Silent Heart Song Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 My husband was unfaithful. We have been married for 4 years, together for 8. I went out of town for three days and he took a female friend out to dinner for her birthday. He bought dinner and drinks, then went back to her apartment. They drank wine and vodka and watched a movie. She invited him to watch another movie in her bed. They touched and kissed and since he was too drunk to get an erection she went down on him until he was hard and then got on top of him. She was also in a committed relationship, but is no longer due to the infidelity. He insisted it happened because he was drunk, but I see the deception occurring at taking her out to dinner-knowing that it would bother me if he went on a date with another woman. he admits -to finding her attractive -to liking the flirtatious attention -to thinking he was entitled to go out with a friend -to having no intentions of having sex that night He is asking for my forgiveness, and is ashamed of himself. I do love him and prior to this our love was a fairytale story. He told me a week after it happened once I had returned from my brief trip. He had lied about using a condom, but after the OW's boyfriend called me and told me they had not used one I confronted him with the information and proceeded to get tested. I have trust issues. I can not understand why he would cheat, and he doesn't seem to know himself. We had an active sex life, and had a seemingly good relationship. He says that he loves me and wants to be married to me. Why would he cheat? Just to see what it would be like? I don't understand at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Richard Friedman Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Because she was hot enough and she was into him. He knew what was probably gonna go down as soon as she invited him to her place, and he drove her there hoping for it. If he tells you it was because he was drunk then he's just insulting your intelligence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 drunk = truth serum An active sex life has no bearing on 'happenis', the affliction of the happily wandering penis. A man (or woman) must choose to be monogamous. He failed. Make a MC appointment for next week with someone specializing in infidelity. Invite him to join you. If he wants to stay M, I hope he does. Who knows what other ports of call his happenis has found. It all seemed too easy. Familiar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chill123 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 My husband was unfaithful. We have been married for 4 years, together for 8. I went out of town for three days and he took a female friend out to dinner for her birthday. He bought dinner and drinks, then went back to her apartment. They drank wine and vodka and watched a movie. She invited him to watch another movie in her bed. They touched and kissed and since he was too drunk to get an erection she went down on him until he was hard and then got on top of him. She was also in a committed relationship, but is no longer due to the infidelity. He insisted it happened because he was drunk, but I see the deception occurring at taking her out to dinner-knowing that it would bother me if he went on a date with another woman. he admits -to finding her attractive -to liking the flirtatious attention -to thinking he was entitled to go out with a friend -to having no intentions of having sex that night He is asking for my forgiveness, and is ashamed of himself. I do love him and prior to this our love was a fairytale story. He told me a week after it happened once I had returned from my brief trip. He had lied about using a condom, but after the OW's boyfriend called me and told me they had not used one I confronted him with the information and proceeded to get tested. I have trust issues. I can not understand why he would cheat, and he doesn't seem to know himself. We had an active sex life, and had a seemingly good relationship. He says that he loves me and wants to be married to me. Why would he cheat? Just to see what it would be like? I don't understand at all. How can you trust him? if he truly loved you and wanted to be married with you then he would NEVER have thought about cheating on you. Im a very honest and trust worthy guy and i know i would never cheat on my girlfriend EVER. Plus imagine if this was you.. would he forgive you for doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I don't think this was irrational. I think your husband was quite rational. He went out with her knowing that there was a chance that someone who was already a known cheater would be open to cheating. Think about it. He had to make a whole series of decisions along the way for this to have happened. He had to go out with her when you were away, he went back to her place, he agreed to watch movies with her in her bed (!!), he kissed her, she kissed him, she got his clothes off, he took her clothes off, he probably kissed her all over her body and vice versa. He made many, many decisions that night. There were various points along the way he could have stopped this from happening, but CHOSE not to. I'm confused about the discovery of the infidelity. Did he tell you himself? Or, did the OW's boyfriend tell you about it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 He knew full well what the potential outcome of this 'dinner' was. He isn't nearly as innocent as he claims to be. Are you sure this is the only time he has cheated? You say he confessed, why did he confess? Did the OW get found out and was her boyfriend going to tell you anyway? The lying about the condom is an indication that you do not have the full truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Because she was hot enough and she was into him. Agree with this. Put a hot enough woman in front of any man and even the strongest willed man will have to think twice about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silent Heart Song Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Are you sure this is the only time he has cheated? You say he confessed, why did he confess? Did the OW get found out and was her boyfriend going to tell you anyway? The lying about the condom is an indication that you do not have the full truth. This is the only time he has cheated, he said that he confessed because he felt guilty. It is possible that the OW's boyfriend would have contacted me anyway, but to my knowledge she only told him because she found out that my husband had told me. I agree about the lack of full truth..that has been a huge point of contention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silent Heart Song Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 I don't think this was irrational. I think your husband was quite rational. He went out with her knowing that there was a chance that someone who was already a known cheater would be open to cheating. Think about it. He had to make a whole series of decisions along the way for this to have happened. He had to go out with her when you were away, he went back to her place, he agreed to watch movies with her in her bed (!!), he kissed her, she kissed him, she got his clothes off, he took her clothes off, he probably kissed her all over her body and vice versa. He made many, many decisions that night. There were various points along the way he could have stopped this from happening, but CHOSE not to. I'm confused about the discovery of the infidelity. Did he tell you himself? Or, did the OW's boyfriend tell you about it? I agree 100% with everything you said. He told me about the infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Glinda Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Please understand that this was all pre-planned. Your H knew before you left that her birthday was coming up. He also knew before you left that you would not agree to him meeting her alone for a birthday celebration, much less anything that happened afterwards. He went knowing you wouldn't approve. He also went knowing that something might happen. It wasn't a mistake. It was done with much forethought and disregard to you, your feelings and your marriage vows. You can try marriage counseling, but that will solve only part of the equation, your marriage. He should get individual counseling to figure out why he made the choice to disrespect you. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 -to having no intentions of having sex that night I would press the hell out of this claim. I bet he'd thought about it, fantasized about it, wished for it....but "intended" to resist temptation in the moment. But he walked right into the known temptation, nevertheless. What exactly did he intend? I'm so sorry. I don't know if I could ever get over it And I disagree that any man would cheat when faced with a hot enough, willing woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 She was also in a committed relationship, but is no longer due to the infidelity. Yep, you need to be thinking along the same lines. If you take him back he's suffering ZERO consequences for his choices. Kick him out, let him walk over broken glass to get you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silent Heart Song Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Plus imagine if this was you.. would he forgive you for doing it? I told him that I was horrified, and that I want him to treat me the way he wants to be treated..and that based on that he has opened the door for me to be with another man.. I asked him how he would feel if I accepted a dinner invitation with another man and didn't tell him..and then asked how he would feel if I proceeded to get into bed with him.. I am disgusted and saddened. That his decisions that night were his choice, there was no gun to his head..and he decided that being with another woman was a better choice then being an honorable person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silent Heart Song Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 I would press the hell out of this claim. I bet he'd thought about it, fantasized about it, wished for it....but "intended" to resist temptation in the moment. But he walked right into the known temptation, nevertheless. What exactly did he intend? I'm so sorry. I don't know if I could ever get over it And I disagree that any man would cheat when faced with a hot enough, willing woman. He claims that his intention was to go get dinner with a friend, she had been a mutual friend and for some reason he thought it would be okay. I think he thought she was attractive, but did not know it was mutual. I asked what his expectation of the night was, and he said it wasn't what he was expecting...I am still unclear on this. I asked once the kissing etc started...what he expected, and it sounds like he expected wild crazy sex..but ended up with a limp dick followed by really drunk unmemorable sex...which he later regretted.. I never thought he would be someone who would cheat..he isn't a "ladies man" and I almost think he wanted to prove that he was still desirable by someone else..He said he felt manipulated. He did have a bit of a drinking problem, unable to moderate himself. I threatened to leave him unless he stopped drinking, and he has stopped. But I have the issue that he went into a situation and allowed it to happen...he easily at any time could have said, "stop"...but he didn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 what a horrid situation, and giving you permission to sleep with another man, how kind of him! It seems to me he has no idea how he has ruined your marriage to offer such a thing. Sorry for your pain, SHS You may want to post in the infidelity forum on advice what to do next. I read using the new threads link and see all forums at once but it seems many others suggest to go to specific subforums to get the attention of similarly experienced people. Link to post Share on other sites
omgitsdonna Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Men are animals and are managed by their instincts. You should understand that 8 years together is a lot and your relationships had to be refreshed. This emotional situation should make your relationships stronger and you should learn a lesson: NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND ALONE:) OR LEAVE HIM ALONE TO HAVE FUN FOR ONE NIGHT. It's up to you! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silent Heart Song Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Here in lies the rub. He knew what he wanted from the situation. He knew how he felt about her before he even went. He chose not to communicate with you about those feelings and deliberately hid those feelings from you. He not only allowed it, he set it up. He could have backed out at anytime, he made the decision not to. He made the decision to expose you to potentially life threatening diseases. He choose. Now what do you want to do in reaction to his choices. I believe the reason he told you is because her SO was going to tell you. He would not have told you if he thought there was no way of you finding out. Unfortunately, we see it all the time on here. Cover my own azz to keep from dealing with the fallout; all under the guise of "protecting the BS". That is an incredibly powerful statement. I appreciate it. I don't know what to do. I do love him, but I do not trust him- I know that sounds upsurd but I suppose I love the man I know, but am scared of the man inside of him that I never knew existed. Link to post Share on other sites
Glinda Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 That his decisions that night were his choice, there was no gun to his head..and he decided that being with another woman was a better choice then being an honorable person.Yes. This is why he needs individual counseling before attempts at reconciliation. You in the meantime need to decide if trust can be rebuilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silent Heart Song Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 what a horrid situation, and giving you permission to sleep with another man, how kind of him! He did not give me permission to have an affair, I simply stated to him that based on treating others the way one would like to be treated, he has not set up a good situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silent Heart Song Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Don't let fear be your motivating factor. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Love doesn't mean that it is healthy. Question.....how do you think you would feel if your test had come back with something that there is no cure for? That is the question that I could not get out of my head. I really don't know, and I am relieved that it is not the case. He got lucky..but that doesn't change the fact that he had unprotected sex with a woman who he did know well...and only after the fact did they have a conversation about her being on birth control. It is incredibly shameful, and he admits to that. He lied about using a condom because he felt so incredibly guilty about it. To me he sounded like a scared child covering up spilled milk with black ink. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silent Heart Song Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 I know the conversation all to well. But this situation isn't like a child. He took his life and yours into his hands...that has long term effects. What do you want to do? I feel sad, and betrayed..horrified and disgusted. I am undecided on what to do. It is that aspect of the situation that is unforgettable, and he has showed remorse. I have cried and screamed over the fact that not only broke my heart but put my life in jeopardy over his selfish needs. I have asked him for a letter with an explanation, and an apology. I am being generous with my offer to continue my marriage, but only under the condition that he do some serious emotional work. Because of his deception, I have contacted the OW asking for her side of the story. Since it was just the two of them, she is the only other person who knows what happened. I told her what he had told me, and am hoping she will provide information to clarify the situation. She has nothing to lose, so I am expecting honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I feel sad, and betrayed..horrified and disgusted. I am undecided on what to do. It is that aspect of the situation that is unforgettable, and he has showed remorse. I have cried and screamed over the fact that not only broke my heart but put my life in jeopardy over his selfish needs. I have asked him for a letter with an explanation, and an apology. I am being generous with my offer to continue my marriage, but only under the condition that he do some serious emotional work. Because of his deception, I have contacted the OW asking for her side of the story. Since it was just the two of them, she is the only other person who knows what happened. I told her what he had told me, and am hoping she will provide information to clarify the situation. She has nothing to lose, so I am expecting honesty. I'm not a big fan of asking people to apologize. It doesn't seem sincere if one is asking someone else to apologize. Then the other person is going through the motions and not apologizing really out of their own free will. I wouldn't contact the OW. You're not going to hear anything that's going to help you. Besides she's not the one who took a vow to forsake all others. Your husband did. I doubt you would get "the truth" from her. The only way I see this marriage working is if you both go to marriage counseling and if your husband gets individual counseling as well. I probably would toss him out, but I've seen too many friend burned by cheaters. That's one of the reasons I joined this forum - to understand more about infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
luvbun80 Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 He insisted it happened because he was drunk, but I see the deception occurring at taking her out to dinner-knowing that it would bother me if he went on a date with another woman. he admits -to finding her attractive -to liking the flirtatious attention -to thinking he was entitled to go out with a friend -to having no intentions of having sex that night He is asking for my forgiveness, and is ashamed of himself. I do love him and prior to this our love was a fairytale story. ... Why would he cheat? Just to see what it would be like? I don't understand at all. What I don't understand... leaving aside the sex and even the drinking... is that apparently it would have been OK to take a female friend on a date (even a platonic date) without you and/or her husband... I don't get that... I know there would be hell to pay if either me or my wife tried to pull that one, regardless of whether or not sex was involved... but maybe I am irrationally jealous eh. I don't know what you are expecting from the OW. She might be a slut, but your husband's decisions are still his. Blaming it on alcohol or on other people is a childish cop out. That being said, everybody makes mistakes, forgiving is part of loving, but of course the apology has to be sincere, I think, if you can feel that he really "gets" how it hurt you - all the crocodile tears don't count for much. I like the letter idea, but then again I like writing - it would probably drive my wife crazy. Obviously you can't get back to the kind of innocent, virginal trust you had before, but hopefully there is still something there. Link to post Share on other sites
omgitsdonna Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 I just read all your posts on another site. You really should change up your responses. OP don't listen to this crap. ALL men ARE NOT animals. And this isn't your fault. This poster is either a child who is playing with a computer or an adult who is bored of adulthood. I'm not a child and not a bored adult. I just learnt psychology and it is proved by science that men are ruled by their instincts rather than by their sound mind. Link to post Share on other sites
omgitsdonna Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 By the way, I would strongly recommend to read some psychological books to change your mind about cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
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