why I have been here for so long.

 

This is the point I feel my wife is missing. She seems to think that if I can fix myself that I will still be in love with her, or at least just sit by and be loyal and suffer in silence till the end of my days.

 

Would any of your feelings change if I said I had cheated on her? If I had "fallen in love" with someone else? Is this the kind of thing a person needs to hear? If so, why? Why isn't it enough to say things need to end becuase this isn't right anymore? Why should it have to be such an end that there is hate? Maybe it's easier to go on that way I suppose.

[kino411]

Life is too short to be unhappy. It is unfortunate that you married for the sake of convenience (though there are many that marry for far worse reasons).

 

It's sounding like at least on of your causes for being depressed is a loveless marriage. Do you think you would be in a better state if you had never gotten married. Remove your wife from that thought, pretend like she was never born. If you were single, would you be happier right now?

 

There are most likely other causes for your depression too, but I just wanted you to try a mind exercise. No need for you to answer the question to us.

[robf1971]

She seems to think that if I can fix myself that I will still be in love with her, .

 

She might be right, she might not...

[robf1971]

And if my kids want to call him dad, then this is my loss in life, and another thing I will have to cope with failing at.

 

 

Unbelievable!! You have no idea how you will feel about this in 5 years time.

[guiltofone]

Kino411, I'll answer it, not a big deal. It helps to put it in writing. This is a tough question, if you're asking all or nothing, at this point I might have to answer nothing. I would choose to have never gotten married. This is not to say that I don't appreciate many of the things we have done, I do have 2 great kids that I love.

 

robf1971, thats part of my point. If I am such a head case, it could be years, if ever, until I am "better". Right now, I would rather end the marriage, hope she can move on, and let me start healing myself.

 

Maybe the "dad" bit was said a little more for dramatics, I don't think this would ever happen. I would fight for the love of my children, and they are too old to learn or want to call someone else "dad". Never the less, I would hope they respect the new person, and I hope that I could too.

[KathyM]

Is it normal to second guess yourself when asking for a divorce? I feel that the guilt of feeling like a failure, seeing how much she is hurt, knowing how that my kids will have to endure this, makes me think it is the wrong thing.

 

I have decided that a divorce is the right answer, as I feel we have grown too far apart, I have been unhappy for a long while now, and I am not in love with her any more. There is a realization that, at the very least, I have grown into someone who is incapable of showing real love and everything I have done has been to just try and be what everyone wanted me to be or what I thought was right.

 

I have lied, not been a very good husband, don't have any friends, and am feeling more miserable every day. I would rather cut ties with everything and make the attempt to rebuild my life, the only ties I refuse to cut are those of my children. And their mother as I don't want to lose her as a friend, but that will be up to her. I just know she deserves better than me.

If you have not been unfaithful, then I hope you will reconsider leaving the marriage. No marriage is beyond hope if you have both remained faithful to each other. Love is a feeling that comes and goes throughout the marriage. You can build it back if you are willing to work at it. Please consider going to marriage counseling. Maybe you haven't been a good husband, but you can change if you are motivated enough. It's worth a try. Of course, if there has been infidelity involved, then all bets are off, and it's time to leave.

[guiltofone]

KathyM, for the sake of argument, lets say there is infidelity. When you say all bets are off, are you assuming she would think that there is no way to work through that. Or are you saying as a man, I should leave because I have done that.

[KathyM]

KathyM, for the sake of argument, lets say there is infidelity. When you say all bets are off, are you assuming she would think that there is no way to work through that. Or are you saying as a man, I should leave because I have done that.

If you have been unfaithful and are no longer in love with her, and are not interested in trying to rebuild the marriage, then I suggest you leave. If you would consider working on the marriage, then you owe her the choice. Be honest with her about the infidelity if you haven't already done so. Tell her you are deeply sorry for it, and that if she would consider forgiving you and going to counseling to work on your marriage, that would be your desire (assuming that is your desire).

[blueskyahead]

If you have been unfaithful and are no longer in love with her, and are not interested in trying to rebuild the marriage, then I suggest you leave. If you would consider working on the marriage, then you owe her the choice. Be honest with her about the infidelity if you haven't already done so. Tell her you are deeply sorry for it, and that if she would consider forgiving you and going to counseling to work on your marriage, that would be your desire (assuming that is your desire).

 

He seems to need to work on himself. First and foremost, if you haven't already done so, tell your wife. She deserves that. She deserves to choose to stay or go.

 

He has come here to be comforted. Someone to tell him it's ok to leave the marriage. Notice he didn't bring up the infidelity at first?

 

Are you still having an affair and does this have anything to do with wanting to leave your family now? If so, re-read your original post. All these excuses you gave originally is just that, excuses to make yourself feel better for choosing to leave your family behind for the OW. i am just assuming this so if I'm wrong the sorry dude. If I am right and you are here to be coddled, sorry to tell you but, my friend you probably won't get it here.

[kino411]

Was there infidelity involved? I took his response "for the sake of argument" to be purely hypothetical. From his other responses, he seems to raise the question on whether or not it is ok to leave the marriage, or does leaving require infidelity?

 

I'd say it doesn't require infidelity. I also think that a marriage can survive infidelity. It just depends on the individuals and how they feel for each other at the time, along with where they want to be in the future. If one person can't stand to be without the other, that person will put up with a lot of crap (for better or worse). What we all hope for is a more even relationship where both parties love each other, and give and take the same. But not all (probably not even most) relationships are like that.

[guiltofone]

At this point it's a hypothetical question. I think I'm just lost in my head and my life and my lies. I have told my wife that I am no longer in love with her, that I do not want to continue to co-exsist as room mates. We no longer touch each other or anything. The tension grows, I'm not a fighter, I just get quiet and distant. Soon everyone will be aware and I don't know what to do anymore. No where to go, not sure what to do, no money... FML. It's times like these that I wish I never existed.

 

I started therpay this last saturday... we'll see how that goes. Maybe drugs will numb the mind and the pain. Make life easier to deal with in the short term.

[hopesndreams]

Is it normal to second guess yourself when asking for a divorce? I feel that the guilt of feeling like a failure, seeing how much she is hurt, knowing how that my kids will have to endure this, makes me think it is the wrong thing.

 

I have decided that a divorce is the right answer, as I feel we have grown too far apart, I have been unhappy for a long while now, and I am not in love with her any more. There is a realization that, at the very least, I have grown into someone who is incapable of showing real love and everything I have done has been to just try and be what everyone wanted me to be or what I thought was right.

 

I have lied, not been a very good husband, don't have any friends, and am feeling more miserable every day. I would rather cut ties with everything and make the attempt to rebuild my life, the only ties I refuse to cut are those of my children. And their mother as I don't want to lose her as a friend, but that will be up to her. I just know she deserves better than me.

 

 

Do her a HUGE favor and do not be her friend.

 

Your immaturity and selfishness is shameful.

[itllgetbetter]

I think if you want accurate advice, you need to provide ALL the facts. For example, you say below that the the infidelity question you posed was hypothetical. However, was it an EA (emotional affair)? I ask that because you state in another thread that you were confiding in a female friend who's told you you need to look for support elsewhere. Did she do that because she's attracted to you and would prefer that you bust up your M but doesn't want you to ever say that she's the one who suggested it? You also ask in a 3rd thread about the concept of "soul mates". So, "yes" or "no" to the EA??

 

You state in another thread: "The end result may still be that leaving is needed, but at least she and I will know that I took steps to deal with it". Really?????? What steps have you taken to "deal with it"? It doesn't sound as if you've done anything but spend your time convincing yourself that the M needs to end.

 

It sounds as if you're infatuated with another woman (ie., perhaps the one you've been going to for advice??) and gave up on your W and are trying to justify your decision to end the marriage.

 

You state that you haven't been a good husband. Why is that?

 

You state that you have no friends. Why is that?

 

You say you'd prefer to leave the M and rebuild your life. Whatever issues you have in your current M will arise in your new relationship within a few years. You'd simply be exchanging one set of problems for the same problems down the line. So, why throw in the towel on this one instead of working on it?

 

Why is it that you can't work on yourself while remaining M? Sounds like you've got a W who's loyal (gosh, that must be terrible!!) and loves you (the horror!), despite your acknowledgment that you haven't been a good H, have no friends, etc.

 

And why is it easier to rebuild your life and hopefully make some friends when you're not M?

 

It sounds as if you're doing everything you can to end the M while your blameless W (you've given no facts to the contrary) is doing everything she can to save it.

 

I can't overemphasize how selfish you're being!!!

 

Advice: stick with your W and kids, work on the M, develope some friendships - with men, not women, especially in your state of being in an unhappy M. If you and your wife have the time, read "the Five Love Languages" - it's a short easy read and may be helpful in rebuilding your M. BUT, you need to want to do that, so, your attitude towards your M, W and family MUST change - your wife can't do all the work.

[psionyx]

If you have not been unfaithful, then I hope you will reconsider leaving the marriage.

 

I agree with the idea of trying to keep the marriage intact, but I think there is a dangerous generalization embedded here. You are implying that the only legitimate cause for leaving a marriage is infidelity. Would you agree that all too often both men and women use affairs as an "excuse" to get out of a marriage? If there is no other recourse, and the marriage must end, would it not be far better to do so honorably? I am afraid that what you're saying promotes the idea of using infidelity as the only way to leave a marriage, when in fact it's probably the worst way of doing so (as the hundreds of stories on this site prove).

[guiltofone]

It's not an EA, on my part at least. I have not led the OW to believe that I have any interest in her in that way. I assumed it was a draining topic, and typically what or conversations were turning to. We have been friends for about a year, light flirting on her part but , but mostly just friendly conversation at work and texting out side of work. And I have read, that for a man, confiding in another woman about your own relationship problems is a big no no. I'm not good at picking up signals from people like this, I could only tell you 1 time in all my life where I knew a girl was hiting on me. This was durring my marriage and my response to her when she asked me out for drinks was, oh! then I flashed her the ring and said I am married.

 

The question about soul mates was for informational purposes. I would have sworn to you when I met my wife that we were "soul mates", I just wondered what other people thought about this concept. I have also read about the "stages of love" and that this was probably a result of the "honeymoon phase".

 

I started therapy, at her request, this last Saturday. I think she wants me to see someone who will "fix" my problem, she swears it's a mid life crisis. I don't feel that it is. I guess it doesn't count as doing anything, seeing as how I am not looking to sit in therapy for who knows how long trying to fall in love again with her. if that is even possible to force.

 

During one of the "talks" about ending the marriage, she had expressed that she had always waited for me to do things that showed her I really loved her. I never really was good at buying gifts and cards for holidays and birthdays. I never really told her she was pretty or things people like to hear. I just never felt compelled to do those things.

 

I don't have many friends, again, something she always felt was "off" about me. I am not a social person, i don't do well with conversation when it's face to face. I have a few friends, none that I ever really confide in. I don't talk about my problems or emotions, i try to handle it all and keep it in check. Even this, I tried to suppress, maybe it's all becoming too much to handle.

 

The idea is not to leave the M and start a new relationship with anyone. I see my short comings in this arena, and have a lot of internal work that needs to be done. I have a lot of things in my life I need to figure out and it could take a long time to do them. I like the idea of being alone, maybe it's not for you, but I feel this is what i need.

 

I can't stay and work on myself. It's hard to explain this to anyone and have them understand. I feel helpless to do anything for myself when I am around anyone. I can't think or focus with other people. I need the alone time. Especially now that I have said anything about being out of love. Home feels 1000 times more tense, I used to be able to go for walks by myself, I have stopped. I used to go to the gym by myself, I have stopped. I feel like stranger now. Wondering what people are thinking when I get up and go into the kitchen or bathroom. And I'm not interested in making new friends.

 

Yes, I want to end my marriage. If it's being selfish, then fine. I am not asking to cut everyone from my life, just to cut the relationship between me and my wife. I don't love her anymore, why is this so difficult to understand. That's life. It can be real ****ty sometimes. Whats wrong with saying that this relationship has run its course, recognizing this before it gets to something really ugly, and making the best effort to do this the right way? I have not just packed and left.

 

And if any of you have been burned by someone, I'm sorry. But I would have no problem remaining her friend. Yeah, im bad as a husband, but I have been good as a friend. If she couldn't get over it, then that will hurt me deeply, I want her to be happy. If that means we won't be friends, then so be it.