melenkurion Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I've not been doing so badly I think, on the whole, most of the time. However: my "wedding" anniversary is coming up, and I can't say I am looking forward to that. I'm annoyed with myself that I still care. My ex left in October, that feels a long time away in many ways. I remember our wedding day vividly: he seemed so happy, he was overcome with emotion and cried with happiness. I was so happy. He told me twice on that day that he was with me forever. It's three years ago now, and of course my head accepts that things change, people change, nothing is necessarily forever with fallible human beings. He cheated and left me for another guy. Those words he said meant nothing, in the end. The emotions he felt on that day were transitory. Two years later and he was sleeping with my friend in our house. I suppose with me I find dates important, I sort of mark them off in my head. Anniversaries seem to matter to me, for good or for ill. They form a kind of rhythm to my year. It's silly that this is going to be a bad day. It's just a day like any other. For whatever reason, I can't smile and look back and the happiness I felt then as I can with other happy memories. Mind you, this is the last "tricky day", I think, apart from the one year anniversary of uncovering the affair. This time next year, with a bit of luck and some more work I won't feel anything. I feel I should be doing better? I had thought I'd be almost totally over it by now, back in October. Link to post Share on other sites
giuliano-3 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Anniversaries can be tough, but you're doing well. I thought I'd be 100 percent through with thinking about my ex after a year, but we all heal at our own pace I guess. No timetables here, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Melenkurion- I think you should treat for yourself, when the day comes. Even if its just something small, doesn't have to be expensive or anything. I was dreading the anniversary of my own breakup, but I tried to think of it as just another day. Once it passes you should feel a bit better knowing the days over. I hope this helps? Link to post Share on other sites
chloe56 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Hey, sending lots of hugs your way, you are strong, and lets make the rest of the year memorable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Thanks all! giuliano-3: The "no timetables" thing is important, I need to be easier on myself with that. If I had any other kind of illness I'd just think the healing takes as long as it takes. As long as I was not doing anything to make it take longer, I'd not get annoyed with myself for healing too slowly. Sugarkane: Thanks, that's a good idea. I was trying to work out how to play it. If I made too much of it, then I'm in danger of making it worse than it needs be. But if I don't do anything, I'll probably get the blues. A cinema trip sounds about the right sort of level of treat, perhaps. I'm pretty good at immersing myself in the story. I just have to get past this one day, and then the breakup anniversary and I have done a full year. Already I know that I am on the whole happier this year than I was a year ago. Constantly hanging around socially with the Other Guy --- my ex included him in every one of our plans, he even turned up for a day when we were on holiday --- that was starting to upset me an awful lot. I just have to think of the fact that I am happier now, and it helps me get through things. chloe56: Thanks! I have found I am stronger than I thought. I really couldn't see how I was going to get through this, back in October. I thought I had no reserves of strength whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 And then something happens that puts my stuff in perspective... I've had a friend who has helped me such a lot these last few months. His mother has just been diagnosed with bowel cancer, and the prognosis is poor. This anniversary doesn't feel like a big thing any longer. I'm lucky in so many ways, and I need to realise that. Link to post Share on other sites
chloe56 Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Hey, how are you holding up? Hope the day went by relatively uneventfully? Lots of hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 Hey Chloe... It's a couple of days away yet. I think I will be OK, actually. I felt sad about it all when I wrote that post, but now it's less on my radar than it was then. I will be fine, in the end. Even if I end up getting a bit teary-eyed at some point, once it's done, it's done. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 I remember when the anniversary of my ex and I would come and I'd feel weird. But for years now, it passes and I only realize it after. The day means nothing to me anymore. This will be the case for you one day. Chin up; its just another day in the life and life is always changing. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Hey mel, it's good to hear from you. Were you able to make plans for that day or are you still thinking of something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 sally4sara: That's good to know, that with time it'll be just another day. 0hpenelope: I am trying to do something small as a treat, but not mark the day as particularly special. I'm going to go to work, for example. A friend has suggested going for a meal, but I did do that every day for the last few years so that might be a trigger. I want to go to the cinema... Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 My wedding anniversary is coming up too-and my car is booked in to mend a bump- finance (or lack of it), concentrates the mind wonderfully! Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 0hpenelope: I am trying to do something small as a treat, but not mark the day as particularly special. I'm going to go to work, for example. A friend has suggested going for a meal, but I did do that every day for the last few years so that might be a trigger. I want to go to the cinema... That sounds so lovely! I really enjoy watching movies. What are you thinking of watching? (HINT: It better be a comedy! I kid, mel.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 heh, it's actually gonna be Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part II. I'm guessing that installment won't have a great deal in the way of laughs , but I will enjoy it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 I dunno if this is a sign of letting go, or a sign of being slightly bonkers. But I burned his love letters yesterday. I also burned a good few of the wedding cards. It seemed fitting. Couldn't quite bring myself to torch the wedding album. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Weirdly, I seem to be feeling "it" more the day after the wedding anniversary than I did the day itself. I suppose because yesterday I was slightly sad, but mostly OK, and I dunno, sadness seems to be inevitably followed by anger. Ah well. Maybe recognising that being down leads to anger is going to help with letting go of the anger. Also, I suppose I was putting some effort into holding myself together yesterday. Something has to give . It's less than it was a month ago, and considerably less than it was three months ago. I wish this process was a bit less incremental for me but it takes as long it takes. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Weirdly, I seem to be feeling "it" more the day after the wedding anniversary than I did the day itself. I suppose because yesterday I was slightly sad, but mostly OK, and I dunno, sadness seems to be inevitably followed by anger. Ah well. Maybe recognising that being down leads to anger is going to help with letting go of the anger. Also, I suppose I was putting some effort into holding myself together yesterday. Something has to give . It's less than it was a month ago, and considerably less than it was three months ago. I wish this process was a bit less incremental for me but it takes as long it takes. I can relate to the process being incremental. It just seems. So. Slow. It's frustrating. Then in the end, I just take a step back and be grateful for not getting in touch w/ him, not having begged/pleaded more than what was "needed" (there's some leeway, I think, during the 1st week or 2 after the break up), and just dealing w/ the pain and all of those feelings that go along w/ healing as I move forward. It sounds like you've been doing something similar to what I've been. Did you get to watch the movie yet? Link to post Share on other sites
chloe56 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Hey, hope you did watch the film, how was it? (I am not a Potter fan, only saw the very first one by mistake), you could see Thor, apparently there are some very cute guys in it I suppose the passing of the anniversary is another chapter closed in our life, unfortunately it brings bitter-sweet memories that will hopefully fade in time. Sending you lots of love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 0hpenelope: yup, same here. I didn't beg or plead in the first week, I didn't have the chance. He vanished off to his mum's and refused contact with me. I didn't pester him. We met up after we got back, and he told me it was over. I stated my case. I didn't beg, I didn't plead when I saw him, I stated my case and I did it calmly. I just said I thought we could save what we had, if he wanted to save it. Meh. He told his friend later that he lost respect for me for stating my case. He'd have respected me more if I hated him. He must think I'm bloody Superman now, then. As a scientist, I wish I could work out the trick that means this has been (AFAIK) easier on him than it was on me. The usual explanation is that he was doing his grieving for the relationship long before I realised it. I don't know, however. He hid it pretty well if he was grieving. I think there is some frame of mind, some way of thinking that makes it far easier to accept stuff. If I could frame the event the same way has done, maybe I'd move on as quickly as he did? It sounds so easy: it's the same event for both of us, a significant loss. I suppose the other explanation is that the excitement of the limerance he feels with the guy he left me for, that overwhelms any feelings he has over our relationship. By the time the honeymoon phase has calmed down for him, he's healed. Chloe: Thanks! I enjoyed the film :-) I should have gone to see Thor, but it's not showing in any cinemas near me any more. Maybe go for GI Joe! I'm glad I've survived the anniversary. It's stirred up a bit more than I thought it would. I sometimes write crazy messages to him that I don't send, but I hadn't done it in two months, however I wrote one every day for the last three days. Never mind. It will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 0hpenelope: yup, same here. I didn't beg or plead in the first week, I didn't have the chance. He vanished off to his mum's and refused contact with me. I didn't pester him. We met up after we got back, and he told me it was over. I stated my case. I didn't beg, I didn't plead when I saw him, I stated my case and I did it calmly. I just said I thought we could save what we had, if he wanted to save it. Meh. He told his friend later that he lost respect for me for stating my case. He'd have respected me more if I hated him. He must think I'm bloody Superman now, then. As a scientist, I wish I could work out the trick that means this has been (AFAIK) easier on him than it was on me. The usual explanation is that he was doing his grieving for the relationship long before I realised it. I don't know, however. He hid it pretty well if he was grieving. I think there is some frame of mind, some way of thinking that makes it far easier to accept stuff. If I could frame the event the same way has done, maybe I'd move on as quickly as he did? It sounds so easy: it's the same event for both of us, a significant loss. I suppose the other explanation is that the excitement of the limerance he feels with the guy he left me for, that overwhelms any feelings he has over our relationship. By the time the honeymoon phase has calmed down for him, he's healed. You... you're a scientist!? I have a BS in Bio and I'm starting my Public Health program in the fall! Science lovers, unite! I see the words "logic" and "fact" and "reason" on LS and I have to take a step back to remind myself that the context is different here, though the definition remains the same. I do cringe from time to time when I see it, but I'm not such a stickler for using the terminologies according to the definitions. ...What? He said that to a friend? It's easy for him to say such things because he's in a place where he can be so dismissive, but you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't prolong the period of time where you "stated your case" and it's so irritating because you didn't beg at all! I did the whole begging/pleading thing but not for too long. It's normal! That's normal to try to talk about the decision w/ the "dumper" and that there might be something to save there. You didn't keep at it weeks, months afterwards with texts, e-mails, phone calls like I see so many do on LS, in real life (best example's on my sig) and in other forums I visit. Then I'd be able to understand why your ex lost respect for you, but really? C'mon! What a jerk. I mean it. He's a jerk. He'd rather you hated him? So he recognizes that he did something wrong in choosing to be hated by you. Ugh. Draw me a road map of this guy's thinking and I still think I'd end up going around in circles. You know, the other guy can have him. Seriously. Your ex is his problem now and for you, I think events are still fairly recent so healing feels like a slow crawl. It's slow, but there's progress. It'd be different if it were a "two steps forward, 5 steps back" sort of deal and I'd rather have "two steps forward, no step back." I give myself at least a year in order to start really losing sentimental attachment and I credit NC for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melenkurion Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 I suppose these days I am more an engineer than a scientist. My BSc was in Maths/Physics. I wish I knew a lot more about Bio, it fascinates me now. Thanks for what you said. I really don't think I did do anything wrong in the early breakup days. And we are, you know, legally bound to each other. It took me about six weeks before I decided I didn't want him back (an example of the "sunk cost fallacy", I suppose). My ex is very definitely the Other Guy's problem now, they are truly welcome to each other. I wish I could say I was indifferent. My mark of healing is the day I can see them walk down the street hand-in-hand and just not feel anything. I'm still nowhere near that point yet! It bugs me that I still occasionally compose the emails and the texts. I've just never sent any of them. He'd rather you hated him? Just before our wedding my ex switched jobs. I was glad he did that, because he was getting a reputation as a dragon. More junior stuff were getting to be scared of him, and he absolutely loved that. I didn't much like the way he was becoming, because he wasn't great at leaving that stuff at work. Besides, respect isn't about instilling fear in those one rung down the tree. This weekend I got a very apologetic message from his old boss. I got the impression she was feeling very guilty, but she told me that she had invited them round for that evening. It's apparently the first time she has even seen him since we broke up. I've seen her loads of times since then, in plenty of different places. She's been to see shows I've been in a couple of times. I'm inclined to believe her: she had no reason to even tell me she was seeing them at all, I would have been none the wiser. I suspect the reason they aren't seeing so much of each other is that she has been in my situation before, so I think my ex may have found it hard to be around her. But you're right, we are making progress, 0hpenelope. It's slow, and I wish it were faster, but we are patient folk! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts